Boundaries
Posted on Wednesday, August 24th, 2011 at 9:36 AMBy Glory Edozien
A noun is the name of person, animal, place or thing. That’s probably one of the first definitions I learnt at school. Today, it has become the foundation of my English language progression. More than two decades later and the exact wording of the definition is still etched in my memory, framing the phrasing of various sentences and my use of capitals in day to day life.
But definitions are not only useful in language. We use them in our lives to differentiate between our various relationships. Defining what someone means to us helps us draw invisible lines of interaction. Family, friends, colleagues, acquaintances, husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, such relationship definitions set boundaries which in turn define the types of interactions that occur in such relationships. For us women in particular, defining our relationships with the opposite sex is important. We are “talking” but he hasn’t ‘said’ anything ‘concrete’ yet; He is my ‘boyfriend’; We are ‘engaged’, He is my ‘husband’. Most women, tend to ‘box’ guys into certain categories. We usually know within the first 5 minutes of meeting a guy whether we will banish him forever into the abyss of friendship, if he has potential to be more than a friend or if we can marry him within the next few months!
I recently had a long dinner with one of my oldest friends Bisi. As we filled each other in on work, family and other jist, conversation naturally moved to relationships. She told me about a guy who she had had a brief dalliance with last year. Although the relationship had started out as something purely physical, it had now matured into something deeper. With a cheeky smile on her lips, she recounted how she was tired of seeking to define her relationships and decided to just let things progress in what ever direction. She wasn’t eager to make this ‘concrete’, all she wanted was to have fun and be happy. Today they are a full fledge couple and practically inseparable. At first, I was a bit alarmed by this free for all physical nature of her relationship. I mean, what if the guy had taken advantage of her? What if he just wanted to keep things physical and then went elsewhere for something more meaningful. Her reply was quite candid, “Glory, what if I too was just using him? After all he wasn’t the only one having fun, we were both having a good time and today it’s progressed into something special. If it didn’t, someone else would have come into my life”. As forthright as her answer was, I wasn’t convinced.
It wasn’t until a few weeks later, when I had a discussion with one of my aunties that I began to see the possible merits in Bisi’s approach. There I was hopelessly trying to avoid my aunt’s rather leering questions about my relationship when she started to complain about my failure to secure a husband. “Glory, you are going about this wrong” she said as she squeezed the second half of the orange we both shared into her mouth. In my days, we had many suitors and we would choose from them. Girls of today just sit down and date one man for 50years and call him their boyfriend. That’s why when he leaves you to marry someone else you start from the beginning. But if you have many suitors, you just move your attention to the next. You have to open your eyes”. As if sensing my thoughts, she glanced at me from the corner of eye and added, “I am not saying you should start sleeping around oh, in my day you could date someone without being so generous, but today you people are different”. Embarrassed as I was to be having this conversation with my aunt, whose kids were years older than myself, I couldn’t help but see reason in her advice.
Unlike most of my articles, where I have come to a conclusion on what my course of action should be, I find my legs straddling both sides of this argument. Are we 21st century women selling ourselves short by tying ourselves down to one man and giving him the all important definition of “boyfriend”, when many of our male counterparts are reluctant to do the same? Should we instead, be in less of a hurry to place definitions on our relationships? Maybe even adopt a version of Bisi’s attitude and let things develop as they will, while pitching mini tents in other places? After all, we all know how dangerous it is to keep all our eggs in one basket. Or is there something to be said for setting relationships within their proper order by defining them? Is it better to keep one guy at a time, regardless? Clearly there are arguments for and against both approaches but I wonder if one argument has more positives than then other.
Photo Credit: http://survivingdating.com
Its better to have different boyfriends to choose from. You will know which is most worthy. Not sleeping around! Your aunts advise is the best…
To each his/her own. If your heart can take the ditching after being dumped years after an undefined relationship, then sure!! Go ahead with the undefinesion (I formed that!)
p.s- I just realised that by replying the 1st comment, I have become the 2nd to comment. Therefore, henceforth, if I am not first, I shall aim for 2nd!!!! :p
lol @ ‘Girls of today just sit down and date one man for 50years and call him their boyfriend’
i just think some gurls are gulibles. Italian weaves & wig is sitting on their ‘common senses’.
