AUNTY BELLA – MAN VS. MONEY

This is a special edition of Aunty Bella because it features a problem sent to me by a fellow blogger (I cant name names…sorry!)
Thanks so much to my guest bloggers! I really appreciate their input….please show them luv
This guest blogging series will go on until Tuesday next week…..

Hey Aunty Bella and readers,

I graduated with a masters degree and found the job of my dreams with an investment bank.
On the other hand, my boyfriend graduated a couple of years ago and has been looking for a permanent job since then.
He has been temping with various agencies for a while now but nothing constant.
Ever since he got the news of my job offer, his attitude has been very sour. He is obviously not happy for me.
His excuse is that we will be getting married soon and a job with an investment bank will be too time-consuming and tasking on our relationship.
Bella, what do I do? I hate to say this but I believe that he is jealous. I will now be making much more money than him and this is a big blow to his ego. He is also sad that after all these years of job hunting, he has nothing while within months, I secured a top job.
He is actually a great guy and I cannot begin to list the things he has done for me both emotionally and mentally.
PLEASE. Let me know how I can save my relationship. I have tried to convince him for weeks and it is just straining our relationship.
Do I reject the job offer? Do I break u with him?

61 Comments on AUNTY BELLA – MAN VS. MONEY
  • olubukola abimbola November 30, 2006 at 6:59 am

    am i first????? okay i really dont have any advice but im happppppy im first, i think…..

  • Anonymous November 30, 2006 at 7:02 am

    Accept the job offer. when somebody loves you they should want the best for you. Have a candid discussion so he understands how important this could be for you and your career. I mean it didn’t just fall into you lap. You worked hard for it, so don’t shoot yourself in the foot. Help him as much as you can to look for new job opportunities, but keep your job.

  • Angie November 30, 2006 at 7:28 am

    Girl u berra accept the job offer fast!! or do u have another job offer, dat he is telling u not to accept this one???if u don’t accept this offer beocs thatz wat he wants, u will end up resenting him later. He shld be supporting and encouraging u, but most times its not always easy cos he probably feels he should be the provider.
    I suggest u shld take the job.

  • Icy November 30, 2006 at 7:33 am

    hmmm.. I may seem a lil harsh here. My apologies in advance it’s my mood at the moment. Working late has got me cranky.. but I digress.

    See this is the conversation you should be having with him. Not us. I swear it drives me crazy that we as women are quick to tell others but the person in question how we feel. bet WHY

    PLEASE CALL YOUR DUDE. SIT HIM DOWN AND TALK IT OUT. BE HONEST. Let him know you understand his frustrations and you gotta admit that is hard for anyone to swallow as a man. No need to coat it up. NO MAN WILL EVER BE COMFORTBALE IN THAT KIND OF POSITION. EGO no go let am! I don’t care wut they say. I’m sure he is happy for you he’s just not in a place to share that joy at the moment. Please don’t undermine that to be anything more.

    You need to do what works for you. Investment banking no easy and yes you will have timing issues cuz for real babz u’re about to be busy. Marinate in this new path and go for it

    Pray for him as well for patiance and understanding cuz bro man needs it right about now.. heck and a JOB TOO o! no worry jare once you two talk about your sincere feelings it will be kool. Then he finds a gig he will calm down even more

    So. Ma sit him talk and talk about this PLEASE you two really need to be honest with each other about how this situation makes you feel.

  • Anonymous November 30, 2006 at 8:06 am

    Dont Break up with him. Simply assure him that your success is for the both of you to share and try not to rub your success in his face, Enjoy it though cause you earned it. Good Luck at your new job.

  • In my head and around me November 30, 2006 at 8:23 am

    I typed several comments that were supposed to sound diplomatic and mature but wharraheck, I will just lay it on straight. Certain things you said jumped at me: Masters degree -you’ve spent some time doing the school thing. Dream Job: How many people land the job of their dream? ..I believe that he is jealous: hmmm.

    You are not married to this guy, be careful what you give up for him. And that goes for even if you were already married to him. I am a firm believer that girls should always look out for themselves. Guys certainly do. If he was already working, would he have minded as much?

    Only YOU can decide what is best for you.

  • Daddy's Girl November 30, 2006 at 9:49 am

    Like Icy said, you need to talk this through with your boyfriend. If he is the great guy you say he is, this thing can be worked out. Give him some reassurance and be sincere with him. Encourage him to be sincere with you. This is not a reason to break up, it’s a bump in your relationship which can be smoothened out.
    Please do not reject the job IF YOU REALLY WANT IT, which it seems you do. You may end up with serious regrets later. Really, have this talk (not an argument, a sincere talk) with him ASAP. All the best.

