Aunty Bella: Mrs. Is He Trapped in the Closet?
Posted on Tuesday, August 16th, 2011 at 2:20 PMBy BellaNaija.com
“Aunty Bella” is our agony aunt column on BellaNaija. It was the first regular “feature” during our days as a blog and it has remained one of our favourites since then. It has been a while since our last Aunty Bella dilemma – this is because we often get submissions which are similar to issues covered in the past. A BN reader reached out to us, we have corresponded with her and here is her story. *Reader Discretion Advised*
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Dear Aunty Bella,
This is the most difficult time of my life and there is really no one I can share this issue with. I cannot talk to my friends, my family and especially not my husband. I have confidentially spoken to my Pastor and his wife and as I narrate my story, I will share the advice they gave me.
My husband and I have been married for over a year and all has been blissful so far – until now. I know my husband and he knows me too, what I am trying to say is, we did not have an arranged marriage or a whirlwind romance. We met, developed our friendship, love and bond then got married. My husband is an attentive, caring and sexy guy. I had been in a few relationships before him and I know what GOOD looks and feels like. My Mr, works in a lucrative industry which forces him to be away off and on (Month home, Month off to work) all through the year. Due to that fact, we decided to hold up on having children until he secures a transfer permanently based at home.
Exactly 2 weeks ago, he arrived back home and I was so excited to see him. I had so many special treats planned for him when he got back. The next day, he went off to see family and I decided to use his laptop to reconfigure my ipad. I am not the most tech savvy person but in the course of trying to figure things out, I came across files on his computer which changed my life. I am still not 100% sure how I got to there but when I clicked a video popped up and to be straightforward, it was gay pornography. Believe me, despite the Nigerian views towards homosexuality, maybe because of my liberal and open upbringing, I am far from homophobic but as soon as I saw that video, I did not realize when I threw up on myself. My husband, watching this! No way! I went to the search box of his computer and typed in video. This led the way to a whole folder with similar videos. It was as if everything was happening in slow motion, I just started crying and walking around our room talking to myself. I did this for over an hour. After that, I went to take a shower to clean up, once again, I spent over an hour in there, crying and praying. When I came out of the shower, my husband wasn’t back so I went back to the computer, closed all the files and cleaned up the keys.
When he got back, I tried my best to pretend but just could not bring myself to speak to him. I lied that I had a migraine and just went to bed. I didn’t even make dinner. We have a very active sexual life so as usual, he tried when he got into bed. I just pretended to be in a deep sleep and didn’t move an inch. I was so grateful when he got a call the next day that there had been an accident at his work place so he had to fly over to replace the person who was injured. Before he left, I went back to his computer to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating before and found the files again. I also checked his computer history and saw that he had browsed the sites where he got the videos even during work hours!
After wallowing by myself for a few days, I went to talk to my pastor. My pastor is someone I have known for years even prior to my marriage. He and his wife have been great spiritual mentors. It was so painful talking about what happened. He listened without speaking or even showing any reaction. After I finished, he encouraged me not to confront my husband (yet), he said I should pray and fast for a specified number of days to clear my mind and get God’s direction. After that I spoke to his wife who advised that I go for a complete medical checkup including HIV and STDs. She also advised that if the tests came out clean, I should buy lingerie and condoms and ensure that I sleep with my husband (protected) when he gets back unless the intimacy will be destroyed forever.
I went for all the tests and by God’s grace, they were all clean. Though the doctor advised that I redo the HIV test after 3 months if I felt I had been exposed to the virus.
My husband will be back soon and I do not know what to say or do when he gets back. When we speak on the phone, I try to sound like my regular self but it is so hard. I keep asking myself, is he gay? Or is it just a fantasy? Is he cheating on me with another man? Is he unsatisfied with me?
So many questions.
Before anyone asks, forget the clichés about gay men. He is definitely not effeminate in any way, I have never seen him checking out another man or women, our sex life has always been very very very healthy and great. He is a great friend, provider and husband, I cannot imagine life without him. He stood by me through a couple of hard times especially when we were dating so it will be so difficult for me to turn around and say goodbye. Sometimes I wish I didn’t see what I saw, I pray that maybe a colleague used his computer or maybe he accidentally bought a used or refurbished laptop but I know this is unlikely.
I cannot talk to my mum (instant family meeting), I cannot talk to my friends (I do not want to become the latest gist) and my pastor and his wife’s advice seems good but I am not sure I have the grace to apply it. Please help!
**Minor details have been changed to protect the identity of Mrs. IHTITC
Tags: Aunty Bella
WOW!!!!
wow nobi small o…….like double wow!!!
talk to him oh TALK TO HIM.. u doing process of elimination in your head will drive u CRAZY ..there should be 3 pple in this relationship you your husband and GOD!U AND him have become 1 and as 1, the only way to solve this is to ask him about the gay porn videos you saw and dont confront him by yellinlike a MAD woman.. use wisdom, and then when you have an answer (hoping the answer was a friend used his laptop or just curiosity) seek spiritual counselling before you can Move forward. u said he is a good man, husband, and he has been there for you. dont let this incident destry the plan God has for you two..THE DEVIL IS A LIAR ..YOUR MARRIAGE WILL SURVIVE ..ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS CONFRONT HIM ON WHAT YOU SAW .IT IS WELL!
I am facing the same problem & i’ve cried & tried everything but nothing seems to work. Every time i bring it up, he tells me i’m imagining things & then hides or deletes it. I discovered “regular” porn in the browsing history of his laptop when we were dating but he said it must have been his colleagues since he doesn’t password his laptop. I never saw it again & therefore believed him until we got married & i started seeing porn links again as well as strange calls at night & mails to girls on FB.
I didn’t discuss the matter with anyone other than God & what i have been able to realize is that i cannot change him. Constantly bringing it up will either make him hide it more or even lose his respect for me & damn the consequences. I think you should give him over to God & pray for his deliverance. Porn is a very dangerous thing to get addicted to & like other addictions, it holds sway over the addicts life.
I’m still praying & although i hardly see it on the laptop at home, i cannot say the same thing for the office Computer. I believe that he will indeed surmount this problem & i intend to stand by him while he does. Please do the same for your husband & try not to change towards him. I think your pastor’s advice is very good too.
Please do not nag him at all, it will just push him more to these vices. Win him over with love. I’m sure he hates that he does it already because he knows it is wrong, he doesn’t need you to tell him how wrong or weak he is to give in to porn. I have a friend who nagged her husband about his extra-marital affairs very early in their marriage, he just kept at it. After some years of heartache, she decided to take the fight to God, they’ve been married for 10 years now & he has rededicated his life to God.
I believe that this is just a part of his life that is yet to be arrested by God & in due time it will be. It’s not easy so daily ask god for strength to see you through because you cannot do it without Him.
seriously assumption is the mother of frustration why jump into conclusion..it culd b some1else using ur husbands laptop and u shuld b bothered when ur sex life is in trouble not now..take a chill pill and keep giving your husband wat he wants better still travel with him you should not be apart for too long u knw..
pls travel withb him on his next trip, please please make sure you do. pray, dont jump into conclusions, act like the wife u usually are, protect urself. After careful observation of his ways abroad for a period of at least 1 month, confront him and take it from there. May God lead you
Hello….its offshore she cant go with him…also being there doesnt change anything.if he is like that they find a split sec to do what they need to do. TALK to him is the only way, no nagging just ask questions and pray to God.
omg!!!! will wait for ohters to comment. my oh my!
Okay, I’m commenting. First, there’s a difference between watching porn, and SAVING IT ON YOUR COMPUTER. You can watch something at the time because it catches your eye, but if you save it on your computer, then you intend to come back to it later, and explore further. Bearing that in mind, whoever saved that on the computer does not have merely a passing interest in homosexuality.
Secondly, it is EXTREMELEY RARE that a porn addict, especially a gay one, will download and then leave his stash in someone else’s computer. In this day and age of bluetooth, burnins CDs, USB keys and whatnot? Uh uh. My guess is , the owner of the computer is the owner of the stash.
I hope you read this before ur husband comes home again, because you need to act fast, before your emotions spill over. What I would do if I were you:-choose a particular relaxed evening, and bring the computer into whatever room he is. Proceed to innocently browse the computer , then open the file, point to the porn and ask him what it is doing there. If it aint there anymore, tell him you saw it, and had been wondering how to bring it up. Listen to what he says but more importantly, watch how he reacts. Depending on what he says, you can decide what to do. However, in my opinion, you should start entertaining the possibility that your husband is indeed gay.
I feel really bad for you, I wish I could offer some real support other than these few words. You’ll be alright, my dear. What doesn’t kill you, believe it or not, makes you stronger.
Eyah. Well it’s the dilemma with most men in Naija my dear. We know how homosexuals are vilified and hated in Naija. What would you expect him to do? He obviously can’t come out and parade himself as gay in Naija, and he can’t get married to a man, so what does we do?
Honestly my darling, if the tides were turned and Naija was like US/UK/foreign countries where gay people are accepted as part of society, then I would hate your husband. But in Naija, can you really blame him? Also, thank God your HIV tests came back clean…but then you know HIV is not a gay disease? Women please get checked whether na man or woman your hubby dey cheat with.
Lastly, we don’t know if he’s cheating yet. He may be watching porn to restrain his urges. My advice is to sit him down and have an honest discussion with him. Don’t flare up and raise the roof. Just be calm and remember that you love each other.