Lmao!
lmao@italian weaves are sitting on their head…lol, lol…..
LMAO
CORRECT AUNTY!!!!………………..me i love Bisi’s style and i still think its the best solution……afterall we are in the 21st century (that should be enough excuse)..lol. am i 1st?
The problem with having many ‘suitors’ is many of our aunts/mothers didn’t truly *know* the men they were ending up with… so many of the man’s REAL (often negative) traits were later revealed during marriage. Plus a lot of them married because the man could take care of them etc. and the man married them because they were pretty, good cooks etc. that’s why a lot of old-school couples, you don’t see them IN LOVE. Giggling, laughing with each other, making each other HAPPY. They are barely fulfilling each other’s needs, not wants. A lot of old school couples sleep in different rooms, the wife is taking care of the kids abroad while the man has his girlfriends at home, can we really call this a happy fulfilling marriage?
I would prefer to take my time to know a guy first. It’s not enough that he ticks boxes, he has to be my friend, my companion, not merely ACQUAINTANCE like many old school couples are.
And as for staying with a guy for ’50 years’… well, to each their own. Some people start Seriously dating a young guy (an agemate) too young and when they’re ready the guy isn’t. Then at 23, they see their friends dating mature guys and getting hitched within 1 or 2 years… all I can say is there is a time for everything, and they put themselves in the situation they’re in… whether or not these guys will marry them, me i no know o, but maybe they would have learned some good ‘girlfriend’ traits when they were in those relationships. You have to look at the positive learning aspect of everything… But me, I don’t pity them when the guys don’t take them to the alter. I always say better 5 years, than 6 together… It’s better you break up now than him dragging you along for longer.
So in general my advice is- date late (from 20 and above), date older (an older guy who will be ready to settle down quicker) and date smart (try not to take a relationship like WAEC), if you don’t see a relationship going anywhere, bounce and find a serious guy.
I. LIKE. YOU.
very true!
i love the first paragraph cos thats so true…our parents weren’t friends and yes they only fulfilled needs not wants only a few started out as friends…….well said!!
Yes, i agree. Definitions bring boundaries, and boundaries in turn beget expectations and those expectations run right back to definitions. Example, i meet boy and happily declare him to be ‘boyfriend’. That’s a boundary already because it limits the extent of my friendships with other guys. Now because i have given him the chieftaincy title of ‘boyfriend’, i start expecting him to act towards me in a proprietary way, and i in turn try my best to stamp it all over his face any chance i get that he is ‘my’ territory and i will not tolerate tresspassing. That policing attitude is tedious and whether we admit it or not, does not guarantee anything long-lasting or blissful. So, i agree with Bisi totally, if you both are not having a nice time, move on. If while you are having fun, you receive the great ‘revelation’ that you are meant for each other, all the best.
i think i agree with @patience. Relationships are tricky and there’s hardly any rule that should be followed. while Aunty has a point, guys these days send mixed signals, and so it’s always important to put a definition to whatever alliance or relationship you might have.
DO NOT, I repeat …DO NOT put your eggs in one basket….this applies to business, and relationship is serious business. The idea is not to sleep around but to have a cushion at your when/if you do fall. EOD.