  • Don Chi a.k.a. Blog Marley November 30, 2006 at 10:12 am

    Icy, Icy, Icy! U say no be our business then you make it your business. yeye. Don’t be spreading our own business like this o!

    ;)

    Anyway, this is a delicate issue. If it is a job you’ve been after, take it. Relationships are about compromise though so it is really a case of what you are willing to deal with. It is easy for any of us to say anything but we can only sympathize and not really empathize. While some might be able to, not completely anyway because while situations may be the same, emotions will differ. You clearly love duke but the meaning of true love is sacrifice. No matter how lovely he is, how much love he’s shown or you share, there comes a time when you have to make a move for YOU! Even when you are grey with grandkids, only person you can love ho-ha is self, so if another does not appreciate you for who and what you are, it is time to make a decision because there is somebody out there that will appreciate you for those exact reasons and love you regardless. It’s shape up or ship out time honey. And that’s the truth.

    I’m a dude, so I understand the ego aspect. While there may be a hint of jealousy, I feel it is more a case of self disappointment. The male ego is a fragile thing and easily shattered, so I know where he’s coming from. However, part of being a man comes with accepting good and bad and treating them the same. This is why I still say I am a man-child because I use reason as a skipping rope and jump in and out of character. It is a tough call ma but F all of is really and just do you.
    Stay black and beautiful.
    Peace.

    PS – 4 what it’s worth tho, I support a career woman doing hers anyday, so feel free to Holla @ Chi ;)

    ha ha

    Good luck hon. I wish YOU the best.

  • Anonymous November 30, 2006 at 10:26 am

    DUMP HIM! He will only hold you back.

  • LondonBuki November 30, 2006 at 11:09 am

    Wow…

    I can’t really give advice… BUT you are NOT married to him. There is no guarantee you are going to spend the rest of your life with him.

  • Dimples November 30, 2006 at 11:18 am

    Haba anonymous after Chi-chi that’s a bit harsh….I find this so weird because this was the exact same topic we spoke about @ church last night during the mid-week service. A girl in the service was in the exact same situation as you..infact even worse…her man just couldn’t be asked to work…and was “on the dole” “signing on” (Translation for you non-Jand people=”chicken change weekly income from the government”).
    Majority of the answers agreed with Icy’s view on things…and yeah Chi-chi I totally agree with the man’s ego aspect of things (damn!! I only just found out lately…u guys have a lot to handle o!!)

    Anyways before I begin to stray from the topic @ hand…sister I don’t know if u are the praying type o…but I can suggest that a little prayer wouldn’t go amiss (whatever religion)…Just simply asking God that he directs your path and his will be done regarding the whole situation…..U never know homie might just have a complete turn around to the whole thing…or better still might find some magic beans like Jack and the beanstalk.

    Good luck o!! and Bella keep us posted o.

  • Anonymous November 30, 2006 at 11:53 am

    please dont be ridiculous- considering rejecting the job offer is simply not an option…. if you didi – do you think your relationship wil revert back to happier times? NO…do not rely too much on a man- you need to earn your own. If he cant be happy for you & see you joy as his joy then i think you need to reject him!

  • Anonymous November 30, 2006 at 12:41 pm

    People have always had and will always have issues and stuff to say.

    First question:-are u sure this is the guy for u?
    Secondly, have u prayed about the whole guy thing, the relationship, and the job offer?
    Thirdly, if he says he wants the best for u and is only concerned about the hours once u both get married, well then he should wait till then and see if it truly is time consuming.

    Now, if it is an ego thing and therefore spite, envy and jealousy come in, I will advise u give him time to think and resolve his “issues.”

    If that does not help, baby girl, find another man.
    One that is secure in himself. (Of course this other guy must be the right one for u).

  • TaureanMinx November 30, 2006 at 1:05 pm

    I think you know the answer. Don’t mess up your future over a guy.

    I’d take the job…he’ll get over it eventually and if he doesn’t then it wasn’t meant to be.

  • PSB November 30, 2006 at 1:58 pm

    This ones a no brainer take the job!

    All the best!

  • Anonymous November 30, 2006 at 2:02 pm

    The boy is just worried that when u people put up your wedding website and bios his will say not currently working at dream job..Stick by the dude and see him thru ..he has to man up oh! omo, keep ur job oh..people are divorcing and separating everyday ..nothing is promised to anyone..Do u know how much masters degree be dis days? Abeg some peeps no even get am..u wan come waste am becauase dude get envy issues..use you head and not your heart…

  • tiwalade November 30, 2006 at 2:12 pm

    I don’t feel very capable of giving advice but I’ve got to say; Of course! u have to take the job!If u loose the job and keep the guy the two of you will be chopping garri together and you can’t even guarantee that the guy will stick it out.