*p.s. no one should tell us he’s possessed by demons abeg*
im so suprised ure saying this. u might av a point but dt point isnt valid for nau. d issue is nt that a random man is gay, d issue is ha husband is suspected of being gay, which no woman will take lightly. so sweetheart pls dnt get dstracted n make d matters worse.# no offense meant#
Madam, her husband is not suspected of being gay o. He’s suspected of watching gay porn. Close but VERY different. He might just be inquisitive
Keji, thanks for your comment. Wish the other would wake up to the situation on ground and quit acting like they are in a movie. It is a common situation which can only be resolved between she and her husband. To save herself more drama, tell her to come clean to him…and depending on how she opens up to him will determine if he will also come clean to her. She needs not prolong issues at all. Kirk Franklin the gospel musician had a porn problem and the wife stood by him and helped him fight it. She too can help her husband. I dont really like the idea that she went to her pastor & his wife before her own husband….and look at the advice the pastor’s wife gave her. Well, to make a clean slate…tell him with love and accept any confession he might make with love. Cheers!
Bella naija! Bella Naija! Bella Naija! How many times did i call you people? This is the best section of the blog (and weddings of course), you people should not let this die. At the woman looking for help, i think you should confront him. You are his wife. Once i am married, my husband will lose his right to privacy as we shall and must become one. I hope this was understood before you tied the knot. Talking to him will help you understand what is going on. I cannot stress the effectiveness of communication. Playing dumb will only make it worse as you will exhibit frustration in so many other areas. It could be that he is gay, but unable to fully be who he is because Nigeria is very judgmental to gays. It could also be a case of curiosity and fascination. Finally, it could be a case of something that he has either tried before or is about to, and flirting with the idea. You need to tell him your findings, and have a heart to heart talk with him when he is at home. The earlier the better. So that you can check out fast, if the reality of his lifestyle will not favor you. I dont read that you have children, so act fast and be brave. God help you.
I second gorgeous comment. You have to talk to ur husband . There shuould be no secret in marriage. Your partner shuld be your shrink, the one u tell everything without holding back.
gorgeous YOU ARE A VERY INTELLIGENT PERSON!! U HAVE MADE ALL MANNERS OF SENSE AND POINT I HOPE SHE READS YOUR COMMENT and PUT UR ADVISE INTO ACTION… AS IN U SAID EVERYTHING…WELL SPOKEN..
You have to talk to him!
Amen to that!
Ol’boy!!!!!
against all odds you seem to be 2geda with yourself and thats good but what reason will you give him for suddenly using condom? you said you are friends right? then ask him as a friend and do not be confrontational you want an answer or he goes defensive and emotionally blackmails you,speak to him. May God be with you
Wow first and foremost you really do need to seek God and find direction. It was a good things that you was able to speak to your Pastor about this and get some Godly counsel. However you do really need to seek God.
But pls oh pls do not become complacent and pretend like nothing is or has happened. In a marriage especially communication is teh key. You will need to speak to him at some point whether you like it or not because you need answers. What is a marriage based on mistrust and lies.
There could be a logical explanation or something more sinister, however since you said that he had files that had these saved videos or images, i would be inclined to say that he was the one that was looking at them.
Homosexuality is a sin and it needs to be adressed as soon as possible. Sooner rather than later, and make sure to do the second HIV test, this is how some many people are getting this killer disease from loved ones because of secret lives!
I hope all goes well for you in Jesus name.
This is exactly why I hate DL men. They give good gay men, like myself, a bad name. The day he decides to put a ring on any woman’s finger and walk her down the isle should be the LAST DAY he has anything with another man! It happened to me before. My lover of almost 3 years, one day just got up and decided that it was time to marry and took one bush babe as his wife. After marriage, the bastard was still calling. I told him jejeli, DON’T PHONE ME!
IF your hubby is cheating, I hope you catch him dear.
Were you openly gay with this guys? If yes, how come the the chic didn’t know he was gay?
I pray for you honestly, may God save you from the life you are living!
i will advice you confront your husband to find out the truth. don’t assume anything coz you cannot be so sure. just tell him how you discovered those videos and watch him explain himself. in the meantime i.e. before he gets back, kneel down and pray to God to direct you on the right steps to take. i pray you be careful about how you react so you don’t ruin your marriage.
This is soooo horrible! U have to confront him and ask him or u can get a private detective to tail his movements and be 100% sure incase he tries to lie about it. God give u the strenght u need.
How sad. Even in those countries that accepting homosexuality is politically correct,millions of people do not accept it.
And sadder still because of the dilemma Mrs. is in. Not that I’m an expert or anything,but it seems you’d have to ask him one way or another. That’s the only way to know. Even if he isn’t gay,that kinda entertainment preference is warped. A lot of people have a problem with regular pornography. Now gay porn for a married man; that’s pushing it way to far. My point is,ask him. If he’s gay,too bad. Leave him or live with. If he’s truly not,he needs some serious shrink sessions. True friends don’t laugh at your predicament,they help you get over the pain. If certain people laugh at you,then they weren’t your friend to start with. Your heart might be broken but you will be good- eventually.
I wish you all the best and sorry I couldn’t offer better (or any?) advice.
Hi,
I am very sorry about what is happening with that woman, i will definetly wont to be in her shoes. i just want her to seek for God directions and may God revealed to her if her husband is gay.
This is a hard crack and will take diplomacy, courage, strenght and wisdom to tackle.
You r just seeing the other side of marriage. these things happens everyday! so do not dull ur self.
Take charge of the situation by finding a way to work this out cos u know him better than we do! Grace is yours.
Pray for the spirit of discernment to handle this situation. No1 who hasnt been in this exact situation can properly advise you, even one who has been in something similar. Tell God you are willing to be led by his voice and trust me the answer will come. If your husband is really as good as you say he is, then he needs your silent fervent prayers.
very good advice. i strongly agree.
Dearest BN is it possible that my comments get posted? just asking.
You need to talk with him and clear things up, you may just be assuming and even if you’re not, you’ll feel a whole lot better having let go of part of the burden. A problem shared is a problem half solved, The earlier the better. All the best..
Talk to your husband, that should have been the first move. Is he not your husband? that is what marriage is all about. you should be comfortable enough to talk to him about anything.
If she really is as open minded and liberal as she claims, she would know that the mere fact that her husband watches gay pornography does not mean that he is gay.
Lots of completely straight women watch and enjoy lesbian porn.
Lots of women who have absolutely no desire whatsoever to be raped watch rape porn and are turned on by it.
Lots of women who have no desire to be kidnapped and raped by alien creatures watch and enjoy tentacle porn.
Pornography is about fantasy and moving out of your comfort zone.
Just because her husband watches gay porn doesn’t mean he’s gay.
Thank you my sister, people really need to understand that their are tons of sexual fantasies,i’ve even heard of straight women who love gay porn,porn is simply what you make of it.
lol.. we know what you spend your time watching. Pls repent.
would you leave all other things of fun in life and go for the awkward ones?girl you show what you have practiced…..you will never be comfortable with a lesbian porn movie if you have never had passion for it…..So please try and say the truth and don’t make her feel like it’s her head that it’s been wrong with the thinking.
This right here is the best comment on here. The fact that he watches gay porn doesn’t mean he is gay. I like to watch lesbian porn, could i be in the closet?
yes my dear u r in the closet o!…lol if u watch gay, lesbian,alien etc porn it means u r toying with the idea. they r fantasies right? all u need is the go ahead to fulfill it simple!
You are very right…i am a happily married woman but i sometimes watch porn be they lesbian, gay, straight, etc. Infact my husband and i sometimes watch it together or separately. Nigerians should pls stop pretending to be holier-than-thou. Back to the lady, your husband might just be curious about gay porn, the best way forward is communication like everyone has urged, but pls dont act like the world is coming to an end, it isnt. Talk with him respectfully, try not to bring in drama by accusing him of being gay or not finding you attractive, try not to bring in religion if possible, instead find out what turns him on/his fantasies. All the best
No Honey,u just came flying out of the closet.Definately gay.
I totally agree with this line of thought because it is actually true. I know of a staright lady who likes to watch girl-on-girl action. She isnt bicurious or anything. It just sorts of “amuses” her. You need to speak with your husband and approach it very cautiously so that he will get a fair chance to tell you the truth if he is indeed gay. In any case, you just have to talk to him
It seems unimmaginable. Omo men things dey happen. The secret live of Mrs. IHTITC husband. Confront your man or die in silence, no two ways to it. You have to build the courage to do that.
i think you might be ahead of yourself here! what if he is watching it for the kicks he might not be gay now! that isnt enough evidence
so sad to hear this. Couple of things
1) Seek the face of God in times of trouble first before family. I’m glad you went to your pastor and that as a rational thinking man of God he did not automatically jump to conclusions and started preach hellfire and brimstone. Discussions with family can be good and bad. Because they love you a lot of things they say and do will be biased towards you but could potentially drive a wedge between you and your husband.
2) Looking at gay porn does not automatically mean your husband is gay or that he has done anything…yet. Let’s not jump to conclusions or stereotype your husband just based on what he’s watched. Even in college level psychology classes, they tell you there is often a healthy level of same sex attraction in heterosexual individuals. This attraction does not automatically define a person as homosexual
3) You do have to talk to your husband. Keeping this inside will impact the way you interact with him. However you also do not want to come from place of anger so much so that you charge at him with accusations. That would be defeating the purpose. If he is truly gay, he needs to feel that he can confide in you or come out to you. Unfortunately our society does not allow for men to be vulnerable and open with their fears to their community. At the very least he should be able to open up to his wife without fear of recrimination at home. However also be prepared for him to be defensive and angry with you for asking him such questions regardless of whether he is gay or not. This is not the movies. He will not all of a sudden confess because he is in love with you. As humans our first instinct is to protect ourselves from others as such he will do that with you.