LOOOLLL!!!!
i learnt that when it comes to relationships, we should be open minded and hope for the best. it isnt everybody u date u actually get married to but while u are in the relationship or friendship or watever ship u are in make sure u are happy in it. the moment u start to think about the last time u were happy i guess its time u shut the door. dont be too forward enjoy it as it progresses, relax and have fun. make sure u dont get cheated and be on the same page as the person u are doing watever thing u are doing with. i total agree with Glory’s aunty about exploring options.
i think the direction Bisi took was just right. why bother yourself with fears,insecurities and worries instead of just having fun and being real.
i totally agree, never put all your eggs in one basket, when i met my fiance, i was dating someone, but i didnt blow him off with the i have a boyfriend talk, didnt get intimate either, we became friends, and the more i got to know him, the more i liked him, and he adored me so i had to break up with my boyfriend(who happened to not deserve any form of loyalty from me). Fiance presents me with a ring and of course, i accept. If the current boyfriend isn’t saying anything in the region of making your relationship official, my dear, cast you net elsewhere and dont block off all your options
But Glory, surely theres more for you to write about other than relationships? Or are you a “Relationships” writer now?
Err, I’ve just dubbed her the “Nigerian Carrie” and if SATC could span 6 successful seasons over six years discussing nothing other than the relationships between men and women in New York, then Glory can darn well continue to tackle this issue on the Nigerian front. Glory, carry go.
Well said Onyx. Thanks Glory for trying to enlighten our ladies!
Hahaha!! Nigerian Carrie. #GBAM!
Your Aunt is a very sincere woman.I love her advice.
I really like aunties advice……… very practical and real.
If you can’t vision futuristic possibilities with any man, don’t waste your time…soldier no dey finish for barrack (unless say boko haram don chase dem commot lol)!
@ dee totally agree wit u…well for me.. i can’t be in a lovi-dovi relationship..open relationships re d best except u ve nev experienced any heartbreak
Well, now, Glory. Look at you getting all Carrie-in-SATC with your article these days (like the way you straddled the argument at the end and we do need a “Nigerian Carrie”, to address our many unanswered relationship-related questions).
So, my mum thinks like your Aunt, it must be a generational thing. I remember her always telling us that till this day she never answered my father’s proposal and I always retort with, “But now that you’ve found yourself in his house these 30 odd years later, having borne his children, is the answer no longer moot?”… Lol.
I see the point these older women are trying to make though, dont box yourself in by limiting your choices because, regardless of what people say about the scarcity of men, it’s still ultimately a woman’s choice. Whether she wants to keep it physical before moviing to the next level (never a good idea, though, I’m just sayin’), whether she wants to cling to that man and groom him into a husband for another girl, or whether she sees herself as having enough worth to be won by the right man in a line of many. To paraphrase my mum, “you can choose without being too choosy”.
When i read write ups like this it makes me understand why some girls dont even take me serious,cos its clear i’m not settling down anytime soon.Goodluck to them tho
uhm. but u kno…Ms Bisi there didn’t start out with a mind to “let this where it will”.
sounds to me like once upon a time she had expectations but the bloody battlefield of relationships has left her a battle-weary-and-wary warrior.
i do believe one shud have expectations…and having expectations means giving a definition to ur desires.
i think the bigger challenge is recognising a bad pattern wen u fallen into one – and being graceful and strong enuf to get out of it and not carry all that baggage about everywhere u go.
The lady in the pic has pencils in her hair… how odd? well photoshop heh.
To be honest I am mentally drained from the topics on relationships and its components…
No analysis/advice from me today.. i will say do ur thing…
great post because of written very well and nice. great to see some dazzling posts here. keep up the right and nice work dude.
reeha@cheap desinger handbangs please help urself by checking ur typos. even ur name is missspelt e.g Designer or desinger? pls go back and reread ur comment, i can’t get it. no by force na…by the way Glory no be dude na Babe!
the truth about relationships is that there is no hard and fast rule to it. Just make sure u r getting what you want out of it. If not exit. I dont support dating multiple men when you are ready for a serious relationship leading to marriage. Because when one dude pisses u off, you just move to the next and it becomes a bad cycle. and when you choose to settle with one of the two, then you start realizing things you should have noticed from the get go because you didn’t pay attention. If you want to play the field, knock yourself out. there is nothing wrong with it. Never force issues with a man however cos u might live to regret it.
Somehow a lot of women think they can manipulate men into marrying them and stuff, but if your goal is a happy marriage, then let nature dictate the pace.
interesting conversation.