    Keep the job and and at least you can hold on to that, if the guy stays, it’s all gud and if he leaves he wasn’t worth it anyway!

    But then again if you take the job you have to be ready to balance your work and your guy if its gonna have any chance at working out!

    Gosh! i should be the next Dr Phill, i fit give advice oh! If only I could folow my own advice as well

  • EXCESSIVE-DIVA November 30, 2006 at 2:26 pm

    DAMN..
    sweetheart,with my experience with men,life etc..(and its been a few years and some..lol).i suggest you sit his jealous green eyed monstered arse down,and talk to him,(atimes not only women need reassuring o)a lot of men are just insecure cunts dressed up in fronting garbs!anyhoooo….
    after you talk to him blah blah blah,and you give it some time(but not so much time that the job will slip away o..)if he is still consumed by envy,SWEETHEART DUMP HIS SORRY ARSE!!
    why??
    whats the guarantee that even if you take the job and continue your relationship,he wont go ahead and find someone on his “level” because he thinks(in his paranoid mind),that u have become too big for your shoes?
    or what if you dont take the job,and shortly after he gets a better job than the one you even got initially,and then who looks like a gooseberry??YOU!!
    if you are just starting off now,and he cant even be happy for you when the little things are hppening,what happens say in future and you are maybe made the head of an organisation or something even grand.
    will he divorce you?
    sweetie,dont be carried away by whatever history you have together o…believe me…dem never born the man thats worth giving up anything for.
    good luck

  • yankeenaijachick November 30, 2006 at 2:49 pm

    All l can say is that, no man is worth the tears. Never give up your career in the name of a broke ass boyfriend. If he really is a gentleman and claims to love you, he shouldn’t be jealous but have faith in himself that sooner or later, he would get a job. He should even be happy for you but girlfriend pls, don’t belittle urself for any man because men can do and undo anything in a matter of seconds and even break up with you for another chick in a day. am telling you from experience l don see happen o.

  • Eyecee November 30, 2006 at 2:50 pm

    Hmm…relationships!!! They are so dicy, but gal first things first: Pray.. Then if like u say, it’s your dream job,TAKE IT,since you have worked hard for it. Besides, it’s difficult landing a JOB not to talk of your DREAM JOB.
    As for your man, you guys should sit down and communicate(which has a lot to do with understanding and not just talking). Anyone who is really after your interest will support you even if it’s hard! Yeah, he may be disappointed in himself, just don’t rub it in. Encourage him as much as you can, and leave the rest. If he’s still adamant then baby, he can walk. Remain optimistic and enjoy your new job.

    Bella, please keep us posted.

  • Anonymous November 30, 2006 at 3:15 pm

    I believe men show us while dating a foreshadow of what is to come. This is how this man will act when you are married to him. It transcends not having a JOB. If there is any situation where you thrive better than him, he’d bring you down. I understand ego. Even as a woman, I have huge ego even in such situation.

    I think Pray and then: 1) have a talk with him n ask him to shape up-in a nice way; 2) I would also take a break from him. Honestly. He needs to sort out his insecurities, especially if you are dating for keeps.

    I’m sure u’ve concluded by now that I mean take the damn job!Single life is to enjoy ourselves and that includes maximizing our earning potentials.When we get married and have little babes, some of us might spend the first few years raising our babes. Let’s not rush that process now.

  • NIGERIA POLITRICKS November 30, 2006 at 3:38 pm

    Hey lady,
    Dont give up your job for any man! I am a man and I do not see any reason why I should feel intimidated that my woman has a dream job and better yet, makes more money than me. I think it’s the little men that does that – because they have complex issues! If you both love and trust each other, whatever y’all make financially should be a blessing to the relationship and not a curse. TALK to him; I am sure he will find something permanent and better soon, and love & a dream of marriage for you both will be on the upswing!

  • folu November 30, 2006 at 3:49 pm

    Basically, your man is insecure. If it’s not this, it would be something else now or in the future. I’m not going to say break up with him because I don’t know you two and noone else should decide when TWO people should break up. Like Icy said, you need to TALK to him. If he’s understanding and RESPECTS you, you both would talk and have a healthy discussion not just about this particular situation but his insecurity in general.

    I believe what Anonymous right before me said, this transcends beyond your job situation. Did he not know you were interested in an investment banking job to begin with. You said it’s your dream job so i’m pretty sure he knew. He’s insecure and has to deal with that NOW. My husband always mentions that this is what most guys truly suffer from.

    TALK to him, i believe this can work out if he acknowledges his insecurity and if you acknowledge that investment banking does take a lot of time but you’re willing to do what it takes to make sure both work. I personally don’t think investment banking is worth the time (for me), just like my current job (auditing) is most likely not worth it. My sanity is precious.