4) Last thing to consider is sexuality is not an indication of who someone can fall in love with. Even if he has homosexual desires, it appears he has chosen to forgo those and be committed to you. I would say that and whether he is a faithful husband are seriously things to consider as you evaluate whether this is a situation you can live with for the rest of your life.
WOW… Detailed analytically answer….. I agree sha… but not with the healthy attraction with the same sex… dont think its healthy….
talking to him is the best solution. be a good listener and if u find out that he is a gay, or just like all these sex movies, help him to overcome it and once in awhile,visit him in where he stays.
I’ll start by saying well done you for having the courage to speak out and not die in silence,it’s a very sad story and am not going to go down this religious route of endless prayers,fact is that there are many gay men all over the world not just in Africa that have married so they can fit into society well,family pressure or because of career,i’ve even heard stories where the men don’t touch their wives for years but this poor women especially in africa have to remain silent to save their marriage,some other men even go on having unprotected gay sex as well as sleeping with thier wives and putting them at risk . My advice is talk to your husband in the nicest possible way, make him feel safe enough to confide and trust in you to tell you the truth because if you address the issue with anger it could lead to more denial, maybe just maybe there is a valid explanation for what you found on his computer, i hope it all goes well for you.
my dear just as ur pastor has advised like a true man of god, take time to seek God’s guidance on how to approach ur husband, most importantly, dont eva consider the tot of sharing this wif any girlfriend of urs. no man can give u answers u need more than God Himself
There are so many questions going through my head right now two of which include:
- Could someone else have been using his laptop?
- Is he just engaging in homosexual e-voyeurism or does he actually practice it?
This is a tough one and there is no point trying to make it sound simple. But as Yoruba people will say, ‘saying that a matter is unheard of is just a way of scaring the person who goes through an issue’. Prayer is the Master Key. I cannot over-emphasize this. Keep praying dear. As your Pastors have mentioned, fast and pray and I trust that God will deliver you. Pray for your husband that the spirit of homosexuality departs from him. Pray for him not just because of the love you have for your marriage and how you would not want such shame to come on you but also because of the love you have for him as a person and how you do not want him to be lost in that activity any longer.
God encourages us in Psalm 50:15 to call upon Him in the day of trouble and He will deliver us. This is your time of need, God will surely answer. Nothing is too difficult for Him and no temptation will come your way that you have been not been pre-equipped with the grace and strength to handle AND overcome. It is well with you.
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This is also a little lesson to all unmarried people, like the lady mentioned, they had a relatively good length of courtship during and after which she had no idea what her husband’s problems were/are. This highlights the fact that there are some vices in people that might not be visible to the human eye. Those which even 5 years of dating will not reveal. These unveils a need to constantly pray to God about our partners-the revealer of all truth. Not to say the lady here did not pray but I just felt to mention again.
It shall be well.
http://temiville.wordpress.com/
you’ve said it all,God bless u
I agree she should pray and God will hear her out and also give wisdom…
http://lifeinstagesdoz.blogspot.com
Mrs. IHTITC—
I commend your courage in writing this piece, and approaching your pastor for help. This is God’s way of revealing the truth about your husband to you. If you had not noticed anything questionable before then, this is God screaming at you to open your eyes. I am glad you came across what you came across. It happened for a reason. Act on it and do not make assumptions that someone used his computer. People NEVER watch porn on other people’s computers. Rather we are careful which websites we visit. Erase that notion that somebody else is the culprit. It is your husband. Full-stop. Now you know what he goes on in his mind. And if you smell the coffee wafting your way this strong, you must confront it. Sit him down, look him straight in the eyes and tell about what you saw. Don’t beat around the bush. Don’t ask him questions like are you not satisfied with me? Is the sex not good enough? No. Say it directly and matter-of -factly…you have been watching gay pornography for some time and I came across multiple files on your computer. I want to know how many men you have slept with. You evidently watch man-on-man sex even during your work hours. How long has this been going on?
How you handle it and the result will determine the future of your marriage. Trying to be nice or civil will not help. I am ending a long-term relationship because I shoved things which should have been confronted earlier on under the carpet. It never works. Communication is very necessary and in your case, direct undiluted truth is the only way. Many gay men have issues stemming from sexual abuse and other childhood complications. The reasons are many and multifaceted. A lot of Nigerian men will not be willing to walk that road back to the root of their desire for other men. And no, God did not create men that way. God never owned up to that in the bible. There is a lot your husband needs to tell you about regarding how he came to view men in a sexual way….and I hope you are ready to hear it. Pray over it as you are doing. Remember that conflict comes with intimacy and your case is just a manifestation. It is through conflict that we strengthen our relationships. I will bet your husband is almost the model husband. Yes, they almost always have something to hide. You said you know your husband and he knows you too….my dear, you do not know him at all….now is time to really get to know him. If his actions can make you vomit then there is whole side to him, a whole other person you do not know. I wish you all the best and I will say a prayer for you.
Take Care,
BC
GOOD ADVICE.. I concur…
I do not agree with you asking him how many men you have slept with as fact might not necessarily be truth, he could be curious about gay sex, he might toy with the idea of doing it and he might also be trying to suppress it but the urge is strong… prayer is definitely the key and no matter how liberal you are an African man would always take offence if he feels he is being antagonised. my advice to you is pray and fast for courage to confront him, and on the day of confrontation make him feel comfortable, feed him gist with him crate a loving atmosphere and call him by his first name and ask DO NOT IMPLY, ask about the gay porn you saw stored in his computer and listen just as your pastor listened. God give you strength
I agree totally with Nkechi. May God grant you wisdom to handle the situation. It is well with you.
Nawa o but seriously you saw something thats bothering you on YOUR HUSBAND’s computer and u didnt confront him about it imeediately and you are allowing it eat u up.i respect siritual leaders but i still think you should have talked to him about it before taking the case outside ur marriage.
You have to listen to your pastor and not CONFRONT him yet (or ever). You need to be very prayerful and let God do his work from inside out. It is funny someone like Donnie Mclurkin was a gay man that God delivered. You serve a God that have the ability to deliver from inside out.
Pray, fast and seriously indulge in the habit of giving alms. Tell your husband you are sensing something in your spirit that you want him to join you in fasting. You dont have to be specific, just say you dont know what it is, but your spirit is not settled, both of you need to engage in fasting.
1. Read the book of Esther, how she faced a king that could have killed her but God showed her favor (because she was praying and fasting before facing him)
2. Call your mother and people you trust to fast with you, give them the same excuse you gave your husband.
3. Isaiah 58 is a good book to read on fasting.
4. Pick up christian books that addresses christian and gay lifestyle to equip yourself on how other people are dealing with such.
There is no amount of confrontation that will make him change. Change have to come from the inside.
God bless and i will put you in my prayers
This is really funny. She should lie to her husband and then ask him to join her in prayers? Oh yes, God is really going to honour that.
For all those saying she shouldn’t raise it with him… why not? She has specified how good their relationship is, she is obviously a Christian, why can she not have an honest discussion with her husband? Are you guys for real?
Talk to your husband, not accuse, not confront, not break down either. Tell or show him what you saw. Ask him what it is about. Reassure him that if there is a problem you want to stand by him whilst he deals with it and keep up with the prayers. Still not heard of anything God can’t do.
Thank you Evilicious and the others who have given sensible advice.
I do agree with u.
Your assumption can either be right or wrong. There is a married colleague(with 3 kids) of mine that is gay who tries to toast another colleague(married) who is not a gay. he claims his wife does not know that he is a gay and that he got involved in it even before he got married and dat does not mean he doesnt love his wife.. My other colleague who is not gay confided in me and said he has been searching diff site to really understand what is so fascinating about having fun with men. His wofe might on day also get to check his laptop and get to see the site her husband has been visiting.
In essence ,what am saying is dat he is either a gay,a just curious fellow, or just enjoy watching it .
Either of the 3(three), i feel he needs prayers. u need to discuss this with him in a loving way because dis i believe is an addict for him to have it on his lappy. Dont forget to pray for God’s guidance before ur discussion with him.. its not easy getting out of such game but it is possible with the help of God..
@sugar belly i concur, watchn gay, lesbian porn does not mean ur bi or watevers, it might just be fascination..
OMG!!! HMMMMMMMMMMMMMM I JUST WANT TO HUG YOU CUZ THIS IS TOUGH. I WOULD FIND THE COURAGE TO WALK OUT CUZ YOUR GUTT INSTINCTS TELL YOU ITS DODGY. SOMETHING DEEPER COULD ONLY COME OUT IN THE FUTURE. I MEAN HOW LONG ARE OU GOING TO USE A CONDOM FOR REALISTICALLY? ITS NOT EASY BUT THAT IM NOT SURE I CNA TAKE.
Hmm!!!
Did you catch your husband with a man? No
Did any of the video’s contain his sexual activity with a man? No
Do some straight men watch gay porn? Yes
Should you have discussed with Oga before running to pastor and his wife? Yes
Should you pray about this? Yes
Please darling, I think you’re being paranoid. from what you’ve said, you have a good relationship with your husband. Don’t ruin it by unfounded suspicion and allegations. please speak to him if it bothers you this much.
First of all pls do not assume anything and keep an open mind. Fact: you found gay porn on his laptop, is the laptop password protected? If so then most likely he downloaded those videos. The ques is why?