Just thinking out loud (or on the internet, if you wish), if I take Aunty’s advice, how many of the say 5 men should I sleep with before I make up my mind? In Aunty’s day, the women married as virgins and the men expected them to be virgins so there were no undue pressures from that score. These days guys just expect you to be sexually compatible before anything happens. I’d have adopted Bisi’s advise if I was 21 and in no mean rush to get married anytime soon. then I could enjoy the friendship for as long as we need to find that ‘aha’ moment. In my case, I’m 26 so I enjoy the blossoming friendship for what it’s worth for a few months and if he’s not ‘saying anything concrete (Glory, you got the line to a T) then I’ll ask for a definition. If the definition doesnt sound sensible, I walk. Finish. Any man deserving of a woman will understand the need to make his intentions known and not ‘fence’ her from other men. After all, he’d consider her dating other men at the same time as ‘cheating’. My 2kobos!
lol @: @ patience “date smart (try not to take a relationship like WAEC)
Identify why you are dating the dude.What are your goals and aspirations.How old are you and what level in life are you at ? These will help determine what style you will choose…Auntie’s or Bisi’s.
If you are very young and marriage is the last thing you want to consider, then the answer is Bisi’s way. But if the biological clock is running out , then open your eyes, move on if you don’t see what you are looking for.If you see what you are looking for and he is not proposing, comfront him. Move on if he is not into you.
Please ladies one man at a time. My humble opinion!!
Gloria Another nice article,Aunty,s idea worked in the past they she remain close friends and dates 50men and gradually she chooses her prince charming from her fleet of admirers, that can,t work in the 21st century,women these days don,t have men pouring over all over their feet like in aunty,s day if a women pushs too hard she may breakdown emotionally and these days difficult to hold back being generous, how many heart breaks can one woman take so it can,t work because our fathers are diffirent from guys of 21st century, society and lot of things have changed 21st century man,for example how many men these days marry 2to5 wives very few that is if they still exist.I lived in the uk for 10years before i moved back home and i have noticed that Bisi,s approach is what is working there and even in niaja it is working has well,a friend of mine recently got married after he had been dating a lady who put him under a lot of pressure on marriage from her and her family, it got to a point, when they were willing to sponsor the whole wedding,somehow he wasn,t ready marriage and needed to put is life together so he had to end the relationship.only to meet a lady who applyed the Bisi,s aproach in 1year they are happily married now and love each other so much. why i feel the idea is good because it lets nature take is cost also it allows you share your mind sincerely with that person,when you have a problem-sad,depressed or any kind of issue people like Bisi are one,s that can help you by taking her time to listen and advice you on facts of the issue without sentiments because she is not trying please you she is just being herself taking life easy with no stress, so you feel comfortable and naturally fall in love with this person,you see this person has a companion and a friend,when something good happens to you ,you want to share it first with this person,at a point this person becomes your confidant.Then you ask yourself why not spend the rest of your life and marry this person because when i look at her i see hope,i am encouraged, i feel motivated not fear or unneccesary pressure that comes with someone who is desperate to marry at all cost because of peer or family pressure without knowing a person,s true state of mind or feelings. Now sex is not an issue and may not be neccesary, but having a shoulder to lean on builds a bond and make you both compatable but ladies be warned the Bisi idea does have is own challenges family pressure,peer pressure and fustrations but if you take all this on stride,God will surely see you through. This is my 2cents to ladies from a guy,s point of view- use the Bisi approach it hardly fails. Gloria may God fill you with more wisdom,waiting for your first book.
i think u have some points here but its so hard to read ur comments. ever heard of a full stop? make ur sentences longer.
thanks
Gosh! Whatever happened to punctuations and appropriate syntax? How do you expect anyone to read this? Worse than hierogyphics, geez.