  • Anonymous November 30, 2006 at 4:45 pm

    Kick him to the curb!( no, dont) You Career should come first. If he cant understand, make him. I am being for real. You are blessed and he should stop hating and pound the pavement harder

  • Adaure November 30, 2006 at 4:57 pm

    “Hold fast to dreams for if dreams die, life is a broken winged bird that cannot fly…” Langston Hughes

    You said this is your dream job right… why do you want to let your dream die because of a man.

    (Ok Adaure why u always come up with some trying to sound profound bullshit …LOL)

    If your interest is his as well, he’ll support you unequivocally and try to find his own dream job….that and everything ICY and CHICHI said….they are some on the money… you can’t get better advice than that.

  • Anonymous November 30, 2006 at 5:11 pm

    dump his arse quick!! cos, he wont be fine with it even when he gets him own permanent job. accept the offer, he knew you had your masters so what the hell was he expecting. Dont rush into a marriage with him, and dont go for the ‘he-is-having-a-hard-time’ – in yoruba – o wa ta epa now! in translation – you didnt study to sell peanuts, or did you?
    Congratulations on the new job. my husband and i got married very early – pure yoruba family, and we are going back next year after over 10 years in UK, he is telling me ‘babe do anything now to give us a better advantage when we get there – master/mistress (as he calls it, and he only has his BSc, but he is not interested in more study just business, but as for me i thought as a backup, to quickly do a masters, for constant inflow of cash. your money my money, it comes down to who’s got your back! think it through-dont give up your dream

  • Anonymous November 30, 2006 at 5:38 pm

    I basically echo what most people said already.

    But how can u even think of quitting ur job for any man? Listen. i have been in a similar situation as u are in now….i tot no matter wot, this man is it…i gave up so much for him….even molded and carved him…i never EVER tot the relationship will ever dissolve….but it did!…so PLEASE take it from me; look out for ur self first and foremost because no one but God is a permanent fixture in ur life. BELIEVE ME.

  • BGT November 30, 2006 at 6:17 pm

    Accept the job offer quick quick, because if the tables were turned, he would think about your azz.

    True story!

  • Y November 30, 2006 at 6:18 pm

    Let me start by saying that yeah I’m sure he is a great guy and all but someone who wants you to quit a normal job with an investment bank because it is too time consuming needs to be reconsidered as a possible life partner. So what if tomorrow you get the opportunity to partner with other people to open a multi-million dollar mortgage outfit… or maybe the opportunity to start an NGO in Nigeria that will raise millions in helping new enterpreneurs… or God forbid you are selected to be the minister of finance in Nigeria… then what? They he leaves abi wetin? Seriously, give me a break. All that ‘it’s normal’, ‘it’s a man’s ego’ is bullshit! BULLSHIT! I guess we women shouldn’t aspire to be doctors or lawyers at the risk of being romantically unmarketable. I am sorry but a confident man is a confident man whether he has $1000 in the back or a million dollars in the bank. I’ve said it time and time again, there’s not much you can do with an insecure man… that’s voluntary sentencing to life. I don’t want to spend my life convincing and reassuring a man of his position because I earn more. That’s ridiculous! As for you sharing with us… I don’t think you did anything wrong… I don’t think it’s you running to other people with your problems. Afterall, we don’t know who you are… you’re just trying to feel around for the thoughts of others and for the mere fact that we don’t know you, our opinions are less biased than it would be if you talked to a mutual of friend of y’alls or a family member.

    This is my thing… You can’t change someone’s way of thinking. You have to make a choice in a relationship what’s a negotiable and what’s not. Just don’t remain in this relationship thinking this problem won’t rear its ugly head again.

    Good Luck! :)

  • Omodudu November 30, 2006 at 6:48 pm

    Why are we all taking this like its set on stone. What a brother needs is some reassurance its human to be insecure. I believe we credit ourselves with too much thats why issues like this arise. Unemployment bruises your ego in way you can not predict. Communicate with you guy, talk with him, reassure him, and go ahead with your pump, wearing, skirt suit rocking job my sister. For all you know if you get in there, you can help a brother hook , a nice job. Do tell your boy to stop looking for a job too, what are his strengths, he should look into starting a business of his. In a year or two with your support the brother could be at par or breeze past you financially.

  • Thoughts November 30, 2006 at 6:53 pm

    Don’t be too hasty in your decisions.It’s not like you guys are married already or that you won’t get married.So just sleep on it for a w ehile and pray about it.Granted the guy may not be too happy cos that’s almost like taking away his ego.And some of y’all should quit the crap of saying he should be man enough to accept her and all.It isn’t always like that.We’re human beings with emotions.Think on that.

