Once a Cheat, Always a Cheat
Posted on Thursday, February 4th, 2010 at 12:17 amBy Glory Edozien
Somehow the idea of fidelity or monogamy has become old fashioned. Like a dead dog kicked to the curb, being faithful has become distasteful in today’s society. And heaven help you if you are married or dating a Tiger Woods wannabe, you’ll have barmaids, baby mama’s and all manner of women folk crawling out from under the wood works!
But you’d be wrong to think cheating was a privilege reserved for only the male folk. On the contrary, women have also entered this new amoral club, and have taken all its privileges to heart. Recently, I went to visit a friend of a friend only to witness what I can only describe as an all male, female bashing session. Apparently, one of the guys who had been engaged to marry sometime in the new-year, had been ditched by his girlfriend for an albeit older but richer model. The abuse was endless, “what a wh**e”, “Bit*h”, “after all you did for her”, “you are better off with out her”. Since I was the only woman present, I sat in silence while the abuse continued. But I couldn’t help wondering if the guy in question had been an entirely innocent party. As if reading my thoughts, one of the guys replied, “abi is it because of what happened between you and Rotimi”. “And so”? Another replied, amazed at his friends suggestion “A woman is not meant to cheat”. For some reason I cannot quite explain, a cynical almost wicked smile appeared on my face. Yes, shoot me, but I was happy. For a long time men have taken women for a ride, cheating like their lives depended on it, now its payback time and they are whining like school girls. At that moment, I wished I knew the girl in question. I wanted to say thank you for getting yours back. And if by chance you happen to read this…good on you babe!!!!
But then when I got home, common sense returned. I began to wonder if two wrongs really do make a right, even if it’s just a little right. I wondered what sort of families the world would have if mummy and daddy were both having affairs with house help and driver. The thought is actually cringe worthy and quite repulsive. So my question is this, if we all can’t be monogamous, why commit? Really, is there a point? If you can’t keep to one partner why stand before God, family and friends and promise to do so? It puzzles me that in this time of AIDS and other STDs people choose to change partners like they are in some sort of Olympic relay team. Maybe I am old fashioned, but I believe it’s a free world. If you want the freedom to choose between Kemi, Rose, Charity, Peace or David every day of the week then so be it. But if you want the responsibility that comes with marriage and commitment, then for goodness sake stick to it! (Okay, rant over). But seriously people, the world is full of drama, terrorists plots, recession, petrol scarcity, inflation….the last thing one needs to be worrying about is a cheating partner!
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Kem,i personally dont believe in dat term”once a cheat ,always a cheat”,is it that we now doubt the power of God in our lives and day to day activities??,what your man did to you was very bad but there is always forgiveness,i advice you to go with your heart,this site is not even the best of places to get advice on what you want to do with your future,there could be people asking you to leave the man becos he once cheated on you and they probably have their own relationships but theyre not even aware of the what their men have in their closets,so why would you not marry him just because he cheated on you once?????some men never cheated on their girlfriends when they were dating but once theyre married they automatically begin to cheat like its a race for life.
If the guy is truly apologetic and loves and you are very sure from inmost part of your heart that you love him just the same way,then please leave the rest to God because there is nothing impossible for him to do……If you decide to marry the guy,i wish you happiness,peace and Joy,and the best marriage you can ever imagine!Cheers!!
Hi everyone. I just came across this website. Is it abt relationships? Anyway am a single undergraduate. Looking 4 a beautiful lady. 07029779545
hi kemi..take this from me,ive had my own fair share of relationships.i understand your doubt and your lack of trust but truth is you can never trust anyone to make your decisions for you.i get ur confusion and mayb y u felt u had to come to bella naija for help but dis is a decision u nid to make on ur own.ask urself if u can trust him again,people deserve second chances and thats wat u should offer.mistakes or not,love would alwayz be hard u just have to make up ur mind if its worth it or not.please.trust me.take advice from nobody…
i wish u well
take care
thanks tomi, i understand that i can never trust anyone to make decisions for me. however, as a young girl/naive/inexperience i need a wide breath of opinions from people from others esp females. i’ll not make my decision based on one opinion but there’s one theme going accross all the response i’ve received so far “trust” pls keep sending your advice. its well appreciated & needed. God bless!
ok…my 50kobo…for me ehn…i believe two wrongs don’t make a right at all…but who knows, sometmes people push people to the lmt by comitting same crime over and over again without thoughts for the other persons feelings…so this is my thing…if you are dating him dump him or rather drop him like it’s hot because like sugarbelly said the probabilty of him repeating it…is about 90%…but na wa o!
Interesting read! i’ll just sit back and read d comments.