oh pluhlease!!!!…thats only the reason your friend gave about not wanting to marry the other girl….for sure, there were other issues going on….. guys will always have excuses for why they ended a relationship so they dont look like they are bad people….my two pence worth, he never loved the other girl but she met some need while he was with her……it wasnt pressure that did it….pressure came because he wasnt serious in the first place….he probably knew he wasnt going to marry her anyways but wasnt ready to leave the relationship at the time……any guy, worth his salt, who knows where he wants to take a relationship will be willing to say…will not be driven away by pressure and will do what he can to allay the fears/insecurities of the woman in his life….c’est finis
I remember hearing these words in a movie “Women like monkeys they are, wont let go of one branch until they get hold of the next”…… I believe any woman who dates around would always feel they can eat their cake and have it …… and to say the 21st century woman can date different guys without having sex…. pls people be real …. It barely happens…. I advise the women to open their eyes well and to know what they are looking for in a guy
Surprisingly, I’m gonna have to disagree with your Aunty(who knew). Anyways, on one hand you should have lots of guys as friends. By friends I don’t mean chatting about what you’d do to him if you see him. Keep it clean and classy. Don’t run all your suitors down the street with meat water even though you have a boyfriend. Be nice, just hang out but no cheating emotionally or physically. Here’s the part where I disagree: pple make it look like finding a husband is a do or die affair. And by so doing, they make girls turn into desperados when they clock 30. Desperation is not sexy. AT ALL..
Personally I believe that everyone has a soul mate. 2. If God hasn’t put marriage on your to do list on earth then so be it. Do not jump on the first beater you see.
Wow, I’m on fire today, throwing in the “GOD QUOTES.” My youth pastor will be proud.
Hmmmm. I am getting a bit confused. Are we saying it is right to date as many people at the same time? How do we deal with the hurts associated when someone who honestly adores you gets to find out you have been dishonest? What of the attendant vicious circle? Are we throwing our morals to the dogs? I am seriously concerned and then thinking if we are doing the right things by telling our young men/women that it is acceptable type behaviour to keep multiple relationships. If the notion that family units make up the nation, I don’t see how this advices in the public domain edify us as a people. I am just thinking aloud.
Sope thanks for your lovely points the “Bisi approach” is really cool will surely apply it. Don,t mind missy you can,t even afford to put your real name and you are here bringing down somebody’s comment. we are here to share views after all no one is perfect, at least i have learnt some new tips from Sope. Thanks
I don’t agree with your aunt. Dating multiple people in general, and worse still at the same time is just a recipe for CONFUSION unless you’re ready to do “ini mini mani mo…” which by the way is what a lot of the older generation did in their time (and we can see how that worked out for them now). For the fact guys are doing it, doesn’t mean ladies should too…Its never wrong to do right, and its never right to do wrong. And yes, a relationship should be defined if not its a waste of time in my opinion. Time that could be used to develop one’s self while they wait on a meaningful r/l. Believe me, a guy that really loves you and is willing to commit to a relationship will NOT mince words or leave u confused as to what the “definition” is. He will take charge as a man…my opinion tho
wow! i am Bisi’s namesake and i am already feeling like a star.Like Sope and Nnenne said, we ladies don’t have to put any man under pressure.I dated my husband for 3years he never proposed and kept saying family issues. I was always there for him to advise and enconrage him.So 1 day he walked away and left me for no just reason even though we were madly in love.I was very sad,at 33 age was not on myside, so i took to it God in prayers and told him don’t let his family issues ruin him, bring him back i had strong faith.He came back after 1year and told me is mother/family didn’t want him to marry me a yoruba lady(he is an ibo man) they wanted him to marry a certain ibo lady from is village. That he kept dreaming about me every night and found out that he couldn’t live without me and how much he loved me,finally he won family battle and he wants me back. So he proposed-i accepted,we got married in easter,1 point here is he never told me that his family prefered an ibo lady he kept it secret,but i sensed he was holding something back because he kept saying family issues.So we women should pray if you find a man that loves you and he is acting strange, don’t put him under pressure. Take it to God in prayers and he will never fail you.