It is definitely strange for a married man with a healthy sex life to be viewing gay porn! My take is perhaps he has gay tendencies that have been suppressed/repressed for years and may be struggling with it. However, bear in mind that this does not mean he is gay or has ever given in to such.
We sometimes have certain fantasies, but there surely is an underlying basis for these fantasies, whether spiritual or physical. Unfortunately, although, some may beg to differ, sexual matters are more spiritual than people realize.
Your pastor has given good advice. However, God has given you the capacity to make decisions and choices. I think the fact that you stumbled on it the way you did is revelation enough for you. So when he returns, simply tell him exactly what happened and listen to what he has to say.
Then take it from there. We are not in your shoes so only you can truly know how to proceed with the information you get out of him. This is when you need grace and wisdom, may God grant you the help you’ll need.
My dear, I feel for you. People think a woman catching her husband with another woman is the worst thing that could happen. No, it’s catching him with another man!
Here’s my 2 cents…
Watching gay porn and actually being gay are two completely different things. For most people, it may be what rocks their boat. It maybe he doesn’t want to watch straight porn and think about another woman. It maybe he fantasizes about gay sex. It maybe that he absolutely does not want to engage in gay sex, but likes it, it could be that he’s bi-curious…I don’t know.
I think the first thing you need to do is find out if he has an active gay life. If he does, leave him ASAP, because if you don’t, you’ll only have yourself to blame later. If he doesn’t and it’s just the porn he watches, do something about that ASAP, because if you don’t, it’ll only be a matter of time before he starts acting it out.
Be strong.
Fascination my Foot!!! the woman is married and the man is watching man-on-man porn. Prayers prayers. Yes prayers are necessary but if God did not want her finding out, he would not have led her to it. Church folk and over religiosity. She should handle it slowly eh….until he starts acting on his impulses and brings her a disease or worse yet death. I am not saying she should be aggressive but assertive. What if the man gives in to his desires and abandons the marriage along the road for another man? Will her going slow have been worth it then? Watching gay porn when you are married in a heterosexual relationships IS NOT “JUST.”
That it is more common practice now among some married couples does not make it right. It will eventually destroy their spiritual and emotional connection. You don’t indulge in some things and assume all will be well. It wont! The man’s actions is waving a BIG RED FLAG. Mrs. IHTIHC act fast! Maybe God may have someone else for you. Who knows? Act on what you have seen!
i watch gay and lesbian pornography a lot,i watch it out of curiosity.i guess if u check my laptop now,u’ll label me a lesbian and heaven knows they disgust me.my dear take it easy.what if this is just the devils plot to ruin ur blissful marriage.think my dear!
I think u should pray really well. It’s very possible that he’s not the one watching it. That u need God’s direction.
I would also like to add that we should not forget people having different sexual fantasies just because someone watches gay porn doesn’t make him gay,he could be bisexual or straight but she won’t know until she talks to him about it, she also has to prepare herself emotionally for the outcome, if he turns out to be bisexual can she live with that?again i hope it all goes well for this woman
Yea watching gay porn may not mean he his gay, but he is opening the door for the devil to come in. Very soon those thoughts will be turned into desires, and he will want to start practising what he watches. Whatever u feed that is what will grow, if u feed ur spirit it will grow, if u keep feeding ur flesh that will grow too. It’s better to keep away from any form of pornography don’t be deceived by the enemy. With that said, keep praying and then talk to your husband assure him that u love him no matter what and u r ready to walk with him thru this addiction. And let God guide u guys. Dnt involve family members or friends except he wants to leave the relationship. For now this is between you, God and your husband.
its quite unfortunate. speak to him. find out the truth first before bottling up anger. i know it is not easy but try. your marriage is very important.
sorry for what u are going thru, but, u are amusing a whole lot. why not talk to him first. if he denies it, then keep praying and ask God to show u the light. for all u know, u may have nothing to worry about. the lord is your strength.
Dear worried woman, I am so sorry. This is a bad case and I have a fear that it is becoming so common. Sigh! The worrying thing is that even if you ask your husband, he will NEVER tell you the truth! how! the only way you can ever find out the truth is if you catch him in the act. Confronting him has an advantage as in he will know you might be on to him and if indeed he is doing anything, he will slow down – but never stop – believe me, cravings such as that never go away! this is not some warped fantasy, people that watch gay porn are out in the open or closet homosexuals! Best of luck darling, you are in a tough spot.
Put yourself in this woman’s shoes people!! If your husband, an alpha male with a healthy heterosexual-oriented sex drive, who has shown no signs of homosexual attraction comes home with a laptop full of gay smut and (I’m assuming here) no hetero porn in sight, what else is she supposed to think?? Why wouldn’t she worry?? If your husband was gay will you hug him and smile like everything is fine? Forget all the curiousity and fascination with gay porn yarns, man. This seems like something he is definitely into. I’m just sad that this woman’s in this mess. At least she doesn’t have kids, small mercies. If you must be gay be gay. Don’t deceive anyone. No one should even say he is bisexual because that is the highest jonzing level I have ever seen. Bisexual people are just greedy gay people
You are right in your saying but she can’t conclude he is gay without giving him the opportunity to explain himself. Especially when he is doing everything right as a husband to her. Her Pastors advice is very important. Seek God in prayer and fasting, then she can aprroach her husband. I pray nothing like that is going on in his life. Also, do remember that there are a million and one reason why those videos might be on his laptop!
Imagine the type of side eye the pastor will be giving the man on Sunday service though…lwkmd!
That’s true Keji…in my opinion,she should have had a talk with her husband(first) before rushing off to expose him to the pastor…if i had a weird fetish sexually and my partner finds out…i would want to asked directly and would be shocked to find out that my pastor is ‘already’ aware.Like a lot of people have said…the guy is probably (most likely in my opinion) NOT gay.My fear for our madam now is that she seems to have reached a conclusion already…so even when she has the talk with her husband there’s a very high probability that she WON’T BELIEVE whatever he tells her…that is going to be the main issue.
My own two kobo is this: Pray like nothing else, just like your pastor said, fast and pray. Then when he comes home and you’ve calmed down and fed yourself on the Word of God, go to him in a calm tone and bring up the topic. You also have to prepare yourself for whatever he says, don’t go into the discussion without having prepared yourself for what comes next. You don’t need any more surprises.
First of all, you need patience…lots of it. I understand that it’ll be hard to be objective in such matters, but your marriage and your future depend on it. I think you have to put yourself in his shoes…have you ever watched porn?
If you have, then you’ll understand the power of human curiosity. Next, you’ll find that some men like anal sex, and no it doesn’t mean they’re gay…people have preferences and they can be very kinky; let’s not be closed-minded.
Sometimes you just wanna know stuff; and while this may not be his case, you have to try to put yourself in his shoes and/or understand that the truth is sometimes weirder than fiction.
Personally, I think you’re gonna have to discuss with him–yeah he might be upset that you think he’d do that to you, but from your descriptions of him, he sounds like a great guy. Why bottle it up when you can talk to God and
your best friend? I think he’d respect you more for being upfront and coming to him sooner rather than later when it’s festered in you and you’ve freaked yourself out.
I could be wrong…but in the end, good communication usually works. All the best dear.
Don’t walk out…
Porn on the internet hardly places restrictions between genres
Lesbians,men with men..whatever
He is bored and sexually frustrated at work..
Ask him calmly and be understanding
Most likely he is just having some stimulation and is not gay..
Firstly, watching gay porn doesnt mean he is gay. While the advice your pastor’s wife gave is sound (getting tested etc), I guarantee you that having sex with him is not gonna cure his obsession with gay porn. You need to talk to him and understand what he wants. He might not even be interested in having sex with a man, he could just be interested in anal sex. I am not saying any of this is “clean”, either way is quite complicated, but you went get far by sleeping with him 10 times a day. Talk to your husband. Afterall he is your husband. Dont attack him, just talk to him. Obviously there is a broken trust there – he is gonna think you are snooping around on his PC, regardless of the reason why you initially went there, and he is probably not gonna come clean on the source of the porn either, but there is no going forward until you get to the root of this problem.
Thanks Koo that’s a very good comment! One thing we are forgetting is that men cheat with porn always. Would u have been happier if it was a straight porn? As sad as it might seem my dear dont jump into any conclusion yet. A lot of straight people watch gay pron and vice vasa. Yes there might be some questions about his sexuality but sexual fantasies are not always lived by a lot of people> Yes pray about it but at the same time communicate and be psychologically ready for what the outcome might be. I hope you get the best result with your husband. Take care
No not a lot of straight men watch gay porn! if your interest is skewed towards a particular type of porn then there are questions to be asked. Why doesnt he have files of lesbian porn? at least i know that a lot of men fantasize about that!
he is not what she thinks she is
i dont normally comment.. buh hey sister i think jes keeping it inside u is eating u up… wot happened 2 communicating first wiv ur husband b4 going 2 see ur pastor? buh dat being said, i’d rather u take d matter 2 God urself nd den find the strength nd patience 2 confront ur husband.. dis rily is not factual cos u havent confirmed yet.. b4 then i say find solace in God.
This is a tough spot to be in. How can u go from having sex freely to using condoms? I say ask, talk to him he is ur husband.
