Are African Men Better Lovers?
Posted on Saturday, February 13th, 2010 at 3:50 AMBy Ogo Ogbata
It’s that time of the year when many women wish for brightly coloured greeting cards, bouquets of flowers, delicious chocolate, nicely wrapped gifts, candle-lit dinners and everything else – affordable and unaffordable. However, my preoccupation is not with outward ritual and empty consumerism but with the heart of the matter. In other words, “Are African men fantastic lovers? Are they truly sensitive to the deep cravings of a woman’s heart?”
I ask because a vast body of evidence suggests that this is not the case. Growing up, many of the African novels I devoured depicted the African man as a tyrant, a wife beater. In the absence of violence, an uncouth caricature was painted at best. The African man was often the one who ate messily (loud chewing sounds interspersed by deep pig-like grunts). He drank water and thumped the glass abruptly on the table. Not much mind was payed to dress and physical comportment – hence the bushy hair, lager soaked moustache, nondescript loin cloth and shoddy shoes. His courtship exercise lacked imagination: moonlight frolicking, the occasional flower-plucking off a nearby shrub and the masochistic wrestling at the village square that makes the term ‘trophy wife’ sound quite apt.
Of course, we now know that this was a case of negative stereotyping and racism.
It was in Hollywood movies that we first saw suave looking men who got on their knees to pop the question, men who opened doors and pulled back chairs, who dared show their sensitive side by shedding a tear or two and who effortlessly swept women off their feet – literally. Fast forward to this era and you’ll find the controversy of the vulgar hip-hop video, the blatant media stereotypes… and the books, ah yes the books, aren’t much kinder to African men, if I’m honest.
I’m aware that romance is NOT love even though romance has its uses. Let it also be said that the media’s obsession with romantic love has crushed many an impressionable bride who discovered, after the fairy tale wedding, that hardwork and prayer (tons of it!) is what holds a marriage together. I now know that non-African men are not always as suave as they appear on screen and (if domestic violence and divorce statistics in the western world are anything to go by) not as woman-friendly as we are led to believe.
Of course, Africa now has its own version of the Hollywood rom-com and in the real world one can find many honest, decent and incurably romantic black men. However, I wonder what romance means to the typical African man and how it is expressed to the women in their lives – not just at designated seasons but on a day to day basis.
Are you in love with an African man? Is he faithful and sweet and full of pleasant surprises? Does he cook, clean, make you proud, make you laugh, wipe your tears and rise swiftly to your defence? Much has been said about the insensitive, two-timing, arrogant tribal-warlord types. Let’s hear it for the ‘real African men’ who know what love has got to do with it.
Or aren’t there any?
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Ogo Ogbata is the author of the new novel Egg-Larva-Pupa-Woman - a heart wrenching story about a woman’s romance with a radical politician and the terrible secret that threatens to destroy everything.
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Tags: African Men, Egg-Larva-Pupa-Woman, Nigerian Novels, Nigerian Romance, Nigerian Writing, Ogo Akubue-Ogbata, Ogo Ogbata
why is banky w’s face there my dear Ogo. pls remove it. he is 2 proud ohhh! fulfilling the stereotype. not a big fan
idris elba can come and get it anytime he wants – ow!
African Men better Lovers? mphmm good question. Well, maybe, maybe not. I have yet to find one who is. The ones I Have come across are usually CHEAP. I don’t know if it is just me, but they never wanna take their girls out because they bring up stories of how they prefer nice home-cooked meals.Or maybe the home-cooked meal thing only applies African women since some of my African male friends shower their Latina/white girlfriends with fancy gifts and expensive dinners. And there some who are just INTIMIDATED by women who make more money than them. i don’t know why, but i think this is always a funny issue. As for valentine’s day Forget it!! I can’t speak for everyone, but no african man knows anything about valentine’s day. maybe if the relationship is still fresh he will spoil you, but after..i think you should just save those candles for your birthday because that romantic dinner is buh-bye!!!!!!!!!!!
I have a friend.A black man.He remembers Valentines day,my birthday,christmas and he is very romantic,loves to cook and very loving. He likes to please.Be a man to him has somthing to do with how well he can please his lady among other things. He is so cute,sweet.I love him very much.What is not to love.
well said sis
If by better lovers , you mean better at “shagging” then yea, maybe they are better… but for anything else…i dnt even think i need to say how much they suck….
ahn – ahn pls what did bank do o??? pls do tell,
sorry meant banky not bank
topic is subjective….