I am not too sure about the ‘date many people at the same time’ thing. If you are not with one person how are you ever sure if you are actually WITH that person. It also does not sound safe -sexually speaking- despite advances in contraceptive methods. Call me blessed but i’m in my very early twenties and since JS3 all my boyfriends have been the serious, monogamous types and i’ve enjoyed that. I feel like nothing would ever have really blossomed if I was throwing around my proverbial apple. If the guy does not gree after some time, ladies HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. Bisi was lucky cos he probably wanted more than just her body. That guy is literally one in probably 34,000. PS. A loving relationship does not require sex. I’m a new age, liberal chick but i’ve held off and no one’s ever dumped me for that before. Just Saying.
wow, dis got me thinkin real hard.am in a relatnship n d guy is askin 4 sex badly. i broke up wit him buh we made up afterwardz.i dint want 2 b d ‘bad’ gal unlike ma frends so i decided 2 date jus him n giv him ma ol. now im wonderin if i made a mistake afterol by jus stickin 2 him alone cos am rily gettin tired of dis sex thing. shud i start seein oda guyz yle playin it kul??? pls i nid ur advice pple.
hmmm…sweety…its your life really but since you asked for advice…..i know ladies are gonna diss me for this but sweetheart my humble advice is this….you dont sound like you are really into this guy i wouldn’t blame you wen it seems to be based on a need to have sex….i dont know the details of your relationship but sweetheart if it hinges on sex and you are tired….i wouldn’t tell you to break it off, but wont you love to be with a guy who appreciates your other qualities other than pus*y pls forgive my language/ wouldn’t you love to be with a man who will take his time to get to know you first and let the loving come naturally instead of demand it, a man who knows your real worth will respect your body enough to savor it for marriage. you dont sound like u are getting anything from this relationship other than giving him sex…you shud be happy whomever you choose to be with, it was a good thing u did initially leaving him when all he seemed to be interested in was sex…why did u go back?…
I dont think sex is a good enough reason to be in a relationship…. and always remember….. if he sleeps with u before marriage there’s a higher probability he will sleep with other women after your married…. somtin to do wit self control… if he cant hold out now… he probably wont lock up after u marry him…. wen ur appeal is long expired….. wit child birth, ova familiarity… etc…
my advice… dump d guy…. and make sure u set clear boundaries with the next man who comes into ur life…
cheers
@Gloria…..i’m not suprised at your topic today cos it seems to be the lie the devil is pepertrating into our world today……four movies i watched recently all produced with the last 18 months all have this theme……”start out having sex, dont set boundaries let things flow and you’ll fall madly inlove there after and live happily ever after….” LOVE AND OTHER DRUGS, GOING THE DISTANCE, FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS AND NO STRINGS ATTACHED…….its really sad and annoying naturally by the time i got to the fourth movie and realised it was same theme i dint bother finishing it cos its a lie….now might argue afterall Bisi and her Boo are inseperable….oh yes they are in(love) i tell u cos they started out having sex thereby blinding their assesment of each other….the sex blinds them to flaws, xter traits and bad tendencies but you know what will clear their eyes….MARRAIGE….yes….suddenly its no longer about having sex, sleep off in each others arms, then wake up dine out, go see a movie then kiss each other goodnight…oh no, its now about living in same house and realising that after sex you have to live the remaining hours with the same man/woman and u surely CANT have sex 24hrs or lets say the 10-13hrs u spend together after work…..my point is, such relationships are faulty, set on the wrong foundation…how will they stand the test of time….meeting a guy, having sex with him regardless of what the outcome might be!!!…shesh even animals such as doves, wolves and eagles mate for life so what are we dogs????
As for your aunty Bisi’s suggestion-its priceless but i believe in dating one guy at a time but babe….times are hard and the hearts of men desperately wicked so……i wont chase the other suitors away, i will focus intensely on 1 and be friends wit the others until am sure the basket wont loose its bottom but i certainly will be committed to 1 guy at a time, be his friend get to know him and prayerfully seek Gods will on the matter.