  • RJ November 30, 2006 at 7:17 pm

    I don’t think I have anything else to add that other people haven’t said. I was going to say break up with him but I changed my mind…You should talk to him about it and make him see reason – if in the long run he still can’t accept the fact that you would be making more money than he, then you should start thinking of ways to move on. Don’t for any reason quit your job (or not accept it) because of what he says, ‘cos he is obviously talking out of jealousy or some chauvinistic ideals. Anyway, eventually you are going to do what you feel comfortable with so….Good Luck.

  • Folu November 30, 2006 at 7:17 pm

    I had to comment again. I agree totally with Y!

    I know we are all human beings and have emotions, but as human beings we also have common sense. What…his emotions are greater than hers because his is due to ego problems? Do you really think he’s worried because as he put it, investment banking is too time consuming? Or do you think he’s just plain insecure? Yes, we should take into consideration the ego of men, and likewise the man should me man enough to realize his ego is a problem.

    Like Y said, you can’t change a person’s way of thinking or maybe you can, but ir’s pretty darn hard!!! And basically I truly feel this is about his way of thinking and I’m sorry to say I’m afraid that this situation would most likely rear its head again if they pass through this one without him acknowledging his insecurities.

    I dislike it when people marry certain people and then expect them to be a certain way. Then abeg marry someone that is that certain way to begin with to reduce much headaches.

  • deola November 30, 2006 at 7:47 pm

    leave hi,…is he the only man on the planet?

    what a baby.

    your relationship is not balanced.

  • koshie November 30, 2006 at 8:33 pm

    Please enough of all the “talk to him” rubbish. i believe she said she tried doing that a few times but with no luck.

    Sweetie, accept the offer, then show him a red card!!

    Why is it that a man can handle the strains and stresses of the investment world while maintaining a relationship but a woman cannot? And thus we have to make THE sacrifice? CRAP!!!

  • nosa101 November 30, 2006 at 8:34 pm

    Money

  • Anonymous November 30, 2006 at 9:08 pm

    Hmmmmmm! Dis na serious matter o! Pray and the good Lord will help you make the right decision.

    All the best.

  • naijagal November 30, 2006 at 9:50 pm

    as someone once said you can get a better job, but what makes u happy money or him? be wise gal the ones saying leave him would probably be the ones who would drop it all for the man the love! imagine that!

    pray about it. Really investment bankers work late hours if that is the life you want then so be it. I did the long hours myself and swore off that! i needed a life.

  • Y November 30, 2006 at 9:57 pm

    Naijagal you couldn’t possibly be serious. I wouldn’t drop my job because my husband said I should how much more because my ‘boyfriend’ said I should. There’s nothing to argue here. What?

  • Anonymous November 30, 2006 at 9:58 pm

    This is what erks me,
    “His excuse is that we will be getting married soon and a job with an investment bank will be too time-consuming and tasking on our relationship.”

    First, “No romance without finance.” Marry wetin? How would he support a family when he can’t support himself, much less you in both ur current state of singlehood?It’s not meant to be harsh, it’s just real talk.

    Second, “time consuming?” What da???if u ain’t got no job n ur gurl is bringin’ in the bread can da broda show a little encouragement? Dis na im true color fo’ reel. He has been at it for 2yrs. He knows the economy is tough, worldwide. % of highly edumacated ppl wit no job is high. So, da fact dat u got a job n real good one n da boi, after 2yrs, can only say a bunch of jibberish is preposterous! We women tolerate bull for 2 long. Step on it and demand that he change his attitude or else ko sa lo [bounce]. OK he has helped emotionally n mentally but that is what he is supoosed to do in a relationship. It doesn’t make him extra best. U’ve been talkin’ n encouragin’ for 2 years. It’s time to stop talkin’. Take the job and move on with ya career and with new love life. Wen da rigors of life and married life gits hard, dis negro will make ya life miserable. If he were family I would say tolerate but he ain’t. So move on!

  • TP December 1, 2006 at 1:26 am

    Let me add my own penny to the many comments already here.

    Life is a combination of different seasons. There will be ups and downs in everything we are involved in: our health, careers and relationships. There will be times of prosperity and times of “famine”. You need a man that will stay with you and support you through thick and thin.
    If at this stage in your life, your boyfriend is already trying to hold you down and prevent you from following your dream career (because of his ego, disappointments, discouragement or whatever) then I am not sure he is someone you can really trust to have your back later in the future.
    What decent man tries to hold his girlfriend/fiancee/wife back from fulfilling her dreams? Can he not see the bigger picture? What happens if you reject the job offer, will he then pay you to sit at home doing nothing? Does he have another good job to offer you?