Every society has its own culture and traditions. It is wrong to try and change an African orientated man to a western mode of sensetivity. Most African men are sensitive but in a different way. In my opinion, an African man on Valentine will get you a card, take you out on a nice long walk, expect you to make dinner, write you a poem, and try to sing a love song for you with his crooked voice. We need to understand that most African men cannot cook and society does not pressure them to learn how to cook.
Melo I agree with you o…CHEAP…I know some pple will say that money doesn’t matter, and it doesn’t. I think doing sth for ur significant other is thoughtful. It doesnt have to be extravagant, but it has to show that I’m worth the time, effort, and yes the money. I used to “see” this guy back home, and everyday he will come to my house in the afternoon to eat fufu, then try to grope me. He never for one day said let me take you out/let me cook for you/I brought lunch today..mba. For over 3mths. The thing is, my house was already a father christmas house were every stranger came to eat (my mom is like that) so I just let his sorry starving ass keep eating. And this boy can make mouth! He has this he has that… thing is, I dont ask for anything, but i expect the guy to take initiative and show me his creative side. And creative is not equal to trying to stick your tongue down my throat!and you know, if I have to ask him, then there’s no point to the whole thing eh kwa? lwkm…I think I just went off point, I dont even know what I’m ranting about anymore..hehe..Anyway, so if he likes homecooked meals, why doesnt he cook in his house, then invite me to dinner? he can buy candle now abi? If he feels its unmanly, then Waldorf Astoria is always available..mumu. As for the getting intimidated, hmm, that one na long story o…I have never seen a group of men that depend on a woman for their self esteem like Nigerian men. disclaimer: I know there could be exceptions. As I was saying, they always want the woman to be nothing, so that they can look big. this naija chic that came to my school recently always tells me that I wont get married cuz of how I am…blahhh.. A hardworking man has no need to be intimidated by a wealthier woman. He should weigh himself, is he smart, driven, does he have goals, is he working hard? if its a yes, his problems are half way solved o. I was watching that video “maga no need pay” or whatever, and this guy rapped, and he was dressed like a mechanic…*swoon* to me, there’s nothing as hot as a confident man working hard whatever HONEST thing he is doing ( well, there are one or two hotter things), its a plus if he knows where he is going..and stuff…Rant over….
i heard that sister
i feel its an African thing, especially in Nigeria, the men here are brought up in a way which makes them really annoying. but i feel if u study ur naija man properly, u would know how to tolerate him. as for me, if my man isn’t doing what i want him to do, i tell him. cos Ive learnt that what ever you cant change about your man wen u are courting forget it, cos u would have to live with it for the rest of your life. if u want a romantic life let him know, if u want a quite life let him know, teach him and pray he listens,its not their fault, its just the way dey were brought up, so, most of the blame goes to the African woman, if a mother should teach her son how to treat a woman right instead of teaching him how to be a man always, the world would have been a better place for african women.
Me thinks not!!! i mean wen it comes to an occassion like vals dae ofcourse most men would come through and noe to buy the roses and wat not but only becuz itz nw the norm and vals dae has become such a huge event in naij buh on a normal dae would he just think to say “oh let me get somfin for my boo to make her smile”? hell no!!!! (n ofcourse this is totally subjective as some men are jus too good to b true literally!)
You two take a number behind me.
I think thats a very good question…Are african men better lovers?? the answer is no but still I have come across just one of them that is actually good.
havent dated both white and black men….. when it comes to romance,deep feelings,honesty , and appropiate gift and appropiate or whatever time and good loving,I will give most kudos to the white men.
And its not really that african men dont know what to do ,but their problem is not just culture ,because our culture to love is romantic but they have an ego problem and tend to feel if you do this this that makes you a better lover you are a weeakling,which is not so at all.I believe a good loving man is the REAL man just like my father.
My parents lived in Nigeria,from diffrent cultural background but my mum knew she married the best man in the world because he treats her like an egg even after more than 35 years of marriage, my fathers helps in the kitchen,taking care of the children and home,never forgets to buy her cards on her birthday and anniversary…..the list is endless ,anway it is this one man that makes me belive African men COULD be better lover if they understands thats what makes a REAL man!!
