FRIDAY TRACK: I’ll Give you a Sweet Slap!

Kilon Sweet!

I don’t know where you were last night but yours truly sat happily in traffic headed for the MNet studio-something launch party but as Victoria Island is  the drainage haven, I found myself posing for the red carpet in my car.

Sitting in a car for long periods of time left me feeling as some will say rather ‘pekish’. As it became evident that I’d spend my evening staring at red headlights, I got out of the car at Ahmadu Bello into a sea of trigger happy horn blowers, dodging Keke Napep riders as I crossed to the Silverbird Galleria.

Walking into the Galleria is always a treat – three floors down, you can always perceive the Popcorn odour. At the foot of the first set of staircase were two bored looking teenage girls standing idle.

They were deep in chat; you’d think they were arguing if indeed rapper M.I. was taller than Nicki Minaj. Whatever it was, these girls were visibly hot and bothered. As I walked past the pair, I heard one say “Fashiii, I have to have one of those MTV Sweet Sixteen parties…, you should tell your dad too…”

That single statement caused both my head and feet to communicate and both agreed to walk in slow motion. Suddenly the staircase in front of me seemed like England’s task of equalizing after the fourth German goal.
They went on “…they said that MTV has started collecting applications, do you think they will have finished the show by my birthday?”

Like joke like joke, when I got home, I went online and indeed confirmed MTV’s plans to shoot a series of its globally famous Sweet Sixteen parties in Lagos. This had me thinking, and I’ll say this in yoruba “osi o da nile e pako” – Pidgin translation – “Nonsense & Konkability…”

10 years ago, when you turned 16, (if you were in boarding school in which case forget getting anything other than a cooler of Fried Rice and Turkey, a carton of Capri Sonne and some contraband provisions), if you lived at home, you might get a parlour party – you invite your school friends, parents feed them, the cool kids play Sonic the Hedgehog on your SEGA Saturn, you take pictures with your Mr. Biggs’ cake, Uncles & Aunts give you crap cards with  N10k in them, your friends dance to Puffy and Million dollar sign E hits, you compare Timberland boots. Everyone goes home happy.

The closest gift you’ll get to a car is a Bible, so that you can pray well well for one to come.

If this series actually premieres, I must confess, I’ll be fascinated to see the brave Nigerian families who will volunteer to partake in this vanity showpiece. It was only a few weeks ago that I was left gobsmacked by the idea of High School Musical coming to Lagos. What I wanted to know was, can we not come up with concepts for teenage-friendly shows? Must we take on globally successful formulas? Where are all the talented scriptwriters we have in this country?

Like High School Musical, the MTV’s Sweet 16 franchise has deep consequences for our society. As the cool uncle of 14 nephews and nieces, I tell you asking a 13-year old, “how’s school..?” is not the same as it once was. Today, it’s a soap opera answer of 10-year olds carrying iPhones to school, teenagers sending drivers back home to bring a better car, and pupils wearing Ralph Lauren polo tops for P.E.

What’s more disturbing is knowing that some parents are catalysts in what can only be describe as passing your inferiority complex to your pikin. Have you been to one of the Corona schools on an average day? The Mums’ outfits alone deserve a ‘Project School Run’ spin-off.

Perhaps it’s a good thing I don’t have a teenage sibling cause a request of a Sweet 16 party staged for the glaring cameras of MTV will result in  following, and in this particular order: (i) A knock on the head, (ii) A gari and kulikuli diet for a week, and, (iii) a BRT bus pass.

Moving on, This week’s Friday Track is a new discovery with the opposite concern to our Generation “throw-me-a-teenage-friendly-owambe”. All Aloe Blacc needs is a dollar, and he’s hoping if he shares his story with you, you’ll share your dollar with him.

Enjoy this powerful song! Click here to Listen

30 Comments on FRIDAY TRACK: I’ll Give you a Sweet Slap!
  • Ebs July 2, 2010 at 7:23 pm

    these posts always make my friday! lol @ “The closest gift you’ll get to a car is a Bible, so that you can pray well well for one to come.” so true.

  • Hausa Babe July 2, 2010 at 7:59 pm

    LMAO, omg i love u, this is absolutely hilarious!!! It’s sad how our society/youth are influenced by the glitz and glam that we see on American TV. thank God for those of us who still appreciate the old ways of eating nasco buscuit and drinking ribena for our birthdays, lol

  • tbn July 2, 2010 at 9:00 pm

    Hey i absolutely love this friday track articles and its topics/anecdotes… lol @ “Suddenly the staircase in front of me seemed like England’s task of equalizing after the fourth German goal” lol :) but to the issue of spoilt kids and their inferiority complexed parents, I wonder where is all this arrant rubbish coming from? What sort of kids are being raised now adays abeg? Gone are the days when parents taught their kids the importance of hard work and non-reliance on their wealth, emphasising on them concentrating on their education. Now we have parents competing to outdo each other during their kids’ parties held at school, i recently read on a nigerian news paper on this topic (which has become a source of concern to well meaning people),that a parent all in the name of competing in handing out goodie bags in one of these so called high brow lagos schools, gave all the kids in the class bicycles… Now all these kids talk about after summer holidays is where did you go for summer, london, america, paris etc. and when the kid mentions one of these countries the other one goes “when you got on the plane where did turn left or right” left meaning business/first class and right meaning economy class. Nonesense and konkobility indeed and how disgustingly materialistic can parents be? teaching their kids to be the same way. May God help us all and especially the future generation. SMH

    • lizzy December 13, 2010 at 1:00 pm

      My dear, i read the same article in this day style and i marvelled. They even went ahead 2 say that mom;s of these days now do thai and chinese foods for their kids’ Birthdays in school. lousy mothers i will say. God help this generation.