I cannot begin to imagine what you’re going through. I would advice that you heed your pastors counsel. Pray and seek God’s guidance in the approach. Firstly, this is a serious and grieveous allegation and you wouldn’t want to approach it in a wrong manner. There are many reasons why those videos could be on his laptop. You said yourself you had no reason to doubt him until you saw the videos, meaning he was a good husband. From what you wrote about him, I feel after much prayer, you will have to approach him in calm manner and tell him what you saw on his laptop. Give him the opportunity to vindicate himself as there could be a million and one reason why the videos were on his laptop. Your marriage is very important and it has to be handle with the utmost care. Assumption can be a great killer and keeping it inside of you can damage you emotionally. Please handle with Godly care. Talking from a guy’s perspective.
HoLy Jesus, Christ, i cannot begin to contemplate the complexities of thi situation. I pray Lord that this is not my portion oh. Wow, my view on the matter… Pheew, i am still lost for words. That is a hard pill to swallow for any wife. Worst case scenario he is gay, what then? Being gay is simply what it is, pretending otherwise would just be ludicrous. However one cannot make such a drastic statement with simply watching gay porn. Usually an indication of a switch in sexuality is seen in the sex life being drab, indicating that he is recieving what he needs from someone else. Also he may even just rely only on the fantasies he conjures up by just watching porn and still do not have time for his wife at all. My dear, i wud not run to any conclusions jsut yet, and your pastor is right, pray as some things can only be revealed from fasting and prayer. Dont condemn unless u know all the facts and certainly dont end a good thing on just speculation.
I agree with aosgrl’s comment… U can’t prove he is gay watching doesn’t mean he is…. Advise is pray bout it like ur pastor said and find a way 2 talk 2 him about it not in a confrontational way please , eg watch a movie with gay acts together & study his reaction during the period and gist about it since u say u re friends, hear his opinion… Confronting him only means u don’t trust him…. I know ds not easy bt u ve 2 take it easy good luck
im not sure what everyone will say…however right now are you serious…..Homosexuality has NO PLACE in society at all. it breeds on young people who have yet to develop mature and become the strong indendent minds that GOD intended it to be…how dare anyone say that to be gay is ok we need to be liberal thinkers..really is that what you would say to a man who is 36 yrs dating your 15 yr old son, abeg..we are the shapers of this world..we already have a strong foundation in place and we are destroying what our elders, and past lives have already set in place. homosexuality in other areas around the world they are accepted and the practice is wide spread…but believe me when i say..i do not support, i speak out, and more importantly morally i teach my child that it is wrong…there are many heartaches that happen when a man turns to another man for sex or comfort., in other words you are saying that God is a LIAR. the Creator never knew what HE was doing when He created YOU. are you sure you would want to stand in judgement and say GOD you were wrong? this topic is not just about him being gay its also about the union of a man and a woman and what that represents..and that commitment goes back long time., so to even discuss this DISGUST…this betrayal, this evil mindset., we must all turn to GOD and look for guidance, we know the right way, we must learn to follow through
and for those who feel like being gay is my choice., ? how did you get this way? for example if a man did something to you..and when you lets say told a parent, uncle, mother, who i don’t know, what did you say? were you scared? did they hurt you? did it make you feel less than?
or was this the image/action that led you to love…remeber the questions i have mentioned previous. because if that is true and you liked it then this unfortunately leads into another topic that has yet to be written…
but if did not and you were confused and you decided to continue because you did not know any better i would say there is hope…but for those who KNEW and told and now call it love…think about what i just said you knew and now you call it love
homsexuality is the end of mankind
:/ homosexuals hav rites to btw i wish i culd make u undrstand how they feel and wot they go through. being homosexual isint a chose its just how they r if u dont like thm fine just dont rite stuff like tht about thm their humans with feelings
Oh shut up and stup with the religious babel. Thisis 2011. Homosexuality is an innate thing. Her husband is clearly bisexual and therefore goes both ways. Most gay men can not have sex with women AT ALL, they are wired that way. Also shut up and stop babeling. Other societies have accepted it, including backward societies (aka similar to nigeria) have accepted it too I.E india. Instead of spewing rubbish, read your bible and do what the bible says, show unconditional love and leave judgement to God. If it so bad and you are so against sin, why don’t you ask the government to put a ban sex before marriage in heterosexual relationships or are you engaging in it. You are just a big hypocrite. Other nations that have accepted it, are way more advanced than nigeria can ever be, they are like a good 200 years ahead of us.
This woman is sensible and handling the situation the best way she can. I think it is important that she speaks to her husband and get him tested. This is what happens when we pretend that something going on the society isn’t really there. If people were not so homophobic, men wouldn’t be pressured to marry women and cheat on them with other men (just other women the same goes for lesbians). As a father i would be worried if a 36 year old man had sex with my 16 yr old son, but i would be just as a angry if he had sex with my 16 year old daughter. If a man decides to have consenting sex with another man of the right and legal age above 18 that is no ones business, it is neither your ass nor dick they are using. MIND YOUR BUSINESS. It is a relationship between Jesus and them, not u, jesus and them.
Africans and nigerians spend so much time focusing on completely irrelevant issues, especially along the lines of religion. ITS 2011 AND YOU STILL DONT HAVE 24 HOURS LIGHT. Libya is at war and they have more light than none war torn nigeria. That should be your concern. Was the creator a liar when he said men should not tell lies and steal. But the country you live in is based on this from the very core. And unlike gay sex, the issue of lies and stealing affects both you and your 16 year old sun. Lets learn to focus on the issues at hand and not go on religious tirades.
If people would stop trying to make gay people into something they are not, this entire situation could have been avoided altogether, saving BOTH of you a lot of pain.
This is the bed that HETEROSEXUALS have created. Trying to force gay people to live as straight people, when that is just not possible.
Stop blaming gay people and deal with the mess you as heterosexuals have created.
what mess have heterosexual people craeted?!!! Homosexuality is perversion pure and simple. It is against nature no matter what anyone want to say!!! Why then do they end us have medical problems from anal sex if it’s normal?!!! please answer, as i doctor I know that for a fact. the Bible condemns it in clear terms and a whole city was destryed as a result.
thts a harsh comment bisexuals homosxuals or hetros they cant control their feelings u cant blame thm sheesh wuld u lyk it if people wer against u becos u wer different wuld u hav to put yhur self in otha peeoples shoes and c how they feel frm their pov KMT
So sorry darl, its not about catching her husband wit a man now. Its just a tad above abnormality for a straight man to view gay porn. Mayb once or twice out of curiosity but all those files. oh my!!!! Personally, I think you should talk to him gently, he might not b fully gay especially since both of you av a nice sexual relationship. Leaving is jumping. Just ask gently. U can even suggest a threesome wit another man and c his reaction. Communication is key. He’ll no doubt deny any allegation of such so dnt accuse ask as a woman knows how. U’ll b fine hun.
Look at those calling the name of God here, as if they don’t have huge smelling skeletons in their own cupboard more than your husband sef. Those calling homosexuality sin, if it is, sin is sin, all sins are equal my friend. And if God did not owning up to creating sexualities, then he is not almighty creator, cause the last time I checked, he made everyone in his own image, which is diversity. God says we should not judge eh!!!!!
Sister back to your matter, you sef, na wetin? I would have never sought a third party opinion in my marriage, it ruins everything, pastor or no pastor. If you guys are friends for sure, the moment he walks in and the hugs and kisses, I will sit him down to a good meal with music and candles and never change the beautiful atmosphere in the place. Baring in mind how it would hurt you if he comes out to you, which I doubt. A life without adventure is not a fulfilling one. God has made us more curious than any other animal, that is why we are superior over others. People experiment without using proper tools, in other words, he might have been exploring and not really doing it. I bet you will be fine, knowing it is just the watching and not the doing. My husband watches all kind of porn including transgendered ( shemale), I don’t bloody care. As long as it’s all fantasy and we are happy together and no cheating, shikena! nothing to worry about. You said something about not having children yet, let me give you a secret. DL men love to have kids, so that no one will suspect them, and if he is not into kids now, my friend your man is clean as clinton. The pastor ‘s wife who is advising the use of lingerie and condom, is she using it for her husband? Remember the pastor you are confiding in, could be playing worse games than your husband. So ask for the wisdom to face your own issues than seeking third party advice.
Here is a short similar story, with an unusual ending.
A friend of mine, has seen a lot of gay porn and pictures in her house to conclude her husband was gay. So she tells a friend and she advices her to confront him, break dishes, raise the roof and set the house on fire. Well, that approach earned her some beatings, for the first time in her marriage. She runs to her family, they said prayer is the key, and finally she went to pastor, and he used it for the next Sunday sermon. When she finally started missing the touching and calmed down, guess who she caught having sex in the guest room? Her father and her husband’s best friend! What would you do?
They say men are more than the women on earth, was that really planned? Think about it all.
This is ITK signing out.
Whether all sin is sin is irrelevant, the point remains that it is a perversive sin. We all sin etc, but forgiveness lies from the fact that the sinner even recognizes in the first place that what he or she is doing is wrong and so can seek God’s face for forgiveness. Not here to preach but………very passionate about this topic! The devil has managed to convince people that it is right and they were made that way blah, blah! Why is beastiality(having sex with animals) a crime, afterall those people who indulge in it can say they were made that way. There are countless valid arguements against it.
I dont know whether you intended to be sarcastic when you said “your man is as clean as clinton” but I gotta say, not the best reference if you were trying to reassure her.
Back to what your spiel about all sin being the same and God having many sexualities? Really? Approve one sine because we’ve all sinned and God has the sexuality of gay people? That sounds very messed up. And if you get robbed, you’ll think to yourself, “he’s created in the image of God and God is a thief”, abi? Re-think and re-assess cos you make no sense.
@Titi, thank you! Didnt read you post before I posted mine but cosign!!
