Dating Options: The Nigerian Factor

Okay, so we all know that being single in our culture after a certain age is like driving around in a car with a manual transmission and no air-conditioning …yep not life threatening but frustrating as heck and sometimes disheartening. Finding the right partner is certainly not an easy road to navigate, however, I feel like the level of difficulty is increased exponentially in Nigeria.

Prior to moving back to Nigeria, I had heard all these amazing stories about how people moved back and got married within 6 months and so on. One story in particular stuck in my mind. This girl, was just hanging outside her house when her neighbour came by to say hi with a friend of his. I imagine megawatts of “thunder and lightning” must have occurred, because after dating said friend seriously (I mean seeing each other everyday and all the other typical aspects of being in a relationship) for 6 months, he proposed and the rest as they say is history – introduction, engagement, wedding and the whole nine yards.

I repeated this story and many others to my wide network of girlfriends and we did a lot of oohing and aahing over how romantic these stories were, oh, I forgot to mention that this was during the “innovative” period of wedding websites. I can’t tell you how many hours I spent going to these sites and looking at all the lovely pictures and reading the various “how we met” stories. I was definitely an old school romantic … sigh.

So of course my girls and I would go on about how lucky women at home were with so many “hot” Nigerian men to choose from…right … WRONG!

What people forget to mention is that sure there are men a dime a dozen, however how many of them are ELIGIBLE?

Okay so let’s get some definitions going …

Wikipedia defines Eligibility as “desirability as a marriage partner, as in the term eligible bachelor or bachelorette”.

This definition automatically implies that to be deemed eligible, there must be some type of criteria or dare I say “list”.

Yes, the dreaded “list”.

I remember an older friend of mine telling me that when she was much younger, she had an eligibility list a mile long. I am talking of mundane things like … He has to be tall, handsome, funny, baffer (just kidding) and so on. Ahhh … the joys of being young and naive. During lunch sometime ago with the same friend who now is in her late thirties, I reminded her of her list and asked if she was still working with the same list. She laughed heartily and said that the only criterion she is working with now is:

“Can he just be BREATHING?”

A bit drastic you might say. Maybe … Maybe not.

So I have been back for several years now, and yes I have had tons of fun and met loads of people, but I can say with absolute certainty that the grass is not greener on the other side. At least outside Nigeria, we single ladies are left in peace. In Nigeria, everyone feels the urge to poke and prod you to explain why you are single. I am sure you’ve noticed how quick people are to ask single people all types of random questions. My personal favorite is why are you still single? Seriously!  As if 90% of single people are single out of choice. Jeez.

A single co-worker of mine once told me that her very wonderful aunt asked her this same well intentioned but unwittingly annoying question. She replied saying; well, aunty I can’t very well ask myself out, date myself or marry myself can I?

Another common question asked is- are you being too picky?  Now this question is just plain annoying. Obviously I am not saying women should have an unrealistic eligibility list, however, is it wrong to have standards? And by standards I don’t mean superficial ones, I am referring to deeper characteristics related to religion, personality, and fidelity amongst others. Are we expected to give up these standards simply because we want to get married?

Now let’s even assume that in this competitive race to get married, people decided to simply get married for marrying sake, what about compatibility?

Imagine a highly educated woman marrying a danfo/okada driver. I am using a female example, because let’s face it most men seem to be more about physical characteristics than intellectual characteristics … sorry guys. But let’s be honest, when was the last time a Nigerian man married a woman because she can solve complex math equations, quote advanced physics in her sleep and is knowledgeable about world politics?

Okay it’s really hard for me to even have a mental picture of this scenario.

However, another question I’d like to ask is why do domestic maids always seem to have boyfriends? I mean if they are not dating the driver, it’s the security guard, or the meat seller in the market … I mean without a doubt they tend to have access to a wider range of men.

Just the other day, the cleaner in my office told me she was getting married to husband 2 because husband 1 was too demanding (not sure what she meant by that). I thought to myself, husband 2 ke? Some people are praying to just be in a relationship. Or has education and exposure become a limitation to dating and getting married in Nigeria?

Whatever the answers to the questions I have posed in this article might be, I really do believe that the key to surviving singleness, regardless of what side of the Atlantic one might live, is patience. Patience to wait for what will always be yours, and patience to shift through all the ineligible men that may come one’s way.

208 Comments on Dating Options: The Nigerian Factor
  • Wizzy! October 21, 2011 at 2:38 pm

    I have not read it yet, but I just want to be the very first to comment…lol! Yipeee….I thank you all for this recognition….ha ha ha!!!

    • notaplayerhater October 21, 2011 at 5:02 pm

      olodo

    • Mma October 23, 2011 at 10:55 pm

      Really? You didn’t read it. You just wanted to comment? What is wrong with you people?

      • kiki October 25, 2011 at 9:22 am

        i dont just get the craze with being the first to comment. i just want to hit ppl that do that. smh

    • Enyinna December 9, 2011 at 10:22 am

      Too funny… Education is obviously a factor because it raises your standards and, that limits your social circle.

  • yep! October 21, 2011 at 2:44 pm

    I LOVE THIS ARTICLE!!

    • Mary007 October 21, 2011 at 7:47 pm

      I second that with all your caps screaming best article in a long time.

  • Dahlia Voka October 21, 2011 at 2:47 pm

    You post is so funny!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Tin October 21, 2011 at 2:47 pm

    Well written, witty piece love the comparisons made with housemaids. Literally made me laugh out loud, because its soo true!

  • MELLA October 21, 2011 at 2:52 pm

    loveeeee it….got it right out of my mouth.
    btw: how do u post these write-up on this website? i have a couple to share. thanks

  • Tope October 21, 2011 at 2:56 pm

    lol..at husband 2…u berra tell her to skool u o!

  • TommyGirl October 21, 2011 at 3:09 pm

    Fantastic writeup!

  • Temi October 21, 2011 at 3:16 pm

    Relationships, relationships, relationships! I find it hard to ignore a post on relationships.

    From a sociological perspective, there is a pyramid in existence. Everyone’s ideal situation is to date above their own level on this pyramid. At worst, you stick to your tier. The house girls are thought of as being on the base of this pyramid in terms of education, exposure and therefore seem to have a wide range to choose from: the base upwards. So that’s why usually, they are spoilt for choice-from houseboy, to driver, to Oga’s son , to Oga… So truth is this, the higher you climb, the fewer your ‘ideal’ choices become as the pyramid reduces in size with height… This therefore means the answer to your question is: yes, exposure can very easily become a limitation to dating and getting married not just in Nigeria, anywhere.

    Away from Sociology, let’s face what I call ‘real life’. Compatibility is very key. But the truth is this: many of us are still on the road to self discovery and so find it hard to decide on what is compatible. It is very easy to focus on things that can change over character, attitude and behavior. Those fleeting things are …fleeting. They should not form the basis of any relationship. But guess what guys, I won’t discount anything anybody holds important as being otherwise for what is important to A might not be so to B.
    For instance, one important thing to me is diction. I don’t think I would be able to cope with a guy who shells (much).

    Back in 08/09, I met a guy who really liked me but all I could hear were his grammatical errors. It was as though I was being physically stoned as he shelled with reckless abandoned. I could not cope and promptly discouraged him from calling etc.

    Now someone might read this and think me to be an unserious person but that’s just me. No use trying to be untrue to who I am. I once wrote on my blog that I would hate to marry a shorter man (I’m a tally btw) and a person made a comment that no wonder I am still single. Those are the kind of things that I think we don’t need.