Babes out there pls dont buy the lie circulating….God is a merciful God but what worked for B might not work for A….starting out with free casual sex doesn’t guarantee a happy ending vice versa but its best to start out right otherwise when ur prince charming shows up how do u relay ur past to him? what if one of ur casual flings turns out to be the best man on ur beautiful day or a close relative of his? after freely giving away ur cookies and handsome shows up will kegel and tightening soap be enough to save the day?….what of self worth?
Think am well!!
@ chocbela, missy is sooo right, there are some things you just mite not undastand now, but you wil later,and belive me, u wld want to luk back n be happy u made the right choice.. a person who loves u would” never” put pressure on you for anything and most importantly sex.
Do not be deceived.
Guess you went back to him cuz you were confused, probably lonely, or probably u pitied him..decide to make the right choice which is holding on till marriage, belive me you’ll be glad you did later on.
Ignore your feelings..”Faith is the engine, feelings are the cabooze.”.Have faith in yourself to say no and abide by it.” Be strong.
What am i seeing from these comments and the article!
This is the reason why our problem in this generation can never be solved (not a curse) Please see my arguements. We are going astray in this generation and i weep.
We have philosophies and ideologies growing so fast and getting rooted among us that is contrary to what the maker has in store for us. We are getting it wrong, i repeat we are getting it wrong. The only guide i have is my bible and i can never weigh any other opinion (no matter the century i am in-whether 21st century or 31st century)
Never keep your eggs in one basket? hmm. Please can someone explain these to me? What is open relationship? If you are a casual friend to the opposite sex and you have many of them is a different thing than being a girlfriend/boyfriend of so many people (forget sleeping arround cos as a child of God sef we are not meant too so it doesnt come into the picture).
What am saying is that if i am a girlfriend to a guy, that means there is more to it than being casual. Feelings, emotions and intimate friendship is for just *one* guy not open for all. If you want to be a casual friend of all of them, fine but not a girlfriend of so many people. You cant do what you do with one with all others-its not possible.
OMG where are our Godly virtues? I am a guy and i can confidently speak before God that i cannot date two ladies at the same time or say i have multiple girlfriends just in the name of not keeping my eggs in one basket. I cant share emotions, feelings and intimate friendship with two ladies at the same time so where is open relationship coming from? What my bible tells me is that the expectation of the righteous shall not be cut short. If i date a gurl/man with one mind and am led by God into the relationship, certainly it will work well. Lack of faith is what makes you not to keep your eggs in one basket and without faith it is not possible to please God. So i can confidently tell all those who are not keeping their eggs in one basket according to that scripture that they are not pleasing God.
My bible tells me that in the last days, people will depart from the faith and listen to heresies. A marriage/relationship based on any other philosophy or ideology can never withstand the test of time; only the one based on the solid rock will.
Friends, loved ones, guys, ladies, if you wanna be a child of God, be a child of God and if you wanna follow some other philosphy cos you wanna marry, fine. The end is even near self and the coming of Christ, so why will you compromise cos of marriage that you dont even know what it will bring forth tomorrow.
In heaven, there is no husband or wife there. We all shall be the redeemed of the Lord. Hold on to your faith people of God. If you want an article on the biblical way to dating that leads to marriage, mail me on “doingitgodsway12@yahoo.com” will get the article for you
tanx missy n young lady i rily appreciate d feedbk…wud sure dwell on it.
