BN Hot Topic: How Much Information From Your Past Should You Reveal to Your Partner?
Posted on Monday, June 1st, 2009 at 2:07 amBy Bella
Thought a great way to kick off the week should be with a juicy hot topic.
So as the questions states ‘How Much Information from your past should you reveal to your Partner?’
Correct me if I’m wrong but it seems that as Nigerians, our degrees of separation are much closer than the average non-Nigerian add that to the fact that we LOVE to talk!
I like to believe there are various broad stages relating to this.
Stage 1 – Pre-Dating/Early Dating:
You know the drill – Boy Meets Girl, Girl Meets Boy
They find themselves falling for each other
You have talked all night on the phone, had long conversations over sweet cappuccinos at Piccolo Mondo.
A friend of mine, lets call her Kelly believes that you should lay it all bare from the beginning. When she is at this stage, she reveals it ALL. As in numbers (you know what I am talking about), names…the whole works while another friend, Temi is the opposite – for her mystery is key. As little information as possible.
Note that at this stage if things are going well, most parties discreetly start doing their ‘investigations’
Yup, you know the pre-dating background check.
For girls, its more about making sure the guy does not currently have a girlfriend or any disturbing skeletons in his closet while for guys often times they just want to be sure what they are getting into. Is this the real her or is she just putting up a front, what type of guys has she dated in the past etc…
- What do you do at this point?
So what do you think. Do you spill or not?
Stage 2: Dating
You are now officially the newest couple! Yay! Congrats.
People have started ‘hearing’ that you are together. If there are any major skeletons, you know that they will start tumbling out of the closet now. Even the most innocent of information can be made to sound salacious. Why?
Many feel the new to identify, that yes indeed they KNOW everyone and how best to PROVE that than to drop all the bits of information that they know about the person.
‘Oh I heard you are dating Funke, ah I know her very well, she went to QC and then Unilag but she moved to New York but not before dating Bolaji….you know Bolaji now, yes that one. I heard that she was engaged to one Tolu guy in Yankee before she moved back to Lagos last year’
True or not? Any major revelations might put a dent to the relationship.
So what do you do when you start officially dating? According to relationship expert Demi (well, she always seems to be in a relationship so she must be an expert..right?) ‘Even if there are no major soapopera-esque revelations, you should be as open as possible with your boyfriend/girlfriend. You don’t want him/her hearing any information from others before you. Even innocent information can be spun very badly’
So what do you think? Do you spill at this point?
Stage 3 – Engaged to be married
Now you are engaged or at the stage where you know you want to marry her or you know he is about to propose. This is a very happy stage for most couples but can also be very sensitive. Fine, all your cards are on the table at this point but there are some things that you might have never revealed to anyone. Perhaps a traumatic experience such as abuse or something that has been weighing heavily on your mind. Note that especially in Nigeria, ‘family investigations’ begin at this time. Your future partner’s family might start digging into you and your family’s history. Yes, This is a very sensitive time but as this is your future partner, as painful and difficult as it might be, its best to open up.
On the other hand, if your partner waits till this point to tell you he has a secret love child or that he has another wife…you might want to think again.
So back to the question, ‘How Much Information from your past should you reveal to your Partner?’
Tags: BN Hot Topic
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I tink u shud tell him besides it happened in d past and if he truely loves u, he ll accept u back at ur worst n if he doesnt, dat means he doesnt deserve u at ur best.
There are some past that need to be told if the need be and there are this UGLY ONES you need to keep to urselves ladies cos no man can afford to bear it when they listen to dat story of urs even if he loves u. we all are humans and someday we must visit that story.
Being truthful brings trouble and on the otherhand not being truthful brings much more trouble. so i would say, please keep your secret till when the space is there.
I once told one of the ex-boyfriends dat i since i lost my virginity i have not had sex till date and i told him i wont have sex till i get married,he was happy but he kept talking about it. and demanding for sex at the same time. i would rather keep my stuffs to myself. like they say what you dont know wont harm you
I bet with you,Guys don’t worth it,You tell them now and they will later spit it back at you.Infact i hate meeting guys.I’ve done it twice and they’ve done the same thing.So pls no tell them oooooooo.Dem no deserve am
Abeg, no tell all o! It’s not d same when a woman does it cuz then we’re looked down upon by dis whores who call themselves “men.” Yes! I said it. Men could be whores as well.
I revealed to my husband all about my exes and stuff…way back when were just friends. And I am now regretting it every single day. He is always bringing up stuff i told him and then he sulks for days!!! For those who are wondering whether to tell all or nothing…Dont Tell. Fullstop.
true, men hv a way of usin things 4rm d past against us, wyl dey xpect us to just accept watever rubbish dey did b4 in silence. i dn’t tink a woman shld reveal all, see wat gbenga obasanjo did with d info his wife gave him about her dad, granted nt all men are lousy like dat, bt i dn’t thnk a chik shld reveal all. some thins ’bout ur past & ur family shld be secret…
any guy that wont love u for who u were,r and will be is not worth ur salt…if u cant be open with him, then why r u with him in the first place?!
I concur to the comment made by Suzanna Efiok. A woman should not spill all, an example that comes to mind is that of the former presidents son, Gbenga Obasanjo who told the whole world and all who care to listen of that which his wife told him in confidence. If you have not killed anyone, been to jail, hijacked a plane, then please keep it to yourself. Seriously though if you think it may have an effect on your marriage e.g. a child outside wedlock then ask God for wisdom in telling him/her but please do it at a stage when the guy/girl don kolo for you 100%.
I think that you should always be HONEST! No head games men. And you can do this and still keep the mystery alive by making sure that you now yourself VERY WELL and you are aware of what level of information giving/receiving you are comfortable with.
Even when I had not done the deed, any guy that asked me “Are you a virgin” got an EMPHATIC NO but I always followed up with a question of my own which was (and still is) “Why are you asking” (you will be amazed at how much information that answer reveals). If he asks me “How many partners have you had” he gets told that it is frankly none of his business/I don’t want to disclose that information to you yet/ever (depends on if I think I can trust him enough to respect my person). And this is because for me, not only is there no shame in my game … but also my being a virgin or not tells you nothing about how comfortable/uncomfortable I am with my sexuality (which is one of the most important things I look for in a partner).
The only way you can gauge how much info to spill is by getting to know who the wo/man is. Some people (born again Christians or not) have double-standards while others hold others to the same standard they hold themselves. If you are interested in always being yourself (esp. in your love relationships/marriage) … you will invest the time early in your friendship/courtship to find out how s/he treats others.
Na the kind wo/man and the kind marriage way you need na him go determine the kind person you go date … not the other way around. You don’t meet a person before deciding for yourself what kind of union/friendship/marriage you need in your life, you decide all that information as you journey through life and then you keep your eyes open for the folks that complement your goals.
If you need a man who is your partner, your friend, and will always uphold and honor you, you set the standards and let the chips fall where they may. I believe that if you do this, you will not end up with a person who constantly uses information you entrusted them with to get a dig at you. S/He might slip once or twice, in moments of anger, but not always.
The heart of a human beign is desperately wicked who shall know it?
Better keep your greatest secrets to yourself . . .
Ara l’amo, a o mo’nu