    No one should make you feel you’re being picky because you don’t like the people that ‘toast’ you back. We all need to set and stick to standards-just make sure they are reasonable so that one day you don’t narrow it down to ‘just let him be breathing’.

    Be prayerful, be watchful, be careful. Keep being on God’s side and He will sort you out with a perfect match.

    God help us.

    • Temi October 21, 2011 at 3:19 pm

      ***reckless abandon*** now I’m the one shelling

      • becca October 21, 2011 at 3:35 pm

        ‘It was as though I was being physically stoned as he shelled with reckless abandon.’…*dead* LMAO!

      • A.D October 24, 2011 at 1:10 am

        looool, its allowed my dear, and don’t worry you aren’t alone , I also cant stand a guy who shells much.
        P.s I always love to read what you have to say, keep it up, always have an informed view which mostly is exactly what I want to say……in a nutshell, big fan, love ur blog too

        http://www.memoirsofagoodnaijagurl.blogspot.com

      • iya oloja October 27, 2011 at 10:29 am

        lol….good u corrected that…i was gonna point it out…

    • banke October 21, 2011 at 4:55 pm

      what about situations whereby u dont love a guy and he loves you very much…as if you dont feel anytin from him but pity? wat shuld b done?

      • Debo October 21, 2011 at 7:36 pm

        My dear, don’t do it. Was in that shoes once. Tho I liked d guy, I knew I wasn’t ready to date him then and even later… But I went ahead…. Fortunately, my mind wouldn’t let me rest. So I broke it off. Yeah things were pretty awkward at some point but I was much happier and felt good… Don’t date a guy or girl out of pity… Better to lose that friendship (if he/she is a friend- as bad as it maybe) then traumatize yourself

    • Keji October 21, 2011 at 5:18 pm

      If I could, I would give U a BEAR HUG through the virtual world. I cldnt have put it beta myself. I share your exact thoughts and more.

    • KYLE October 21, 2011 at 6:39 pm

      It’s funny how you shelled while complaining about shelling. Haven’t you heard about ‘proof reading’? (Yes, I know you corrected yourself, but damn.. Anyone would expect ‘the almost perfect’ you -to not make such a silly mistake.

      As for your write-up about sociology, reality, why you, the six-footer, can’t find a man taller than you to date (knowing fully well that ‘tallness genes’ are recessive), and being on the road to discovering yourselves (women), I’ll just leave you with this reply I got from Lydia Cotton’s Facebook fan page. It’s from a dude named Ruby Juno.

      “I can’t date no broke ass woman, I can’t date no woman without an education, I can’t date no ugly ass woman, I can’t date no woman whose parents aren’t degreed…or doesn’t come from a nice family, I can’t date no woman that wears fake hair…I can’t date no woman that don’t drive at least a Mercedes or a car better than mine. I can’t date no woman that don’t have good wet p***y. I can’t date no woman that won’t open the door for me, and treat me like a gentleman. I can’t date no woman that lacks ambition and drive. (*Doesn’t all that sh*t sound dumb as hell coming from a man?…so ladies…it sounds just as ignorant as hell…when you say it*) For insecure ass people…that are always trying to “keep up”…yeah i guess there is a dating ‘beneath’ issue…problem is they should clearly look in the mirror…because they won’t see anyone but themselves! #ALWAYSABRIDESMAID…NEVERABRIDE”

      • Biodun October 24, 2011 at 11:21 am

        HAHAHAHAHAH! I second you on that one bro!!!

      • Sarah October 26, 2011 at 11:34 am

        Don’t really get the basis of this comment but ok… Think this whole article has already said everything you saying. Don’t see how from reading Temi’s comment you have now managed to peg her as “almost perfect”. I don’t want to use such a strong word as “ignorance” to describe your comment but its around that area though. Its ok to have standards you do too.
        We are all inevitably headed down that path of commitment, question is just when. Let’s not make it harder for each other. eh?

      • Yos November 2, 2011 at 1:50 pm

        Men don’t care about standards and they get offended when they meet women who do.
        I am not single by the way.Patience really is the key.Don’t settle for just anyone out of desperation or pity.

      • Anonymous November 23, 2011 at 5:12 pm

        Please stop ctiticising the poor babe-feels like as u r trying to ‘wash’ the babe, you are doing urself harm. Your written english is not so good either-she corrected herself already.

    • segunbabs October 21, 2011 at 7:25 pm

      as a guy i totally agree with you when it comes to the pyramid analysis. but i must say that things like this tend to correct themselves over time. i am an educated, employed Nigerian man but i have it difficult “toasting” beautiful educated black women because their stock value has been over inflated. but i am more often lucky with women less of my standard or when they are older with a couple of children.
      i love the line “It is very easy to focus on things that can change over character, attitude and behavior.” i think that is the key problem.

    • prasioe October 21, 2011 at 8:53 pm

      Temi, I love your comment, u really nailed it

    • LOLA October 22, 2011 at 1:32 am

      “Back in 08/09, I met a guy who really liked me but all I could hear were his grammatical errors. It was as though I was being physically stoned as he shelled with reckless abandoned”
      LMAO, THIS GOT ME ROLLING .

    • Damy October 22, 2011 at 4:47 am

      the pyramid makes a whole lot of sense

    • olu October 22, 2011 at 6:18 am

      Great post and some interesting comments as well.. speaking from a single guy’s perspective I can see why it’s hard for some ladies to find a man with “exposure, good career and family background etc.” Most guys like that are already taken. It’s ok to have standards you just have to balance that with being realistic – I have an Uncle whose wife is taller than him – happily married over 20 years! As for me i’m in N.America and it’s really hard to find the right lady over here- i have my “list” as well.. prefer someone with similar values and background… Have even tried the long distance thing with people in Naija and it almost worked :-) Been “hooked up” by cousins and friends too but didn’t quite hit it with me – so now I try to keep an open mind and pray that “Miss Right” is still single and waiting…

      • Ashani October 22, 2011 at 10:47 am

        Goodluck!

    • Ashani October 22, 2011 at 10:41 am

      Nice piece! wats your blog..? Would like to read more

      • K! October 22, 2011 at 4:33 pm

        It’s temiville.wordpress.com. There’s a whole lot to read there.

    • Knight October 24, 2011 at 10:38 am

      I can relate Temi, cant stand shelling also and my friends say am picky!!!!

    • Knight October 24, 2011 at 11:57 am

      I feel you Temi, cant stand shelling myself and pple say am being picky.

    • Bella Oma October 24, 2011 at 12:11 pm

      You are soooo right!!! lyk u stole these words right out of my mouth! *thumbs up*

    • Dayo October 25, 2011 at 6:12 pm

      You’re so on point

    • Ngozi October 27, 2011 at 4:08 pm

      This is so deep Temi, what a wonderful analogy, cheers

    • Olufunke December 31, 2011 at 10:54 am

      Nice one Temi, i so agree with you. For me a guy that shells a lot doesn’t make sense to me, all i see is the grammatical error nothing else make sense. To me one needs to get married to ones best friend, not necessarily a perfect person but someone that completes u as a person

  • izzy pizzy October 21, 2011 at 3:17 pm

    When you’re back home, the reality just hits you in the face, moreso its a bit more of a challenge when you work, except maybe weekends. So how i go take find bobo na??

  • Temi October 21, 2011 at 3:18 pm

    Sorry guys I just realised how long that comment is after sending… *runs away*

    • Anon October 21, 2011 at 6:43 pm

      Temi, I really like your comments. I think what you said about marrying upwards makes so much sense. The higher you are as woman (intellectually, physically, financially), the harder it is to find someone on the same plane or higher. I agree Nigeria is full of men but not all of them are eligible.