i love this topic. we have this problem as a single lady. am married now. my marriage is jt a year old. i dated some other guys n the past but maybe i was always with the wrong ones. i met my husband during my service year. we served in the same organisation. we were just friends and i never knew i will ever marry him. i wz always looking out for flashy guys. most of them happened to live a very fake life. i wz dating this guy and my husband knew him. at times he comes to our flat to pick me up at night to spend the night in his place. i never knew my husband was nursing his feelings for me. my husband later relocated and i later broke up with the guy because he was a very bad cheat. i vowed never to date any man again. but i learnt a lot of things from my past relationships. i learnt never to expect so much and never to love any man that doesn’t love me more. i guess i was lucky. 2 years after my service year i remained friends with my husband but never a serious friend. i hardly call him but he was always calling. one day he called me and said “Gloria can u come to Enugu i want to discuss something with you” and i said what do u want to discuss he refused to speak and i refused to come. at a time he got tired and said “I want you as my Wife” and i said “If you are serious about it come down to Jos and lets talk”. he complained that his job doesn’t let him travel and i said then you are not serious about it. after about a month he called me and said am serious send me your address. i did lo and behold he came to jos we discussed at length and i understood why he actually choose me. we started dating and from there we got married. so u see past relationships helps but learn to draw the line when necessary.
missy;u r blessed.cldn’t hv said it beta.d devil is roamin abt deceivin human beings wit lies.so r/ship is now all abt sex?wen its no longer all abt sex(marriage)bisi’s eyes ll open.
1 man+1 woman+understanding+faithfulness=happy couple
50/50 chances to both sides.Dating 10 persons same time will still jeopardize your chances since you couldn’t hide it from them
I so agree with Patience.U r ryt on point gurl.Aunty is only being typical of people from their generation.They want us to do things the way they used to do it,forgetting that we are quite different from them.These days,there’s a lot of emotion involved in relationships unlike in their own days when they cud just marry anyone whom the felt cud shoulder their burden.These days we don’t jst marry because the person can meet our needs but because he will love us and show us affection all the way.I don’t wanna be with a man who doesn’t express his feelings towards me physically.We can see alot of this in our parents.Like most of my gurls hv said..each one to his/her own.if u wanna be with 1man,kool!If u wanna be with many men at d same tym,I dunno how u r not gonna be seen or called a player which eventually keeps you at d losing end coz all dem men will eventually leave you.Which man wud like to marry a player?tell me!
I have read all the comments here very interesting all of them.I leave alone and I don’t let any man sleep over night in my house.I usually meet guys and during just having normal conversation, i tell them i live alone and bam !!!!!. They invite them selves to my house to sleep over, eat and you know what.And I don’t waste time I always tell them no.Capital no, some have tried putting pressure on me and boy I always stand my ground.It has served me well, that immedietly helps me in dropping the unserious promiscous ones at once.We have indeed lost our bearing spiritually and otherwise.
Am so careful because, it will be very unwise of me to invite someone I met
within 24 hours to my house, because the only thing I know is his name and he can do any thing to me. Ladies please be very careful and stand on your gaurd, a man that sleeps in your house I believe does not have an iota of respect for you.
I rest my case.
I really am not one who lives by anyone’s standard but I think the aunt in question is not totally wrong.Some many people mentioned that in the past generation their marriages weren’t happy ones, well i don’t agree.I think the best of marriages i have seen still belong in their generation,at least they have enough peace of mind to stick around and bring up their children who forms the present generation compared to the marriages of today which are made on the premise of hot love and romance and still doesn’t stand the test of time.I know we are all civilized now so we live by a different standard but we can do ourselves a lot of favor by revisiting the old way of doing things, they sure were getting good result then compared to our”do it your way tingy”.The old school way of doing things i’m referring to is not totally about what Glory’s aunt said but emphatically on core values like saying no to pre-marital sex, i know it’s hard but no pain no gain and if the guy knows that you are serious about your stand he will leave in time for you to know he is not serious about you and that saves you lots of headache then you can see clearly toother guys standing by pinning for your attention.
If we can take to some of this so called”old school”thinking, we should be able to at least reduce the number of heartbroken and unmarried ladies of our time.I am no saint but i take time to go the hard way sometimes just to get what I want because I know it ill be worth it in the end.
Sorry if the comment isn’t one we are expecting but we all need to think deeply before acting.I mean we’ve been doing it our way yet we all still complain about all our exes, abeg make we change tactics and use our old ladies advise sometime*outta here*