  • Jay July 2, 2010 at 9:04 pm

    LWKMD….:-)

  • misstee July 2, 2010 at 9:22 pm

    well said my brutha,well said!!!na real nonsense and konkability(abi wetin u call am?) mssshewww…there’s an urgent and very obvious need to retrieve our old values as a society…the tenns have lost it completely! no thanx to d ‘fake-da-funk” parents….hmmmphh!

  • Aibee July 2, 2010 at 9:24 pm

    Bobo, I feel your pain. That was my exact reaction when I heard about the show coming to Naija. I watched about 5 episodes of the American version and was so pissed off. I was very confident that such an idea would not sell in my country where people still have a measure of sanity. Here we are, less than 2 years after and what have we here? Sweet 16 party is in Nigeria? How do we blame the kids when the parents who should know better are competing to outdo each other in spraying at Owambe parties, see who gets featured the most in Style. The culture of ostentation has finnaly arrived in Nigeria. I can only say what a pity.

  • Myne Whitman July 2, 2010 at 9:29 pm

    Well written, your suggestions are on point. Loved the writing too. naija and our show off.

  • qt July 2, 2010 at 11:03 pm

    Bobo funny article,however in the days of Sonic N10k would buy you a console
    maybe even a used car and would never fit in a card. highest denomination ws
    N20/ N50 naira…. dont mind me i’m just mad cos i only recall gettin like N500
    max…..maybe ur fam just ballin like that tho!!!!!

  • Ibo Omoge July 3, 2010 at 12:37 am

    @ tbn..LOL! “when you got on the plane where did turn left or right”…LWKMD!..Chai! Na im be say my own for worse pass, cos I’ll say “I don’t enter through the main door, I go thru the boot of the plane”. LOL!

  • Tee July 3, 2010 at 3:24 am

    So so sad…wats our society turning into? never thought that show made any sense…how can u encourage a 16yr old to live a lavished life when he or she doesnt know what it means to mearn a cent. how does it make sense? Even if d parents of kids who would indulge in this were plucking the money from a tree i bet they still had to climb the tree or use a stick to get it down…wouldnt it mk more sense to teach the kid how to climb d tree first? Oma se oh. This is really sad. Later on in future these same parents would be out searching for the cause behind their kid`s misfortune.Running from one prayer house to d other…pointing fingers at innocent relatives n friends..
    SAD SAD SAD……

  • yettyprettyface July 3, 2010 at 9:03 am

    yeah sad am a teenager too my parents a doing great but they dont give me all dat kind of pleasure…i know its fun but in my opinion….its sad really sad cos nowadays teenager care abt big cars, cool braclet nd the rest not their books its crazy …u see half of them failling a class y , cos they dont pay attention all they know is party…pple tell me u talk wiser dan u age ..nd i say yes cos am smart i use my spare time reasoning abt stuff (important once) …i know its good to have fun but the time would come not at this early age ”sucess through hardwork”is my motto.

  • ij July 3, 2010 at 5:34 pm

    Heeeeee!!!! my sweet 16 was a parlour party , jollof / fried rice/ chicken,
    dodo ,soft drinks , mike the photographer at adelabu , with my older
    brother as the DJ pere! and it was over at 7pm because party or no party
    we still had to say our usual night prayers at 8pm !
    it will be interesting to see which family will entertain this kind of MTV sweet 16
    rubbish , if thieves will not strip them of all their belongings including the
    kitchen sink sef.

    • storm December 13, 2010 at 12:37 pm

      lmao! ur comment is sooo on point!

  • Naija July 4, 2010 at 2:02 am

    Good stuff right here. Bobo, you don try!!