  • cathy October 21, 2011 at 3:18 pm

    lovely one

  • Chi-ka October 21, 2011 at 3:20 pm

    Very well-written o. I live abroad and about to turn jump the 25 line in a few months, so I know exactly what you are talking about. I think the expectations are the same regardless of where you are located. But the difference is the pressure that everyone places on you when you are back home. “My dear, when are you getting married? Show us the man now” etc. I’m going home for Christmas holz and I can’t say i don’t know these questions will come because THEY WILL lol. Some ladies stay away from home just cos they don’t want the pressure to get to them. Me, I’m going to see my family o, I can’t run! When the time is right and the man is right, it will happen as it is supposed to.
    As far as eligibility goes, it is safe to say that some ladies have unrealistic standards (and I say ladies because men operate on a different ‘level’). But what about those with realistic expectations and standards? My thing in life is never to shortchange yourself. Some ladies have done it and got married faster than lightening. Then what? It’s not whether a wedding occurs that matters, it’s who you are after the ‘I do’ that is the most important thing….my opinion. :)

  • World News October 21, 2011 at 3:30 pm

    Why not marry a foreigner?

  • cathy October 21, 2011 at 3:33 pm

    see wahala o

  • madman October 21, 2011 at 3:39 pm

    No man is going to come pick a woman up in his white horse and take her into his mansion to live happily ever after …….. kudos to author and interesting perspective. Poor people are more likely to get married sooner and have lots of kids because they have a different standard of living and a different guage of happiness….. its certainly NOT wealth, what a man has, where he lives, how he looks or what he wears. Unlike some folks, who just managed to travel abroad, they will come back and start doing yanga. – brb

  • chukwuka emegwoako October 21, 2011 at 3:43 pm

    Hold on one second! Is there a strict unwritten code that prohibits domestic maids–women, I must say–from engaging in a relationship? Why do bring your thoughts into everything you guys write? Whats up with you, Glory and TY anyway?

    • madman October 21, 2011 at 3:58 pm

      I see what you are saying but isn’t that the point of writing to express your thoughts…… abeg this is not a research paper. Its an opinion piece.

      • kd October 22, 2011 at 10:00 pm

        looool at “abeg this is not a research paper”

  • madman October 21, 2011 at 3:46 pm

    To address this question: Is education and exposure become a limitation to dating and getting married in Nigeria? NO, NO, NO, NO…………….. this is a myth. We must all remember, no one is perfect. Go down memory lane, who did you go to Primary school with, secondary school with, university, church ——- try to find men within your circles or siblings of people who can clue you up…. if you can connect the dots and keep your pride in the toilet, there’s hope for all single ladies out there. Don’t forget, there are more educated women than there are men…. so competition is fierce and trust: blue contact lenses, and Brazilian weaves are not going to cut it.

    • prasioe October 21, 2011 at 9:23 pm

      Make Sense!

    • Phat October 26, 2011 at 1:52 pm

      LMFAO @ blue contact and brazillian hair aint gonna cut it

  • vickie October 21, 2011 at 4:05 pm

    who is talking about dress here? abeg oooooo

  • Virgo October 21, 2011 at 4:05 pm

    Not quite sure what you are on about Jenny?!

    Back to the article: first time posting but a regular on the site.
    I think the author outlines some interesting points and quite valid, however can we outline the lack of ELIGIBLE WOMEN too. As a Guy, and single, i would like a woman who can “solve complex math equations, quote advanced physics in her sleep and is knowledgeable about world politics?” like the author puts it. plus I would like to believe that a lot of guys out there want the same too an its just a misconception that they don’t.

    • nefertiana October 21, 2011 at 5:42 pm

      i hate maths, cant quote advanced physics both awake or asleep but i know A LOT about World politics.do i still qualify?(SMILES BROADLY)

    • DJ October 21, 2011 at 6:35 pm

      You are kidding, right?

    • nefertiana October 21, 2011 at 6:41 pm

      @virgo: i hate maths,cant quote even rudimentary physics awake nor asleep but i know A LOT about world politics.Do i still qualify?(SMILES)

  • eesha October 21, 2011 at 4:06 pm

    Temi i feel u just couldnt stop laughing with the shelling man story. But come to think of it aunties nowadays have decide to don their matchmaking caps by force, some work out and some dont. I pray God delivers we naija gals from this settling down issue.

  • eesha October 21, 2011 at 4:06 pm

    *Decided*

    • Temi October 21, 2011 at 5:07 pm

      Its like all of us complaining about shelling men have been doing just that here LOL! Maybe God is trying to tell us something…

      • Ebony'n'Ivory October 22, 2011 at 4:24 am

        Lol! so true. I noticed almost every comment that said something about a guy shelling also had one or two ‘ibons’ in them. God must really be telling y’all something or maybe the guy’s shelling rubbed off on you ladies hahaha! Or better still maybe the shelling guy’s head don catch you :D

      • kd October 22, 2011 at 10:03 pm

        ROTFLMAO… laugh wan kill me..

  • A Girl October 21, 2011 at 4:19 pm

    Men, I feel you on this issue, Bisola oh! I too used to hear all those stories about how there were more marriageable men back home and how it wouldn’t be hard to meet someone so I too moved back home excitedly since I didn’t have a boyfriend almost throughout my years as a student in the States. Upon moving back home, I met lots of guys, dated quite a few and turned down quite a few more, lol. They were almost a dime a dozen and then seemingly all of a sudden (when I turned 27), they weren’t a dime a dozen anymore. They had started to settle down with the ‘wise’ girls who had not turned them down. Now, I’ll be honest when I say that I used to think I was not picky. I thought I was reasonable, after all I didn’t fashi guys because of their complexion or height, economic status or even their ethnic background (though I did tell one guy I couldn’t date him because my parents might have an issue with the fact that he was Ibo, though that was a lie; the guy just used to argue too much over small small things and therefore he was exhausting to talk to and I knew he’d argue with me over not wanting to continue seeing him so I just lied to get out of it.) Though I preferred a guy with ‘exposure’, I dated a fair number of guys who’d not schooled abroad and rarely travelled if at all so I really didn’t think I was picky….but I was overly scrutinizing over things like whether he ‘got me’ or whether he said the wrong thing or did not respond the way I would have liked to an issue I was going through, whether he shared my opinion on something. I was not very forgiving when they made mistakes. Long story short, there are different ways one can be picky not just only focusing on economic status or physical characteristics so I suggest that ladies (and men too) really search themselves deep down and be honest with themselves. We oftentimes have shortcomings that are not obvious to us and that are preventing us from being in a fulfilling relationship. I’m all for ladies loving themselves and having standards but sometimes we love ourselves a bit too much unknowingly. After dating my ‘perfect guy’ who ‘got me’, had exposure, good job, his own place, parents’ house in Parkview, moved in the right circles, called me every day and night, always took me out, never let me be in doubt about how he felt about me but dumped me when he wasn’t willing to work through our conflicts (normal relationship issues btw), my eyes cleared and I learnt that regardless of all those ‘specs’ that we have on our lists, it’s more important for people to want to ‘fight’ for their relationship, be understanding when others show their humanity by making mistakes (no one can get it perfect all the time not even us women) and be caring and willing to love the other to betterness, that’s what makes a woman attractive to a man (and a man to a woman). We won’t even have to compete with all the weave-swinging and contact-wearing babes out there. Mind you, being understanding of his mistakes doesn’t mean being a doormat and tolerating bad behaviour, sha. If he’s a dog, put him out. Quickly. But you get me, right? Lol. I’m engaged now to a wonderful man. Thank God for helping me to get it right after years of being back home.