    He should know how hard you have worked to get your degrees and land a good job in investment banking. If you are going to be successful in your career, you don’t need someone who panics at the thought of having a successful wife. It shows that he will be a very controlling husband who will never let you achieve your potential, because he will always be afraid that you might surpass him. You don’t need that please.

    The excuse that you will be too busy with the job is utter rubbish! If he gets a job tomorrow, will he not be busy too? Would both of you not have to find a way to balance career and family life when you get married and have children? Please confine that dodgy reason to the dustbin.
    Besides, you will forever resent him for not letting you fulfil your ambitions if you reject the job offer. That will just put more strain on the relationship you are trying to save. Sweetie please do what is best for you. You are not married to him yet. Please do not let love blind you from seeing him as a stumbling block to your success.

  • Anonymous December 1, 2006 at 1:32 am

    rotflmao! ol’ girl is too chicken to break up with her man! I can almost bet you he’s probably shown signs all along but she’s been hoping things will get better.
    I have no advice for you whatsoever, i can only laugh AT you.

    You’re so sorry…the things some girls will do because of another human being. Them born you together? Your parents sweated to send you all the way to Master’s degree for you to be questioning whether you should accept a job offer because of common man?

    Orishirishi. I wish your parents will read this, I’m sure they’d slap sense into you….shio!

  • Anonymous December 1, 2006 at 2:01 am

    Is this girl serious? Girl you better take that job and move on. It is better to be able to take care of yourself and be alone than be with a man who can barely take care of himself let alone you. Nuff said.

  • Anonymous December 1, 2006 at 3:04 am

    Reject which job offer? Please o, dont do that. If he really loves you and wants whats best for you, he will be very supportive of you. Please o,, take the job.

  • Vera Ezimora December 1, 2006 at 6:20 am

    If you ask me, I’d say you should accept the job offer ASAP. You’re not married yet, so your job isn’t even an issue. If you get married and are unable to cater 2 both husband and work, then you can quit your job.

    Besides, who will pay the bill is he is with temp agencies and you’re not working?

    Lastly, I think you should talk 2 him. Tell him you love him (if u do), and explain 2 him that his making less money does not change ur feelings towards him.

  • izzuz December 1, 2006 at 6:57 am

    ok so basically you guys are wonderful advisors. one mans meat another mans mango. so Im somewhat in the same situation but my dude is totally opposite -very supportive, happy, endearing- and all and I’ve been maltreating and mis’using him anyhow so now I feel bad. ok im finished

  • Don Chi a.k.a. Blog Marley December 1, 2006 at 10:07 am

    I’m back. I have read some comments by some people I feel are too ‘out there’ eg Anonymous that wishes the parents will read it and the post-er after her. When you reach such a place in your lives and are faced with such decisions, please ensure to share with the rest of us how you made your decision just at the snap of your fingers. It ain’t easy yo!

    I try to see reason in everything. I know only one dude that works at an Investment Bank and it ain’t funny. He does come out and have a good time occasionally but you can always see him searching for a pillow. Dude is tired all the time.

    So, let’s say her man gets a great job too. Yes he will be busy but if it is a job that keeps him busy from 8 to 6, he has to wait for his missus to get in from her 8 – 11 and all she wants to do is sleep. That’s tough on a relationship.

    Then there was a comment that simple said ‘Money’. All well and good. We need the cash flow but as Ralph Tresvant sang in 92, “Money Can’t Buy Me Love’. I say this because even if she finds a guy that accepts her for everything, the hours can put a strain on the relationship and you find that all you end up being are shagging partners cuz there’s really no time to build. All he frustrations of work get dumped on the other person.

    Then the fear I have for our generation, is that we may end up being sub par parents and short lived grandparents. I say this cuz peeps get married mid to late 30s or even when they get married earlier, they don’t have kids til then, so you start a family late, so do yo kids and then grand kids come when your clock is on fast forward. Then I have seen too many times where a crying baby will run to her nanny before her mother. Cuz momma is never there. Daddy neither. I may be thinking too far (and too much) but in a twisted (call it masculine or Chichi way sef), I can see where dude is coming from, a mile away.

    Yes, we need to dream and it is a dream job, however, such things do have the power to turn the rest of life into a nightmare.

    Her position, to be spencer, sucks ass. It is a place nobody should have to be but that is life. I am faced with crazy decisions everyday but haven’t gotten to this level yet (I am close, trust me) but bottomline, it ain’t easy.

    We’ve all put in our $5 on the issue, however, it is really your decision at the end of the day. The rest of us, on the outside looking in, will run commentary all day but we won’t be there sharing your dream pay or your happy relationship.

    Once again, good luck to YOU!

    PS – izzuz, well said!

