BN Hot Topic: Rules of EngagementPosted on Friday, June 10th, 2011 at 11:07 AM
By Glory Edozien
Calling all Bellanaija.com readers! Calling all Bellanaija.com readers! As always I need your help to sort a rather ‘hot’ matter that has just landed on my lap and is threatening to eat away the fabric of my black leggings.
Initially, on my publishing schedule for this week, I didn’t have anything planned under the BN Hot Topic Feature. But after the 47 minutes and 43 second international phone call I’ve just had with my friend Bunmi, my head was buzzing and the only thing I could do after was write.
Believe it or not, this matter I am about to bring to your attention started 2 years ago, while I was on Holiday in the States and I visited my friend Bunmi. At the time, she had just started seeing this new guy called Emeka. On one of my visits to see Bunmi, I took along a friend Stella, and it turned out that Emeka and Stella were in the same primary school years ago. We all chatted about primary school and I thought nothing more about the matter. As time went on Bunmi and Stella, since they lived in the same State, became close friends, so much so that I haven’t heard from either of them until this matter escalated to the point of combustion.
6 months into her relationship with Emeka, Bunmi called off the relationship and started seeing Stella’s cousin, Alfred. The relationship was doomed from the start and was over within a matter of weeks. At which point, Bunmi decided to see if there was any possibility that Emeka might still have feelings for her, he didn’t. They decided to remain friends, although Bunmi secretly hoped he would forgive her and change his mind. All the while, Stella remained Bunmi’s confidant and a shoulder to cry on anytime she wanted to complain about how much she missed Emeka.
Fast forward to a year later and Bunmi had moved on with her life and was dating someone else. On one of Stella’s numerous visits to Bunmi’s, she mentions that she bumped into Emeka a few weeks earlier and went out for drinks with him. She asks Bunmi if she minds and Bunmi says she doesn’t. She goes on about how a lot of time has passed between herself and Emeka and how she is over him. Less than two weeks after this conversation Emeka and Stella became an official couple and after dating for almost a year, Emeka is planning to propose. This is where I come in.
Although, I had been aware about the whole couple switching going on, neither of them had actually kept in touch with me, apart from the once-in-6 months poke on Facebook. So you can imagine my surprise, when I heard my phone ring and saw the name Bunmi US flash on the screen. At first, I assumed it was a friendly catch up call, not until I picked up and heard the person on the other line sobbing. Apparently, Bunmi is furious with Stella and they haven’t spoken in months. According to her, she feels that Stella betrayed her by dating Emeka and actually suspects that that was the initial reason she became friends with her- to ‘steal’ Emeka. I pointed out that she gave Stella permission to date Emeka, and if she was so bothered about it she shouldn’t have done so in the first place. To which she replied, that she had only done so to be the bigger person and didn’t want to seem petty. She also admitted that she didn’t realize things would work out between them and assumed that the relationship would be over in a few weeks. When she realized this was not the case, she confided in Stella, about how awkward the whole thing felt and how she thought it may affect their friendship. Unfortunately, Stella saw things differently and reminded Bunmi that she and Emeka had actually dated in primary school. So technically, she had dated Emeka first. That was the last time they ever spoke.
As Bunmi narrated her tale to me over the phone, I couldn’t help but wonder what my response or responsibility in the matter should be. From Bunmi’s tone, I couldn’t help but suspect that she felt I had something to do with the whole thing. Perhaps, she resents the fact that I brought Stella to her house two years ago or that she allowed herself to get close to Stella. Luckily, we got cut off before I had to make a comment one way or the other.
As I write, I am yet to figure out who really is to blame in the matter. Do I have any fault, in taking Stella to visit Bunmi? Should Bunmi never have given her permission to Stella to date Emeka? But did she really ever have the right to withhold or even give permission in the first place? Did Stella break any unspoken rules of friendship by dating Emeka? Should she have known that your friends’ ex is forever off-limits? Or is Emeka here the cause of everything; of all the women in the world, couldn’t he have picked someone else? But even more generally, is dating your friends’, sibling’s, cousin’s ex, wrong? If it is, why? Can we really blame anyone for where they find love?
I can’t wait to read your views! Let’s analyse!!!