    • tatafo October 21, 2011 at 7:00 pm

      20 gbosas for this. I’m just waking up to this reality

    • Girl 6 October 21, 2011 at 10:11 pm

      I am actually giving you a virtual hi-five. Your response has been the most honest. I have a lot of girlfriends who are very accomplished in their professional lives but are single and have been single for years. Some of us have tried to set them up to no avail and in talking to them, we have found that the reason these girls are single and might likely remain so is that they are unreasonably picky. Noone is asking you to marry the first bloke you find in the market but I believe that some of these single girls are focusing too much on the wrong things or on cosmetic things. Instead of focusing on his diction, why focus on how he treats you? does he love you? is he honest? Humble? does he have your back? those kinds of things. or na diction we go chop? abi will diction keep you warm at night?
      This is how people miss out on their blessings because it did not come in the package we were expecting.

    • Ready October 24, 2011 at 9:47 am

      *covering face in shame* That is so me. “He doesn’t get me”, “our brains aren’t compatible”, “his response was somehow”…is it too much to ask for men who get us tho? Maybe I need to change my ways. I’ve learned to stop spreading gist about how there are many eligible men back home sha, cause that na lie.

      • Ayoola October 24, 2011 at 1:29 pm

        Yes, it’s okay to want someone who gets you but don’t expect someone to be a mind-reader or to be exactly like you and share your every opinion, thought or life experience. Many people seem to expect this kind of thing from people they meet and date these days and I see it leaving a lot of them single. By the way, there’s nothing wrong in being single if that’s what a person wants but let’s face it, most people, myself included, want long-term companionship and in order to have a good relationship with anybody, you have to be understanding of the other person (and their mistakes) just as you want the other person to be understanding of you (and your mistakes). Long story short, if you want someone who gets you, you have to get them too.

    • rica October 28, 2011 at 2:20 am

      Wow, your comments are really honest. I don’t pick guys cos of diction, but more on how they treat me. My ex was not even working when we began dating, and we were together for 4 years, but his mum didn’t like the fact I am a Bini “babe”, so she gave her son the ultimatum, and we parted. I was with him all those years, not because he was the most handsome guy, but because of how he treated me. He was nice, spoke to me with respect and affection…However I began dating someone else a six months ago. He is richer and finer than my ex, but he talks to me like he is doing me a favor by dating me. I just can’t be myself around him, and he is so busy, he barely has time for me. He also wants to marry me, but right now, we ain’t even speaking to each other, because to me, my happiness and how a man treats me trumps his bank account. I don’t wanna have a man with a shit load of money that treats me as shit. So I am waiting to see if there is gonna be a change in his attitude, but I am doing that from a distance. I rather have a man who is comfortable, and yet I can relate with him, and be myself…

      • A Girl October 29, 2011 at 10:53 pm

        Good for you, Rica, that you value a man treating you respectfully more than his money. As important as money is in life, it’s not the most important in life or in relationships.

  • Mo October 21, 2011 at 4:26 pm

    i totally agree wiv the story of the ‘shelling’ guy. LOL. I’m in a similar situation right now. i lived in the UK for 2 years and just returned home. I haven’t got a boyfriend and i’m 27 btw. There’s this guy in London my cousin just ‘hooked’ me up wiv. To say this guy ‘shells’ is a gross understatement! he has never used the past tense ever since we got hooked up!!! and the sad part is that he’s so cute!! i know in my mind that i cannot date this guy much less marry him. I just cringe in fear whenever he calls or sends me BBM’s cos i know d onslaught of ibons will start!!!
    my mum has ‘almost’ give up on me cos i just give her a blank look whenever she asks ‘how far?’ these days. Poor woman, she already had all her kids at my age :((

    Anyways, i heard all sorts of comments from friends to strangers to relatives… d list is endless. Right now,i can’t be bothered cos i know i’m not gonna marry myself. i have cried myself to stupor on so many occasions that i really haven’t got any more tears left. i just want to be left alone right now; when the guy comes, oh well…. we’ll have the wedding!!!!

    • Ebony'n'Ivory October 22, 2011 at 4:33 am

      awww Mo, I feel your pain but you mentioned the shelling guy has never used a past tense and then shortly after you shelled yourself when you wrote, “my mum has ‘almost’ give up on me cos …” God is telling you and Temi something LOL! I guess it was a typo but it just goes to show how imperfectly perfect each one of us is.

      • kd October 22, 2011 at 10:09 pm

        ROTFLMAO… i was just about to write the same thing!!! y’all disclaiming “shelling-guys” have shelled too… LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL

    • Sbree October 25, 2011 at 4:22 pm

      lmao @Mo. It is well. I met a guy myself back in the university and his grammar was T.E.R.R.I.B.L.E but he was Mr Nice and really prospective. I remember how he used to help me carry my bag after a long day at school and spoil me silly with lil gifts and provisions. I never saw his good qualities then(until now) because his vocabulary totally killed me. Oh well, it’s too late to regret now, but still o, i’d rather date a vocab perfect guy. Overlooking ‘ibons’ is very very difficult and almost impossible.

  • nich October 21, 2011 at 4:33 pm

    chei…..this is one of the best article of i have ever read n relationship…

    qoute me anywhere….no man would ever resist a girl who is humble and dress modestly….talks less boastfully
    %6o of men when they are ready to get married would prefer a lady that would worship them….humility does not mean that you have lost ur personality or respect….this is what ladies do not understand……
    women when giving a little chance can be controlling…..this is what men are afraid of…..talking much about ur education, the car u may want to drive, who u have met scares men away….
    men want u to talk about ur education, dreams in life, but the don’t want u to be so attached to them……..they only want u to talk about how good u can cook for them, how u will raise their kids,……take care of their mother and then u can still pursue ur dreams

    • Zegzy October 21, 2011 at 8:48 pm

      Please, this is BULLSHIT. I am married and my husband encourages me to talk about my dreams and where I want to go in life. He does the same to. We spend our time talking about our future, not his dinner and being his mother. Rubbish.

      • K! October 22, 2011 at 4:55 pm

        Gbam!

      • toriola October 23, 2011 at 1:45 am

        200 gbosas for you.

  • madman October 21, 2011 at 4:42 pm

    whats up with all the abeg —- won’t you say what you have to.

  • Nobody October 21, 2011 at 4:43 pm

    Haven’t been back home in about 3 years, but the issues raised here are those constantly voiced my closed friends who have moved back. Things like the over aggressiveness of men when being sought after and the impatience towards a female who has an opinion is quite outstanding.

    I will have disagree with your overall comment about the the blue collar women. Perhaps I read understood you wrong but it seems that you are say saying that the reason why these women are in relationships/married is because of their lack of education. If this is the case, I have to say that it is presumptuous and have ignored other qualities that make (a woman regardless of education) desirable . It is prejudiced. The issue of education is an accessibility issue and has very little to do with the cognitive abilities of an individual.

    So may be the question we need to be asking is, what qualities these women have that make them have so many choices. We already know they’ll leave or won’t settle for a man that does not meet up to what their standards are ( as in the case of office cleaner, on husband # 2)

    - Female from NY

    • Cyber, Oko Alhaja November 1, 2011 at 5:17 pm

      Maybe the ladies who want to settle down should take time to find out from the type of men they would want to marry what those men look out for in a woman? Every rule has exceptions, but most Nigerian men do not want assetive women – interprete that anyhow you want, but if you are the kind of lady who has a ready response, a ready counter argument etc. you would be long on the shelf.