  • bibi December 1, 2006 at 10:57 am

    pls dont quit ur job…if he cant be happy for ur success..then is that the kind of guy u want…i know its an ego thing..r u throwing the fact that u make more or have better job in his face..that could be the issue

    if u care abt him that much…talk to him abt it ..and come to an agreement..but NEVER QUIT UR JOB 4 A MAN…

  • Coral December 1, 2006 at 12:15 pm

    I’m actually quite impressed with you. You are considering not taking up a dream job cos of a guy you aren’t yet married to? Wow!

    End of the day, I know I would take the job and the way he reacts to that would inform my decision as to whether to continue the relationship or not. Marriages are made up of issues like this and if, note I said if, he can’t be happy for you now, he won’t be happy for you in marriage whenever you make any progress that is beyond his.

    I’m not trying to go all religious on you but God has a funny way of showing us potential partners attitudes to us b4 we commit. Use your eyes and your head.

  • UnNaked Soul December 1, 2006 at 12:45 pm

    Now you have a situation. Understand the selfishness of a man and understand sacrifice, which of these two will get you what you want? and at what price? Know when to use one over the other.

    Fear of the Known Unknown is a crazy thing. Our experiences defines us.

    Calm his fears wisely, and raise his hope cautiously. Life’s a pair. Let him understand this, unless he wants to be plain ol’unreasonable.

  • Flygirl December 1, 2006 at 6:33 pm

    ehn ehn ehn, u want to consider not accepting the job abi what did i just read.. gurrrrrlllll don’t even get me started on this one!!!

    Do u know how many pple are looking 4 jobs out there and cannot even come close to getting A job at all talkless of a dream job… sistuh pls get ur act together.. the man that can walk away at any point in time without looking back .

    I say take that job kia kia b4 i loose my temper on this blog :) and leave the rest, if he cannot be supportive of ur accomplishments now, harsh as it might sound ego or no ego, then he isn’t worth the risk or trouble and he won’t be able to celebrate greater accomplishments in the future!!!!!
    My 2cents

    Btw, Bella i love ur blog and i’ve been reading 4 a while by way of Londonbuki’s blog, just haven’t posted till now…but were favorited long time ago sha

  • Anonymous December 1, 2006 at 7:22 pm

    I usually never leave comments but i just have to. So what happens if you refuse the job offer and he gets a great job at a consulting firm and has to work 80hrs. Falls inlove with a coworker and leaves ur ass for a white girl (sorry i just had to put that in lol)
    No. You worked ur ass off to get that job, u have a masters degree, go for your job, get ur work experience, save up, send money home to nigeria and pay ur parents for their hard work. PLS CHOSE UR JOB NOT UR BOYFRIEND. PLS. THE PROBLEM IS WITH HIM NOT U.

  • Anonymous December 3, 2006 at 6:13 am

    Wow! Where have i been? Interesting topic i must say.
    Yorubas have a saying “atelwo eni kii tan ni je” Meaning your handiwork, amongst other things will be most loyal to you.

    In this life people come and people go. As such, stick to what you are certain of, in this case your hard work. I am sure you didn’t pursue all that hard dreams only to give it up for a man that might just be passing by.
    Like most have said, accept the job. What will be will be. Besides, do you want to be stuck with a guy who at this early stage is already intimidated by your progress?
    Remember, marriage is not the solution to a faulty relationship. meaning if he is already acting like this now, it’s not going to get better when he marries. He is insecure and needs a woman with nursing diploma …perhaps that will boost his ego and make him feel like the man he dreams to be. Please don’t listen to all these people telling you to patch things up by “talking ” with him. It’s almost like waiting to die another day! Our men were/are not raised to partner with women who are more successful than they are. They’ve been raised and spoiled to think even without a job, they are still a gift to women. So please don’t squander your future over some insecure man. Let water find it’s own level jare. Small time you will cough in the bedroom and he will say it’s because you make more money. Also, remember that our men are also predisposed to seek perfection outside of marriage by keeping mistress. So it will be a slap on your face if you marry this guy and he cheats with orange hawkers whole he deems more humble than you.
    All the best!

    ***pls pardon my tone, i lost an aunty to a jealous husband who couldn’t stomach her success**

  • Anonymous December 3, 2006 at 10:16 pm

    I am more concerned about you and not your boyfriend. Investment banking is tough even on those with supportive partners. I speak from experience. You really need to assess how badly you really want it since you are already considering fashiing it for your boyfriend. Word of advice, do not venture there unless you are a 100% committed to the job. Your boyfriend being out of the picture may be a blessing in disguise because those who tend to thrive there are those without any “distractions”. Needless to say it will be difficult to find time to find a replacement – but u never can say. I don’t know how old you are or your career aspirations but i’ll say put your all in the job for a couple of years and open more doors for yourself.