I love the wide breath of opinions on this site & hope to receive some advice; (Please pardon any grammatical error this was typed really fast) I’ve been going out with this guy for about 10months, we are both Nigerian’s and he has an American ex girlfriend. After 4months into our relationship calls were coming into his phone which he never picks up. One evening I made him pick the call and realized it was his Ex. I was completely mad as to why she was still calling him esp. at such time of the day. He assured me that all is/was over between them. I saw some deceit in his eyes which I shoved off. 3 months went by, our bond got stronger. I decided to pay him a surprise visit one morning (after I left his place the night before.) To my surprise I caught his Ex naked on his bed! I was so mad/angry but composed myself. I tried to leave he fought me, for complete 30mins until the Ex was ready to leave. I was sympathizing with her because of the brokenness in her eyes. I felt so betrayed and wondered how a man I attend church with/pray do such a thing to me. I moved on with life! I cried to get out of bad and cried to sleep. He made me believe that I was the woman he wants to make his wife.
What happened later was surprising; every evening when he gets of work he would stay downstairs and bang on the door for hours (most night it was snowing & freezing outside.) After about 2wks I let him up because I was ashamed of what my neighbours would think of me. From then on, I gradually opened my heart back to him and FORGAVE him. Forgiveness I believe that God’s hands was involved because He took all the bitterness & angry thoughts I cook up everyday in my heart and re-instated love. I showed him pepper but stopped the instant I was convicted in my heart. Then changed the way I talk to him. Last month i.e. one month after the incident, he proposed and I rejected because I felt it was too early to jump into marriage with him. After another month of pressure from him I accepted after soliciting the advice of my siblings. NOW ARE ENGAGED! Every once in a while I wonder if he proposed because of what happened or the fear of losing me or the shame he would bear if his family asked him what happened between us. But everyday I wonder if he will ever cheat on me again? If I can fully trust him? If God can truly transform him? If he is being completely honest with me? I need any advice I can get. Please!!
He probably will cheat on you again. In fact, the probability is somewhere around 90%.
thanks, the probability is 100% with the exception of Gods own transformation in his life.
I’m not a marriage counsellor, but I must say that you are the one who matters here, you sound like you’ve got a lot of doubts about this relationship and what he did to you… i think that is enough for you to know that it is not a good idea to marry him. Trust is very important in any relationship and i seriously think that your trust in him is gone. So whats the point of going on with that relationship if you dont trust him anymore? You have to be sure about him and his position on your relationship and that he really loves you, which you are not sure of cos you always wonder if he will go back or his reasons for proposing are far from honest and out of true love he has for you. Thats my thoughs on your short story….
thanks tbn, the trust i had for him has been broken but its gradually/very slowly building up. i’m sure he truly loves me. but i need help to fully trust him again and i do not know how to do it. i’ve left it all to God
Kem, the bible says “For all have sinned and come short of the glory of God”. The simple meaning of this is that no one is a saint. It is only God that is infallible. We are all prone to commit one sin or the other. Satan is out there tempting each and every one of us. Someone here should cast the first stone against this man if he/she has never cheated on his/her partner and would never do it. Cheating is bad but we must learn to forgive. Talk to him, Kem and let him realise how you feel and the fear you have that he would still repeat what he did. Let him give you his words to allay your fears. Talk to God to assist him and take his mind off those stuffs. God is ever able to assist us if we ask Him to. I have said this knowing you love this man genuinely. God will take absolute control.
You obviously do not trust him! So why did u accept his proposal?
i wish i have an answer for you. this may be why i accepted: i believed he was destined to be mine and if i could forgive him by asking God for help& guidance there could possibly be a way….also for true repentance in his heart
You shouldn’t marry out of pity… cuz you’ll end up regretting it, no matter how hard it may be to break uo an engagement now.
My advice: PRAY, talk to God (is this the partner he wants for you), and wait until you’re SURE you really want to spend your life with this guy.
thanks Bola, please tell me how to hear from God? because I know He speaks!
KEM..
My dear,i think deep within you,you STILL do NOT trust this guy.BUT only you know why you had to accept getting engaged to him.
That thing “once a cheat” and all rings true most of the time…if he was not smart enough to put into the balance what he could lose initially(YOU),what makes you think that he has thought that deeply, when he has you hook line and sinker and he KNOWS that societal pressures will make you look the other way IF he cheats again when you guys get married?
My own harsh question would be WHY are you setting yourself up for an inevitable fall?
I come from a family where majority of the kids are women,our age range fall within 17(youngest) to 45(eldest)–21 GIRLS in all..and i have heard it ALL.
99% of the time when my sisters husbands/fiances/partners/baby daddys/boyfriends or what have you have cheated…they have all gone back to cheat again..ALL BECAUSE THEY FEEL THEY WOULD BE FORGIVEN.
To me forgiving a love rat is like enabling them…like a junkie and his next hit been provided an avenue to go for that next hit and next hit…all because he knows that when he comes back all he has to do is wear that “oh i am so sorry” face and then he gets handed more cash..and he is back to square one.
This guy had NO iota of respect for you or your feelings when he so brazenly brought another woman into the bed you share with him.
He hasn’t even paid your bride price so to speak and he has already treated you like sh*t.
All that demo/showing of banging on the door in the freezing cold..so flipping what?