      There is this quality called ‘wife material’ – it is not an exact science, but to be a wife material, you need to recognise the man has the boss, you need to recognise your role as a helper and completer and not a competitor. Also all those dresses which leaves all the family jewels in full view will not do your case any good. The guy is looking for a home babe, who he can take home to show his mother and not a party babe. It is up to you to believe me or remain single!

  • Virgo October 21, 2011 at 4:53 pm

    Nich is spot on!

    • molly October 21, 2011 at 9:44 pm

      This is scary. There I was wondering what village the guy grew up in and you’re agreeing with him. Is this the type of dimwitted thing that goes on in you guys’ minds? Go home to your village to marry a wife jor, or try and design yourself a Stepford wife.

  • Ade October 21, 2011 at 4:58 pm

    i cant stop laughing at Temi who I got so interested in i decided to check her out but alas she was busy looking at herself in the picture
    sincerely, ladies I tire for guys oooo, the ones that are ready are not eligible, as in, something must be wrong, e.g i can stand a guy with the barest of mouth odour and there is no condescending about that. I think i will just have to wait for my Prince- Eligible…… or as I always say, I’ll just go for artificial insermination.
    All in all i wish all the single ladies success in them being sought after
    by the way i think there should b a limit to posting comment #justsaying

  • nengi October 21, 2011 at 4:59 pm

    ‘However, another question I’d like to ask is why do domestic maids always seem to have boyfriends?’
    My dear, Eligibility has different definitions in different dictionary, it all depends on the definition a particular person has chosen and how the person has chosen to interprete it. Now some people may want the exact definition while some other people may decide to settle for the ‘nearest in meaning’ if the exact definition is not available.lol. Also, as long as differences in social class continue to exist, Eligibility would continue to mean different things to different people. The maids and drivers get married because the ‘eligible’ people in their social class are more than those in the so called higher class. U do not have to have so much to be eligible to them because they really do not require much so to be eligible to them, u just need to provide the basic things in life. That said, am going to sit back and enjoy the comments

  • banke October 21, 2011 at 5:06 pm

    true tlk

  • nich October 21, 2011 at 5:08 pm

    mo…crying would not solve anything……be strong and u will arrive at ur dreams….

    the trick to mens’ heart is nothing but humility…again humility….one may still find a guy who does not shell but still he would not marry u…..

    have u ever wanted to apologize to a guy b4 and u knelt down on ur knees to do so….
    have u ever told him how to manage his income wisely and save….
    have u ever visited him and talked about doing his laundry with ur hands even though he has a washing machine…
    have u visited him and gone straight to the kitchen and wash his dishes….
    rather than just jumping inside his arms…talking about ur dreams and problems, talking about ur friends wedding and the best joint or place u want to go…..concentrate on the keys to his heart…..
    the maid servants only knows two major things…..how to clean, cook, keep the children and manage income. this is where their success story starts from b4 education and the rest of them…
    my niece only talks about her educational dreams and other dreams to her boyfriends….she is 23 now and studying big in the united states…and she has never had a steady boyfriend for 4months in a roll…..she is 23 and has heard about 6 serious boyfriends all off her life. she just lost the current one about a month ago…..she now believes that marrying an old man…probably a housa man would solve her problems….she is about to be done with school and she is already facing the same problems many nigerian and african ladies are facing here in the states…..she now hates being single like hell….she is now very lonely….and for the fact that she is super beauty is what makes it dramatic

    • Grace October 21, 2011 at 5:45 pm

      I dont agree with you Nich, so if i don’t wash my boyfriends clothes/plates, i’m not humble? ????

    • sweetie October 21, 2011 at 5:57 pm

      @ Nich wait, abeg i am still trying to process your comment o_O…..
      1. have u ever wanted to apologize to a guy b4 and u knelt down on ur knees to do so… because by sitting down and apologizing will not get the apology across or what please? or is the man also allowed to kneel and apologize to me too?, then no problem.
      2. have u ever visited him and talked about doing his laundry with ur hands even though he has a washing machine… because by washing his clothes with my hand will show my undying love for him that the washing machine wouldnt? or is he allowed to carry me on a cushioned sit on his back to wherever i want to go, even though he has a car? the no problem
      3. have u visited him and gone straight to the kitchen and wash his dishes…. no problem if he comes to visit me and goes straight to the garage to wash my car and tend to mow my lawn.
      4.the maid servants only knows two major things…..how to clean, cook, keep the children and manage income. this is where their success story starts from b4 education and the rest of them…okay now i want to know did you marry your /a maid?! …..please feel free to reply.

    • Thankyou Father October 22, 2011 at 11:16 pm

      have u ever wanted to apologize to a guy b4 and u knelt down on ur knees to do so….
      have u ever told him how to manage his income wisely and save….
      have u ever visited him and talked about doing his laundry with ur hands even though he has a washing machine…
      have u visited him and gone straight to the kitchen and wash his dishes….

      Nich, really? You are winding us up right? Really? No REALLY? It’ll impress you if your girl’s kneeling to apologise to you and handwashing your clothes? Really?

      God, thank you for the great man you blessed me with.

      I THINK I AM IN SHOCK. DEFINITELY TRAUMATISED BY NICH’S COMMENT.

    • feran October 24, 2011 at 4:40 pm

      Please go back to whatever cave u crept in from. All you want is a doormat and not a real woman

    • Dayo October 25, 2011 at 6:42 pm

      Abeg o.wash his cloths,go straight to his kitchen to cook? Chei,if I write what’s really on my mind,whahala go start but all am going to say is that a girl that will do all that for you without you caring to listen to her dreams and support her too is DESPERATE & has a LOW SELF ESTEEM. just saying

    • Stunned! January 23, 2013 at 8:55 pm

      What nonsense!!!!!! A woman is not obligated to do anything for the man before she gets married to him. If she wants to, it should be because she wants to help and not out of obligation. Who’s chasing who?? Humility, being supportive and loyalty are all important but our grandparents who did not allow the girl to visit the man before the bride price and even before the traditional wedding were not stupid and yet they could still seive the good wives from the not so good ones. It’s now us with two heads that should throw away our hard earned degrees and dreams to come and do laundry woman because we are desperate for husband??? That’s just wrong on every level!!! How many boxers will you wash before you enter your husband’s house?? That’s besides the free food, free sex, even free money sometimes. Nawa oh. We might as well buy the ring and go down on one knee and propose. The last time I checked, the man was meant to chase the girl and prove he’s right for her while analysing in more subtle ways if she’s right for him till the WEDDING day not till she agrees to DATE then the roles get reversed! All that house work doesn’t prove anything either, the so called ‘humble washwoman’ you’ve married could well end up have been pretending and may end up being the wicked witch of the west who will give you hell or leave you when things are tough. And then the nice dignified girl who refused to take out your trash (because your hands were paining you abi?) is the one who would have stayed with you through thick and thin while you both grow through the years. As I said, if a lady wants to do all this, should be a favour and to help sometimes and not to prove anything. What you’ve suggested is just plain silly!