I love you daddy!! lols
Well, having read through all the comments here, i discover all commentators here don’t seems to prefer Nigerian men to their white counterpart. Its a free world. They have the choice to go for whoever they so desire. One thing is certain,there is no basis for comparison between white men and Nigerian men. The culture is different,the up-bringing is also different. why expect a Nigerian man to be like oyinbo? Ladies,go out there and get yourself those oyinbos. There is a saying in Yoruba- “igbeyin lon dun oloku ada”. Odi aroda ojo, ki oni umbrella to mon pe eru lon nru kiri. I rest my case.
Better lovers romantically and/or sexually = Definitely No. Any woman who has tasted both berries (white and black) knows that white men are better lovers. Btw: someone above said “african men can’t cook” sorry but I humbly disagree because I see all male asylum seekers in Germany, Belgium and the Netherlands cooking their own meals without women. They just decide not to cook anymore once they have an african girlfriend because they think the kitchen is a woman’s domain. I try to tell those women I know not to cook for them but they won’t listen. *Dog wey won lost no dey hear master whistle*. Of course this rule only goes for african women because as soon as they have German girlfriends they go out to eat, help in the kitchen and change the baby’s diapers. Does this make any sense? I don’t blame the men, it’s the gullible women who allow these men fool them that I blame.
Great site, I just discovered it.
When it comes to men race is not a deciding factor for their individual behavioural characters. It’s more a matter of whom they are. There are white men who are as-or even more-chauvinistic than the average Nigerian man. White people also lack manners. Being romantic, having good manners and all that is all dependent on the upbringing, exposure, education, and individuality of the man in question, be him white or black. Sexually, Nigerian men know how to give it and whites know how to do funny, sometimes unnecessary moves which do not cut it. Forget what you see in x-rated films. Why do I need to suck on his finger when I can………..In bed there are insensitive men both black or white. Honestly, I think 99% of men are just confused on how to pleasure a woman so please just tell him what you want. If you orgasm most times it’s a stroke of luck. You know what, when you’re with a guy-white or black-ask him to hit your g-spot with his fingers, then you’ll know how much lecture you’ll have to give.
oh, one more thing. The force of a Nigerian man’s thrust is excitingly powerful. u can’t get it anywhere else and the white woman knows this.
it’s MY opinion…. ur entitled to urs….
Are you in love with an African man? Is he faithful and sweet and full of pleasant surprises? Does he cook, clean, make you proud, make you laugh, wipe your tears and rise swiftly to your defence?
Sorry this sort of African man does exist. An african man with such attributes is a freak of nature. They are typically arrogant, pompous, abusive and totally screwed in the head. Sadly the younger generation is even worse. My father’s generation was better. If one happens to come along that does these things it is because their parents chose to raise them in a non traditional way. Long long way to go
romantic? better lovers? lmao! our men are raised to think dat african women are there to serve them and nothing else… anyman wit a diff view was prob raised diff, and he hides his orientation wen he is wit his fellow cavemen…
Bt wen he’s with a white woman, o boy! d same man who can’t take his used plates to the kitchen suddenly bcomes Mr romantic…
abeg mk we leave matter for mathias jo…
“Are you in love with an African man? Is he faithful and sweet and full of pleasant surprises? Does he cook, clean, make you proud, make you laugh, wipe your tears and rise swiftly to your defence? ”
YES to all of the above!!!
but then again, he does it because his father (who his mother ended up leaving) is the exact opposite. after you grow up in a family where the man acts like he is the only one who counts and you see that the marriage fails, anyone with sense will realize that there has to be a better way.
i’ll be the first to admit that my boyfriend isn’t the typical naija man, but he is proof that men like that exist
this whole topic is based on stereotypes and generalizations that have been beaten to death.
It smacks of ignorance to build a theory on it.Good lovers and bad lovers are found in every race and tribe.
To believe otherwise is to delusional.
One man (woman)’s meat is another’s poison.
You are forgetting that Nigeria has over 250 languages/dialects but one centrally spoken and understoon one, English. Then again, this is the world wide web, people (in this global village) need to understand what you’re writing if your purpose is to communicate. If majority of the people you’re attempting to communicate with don’t understand what you’ve written, pray tell, of what use is your mention of the yoruba saying? Simply rest your case!!!!