@ITK, if God forbid, a sexual predetor comes within 100miles of your child, you’ll think to yourself “God has the nature of a Pederast”?? As I said, re-think and re-assess. God help & forgive us ‘cos the devil has been sowing all kinds of seeds in the name of “rights”.
Please don’t let the devil deceive you all. Pornography, kinkiness, “adventure” and so on are just euphesims for PERVERSION. Watch what you want to watch, be it gay, lesbian, rape, tentacles (!!!) porn. Do what you want to do, be it plastic, up your anus, a fellow guy/girl, 3 men etc. We will all be judged by God at the end of days. The simple truth is these things are NOT NORMAL and the fact it is widespread and generally accepted DOES NOT MAKE IT RIGHT.
Well…I advice you to pray as Temi has said! Please don’t go about this the “secular” way. Ask for God’s direction and please speak up assertively. May the Holy Spirit give you direction at this point where you need it most.((((((HUGS)))))
My dear i will advice you stick to your pastors advice, cos u said he has being nice to you since you both met. This is that worse time in marriage, u have to work it out with him. Be persistent in prayers and ask for GODs grace to hold on. God bless you.
wow…
buh yh to the main thing: u have to confront the situation CAREFULLY.
it could get very complicated when u ask him about it especially cos of the way u found out. if he had been there when u were using his laptop that would be different. i know u r married and all buh he might get defensive as to why u used the laptop “(just cos of the allegations, of which he might not if u r just browsing thru and maybe if u didnt see anything)”…..so before u dive into the situation Pls pray to God for WISDOM.. cos everything can just be lost with the way u talk/put the situation.
Talk very gently, like u r reasoning with him. it might have been a random search or sumone using his pc or better still sumthing that came up knowing that u guys r away from each other often. BUT do not make an excuse for him. just treat the matter with wisdom and understanding. Good communication is the key.
Also Remember a good wife builds her home, speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue….Pray to God very well! and apply.
hopefully things turn out differently..goodluck
I feel really bad because I can relate with what you are going through. However, I think that your pastor has advised you wrongly. You must confront your husband with what you know and get an explanation as your silence could destroy your marriage! Hear what he has to say about the gay porn and then both of you should seek counselling. Of course if he is gay then there really is no point in the marriage, if he is not then you two must pray against the spirit of pornography in your home.
Wow this is a scary situation but with the power of God you will be able to pull through this. As it is you had the opportunity to speak with your pastor and his wife and they have advised you accordingly.
However, you have to confront him because he will notice any change in your attitude towards him. Whatever the case maybe you have to determine why these video’s are on his computer.
Also, the human mind works different, maybe he really doesn’t have too much to hide; because most men will never leave such files accessible to anyone or will have two laptops one for his fantasy and the other for whoever needs to use it and won’t find such.
Then again he might think u won’t find these files since your not the type to snoop around.
My dear you pray and ask God and the holy spirit to guide your thoughts and words as you ask these questions.
The sooner you know the better so that you can get rid off the heavy weight on body….just approach him wisely and calmly ..Good luck
I agree with all the posters that said you should talk to him. IMO I think you are jumping to conclusions. I am a lady and I have watched gay porn (both men & women) just because I was curious. This doesn’t mean I’m gay. I would have a discussion to get to the root of it.
y dont u just pretend u v developed some interest in lesbianism. discuss it with him and at the same time condemn gay relationships between men while u make him undastand its ok for women to engage in lesbaianism.
watch his reaction but while doin it , u have to b veri tactful
Look yeah all u homophobics r hypocrits u say being gay is against God’s wish ik it is fair enough but u know wot else is against God.. judging people and treating thm unequalyso dont say”homosexuality is against society and God” and blah blah they r people too sheesh i bet u wuld be in a room full of gays and lesbians and u wuldnt hav any idea so wots the difference if u knew? u like to make a big deal out of nothing :/ KMT
THIS IS HARDD!!!!!.
I;ve never been this speechless on BN. I don’t even know what to think or say to you, but I have this advice: TALK TO YOUR HUSBAND. One thing I’ve learned in life is that suspicion, not evidence, destroys TRUST. There is a 50% chance that he is NOT gay and another 50% that he is. You don;t have anything to lose here….once you confirm and he isn’t…..(heaves a sign of relief) Thank God; but if he IS…then stay PRAY UP…TOGETHER.
There’s always a solution. All the best love…and here’s a HUG!
Lol some of this comments are beyond me, all the prayers, God, Jesus, Devil,i always ask myself with all d churches in every corner in Nigeria,how come its still one of the most corrupt nations on earth?If God has a role to play in this matter then he has done that by leading her to the computer, i know alot of people would prefer if she could keep it secret to save society and her marriage but until people can start to speak honestly about things Nigeria will NEVER change,whether u pray 1000 times a day, call Jesus, God, devil, whatever some people are inately gay,lesbian or bisexual, because the person surpress it for a while doesn’t mean it won’t come back at some point. God is a God of love, he loves all whatever your sexuality i know people would prefer a God that judges,kills, strikes because that is how we use religion to spread our own message of HATE. To this poor woman if indeed your husband is gay or bisexual as long as you love him you both will work through it together.
First thing first… stop being intimate with for now…. u never know what he gets up to when u re not there. it is one of the hardest secrets to deal with. dont talk to ur Pastors anymore- as u re more than likely to be the next subject during the service, that puts u in a very bad spot. as being gay, your sex life doesnt mean anything thing, i know people who are gay, married , with Children and are Nigerians.. and they are equally the least people you would ever think it too. My dear, he might be the greatest Husband, but he isnt made for you, forget STD, HIV.. he has to choose being with u or a man!!! get out as soon as you can. and all these that he is only “curious” my dear he will try it easily, if you ask him he his going to cover his tracks and u wont know any further. stay clam till you catch him RED HANDED!!! i have said my own
Sorry to rain on you guys parade but the fact is that if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and sounds like a duck, it is very likely that it IS a duck. This is not some man with a wide variety of porn ( gay, lesbian, straight, watever), this is a man with ONLY gay porn. It looks as though the gay is either gay, has been molested by a gay person before, has done some gay experimenting before or has really strong gay fantasies. OR he might just be researching for a book he wants to write on gay people, lol.
She should talk to him sha, and most importantly pray because its really likely that he will deny it and might even get angry with her for prying. I pray God gives her wisdom and direction in Jesus name.
Hmm this is a tough one, well my advice is to pray for wisdom, courage and diplomacy to confront him. Confront him in a very relaxed environment and try to be calm as well so that you can get answers. Please do not condemn him rather condemn the act cos peradventure he has such tendencies or not, he needs your support. Give him the benefit of the doubt for now, cos he may have visited those sites out of curiosity cos really I’m sure he would have cleared his tracks if guilty. Communication is what you need right now. All the best!!
I think that she should listen to the advice that her pastors gave her…ask God for the grace to be still and everything will work out *hug*
Dear Mrs,
Alot of people have given advice and suggested what u can do or possibly do..(I am not going to suggest any way of speaking to the dude).
The thing about finding out something unusual is that, one might not want to confront it becos one is afraid of the answers one will get. Which is so understandable. I sympathize with u at the same time I believe this situation will work out for your good because u love God.
FACT: I cannot imagine what you feel like right now, but I would say God has ur back and he has ur back 110% even more, u might need time alone to think and act wisely. But please never doubt that GOD doesnt have ur back… U MUST BELIEVE….
I will not suggest anything I will not do myself but I pray everything will work out well no matter the circumstances. U have prayed and fasted, y dont u trust God to believe he will sort u out (TRUST ME HE WILL, PEOPLE CAN SAY THIS AND THAT BUT GOD WILL SORT U OUT). His ways our not our ways hence, the way we think is not how God thinks.. But his spirit will lead u right and help u through…
I know that God can touch his heart that he will willingly come and confess anything that u need to know.
Boi, this is a scary thot though, as in men… who is now STRAIGHT NOW… U marry someone with love and they betray with all sorts.. (By the way am not referring to this post). Just makes me think about life in general. God will never stop helping us.
I do hope BN will let us know what happens next. God will never stop teaching us.
Okay… My Nigerian sense is telling me to say “Pray pray pray” but my common sense is telling me….talk to your husband….DO NOT CONFRONT HIM pls, confrontation calls for instant defensiveness. Talk, ask him questions, be unassuming, just tell him you saw something on his computer that has been bothersome to you. Good luck hen, God is your strength.
WOW! i dont care if he is straight or not he has no business watching gay pornography and trust me HE IS DOWN LOW! LETS CALL A SPADE A SPADE. A guy cant be watching gay porn and even has a file for it and not be GAY! females body is so different from a male body females can watch porn just for fascination but guys are so doing it. My dear there is no perfect marriage or relationship i guess Mr Perfect isnt that perfect afterall. My opinion is to follow your pastors advise Pray and fast about it and seek Gods face. and also try to talk to your husband in parable like telling him something similar is happing to someone you heard of and act like you are so lucky hes a different person. Give your opinion that you are not trying to judge the fellow but he needs to RENEW his mind in GOD. even an addict can be cured. He needs to stop watching stuffs like that or getting in a situation that could bring him to that. Stress the importance of prayer and God in a marriage. I hope all goes well dear. my prayers are with you.