  • sweety October 21, 2011 at 5:10 pm

    Nich BS! I am married to a fantastic man who let’s me be myself and pursue my career. I’m married to a man who is confident in himself to let me be the best I can be because I have shown him, he and our family comes first and I don’t believe he is an exception there are many men like him out there. we as women should be ready to be humble and submissive. But dat doesn’t mean we should turn ourselves to mumus becos we want to be married

  • nengi October 21, 2011 at 5:10 pm

    correction * different dictionaries*

  • Violet October 21, 2011 at 5:27 pm

    My dears this ‘singility’ problem doesn’t only exist in naija oh. Where I come from is baddd. There are so many single girls here and they are all asking the same questions ‘when will my own come’?. The guys here are nt serious at all, all they want is to get into ur pants and next! they go. I’m 26yrs old and I’ve been single for a year now, all i get from pple is oh u’re so picky. Can’t a girl have some standards? abeg dey should leave me alone, i just want a guy i can really like, have fun with and don’t get tired of seeing his face every day. Is tht too bad to ask for? mscheww

  • nich October 21, 2011 at 5:36 pm

    i have just put in my machineries to get married to a nija babe…i have not met anyone yet…but i have informed friends….i told my friends that i want a girl averagely humble ……to cap it all i said whether educated or not does not matter….
    it is only my lady friends that had problems with this and not the guys….my lady friends who are quite educated thought that i would come after them because of their huge dreams and exposure….these things does not always work like that…
    out of the 9 qualities that i have listed that i love in a woman…..i only desire too the most….average humility and average godliness….they are most powerful to grow within….
    those of u ladies who live abroad,….ur case is quite understandable…….but tell urself the truth, learn the truth and live in it and u will be free and then ur man would fall into ur arms….
    and ladies who are young 19-24 pls think and act in time……
    men for marriage are becoming scarce and exactly knows what they want…..
    isaiah 4v1
    In that day seven women will take hold of one man and say, “We will eat our own food and provide our own clothes; only let us be called by your name. Take away our disgrace!”

    • zahra October 21, 2011 at 7:31 pm

      PLESE I HOPE YOU DON’T TEACH YOUR DAUGHTERS AND SONS TO BE AVERAGE

    • diana October 22, 2011 at 9:51 am

      lol @Nich… I think I have finally decoded your level. You are at the bottom of the pyramid but you are wallowing in self pity in your inability to pull someone high up. My own advice to young ladies between 19 -24,who Nich feels should rush into marriage, please focus on developing yourselves cos if you jump into marriage you will end up with a man like Nich.

      • K! October 22, 2011 at 4:56 pm

        Nice one!

    • Dayo October 25, 2011 at 6:47 pm

      Well,it seems your standards are average.Goodluck

  • Patience October 21, 2011 at 6:03 pm

    Regardless of what continent or country you reside, we all face the same relationship dilemma.

    Being in a relationship is such a beautiful ride, if you’re with the right person. I truly believe that God has someone special for everyone. There is a special Adam and special Eve for all the single ladies and gentle men. It’s all about being patient. *Patience is a virtue*, while waiting don’t settle for *Mr. right now or Miss pretty close* work on developing yourself in every aspect of life, spiritually, financially, educationally, physically………..etc. Keep in mind there’s always going to be pressure from the society, including families and friends, but stick to your decision and know your worth. #mypersonalthought.

    • Larrydavy October 21, 2011 at 9:00 pm

      I disagree with the notion that there’s only one “right person”; I used to hold that view, however, when I took a class on communication, I decided that, as the professor said, there are several “right person [s]” out there.

      The professor emphasized throughout the class the importance of approaching relationships with an attitude of understanding, sensitivity, and willingness to work through problems, because problems will always arise. BTW, I’m a guy.

    • prasioe October 21, 2011 at 9:11 pm

      Good points u mentioned Patience!!!

  • LWKMD October 21, 2011 at 6:24 pm

    Its amusing how these days, I keep stumbling on articles / discussions on “how Men are hard to find”. Ha, the blessings of being a Man – you could do single for years and(asides the occasional nosy aunts), you would get on just fine + when you are ready to marry, its not so “hard-boiled” – girls at a certain age seem to really “behave themselves” – they suddenly like PS3 and Man U . . . The problem with this urban educated women mostly boils down to too many tick-boxes. For most Guys, as long as she can speak okay english (kini exacerbate???), is humble, comes from a sensible family, can cook, has got decent miles (!!!) and is not shabby looking, she is good to marry, and lets face it, these women are not exactly in short supply (*cough* “decent miles” ). I guess the task of finding a marriageable Man would be easier sans the many deceivers out there but alas, most Men have literally had to die at the hands of some lady and have been re-born with oju-eje (i.e sans remorse) . The onus thous falls on Babes to change their strategy – for one, how about changing your hunting grounds from the socially incestuous lekki-ikoyi-V.I triangle to say Ikeja – or even Abeokuta? Just saying . . .

    • fara October 22, 2011 at 1:54 pm

      “Decent miles”…personally I’ve met all sorts of guys. …as a very beautiful intelligent young lady,I can barely step in2 a gathering without aving guys drool and go 2 any length 2 get my number…now this just means that guys who luckily get 2 meet me aithr thru a friend or just has a right approach wud come with d intentions of doing anything just 2 get in2 ur pants…as a gullible lady who is so trusting I tend 2 blive some of them and one thing leads to another he has what he wants n then he either runs or I find out his married ,engaged or something close..does this make me a whore ?so pls b4 u judge people and the amount of pple they ave slept with take time ore important things like compatibility n tins..P.S some guys even claim shots these days..dis I say some?MOST. My fellow ladies I lie???

      • Cyber, Oko Alhaja November 1, 2011 at 5:29 pm

        Fara,

        Keep your legs closed? Anyman asking for sex before marriage will sleep with you and go away. Zip it up.

  • LWKMD October 21, 2011 at 6:32 pm

    P.S: I also find this whole “no Man” cry a bit surprising ‘cos I know/have a lot of nice, decent, good looking, professional friends who are single (albeit not really searching) + the number of weddings among peeps I know these days makes me feel like everyone in Lagos is getting married – its kinda hard to fathom why some people would still be searching.

    • Knight October 24, 2011 at 2:55 pm

      Yep! There are loads of eligible professional men in Naija – well educated, good jobs, decent upbringing, good diction (lol),well travelled/exposed and above all God fearing.
      They usually don’t appear searching but are ready to take the plunge with the right person.
      What are they always on the lookout for – good character (which seems to be in short supply these days)
      What aren’t they comfortable with- unrealistic expectations/demands of our ladies.

      Wont be such a bad idea if ladies start working on their inner self and perhaps change current areas of shopping as suggested.

    • Lepacious November 21, 2011 at 9:13 pm

      OMG, ur comment is hilarious,gt me rolling on d floor but its kinda tru tho

  • Marock October 21, 2011 at 6:46 pm

    Temi, Temi, Temi! Usaid it all! It’s all about the pyramid. Population size reduces as you go up, so… The cleaner, she’s got the driver, the guard, u name it. If u think about it, you can have theguard and all the others if you wanted, only; you don’t! So its definitely more difficult.

  • amethyst October 21, 2011 at 6:49 pm

    this article hits the nail on the head

  • DJ October 21, 2011 at 6:56 pm

    Nigeria is a good place to date. So many of us looking for the right girl. Keep your fingers crossed, we will find you.

  • Marock October 21, 2011 at 6:59 pm

    @ LWKMD. I reeeally just want to stangle you! But dt’s bc you are soo right, n its unfair! The amount of bull a sister’s ready to swallow just to be called ‘Mrs’ definitely increases with age. They say a girl is like a rose and a boy like wine. That prettty much summarises it. That it is true, doesn’t making it any less annoying, and d last couple of phrases aren’t helping…

  • candy October 21, 2011 at 7:01 pm

    Great write up. As much as I agree with the content of the piece, I disagree with a few things. The conclusion says that patience is the solution. Patience ke? Have you not bn patient enough? Patience is not the solution! Re evaluation of your self and what your wants/needs are is what you should do. As many women that cry “no good men”, there are many other young ladies in their 20′s who don’t seem to have any issues snagging eligible men. Don’t mean to be harsh BUT, at what point do you look in the mirror and realize that the problem is in there?