  • Ms SoontobeMum December 4, 2006 at 6:48 pm

    Nice blog, however, i have to say the comments have been all too black and white and fortunately reality comes in all shades of grey.

    To the girl i can understand your frustrations. To a reader that has no personal ties invested in the realationship its easy to say take the job / dump him… however, someone who has vested time in a relation and has grown to love and share their lives with someone else its not always so easy so in the future please be less judgemental.

    The job is a big break..talk to him and pray for him. Sometimes we are all to carried away with what is are doing and achieving that we forget all those who strive just as hard and probably do more yet don’t always amke it for some reason. Remember evrything we achieve is really by the grace of God and nothing else!!! So to try and have a little compassion goes a long way. Be more sensitive to his efforts on the job search and his present frustrations, motivate and encourage him. Behind every successful man is a woman! You could be that woman!

    And for all you out there who say choose the job over the man regardless, will not be there to pick up the pieces at the end of the day when her boss as been a pig to her or she’s had a ruff day.

    Also when she’s in her 40′s, mega rich or as they say from our part of the world “a Naija Big girl”, yet her life feels empty cos she has no one to share all the wealth with…(not saying a man must complete a woman or vice versa, but we are meant to complement one another…and were most def not created to be single!!!) You will not be there to give her your valuable advice, derived from years experience abi?

    I wish the lady in question all the best and i pray that God’s guides her in making the best decision, which will be beneficial to both her and her partners future.

    To all you ladies out there i hope you are never in the position this lady has found herself (not that she chose to be in ohhhh)but found herself in.

  • Konyi618@gmail.com February 16, 2007 at 3:53 am

    In this day and age, this question is still necessary. I can’t wait for the day when in a marriage the wife is a Doctor and the husband a nurse.

    I can’t honestly convey how deeply angered I was by this question. You got a job as an IB and your boyfriend is talking about how time consuming it is going to be. Can you please remind him that every professional job is demanding? I agree with you in saying that he is extremely jealous. That African Male Ego is ridiculous. I know you cherish this relationship and he is the best thing that ever happened to you BUT HONESTLY…he needs a wake up call from the year 2007 because he is living wayyyyyy back in the past. Tell him the benefits of you being an IB, of anyone being an IB.

    MEN NEED TO STOP BEING SOO SCARED OF PROFESSIONAL WOMEN. Oh and he might just be insecure about his present unemployment. He should get over it, its only a stage. Any way, many blessings in your professional and love life.

  • Benco August 7, 2009 at 7:14 am

    One is is clear here ..the dude is insecure cus ..He thinks if u make more money u might think of leaving for a more confident guy….He’s just worried of loosing u not really jealousy lol…..Build a good trust with him and keep your job…it may help..

  • Onoja November 3, 2009 at 8:28 pm

    Very wise counsel. Best I read here and a departure from alot of what people just write. I’m sure she will appreciate. On her behalf, thanks

  • Onoja November 3, 2009 at 8:37 pm

    I apologise, but how does this really help them both? I’ll answer it doesn’t. The question is is it possible to have both? The answer? Yes. But it will take lots of hard work. And commitment. Do they both have enough in the tank to do it. Thats what U should be advising them towards. Not throwing away their relationship.
    And the truth, bitter pill as it must be, is that when they start a family, if they start on, its going to tell on them. I know. Been there.
    Does he have a problem? Yes. But its only a matter of time before she has one as well. Because in a while, the difference in income will tell. How they react to it is what people should tell them.
    Like I said before, I apologise. But all the comments here are geared towards telling the man to scram. Is that the best advice? NO!

  • Onoja November 3, 2009 at 8:44 pm

    I read this and I empathise with you. I’ve discovered that its not every man that has the ability to look above the complex nature of the situation. A lot of men quickly think what will her reaction be when she earns more than me? Will I be able to talk to her and have her listen? What then is my role? Will I still be the head of this house?
    Much as U call him insecure, and you will be right, all these are validly legitimate questions. And contrary to what people say, men feel these things and do not know how to express them. Sadly.
    If you love Ur man, do two things. Take your job. But sit him down and talk to him. And let him see that you are still who you are. The person he fell in love with. And then proceed to be that person. If remain the person he fell in love with, I guarantee you he’ll come around.
    I think its possible to have both, the man and the dream job. It all depends on how you play your cards.
    I wish you all the best. I really do

  • eniola January 31, 2013 at 4:49 pm

    It’s even stupid to consider rejecting the job in the first place. Truth is, he doesn’t love you, else his happiness for u would be natural n he wuld even find ways around helping you improve your skills and wateva is required to be useful to d organisation.

  • Post a comment