Wale. Adeniji might as well mean JOKER to me!! hehehehe!
Thanks Inez. You definitely know better than everyone of them making comments here. I wish them luck. Like i wrote in my comment,its a free world. Let them make the choices of the husbands they want, be it white or African. One thing is certain,we are different breeds and we don’t have to expect the two to be the same. Thank God for giving us the freedom to choose who we want for partners. Go for a white man if that suit you. But left for me, i will never ever marry a white woman for any reason. I am black and proud of my heritage. A black woman will alway win my heart.
I have read all the comments above and agree and disagree with some. Firstly, I have nothing but love for my african brothers and call me racist but I would NEVER date a white man, ever. Nothing personal but just my own private sentiments, I am proudly african and nothing trully beats that dark chocolate and the finely built body my brothers have. All I have to say is, if you want something of your man, ASK, there is no genious way to romance, ask and it shall be given. Black, green yellow or white, men are somewhat all the same, whites may seem more receptive but that is because they women have been taught to stand up and ask. We on the contrary were taught different, dont question your husband, he’s the head of the house, well that could be true but he aint a magician and there is no way he can guess through what you need, so ASK of your man and he will deliver. Silence is not the key and man cannot simply read minds again abi?
KK, that’s why the author is asking for your own personal experience and view. The way to shatter stereotype and ignorance is by speaking up and telling our own stories abi?
is the African man faithful and sweet and full of pleasant surprises? Does he cook, clean, make you proud, make you laugh, wipe your tears and rise swiftly to your defence.
To the above i say YES.
i hav dated my Nigerian boyfriend for yrs and it has been wonderful. Takes me out to dinner, infact he cleans more than me. He cannot cook cos he grew up with many househelps but he makes an effort. He once insisted he would cook stew and even though it was crazy watery we bonded more cos of it. He now limits himself to breakfast in bed and microwave stuff.#
Dinner out is normal which he always pays for, going to d cinema is another constant. He randomly takes me shopping even though i dnt ask.
Random stays in hotels for a change of enviroment on days when i feel stressed is frequent and he never ever forgets vals day, my birthday, easter, xmas and new year.
so nija ladies dnt get carried away cos of stereotypes. give a brother a chance.
I am a man so i will leave it for the lady to do.
I can’t blow my trumpet.
Well said, KK. It’s not nice when men blow their own horns.
ok first of all being a better lover has nothing to do with race.you are either romantic or not and remb one persons opinion of romance differs from another person.as long as a man loves me, respects me dosent hit me is not cheating remembers my birthday occassionally takes me out, buys me gifts hes romantic all that candles, soft music, dosent appeal to me if a man dnt care for his skin colour is all that den hes romantic and pls dere are decent nigerian men eg my pops and brothers
lol lol lol at “his fellow cavemen”.
I think it differs from person to person but from my own personal experience I agree with those who say NO, african men are not the better lovers. As someone who had a white and a black guy I say white guys tend to be more romantic and understand women better. Even my brothers in Africa don’t celebrate valentine’s day. It’s just not in the african culture to treat your woman like a delicate flower, it’s all strong black woman this, strong black woman that. I’d rather be carried to a nice french restaurant on strong hands and be a lady to my man than pounding fufu on val’s day.
When it comes to men race is not a deciding factor for their individual behavioural characters. It’s more a matter of whom they are. There are white men who are as-or even more-chauvinistic than the average Nigerian man. White people also lack manners. Being romantic, having good manners and all that is all dependent on the upbringing, exposure, education, and individuality of the man in question, be him white or black. – by Inez
I totally agree.
This surely is a rhetorical question right?
When it comes to “shagging” I’d say it’s depends on the person you’re dating. I wouldn’t stick to a specific colour or country. My friends and I have had ups and downs with white and black men and as every civilized woman knows the whole “all african men have big willies” thing is nothing but a myth. Good sex depends in my humble opinion on whether he is young or more matured, experienced and knows how to touch a woman.
Now if the question is about being romantic and the capability of being able to build an emotional connection with a partner (especially over a long period of time) then my answer is 100% NO THEY’RE NOT. It’s just not in the african culture to be romantic to your girlfriend, wifey or wife. From the experiences I have gathered, from relatives (mom, grandmom, aunts, cousins and so on) and friends (european and african, lord even asian) I am sure that Mr. Vanilla is the perfect lover. My husband is a strong, loving and caring english man, who treats me like a lady and my family adores him. No nappy hair, colour or figure problems here. I am so lucky to have him. I feel like singing sweet dreams from Beyonce everytime I’m with him.