    Demand and supply o. If you are not supplying what is in demand, NA U GO CARRY LAST!

    • prasioe October 21, 2011 at 9:06 pm

      Candy, I agree when you said “As many women that cry “no good men”, there are many other young ladies in their 20′s who don’t seem to have any issues snagging eligible men”. I would say I’m in my early 20, eligible guys approach me some many times. At one point, I even got confused on who is right & who I really want to spend the rest of my life with. What I deserve now is that if u’re a single lady as I’m & guys are approaching you. Just try to be friend with them…just friend o (nothing more, no sex or whatever o). If you tell them that you’re not ready & they go, gal u might find it difficult to find someone eligible again o. Just my own piece of advice…ofcus, involve GOD in this friendship o. #out of here#

    • Baale October 22, 2011 at 10:09 am

      GBAM!!!

  • quebeecee October 21, 2011 at 7:36 pm

    i don laff tire..all d single ladies..all the single ladies..put ur hands up…God’s time is the best oh

  • quebeecee October 21, 2011 at 7:36 pm

    i don laff tire..abeg dj come and find me oh

    • DJ October 21, 2011 at 7:56 pm

      Hey, be careful what you wish for, you just might get your wish.

  • Mary007 October 21, 2011 at 7:54 pm

    Well written in a light hearted matter. You have said it all, in order to avoid divorce or separation in the long run, it’s better to marry like minds, education, life experiences mind you I didnt add family background cos I believe people from different backgrounds but share similar experiences can marry. Like a man from a poor background but don go school and is working can marry a girl from a rich background cos there is a similarity there…education and so many more. My advice to single women there is no specified age a girl must be married, if that’s what you want, believe it would happen and trust me it would

  • Go Speed Dater! October 21, 2011 at 8:15 pm

    Guys also have the same problem too, finding a wife material lass to marry. The problem is one of quality and not quantity.

    Girls, girls, girls. In cities like Lagos, Port-Harcourt and Abuja, single girls boku. And that is not even adding Owerri (Nigeria’s own version of Las Vegas). There are bevies of ladies everywhere – in traffic, weddings and events, malls, cinema, offices, Zenith Bank Customer services, Bank PHB Head-quarters, church..Go to TPH on a Sunday, and you would be like a cow in the field (ok, sorry wrong analogy). Ok you would be like a possum caught in the headlights at night. There are so many young women everywhere that you may end up doing nothing. And nothing comes from nothing. According to a 2009 American Community Survey, there are 131,548 more single women than men in New York City. Big deal?

    Disregard our Nigerian Census Board, there are more than 200 million people in Nigeria. Everyone has a relative in Lagos, so there must be at least 10-15 million people in Lagos. Let’s just estimate conservatively that half are women and one-eight are singles of marriageable age. Dude, that is about 250,000 single women. And that is not even counting those in the UK, US and Canada.

    http://woahnigeria.wordpress.com/2011/03/09/the-one-ness/

  • SmartBeautifulSingleandFrustrated October 21, 2011 at 8:56 pm

    This article is so SPOT ON. As my username suggests I’m what many would call beautiful, intelligent, personable and fun to be with but I am also VERY VERY VERY VERY single. I cannot emphasise it enough because it is frustrating beyond words. I have’nt had sex in 4years beacuse Im waiting for “the one”. Within these 4 years I’ve become a Doctor, I’ve bought my dream house, my salary bracket has increased to a level I cannot stop thanking God for and yet there is no one, ABSOLUTELY no one to share it with. Not because I dont meet guys, its because I dont meet ELIGIBLE guys who are not already taken or just out to mess around with ur mind. Bottom line is I would trade my degree and everything else to be in a happy, loving relationship. THAT is the truth.

    • beau October 21, 2011 at 9:29 pm

      And then if you had that perhaps you’ld want to trade that in for the job and income you have now? Yes, no?

    • busola October 22, 2011 at 12:52 am

      Bless you sweetie… I am also on the road to being a doctor and I’m praying I wouldn’t regret it. I am 21 and have only had 2 proper relationships. I am about rounding up my medical science degree before med school…and I and my friends rant almost everyday about how we are not seeing the guys we want, especially because we are scientists, we want people that are well educated. I still get a lot of ‘you are very pretty, why are you still single… ‘ but they are coming from the wrong people :(

    • toriola October 22, 2011 at 11:08 pm

      Wow! I consider myself successful with dream eveyrthing. and though single, i will not, and i repeat emphatically, I WILL NOT trade anything i own today to add and MRS to my title. heck nah. God never makes mistakes and the truth is some things in life can wait whereas some can’t wait. what i mean by this is that, what i have accomplished in my life time, is hard work, devotion, focus and committment. i can get married and have kids and it wouldn;t matter at what age i did so. in fact, then, i will be married, acccomplished and with kids. now if i had been married with kids and not successful career wise, i can’t wake up one day and catch up careeer wise. thats what i tell me “friends turned bullies” . i say look, what i have earned from a career stand point, y’all cant now go to evening school and earn it and all of a sudden catch up with me. however, when i get married (very soon to God’s glory as the one has found me), i will catch up with you guys but you will all still be envirous of my career accomplishment. my dear, be thankful that while you are waiting for the right man, your time wasn’t wasted. you have great accomplishments to show for it

    • Rook October 24, 2011 at 12:09 pm

      where are you shopping dear? There are lots of eligible men out there.

    • abeke November 23, 2011 at 5:59 pm

      I think you are still too young to think like this. Wait for your time, your very OWN will cum in God’s good time.

  • Jade October 21, 2011 at 8:59 pm

    Amazing, shelled, bothered, bombarded, wow. It makes me so happy to be living where i am in Jamaica. Marriage is important dont get me wrong, but a single woman is not a disease that needs to be rid of. I feel for all my sngle ladies 25 and over who are bombarded with questions like how far, everytime the go home. I understand its well-meaning but, it must be quite tiresome. I do hope that you all realise that being single is a blessing just as being married. It is the period when you get to know oneself. If and when you all get married, it will be for the best reason: it was meant to be. Keep strong my sisters and hold on, their is a light shining at the end of the tunnel.

    • molly October 21, 2011 at 9:58 pm

      Thank you. Marriage isn’t an achievement. It’s better to be single and happy than trapped in a hellish marriage, forget what anyone says. Don’t let the pressure get to you.When anyone asks why I’m still single, I just tell them I’m waiting on God or I havn’t found the right person. It’s as simple as that.

    • rica November 3, 2011 at 3:35 am

      Thank you very much my sister. I don’t have anything against marriage or being single, however in naija, that’s the best accomplishment according to the society. But being single is when you really have time to discover your self more, know what you want in life, while waiting for the right person to come. We all wanna marry a good man, but some how, some of us settle for less (and when I mean less, I am not speaking in financial terms, but character, his attitude towards you) simply because time is going or you are sick of people asking you “when” . I am upset cos many Nigerians I know got married or are getting married for the wrong reasons (I got pregnant for him, I am getting older, He is rich, My mother is disturbing me etc). You wanna know how unhappy many Nigerian marriages are, go read the other story on the financial matter here on bella naija (The one about a lady collecting rent from her husband). While that story may be untrue, the comments following the story shows the pathetic state and mindset of a typical Nigerian marriage. I look forward to getting married some day, cos Its nice to share your life with someone. However, I don’t wanna share my life in a miserable manner with someone, and unfortunately, that’s how some of these marriages are. The sad part is that, even your best friend would not tell you what they are passing through. We only rely on facebook photos (that show the good sides of cause) and begin pitying ourselves. I want a man who is first godly and understands his role as a man (provider, protector), gentle, comfortable ( I intend to work too, so I would support him but if God brings him very rich, I would also give thanks), knows how to treat a lady right and some one I can have intellectual and social conversations with. Now he doesn’t have to be tall, dark, handsome cos at the end of the day, there’s more to marriage than looks, but he should be at least presentable, and educated (Bachelors level). I am praying for him to find me soon, as I continue to improve on myself and character (especially patience). I pray God is working on him too. All of you doing diction here and there, are the ones that end up marrying the “smooth talkers” (the heart breaker kind). You all better refresh your marital list oh, cos diction would not protect you when the storms of life come.