Can you compare that to the way your heart must have dropped in temperature when you saw what you saw?
Nobody can tell you what to do as it is,we humans already know deep within what we want to do.
BUT KEEP IT AT THE BACK OF YOUR MIND THAT HE WILL CHEAT AGAIN..AND ONCE YOU ARE WILLING TO ACCEPT AND LIVE WITH THAT,THEN GO AHEAD…
But sometimes,we ladies deserve so much better than we accept.
As for me,i have been there done that,and the day i kicked the sucker out of my life and KNEW THAT I DESERVED THE BEST,AND AS GOOD AS I WAS GIVING,was the day my relationship became better.
I met someone else who treats me like such a rare gem that one day sef,i had to ask him if he was like gay or something and just been so nice to me because he wanted a beard to satisy societal obligations–because me i never jam this kind love before.
I am happier,more positive,more trusting,and totally in love with a dude who loves me equally,if not more.And he has NEVER made me doubt him for a day-his yes is his yes,and his no is his no.
He never hides his phone from me,i can pick up his calls,within a month of dating i got the spare keys to his flat,so much so,friends asked if i “jazzed” him.
Bottom line,with the rubbish i settled for in the past all in the name of “wanting to save face and have man”–if anyone had told me that love like this existed or that a man like my present man was for real,i would have been the first to say SHARRAP THERE,NA LIE..
But it is true..
Think deeply kem—think deeply.
thanks a whole lot for the very long comment!!! its well appreciated and I promise to give you a feedback of what happens next. He had shared that same bed with his Ex before I came along….saw pics of her on the bed) I was not suppose to be in that bed at all (as a Christian) I knew much better but my flesh was ruling over me. Nnenna dalu!!! if you have any more advice pls feel free to share am also an igbo
Don’t do it. My situation was almost like yours. Only I chose to forgive him,accepted his proposal, had a fantastic huge wedding and 2 years later we are divorced.
1) You can never trust him again
You will constantly feel something is wrong but you will not be able to place your finger on it
2) He can only bend over backwards for you for so long
3) He will expect you to get over it and stop holding his misdeed over your head
4) He will eventually get resentful
5) You don’t respect him any more and he really can’t handle that deep in his heart
6) You will drive yourself crazy, and it will take you a very long time to find peace of mind if you stay
7) He will cheat on you again and only get smarter and sneakier about it
9) You will now be labeled as the paranoid one, and he will start making you think you are crazy for imagining he is cheating again
I could go on and one sister….
Marraige is tough and people try less and less as the marraige progresses. Don’t start off with a broken vase, when you have the choice to be pick a whole one. For real, dont do it. I wish to God I had not. Breaking off it tough, but divorce is like a small death.
And screw the people that tell you to stick to him because all men have their issues. At least pick one that will cheat on you after at least 5 years of marraige
Good luck…
Oh Copina!!! i’m so sorry to hear about your divorce. what i love most is your comment is to at least get someone who will cheat on me after 5yrs of marriage. that struck home for me. Currently I do not fully trust him. the only thing i’m holding unto is whether God can intervance and change him? HE is the only that can totally transform him. Every man out there that is not with God is certainly going to cheat again & again & again. Its only by the grace of God and the power of His Holy Spirit can these men resist the temptation. please continue sending your advice & i promise to give you a feedback. thanks you so much
@ Copina: God bless you…Don’t start off with a broken vase, when you have the choice to pick a whole one.Shikena
omo, this is deep.
Kem, i’m no saint, but just talk to God like you would speak with a friend. He hears you even when it seems like there’s no headway. He has his way of working things out.
If you’re in doubt, don’t rush into it.
May God guide you, and bless you with an original vase, not a broken one…
Amen Bola!! I’m not saint either but HE does speak. Thanks again. I LOVE ALL OF YOU
we all have diff views on this, but the main truth is that someone gets hurt at the end of the day, whether its a marriage or a relationship or an engagement. Its such a shame that marriage is not sacred any more to some people..till today i still don’t understand why people cheat? What happened to self control, respect n loyalty?
i wish i know what happened to these beautiful qualities
p:s the examples I gave are not to be taken for facts cos dy were both hear says thanks..
well dats an okay normal ting in our modern day lives.but two cheating can never cope together. a guy or a girl dnt ve 2 sleep around just it seems evry1 is dng it.cheating is wrng it has side effects dat smpple dnt realize early.
Beautiful article…But really I don’t know if this would help the subconscious thoughts, mind and heart of our kindred esp the future generations: Imagine a couple 3 months into marriage Oga don dey carry babe for outside cos he’s wife is with baby and he can’t mate her…or after a couple of dating years six months into the marriage the couples separate.
Sha we don’t value our lives in the heat of the moment…I use we cos I don’t want to be a judge of the human flaws in us. It all boils down to maturity of the spiritual mind , discipline, respect for one’s self and another person (wife, husband, boyfriend or girlfriend). Sha, God is our strength..