@Banke, men can act on any porn and women don’t? You are such a sexist at this time and age, na wa o. When people are talking, shut your mouth before bee go sting you, ode. @ purplecious, well spoken@Asake, I jump you for now. @Dolores what is normal? That you sleep with other people’s husband and collect fuel money? or that you pay small boys to jump you at night and give them jeans money. Shut up, what is the norm? For those who see being gay as an abnormal or non biblical, be the first to cast the stone and say you have not sinned yesterday, today and as the sun rises tomorrow. We all are running this raise to heaven and I ITK know say, its easy to judge others by pointing and shooting, but face the mirror with that gun and see who it’s pointing to. We were all beautifully made, let us help one another. It might be just God trying to make you a vessel to bring him to peace. Think about that.
u see the only thing wrong with us is lack of communication and understanding, since u said ur husband is a nice and caring man, why cant u talk to him? (not that confiding in ur pastor is not good). like u said, might be someone else using his laptop or something like that, cus if he has something like that in his computer theirs no way hes gonna be so careless as to let u use the same place he saves those ridiculous files at. go ahead and talk to him then listen and i mean really listen to what he gots to say.
Don’t confront him oh. You have to approach him logically, not emotionally. Just sit down and face him, or wake him up at 2 am and talk to him about it. Also be prepared for the fact that he might deny it when you do ask him about it.
I’m not sure how communication is between both of you especially in tense situations but do think on when you’ve had serious arguments and how you resolved it. Some couples take a few days and come back to the matter. Some couples hash it out right there and then. Also don’t allude to the fact that you’ve talked to your pastor about it because it might make him embarrassed and close up.
Above all it’s not just telling him what’s on your mind but also LISTENING to him. Remember what won’t kill you will make you stronger, have faith in the foundation of your relationship, by God’s grace your relationship is built to last.
So sorry you are in this predicament. My prayer is that God will help you through it and give you the strength and wisdom to confront your hubby. I also pray that your suspicions are not real.
1. Your hubby’s laptop is his property and he is responsible for it. If there is gay porn on it, it’s likely that he is the one watching it. If not him, then perhaps he is being too careless with his laptop especially since you mentioned it happening during work hours.
2. He does not have to be gay to watch gay porn. People dabble into unknown territory just for curiosity sake. The mind is a tricky place and if not guarded well begins to accept and welcome things that ordinarily would be abominable to the individual.
Pray about it as advised by your Pastor and his wife. But, hold off the sex till you have spoken with your hubby. The sex might even disgust you especially with your mind set on him possibly being gay. Be honest with him but don’t become hysterical. It takes a lot for a man to deny the truth when he is confronted calmly and without accusations. Trust me, I had to confront my hubby on something quite disturbing and I refused to give him any ammunition by being hysterical. He was honest with me and till date I have not had that problem again. Like I said before, I pray your suspicions are all for nothing.
Okay…in my opinion..there’s a little more to it that just fantasy because as she said all of the files she found were of gay porn…she didnt find any hetero porn or trannie or SMD so to put it plainly he is definately “interested” in men…He may NOT have cheated YET and he might never will but the point is he WANTS to. I personally watch lesbian porn and hetero porn and that is because I’m bisexual. Of course I wont speak about this openely but the fact that I watch and enjoy both forms of porn should speak for itself. That being said…u need to be honest with him about ur feelings about what u found. If u are satisfied with his explanation then let it go and move on with ur marriage. If otherwise, swallow ur pride and walk away. Its not easy but its the truth. Good luck.
its a shame, when its real issues plaguing our nation there will be 30 comments at the most, but a post on relatonships or sex will generate well over 80 comments. NIGERIA WE ARE MOVING FOWARD! LMFAO!!!
anyway, there is always a stigma attached to certain genders. for some guys its sexy and hot if a girl is a bisexual or into other girls (i.e girls making out at clubs) but if a guy were to do it, its as if it is the most disgusting thing ever or that he is gay, blah blah. idk, who cares
*sigh* you never make a valid contribution on these forums!
KEEP IT MOVIN!
*sigh* the truth is why watch loads of porn if you actually have a partner you cld do the real thing with? My guess is he is toying with the idea, has been suppressing it for years and no curiosity isn’t amongst my guesses because 1 or 2 videos are enof to cure his curiosity. He might have no intention of actually sleeping with a man or might be at d verge of giving in to his desires. My advice is that you pray to God and drop d matter completely on his laps. There’s nothing that big man up there can’t do. And for those of u saying he doesn’t even have to be gay or be toying with d idea becos hez watching gay porn, have u asked urselves why there are loads of just gay porn on his laptop? U watch porn to get turned on right? Wat ever type of porn u watch and enjoy is the type you enjoy or have a secret fantasy for. The only benefit of d doubt that makes sense to me right now is that he may not actually be the one watching them. However Mrs, you need to talk to him.
na waaaaaaaaaaa oooooo, see as people dey talk about porn and homosexuality as if dem be normal thing, smh, May God in heaven helps us…… my dear, i pray that someone actually used ur husbands laptop for all those rubbish and he’s not the one involved, pls talk to him about it, he’s ur husband, dont hide ur feelings and be calm about it
My dear,sorry for everything.Provided he is still caring,attentive,sexy,everything seems well between you two,his behaviour hasnt changed,you are clean medically and still the best husband in the world.I advice you just wait till he get back,make sure he is not in the wrong mood,treat him well as the lovely wife you are,sit him down and talk to him calmly about what you saw and the way you feel and see what he has to say….but please handle the situation calmy an carefully..Every marriage has its ups and down.
You need to speak with your husband. If he was watching straight porn you probably won’t feel this way. You husband might be a closet gay ( or bisexual since your sex life is good) who has never acted out his attraction to men physically but only watch the video. Speak to your man!
hmmm…very interesting piece.My candid thots are
1. Someone else could be using your husband’s laptop to download and watch gay movies. It has happened to me before, i gave my laptop to a friend for use, and he downloaded stuffs on my laptop.
1. Your husband may just have gay porn fantasies, hence, his watching does movies. Now the consequences of watching that, is he will become addicted to it, and gradually it takes over his mind and he begins to see nothing wrong with gay sex…which may eventually lead to him getting involved with a guy..That my dear is not a good thing. Al though your sex life now is great, take note of whatever changes may come up.
3. As a christian, i assume that you are aware that homosexuality is a grave sin, its not of God, Hence, if this whole thing degenerates into gay sex, you need to attack it spiritually.
4. You will have to talk to your husband, maybe not now, but when your mind is settled, and all anger is gone. You need to ask him some very petinent questions, to know where he stands with all this.
I pray that the wisdom of God guides you, cause you seem to have a beautiful marriage, and the devil is trying to attack it. Be strong and courageous woman
Wao!wrong move,you should have tried talking to him first,he is ur husband not a brother in church,you didnt need to talk to ur pastor or any other person for that matter without talking to him 1st,cos already ur pastor and his wife have concluded he is gay,and they will judge him evn when they are not sure,and they will look at him funny(blive me they will),u don’t need to be confrontational,when talking with him ,watch out for his reactions u cld tell if he is telling the truth or not. Good u took the test,but what reason will you give him for using condoms with him,pls i will advice you talk to him,cos it might you might just find out you are wrong,like “al” said it might just be his fantasies,i hope we will get to hear the out come.all the best .
nna mehn, people r already confessing…dia sins o, chei!
Let the woman seek God’s counsel and do as He tells her… confronting him might also help clear things faster BUT do whatever the spirit says!
About pornography, i’ll say this: whether gay or straight its just wrong! It is a sin before God! The people who act it out are not married and are therefore fornicating, and by buying/watching you patronize and encourage them!
A preacher once told this story:
A little boy went into his parents’ bedroom at midnight to say that a huge mosnter was in his room, the parents thought he was imagining things and patted his head, told him it was alright and asked him to go back to sleep. This happened abt three times and they still didnt think he was actually seeing anything, until one afternoon the monster appeared to the mother. Being a christian, she prayed, rebuked it, sanctified her home and began to ask God what gave that monster entrance into her home. Then God spoke to her and said, confront your husband, ask him what he does when no one is home. Surely when the husband got back, she told him what happened and asked him to come clean about whatever he had been hiding, and the husband confessed he was seriously addicted to porn….
Now the truth is sex is an act of worship and opens doors! Sex within the confines of marriage is worship to God and opens windows and doors, whereas sex outside marriage (man/woman) is an act of worship to the demons of sexual sin and can open doors to all kinds of negative stuffs into our lives! Sex and porn alike can result to a spirit to spirit transfer…thats why husband and wife eventually start talking and acting alike! And if for instance u sleep (physically or visually) with a person who is under a curse, you too can contract it! Somebody who is otherwise slow to anger wakes up one morning and discovers that he/she suddenly has temper issues….they ‘probably’ slept with someone ill-tempered, “probably o!”
***THE END***
http://nonyeanike.blogspot.com
Wao. Our comments on this post have shown how far we’ve gone as a society from what is right and normal:
1. Anyone watching pornography – that’s abnormal.
2. A married person watching pornography – that’s abnormal.
3. Anyone, married or single, watching gay pornography – that’s abnormal
There are so many people running to defend this man on these 3 issues, and that is saddening. It does not matter if you have personally done it before, what is not right is not right! To those saying “do not judge” and calling some hypocrites, please first of all, stop misquoting that verse in the bible and try to learn what it truly means. We cannot keep citing that verse to avoid correction, the bible even says it is a fool that despises correction (prov 15:3, etc). You will have to agree that it is far better for anyone, to be ‘judged’ now, than to face eternal damnation for a sin he could have easily repented and gotten deliverance from. Deliverance from sexual pervesion is possible because Jesus has said with God all things are possible, and moreso, He is VERY interested in doing so, for this reason He died. Homosexuality is NOT natural, heteros do NOT have a homo side, that lie was constructed by some intelligent but perverted college professors who are trying to justify their lifestyle. And pls, sexual control is possible, even for couples seperated from each other. When pple comment that we cannot control ourselves, I wonder if they would think this way if they left home for 2 days to come back and meet their baby daughter (or son!) defiled by their husband with the excuse of “I can’t control myself when you are away”
You, Molarah, have said it all. Thank you!