  • Omada July 4, 2010 at 11:14 pm

    i didnt even have a 16th birthday party! by birthday was always in school and my school was in another state! where u wan see fried rice and turkey? who dash you?
    the onli thing i got was bday cards from classmates and that made me really happy…

    bt seriously, nigeria is turning into something else! the vanity and materialism is just too much.
    most parents don’t teach their kids the values of hardwork again, its all about showing off, esp. in lagos! this is one of the reasons why corruption won’t end, bcos our focus is on all the wrong things…

    imagine a woman putting a gold chain of 80k on her 3yr old daughter to school! an infant still in kindergaten!. of course it was stolen & she came to the school and was making noise!

    you can be sure if this sweet 16 should start, mags like Thisday style and co. will rush to cover it…

  • lilisq July 5, 2010 at 12:17 am

    My Sweet 16 birthday was tied to performance. U av to pass ur GCE or else Ko
    ko for U, if care is not taken sef …..make i no talk am

  • kedu-odinma July 5, 2010 at 1:18 am

    lmao @ million dollar sign E…its M-A-$-E, aka mase the rapper…u guys must’ve had a nasty childhood oh..on my 16th bday
    i took my friends for dinner at golden gate and dare art alade performed, this was 7yrs ago wen he was at cool fm…its really not a big deal 2 thro a party if u can afford it…leave us rich kids abeg, tell ur parents 2 work harder…lol.

  • KEMIKemi July 5, 2010 at 1:29 am

    Haba! As if you do not live in Lagos. You are talking about sweet sixteen! Even ordinary birthday parties for children are a major production! Parties when they are giving out nintendo DSi’s /bikes and other ‘cool’ gifts as party packs! FYI there have been a good number of sweet 16 parties already in Naija. You no trust your people?

  • MiZ Attitude July 5, 2010 at 8:44 am

    Hmm you should have seen my colleague’s daughter’s one year birthday party.
    it was bigger that most weddings i have been to. people don’t know where their priorities
    lie anymore

  • Bella Duchess July 5, 2010 at 9:22 am

    love love love the Friday tracks, my highlight of the week. My comment is this, if you give or rather land things on your childs’ lap for free, what kind of a man or woman are you creating? they dont know the value of hard work, they don’t appreciate the sweat and satisfaction of working for something themeselves and so hence do’nt and will never ever know what its like to earn something, pity,. No matter how much money we have, our counterparts NEVER ever GIVE THEIR KIDS a free ride, look at all the white folks, their kids work for a living, we are slowly but surely ruining our nation for the future. our children need to know value, is it because its new money, white folks have always had money and do they partake in Sweet 16, nah, they teach their kids to earn, sweat and value their worth and what they have, here we are spoiling our kids rotten all in the name of so called love.

  • yaya July 5, 2010 at 11:41 am

    @kedu odinma-nawa 4u o

  • Seme-B July 6, 2010 at 11:55 am

    i concur with yaya !! the bit that got me was : ‘teenagers sending
    drivers back home to bring a better car’ WHAT !!!! where is the respect
    abi u want to walk back home ?? is this for real??
    Naija is seriously jokes !!!

  • TrueTalk July 23, 2010 at 4:42 pm

    lmao!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    I missed this one. LWKMD! Sweet gini? My friend when you haven’t
    gotten more than 2 As? How e wan take happen? Arrant nonsense.
    I call this generation the “shallow-reality tv show generation!”

  • damilola July 26, 2010 at 12:38 pm

    lmfao like you said in the boarding house a cooler of rice is so on point for your 16th birthday n i love th eknock on the head followed by kulikuli n gari n a brt buss pass nice lmao

  • Obi Wan Kenobi July 27, 2010 at 11:11 am

    @yettyprettyface rock on girl!!! you give me hope for your generation.
    yeah the part about the knock on the head and the BRT bus pass was really funny.
    the truth is that most people that throw their money away on rubbish didn’t work hard for it. real rich people who have earned it are made of sterner stuff. So show me your expense list and i’ll tell you who you are

  • Ready October 29, 2010 at 10:41 pm

    Osi o da. At 16, I was in my first year of college in the U.S and praying that my dad would have enough for tuition having just left my parents in Naija.

    • Ayodeji October 30, 2010 at 5:45 am

      Lol. I know what you mean. I was praying to the high heavens that I would make straight A’s so that my Dad wll be happy about paying my fees.
      As for the driver part, my dad once asked the driver to leave me in school because I was wasting the poor man’s time after school ,leaving me to take the bus back home. Once I did it the first time, the driver NEVER came to pick me again. Except when I left for boarding school and I needed help in packing my things. I took the bus after then.

  • vee November 2, 2010 at 3:29 am

    People let’s not all try to be judgy judgy. I see nothing wrong with rich parents providing a very comfortable life for their kids. What is wrong is the lack of moral and disciplinary concern for their kids to go along with that lifestyle. It’s hard but when you don’t love your kid enough to show him/her how to survive in the world, then u shouldn’t call spoiling them only love. That’s why people view rich kids or parents as bad/shallow. There are lots of rich kids who wear expensive clothes, have expensive cars and all but they KNOW the value of what they have, how hard it is for some to get those things and have the discipline in them to respect hardwork. It’s a very thin rope to walk on but the rich parents have to find that balance. Personally, i had the N1 giving aunts, chin chin and fanta birthday party childhood :D

  • bignaijababe November 8, 2010 at 9:55 am

    @ kilonsparkles..you can always ‘perceive’ the Popcorn odour
    ‘Perceive’ is not the verb you should have used here….. but hey its all good we get the ‘naija’ meaning!!!!

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