Salaam!
“My husband is a strong, loving and caring english man, who treats me like a lady and my family adores him. **No nappy hair, colour or figure problems here**.”
It’s interesting to hear that your nappy hair, colour and figure are no longer a problem.
thats the simple truth.lol.
First of all , why is being Africa generalized? We´ve got so so many cultures and so many diffent ifferent kinds of ways!
There are men I know in my grandfathers age who I woul term as romantic.
On the other it was also important that a man was courageous, strong, brave, “hard-natured”! It they hadn´t had possessed these characteristics, the tribes and cultures would have died, or been assimulated due to the many wars, migrations etc. Just imagine this man had married a wife form a minority group and gone on to be soft and romantic, he would have his culture, since the woman would have taken over the home. And remember cultire was s o important those days.
The common man of today still has still has certain beliefs on who has the last word etc, but he is messed up, because, he is not that courageous as his forefathers. He is a coward, but wants so much respect. African men who have been exposed, can really be romantic. Sometimes the money is an issue too!
Remember an African believes a real family has to own a personal house! So I think Africans and Europeans have different spending habits!
I personally think if I go out with a white man, I will have the highest chances of finding a romantic man in my life, but I go out with an African, maybe he will be more generous!
Very funny. Ask my wife and hear her answer. I know she’d tell U that I’m a loving, romantic, caring man. Even the guys U’re dated who U call unromantic, I’m sure that there a women who think that they’re romantic.
There is nothing wrong with finding European men more romantic than African men. However, sucking up or feeling inferior to them
based on your claim that you celebrate European event and they do not, is another matter entirely. My point is please date whoever
you like regardless of race without self hatred.Two words spring to mind when you said “I’d rather be carried to a nice french
restaurant on strong hands and be a lady to my man than pounding fufu on val’s day”. These words are Aunt Jemima. Love yourself pls.
well showing ur true african self!everyone on bellanaija is not yoruba so catch dat!if you wish to make your comment for oda pple to read then you should write in English cos other comments you read were not in vernacular ! thank you!
Dating an African American Man. He is all about his Root from African. Recently, He said that I could have anything I want from him. But, I just didn’t know how to go about asking him. So, I’m not sure how to ask. Jsut so you know. Its not money that I want. I want him to be more romatic and commit to a relationship. Any advice you offer would be greatly appreciated.
I am datin a Southafrican man and he is a dream. he is romantic, caring person, cheerfull, a sweet lover, he cook, clean. etc. I am a latin girl and I treath him the same way. we are deeply in love.
yes especially kenyan men
living around alot of Guinean/ Malians i can tell you that with Muslims it seems, how they deal with women is not a way that i find romantic, or caring.
I don’t really have much experience with African men but I know quite alot of Africans being that i live here in NY.I am African American, I won’t categorize them all the same, thats not fair to say, and im in no position to speak on them. Many of them have a reputation of being cheap/ womanizers etc. in this cit, but i won’t paint the brothers with the same brush because if you notice, ALL black men seem to be painted with that brush.
I am dating a Ghanian, and i can say he is a modern African man. He is educated kind and gentle, but he is certainly a real African man all the way , unapologetically masculine without being overbearing! My idea of romance doesn’t exist in his world i believe. He is thoughtful which is what matters and he is emotionally available to me.
He would rather have a home cooked meal and watch movies than spend alot of time outside ( which im not used to) and hes just happy with his banku and kenkey n red pepper. Africans to me are on par with Asians in many ways, tis about family/ supporting family/ being with family/ working to take care of family/ saving “face”. etc. those qualities are admirable but we Yankees are used to not having family so “in your face”. Romance is a western idea for the most part. it isn’t African or Asian, we have to understand that men have to be taught what we like and we have to communicate this to them and perhaps they can take cues. If your man is good to y ou , honest and loving, work with him
am with an african man and he is always buying me flowers and been very thoughtfull to me.Am not used to it,as my past was all with white men and they never realy bothered about me.Now with christmas coming am getting excited about what mr santa will get me:)