Pray to God to guide your utterances when talking to him.
Please next time, before you involve the pastor or anyone else in any marital issue, first pray, then discuss with your husband before involving any other person into the matter.
You know, already he will not be happy that you invaded into his privacy, knowing then that a third party has had this can inflate him more and cause more problems for the two of you, so i suggest that while discussing with him, not mention that you have discussed with your pastor pls (at least for now).
Also get your pastor’s commitment not to use your case as example in any of his preaching.
lol Keji! but realy,di is dicey,it may jst be curiosity,it may not! madam,God help u.
My dear, your hubby watching gay porn MIGHT not make him a gay…..but why watch gay porn if u don’t have interest in practicing it….not one or two on his laptop!..a lot of straight guy watch gay porn and i tell u they tend to practice it….but have it in mind that one way or the other he has had such encounter either while in school etc…..my advise is u talk to him about wat u saw (i know its hard)…or probably play with his laptop and then open the folder…dialogue with him….make it confidential…. avoid mere opinion…..be ready psychologically of the outcome……but BE PRAYERFUL…God Be With You!!
That you and your spouse are friends is a beautiful thing. For starters, have a heart to heart talk with him. No conclusions, please, till you hear from him. Take it from there.
For always, communication is the key. Good Luck !!!!!!
to watch gay porn does not make the person GAY. it also important she discusses this with her husband rather than holding out and waiting for something to happen.
The man is gay! It is one surf porn on the net, it is a different level to have it stored on your PC. (If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, 99% of the time, it is a duck) All these talk about sexual fantansy is just fantansy. It is lkie been caught with stuff you have not paid for and you say you just like the feel and smell of the item. I am sure you will say the truth after you have had GBH. She should pray and then talk to the man.
Sweetheart, whether he is Gay or not, you have every right to be confused and angry. The issue here at hand is that you were not aware of his habits in such a sensitive part of your lives. Some women know their husbands watch porn (gay or not) and sleep around, and these men don’t hide it. The only option you have is to talk to him about it. Anything else will eat your soul alive and you can say hello to the beginning of the end of your union (even though you technically you will still be husband and wife)
Unfortunately we have no idea how he is going to respond and how the discussion is going to unfold. He may say he its his friends stuff, he may say he is curious, he my say he is bi-sexual. The question is what are you prepared to live with? Are you ready to accept things and work it out ? Chances are he will never admit that he is gay if he is. How will you know the truth? Will you want him to stop watching the porn even if is not gay?
Whatever you do my dear, do not forget to handle this situation with dignity and integrity. Do not do or say anything you will regret in future. Remember that he is human as well and did not intend to hurt you. We all make mistakes, and for all you know, this may be something he is struggling with. Be ready to listen, and remember, this too shall pass.
mehnnnnnnn!!!!
I tink it’s best u let him know,kipin it 2 urslf wld nt hlp matters 4 both of u…
The most important thing in a relationship is communication. If my wife can’t tell me what’s on her mind or I can’t tell her what’s on my mind, why are we married? If there’s no communication in a relationship/marriage, it is bound to fail because that’s the key to any successful marriage. Is that a cultural thing, where many African women always run to their pastor for things they should have communicated with their man first. If your man is not hearing you out, I can see how you bring in trustworthy family members or the pastor . When you are married, you two are one. There’s no privacy anymore. whatever your husband is doing secretly, you deserve to know….vice versa
We man don’t like to talk sometimes. The best way to get a man to talk and to tell you the truth is to plead to his conscience and be logical. Don’t go in there calling him gay or insinuating that because he will automatically be on the defense. You can start off by stating, when we said our vows, we said forsaking others both men and women. Say things like, we all struggle, mention some of your struggles, women ain’t perfect either, make him feel comfortable. Then, you can go ahead and ask him questions. And, if you are too emotional or scared to talk talk to him face to face, write him a letter. You definitely need to communicate with him.
use ur knees..u knw wat i mean
I’m still not sure why she spoke to the pastor first as opposed to her husband, the person she is a MARRIAGE with. A marriage is a convenant between two people and God and I think she broke that by going outside the marriage to talk to a pastor. I reckon she should have spoken to her hubby then TOGETHER they would have sought help, of maybe if he refused to go with her, she could then let him know she would talk to a pastor. That being said, maybe he isn’t gay. The thought of ‘forbidden/taboo’ sex acts could be what turns him on. But I suppose now she’ll never know because she didn’t talk to him first. We are – all of us – equipped with the potential for (self) analysis and knowledge. They REALLY should have discussed it.
Oh and ‘sought help’ as I wrote should be in quotes.
Seriously, relax.
P.S. You ARE homophobic. Not saying you’re a bad person, just pointing out the obvious fact you missed. You’re also very old-fashioned. I hope you can relax sha, more than likely you won’t and will really stress yourself out for a while – story of women’s lives.
This is sad! But its a reality we all need to come to terms with. this is the devil @ work. My dear i will ask you to do what Jesus wuld do. when we wrong Him, he convicts how hearts and we go to him in prayer for forgiveness and he gives it to us. My dear talk to him. since you’re friends, then a good foundation has been laid. No need to be judgemental about it. If you do not know the way to approach it, then u can talk about it indirectly and observe his reactions. I understand that you had to talk to someone. The choice you made to talk to your pastor is not a bad choice, though am not totally comfortable with the advice of your female pastor. Above all, it is only the Holy Spirit that can tell you which way to go, cos bringing it up can go either ways. That’s why prayer and wisdom is necessary. He needs help and who better to get it from but you. Keeping quiet about it will never help either of you. If you love him, you’ll be there for him so he can fight this. Its a struggle dat most people go through. some people will say its just a passing fanatasy, but “as a man thinketh in his heart, so is he”. People have started thinning out the line between good and evil. Any one can sway to either side. Everyday we’re experiencing the battle between good and evil, whether we’re aware of it or not. We need to be on our guard. Finally, try the approach of Nathan the prophet, when he confronted David in the Bible. See his reaction and take it from there. He just might be repentant about it. Even the best of us make stupid mistakes. “Let he who thinketh he stand take heed lest he fall”.
It is an illusion for one to think that one can change their sexual orientation by persuasion, sweet talks, or prayer. It is either you are gay/Bi or you are not. Simple. Of course, you can hide it, but YOU CANNOT DESTROY IT!! It is NOT a “style” or “habit” like smoking / drinking. It is biologically part of you. Homosexuality exits even in the Animal kingdom (Please carry out a research to validate this claim) . The earlier we know this, the easier we get used to homosexuality – and make the lives of gay/lesbians easier. Personally i am no gay, but I’ve done enough research on the subject to know that we all – gay/heterosexual – deserve equal respect and tolerance. I cannot love one less just because they are gay (Does gay love me less because i am hetro??). I wish the couple above a happy marriage
hmmmm….. I pray the advise i write here would be able to help you…..first and fore-most GOD is the only person that can be able to help you in a situation like the one at hand….Going to the pastors was a good idea at that point because you needed someone to talk to, but the issue of homosexuality is a serious issue and touchy issue in Nigeria and therefore people are very judgemental about so be careful..Although you have to be sure of him been gay before you can really do anything abt it…. so am going to try and explain as best as i can, because i have gone through a similar but different situation in respect of the relationship between me and the person….. The most important thing to note….. dont by any means make him feel you are disgusted by it, as much as possible show him love, that way he would be able to trust you, so can help with the problem IF he is gay……he might be your husband but you haven`t known him seen he was born or a child….. alot of cases of sexual abuses between male and female are reported to the public, but what of cases of sexual abuses between older man and boy…….please and please you dont know what he has been through because almost all gay people dont like they way they are, because deep down they know it is wrong and are seriously looking for ways to stop it, but as with all addiction to take over their whole being, just show him love as best as you and dont be judgemental, pray seriously about it and talk to him when he gets back…… In my own case i cried out my whole tear gland first before confronting him, so i didnt have to cry in his presence and make him feel bad and like a charity case and then i spoke to him and was surprised what had really happened……please be careful, show him love, dont judge him(this is very important and thats why i keep repeating it) or make him feel as if u are disgusted by him and pray about it seriously…..THIS IS THE TIME HE NEEDS YOU TO STAND BY HIM AND TRY NOT TO INVOLVE ANYBODY INTO THIS SITUATION, because you know our country even if everything dies down, he will still be kind of stigmatised… THE LORD WILL BE YOUR STRENGTH..
your husband might just enjoy watching that type of porn. i think you should tell him what you saw and ask him to explain cos whatever your choices now will be based on your assumptions…wrong move.
this is a man you claim to love and know…you say is a good man and you’re so quick to judge and sentence him for something you don’t yet understand? that you are not sure what it means? I’m sorry but the way you reacted seems like you’ve been waiting for something to go wrong because for most people, when they see that type of thing, the first thing they do is confront the person involved..not seek for outside advice. that should be the last course of action…assuming he says he’s gay or addicted to porn.
if he answers affirmative to being gay or addicted to porn then you can go to your pastor and/or seek advice. so my advice to you….ask him.