  • Jade October 21, 2011 at 9:00 pm

    @smartbeautifulsingleandfustrated LOLOLOLOLOLOL

  • flakky October 21, 2011 at 9:12 pm

    Hummm good points made… i like this post.

  • Chinazar October 21, 2011 at 9:33 pm

    This is so hilarious, the comments especially.
    Nich, you are simply unbelievable! Can’t believe you think the way you do #sighs#

  • miii October 21, 2011 at 10:01 pm

    Marriage is not how fast but how well…

  • dorothy October 21, 2011 at 10:13 pm

    @sweetie, you r so on point….i love ur comments. u just summarised d tots i had after readin nich’s comments in a beta n funnier way. Lmao.

  • miii October 21, 2011 at 11:46 pm

    Jesus! This Nich is more old fashioned than my great great grand father. Its people like you with ur ancient believes that are against female empowerment and education. U forgot to add that when you finish eating the woman should pat your back and make sure the food digests. With all the comments I have read from you, I won’t mind knowing who you are just so I and anyone close to me will totally avoid you. Good luck in ur search for your dimwitted door mouse

  • faith October 22, 2011 at 12:27 am

    Y do single girls feel dey will b happy wen D̶̲̥̅̊ε̲̣̣̣̥γ̲̣̣̥ get married…am in ♍γ̲̣̣̥ second marriage n am only 27yrs old…getting married ȋ̊§ very easy n it doesn’t make U̶̲̥̅̊ happier…♍γ̲̣̣̥ advice τ̅☺ single ladies plsssss enjoy your life now U̶̲̥̅̊ ve got it, smile a lot n always let d man feel special n loved n let him think he ȋ̊§ teaching things even if U̶̲̥̅̊ already know all n I bet U̶̲̥̅̊ with 3months U̶̲̥̅̊ r married…I am a graduate n av done ♍γ̲̣̣̥ masters….even if I leave dis ♍γ̲̣̣̥ marriage today I don’t av any fear…I know I will still meet some1 else…I feel like I know d secret of getting married now.

  • BukiOni October 22, 2011 at 12:32 am

    “The Lord is soon coming and it won’t matter if you are married or not.” 1 Corinthians 7:29 #just saying
    http://www.emblemofbeauty.blogspot.com/

  • Fumi October 22, 2011 at 12:39 am

    mi love thiss!!!

  • sarah October 22, 2011 at 12:41 am

    girl 6, a big kudos to you.lord please help me to know when to draw the line between settling for less and being humble.
    but honestly, shelling puts me off, once dated a guy, who couldn’t use past ense very well.the first day, he asked me HOW DID YOUR DAY WENT’. i was in shock.he said over and over again.TO think he went to university, works with a reputable company, i just couldnt reconcile the two. at point thot i could correct him in love, but wasn’t sure how he would take it.

  • sarah October 22, 2011 at 12:48 am

    forgive my typographical error.

  • J. S. Talabz October 22, 2011 at 2:29 am

    “Can he just be BREATHING?
    looooool
    this was a good write-up, anyway this is Bella Naija so I expect nothing less. Its unfortunate the way the dating situation is in Nigeria, and it seems to favor men and put women at a disadvantage. oh well.

  • muna October 22, 2011 at 4:00 am

    You naija single girls are too picky especially when it comes to religion and tribe.anyway there are lots of single guys out there looking for a wife.

  • Miss B October 22, 2011 at 6:20 am

    I always read these articles bt neva commentd.had 2 make an execptn with .single ladies evry where discuss one thing most of the time n dat is Where Are the Single Men.i used to v a laid bck approach abt dating n marriage.was of d opinion dat everytin had its own tym.a few ago,i ws more concernd abt makin gud grades dating.while i my red lite ws on(wanting to make my parents proud) ,the smarter girls had their amber n green lites on.those girls r the ones gettn married evry saturday.the ironic tin is dat my ‘proud parents’ r now askn wat i ws doin while in school dat i cudnt meet gud guys.imagine dat.(laughing in greek) honestly ,i tink there r females who genuinely want to settle dwn bt for unavaliabity of eligible guys beliv me dat these females v wat it takes to b gud wives..for eg,i liv in portharcourt ,where most guys prefer dumb, fickle minded loose girls to cerebral females.so wat will d serious ladies do?hide their intelligence? I knw they r ladies who r single because of their unrealistic list,tall ,dark,handsome,loaded,rich family etc.a friend turnd dwn a Mr potential who didnt fit in& he ‘landed’ an oil company job wit a ‘killer salary’ and d pecks.she want to return bt d guy is engagd *sad*.my advice to all single ladies lyk me is to kip waitn on d lord and try to b open minded in their criterias bt dont settle.as for family n relatives always adopt d ‘God will do it and rember me in ur prayers’.it works lyk magic. PS: i’m sorry abt d length,jst had plenty to say.

  • Rukky October 22, 2011 at 8:49 am

    Oh my! Thank you very much for posting this article…..It basically voices my inner thoughts…I am ashamed to say that I am one of those naiive people who thought that there were an array of boys to choose from back in Nigeria…I keep telling my friends that “I would have no trouble finding a husband if I were back home in Nigeria” . However, it is even more saddening to know that the grass in not greener on the other side and I cannot just go back home and find myself a husband :(

    • Rook October 24, 2011 at 12:01 pm

      There are eligible guys in Naija…You just have to know where to shop…

  • imy October 22, 2011 at 9:35 am

    I remember when a pastor visited our home n found me stepping out, and he asked where re u going? and i said school …he said re u doing yr first degree?…i said no my m..s.c and he said who will marry u with all this degree u re acquiring…i felt d shock n told my self wat if u hv no m.s.c and no husband…..so u can see wat runs in people’s brains even men of God……dear single sisters if ur picky pls be ,bc marriage is nt picnic its a serious affair…yr hapiness is paramount not d society…i lv u all.

  • Simply me October 22, 2011 at 11:29 am

    Great article! I think God has a plan for everyone and whatever stage you are in your life just be glad and rejoice in it. The grass is not alway greener on the other side. Marriage is not easy and takes patience, tolerance and alot of communication. I say stay prayerful and let God lead you to the right person. I can relate to this article because I think since i have been back in Naija, girls just get married to keep up with the competition. It took me 6 years to say I do because I wasn’t really sure if I could see forever. I was engaged for 4 years and people called me crazy. No one should be just willing to say I do without thinking twice. Stay focus and don’t settle. Think of being single as God creating the right person for you and he is being designed in the process.

  • HoneyDame October 22, 2011 at 1:05 pm

    Nawa o!!!LMAO

  • Ayo Fashola October 22, 2011 at 5:49 pm

    I like this article. First of all Ladies, are you even attracting men? When I was in Nigeria earlier this year, I met a young lady who out of 7 sisters (all in their late 20s and 30s) only 1 was married. I asked her, “Are you even attracting men?” She said, “No…men do not even approach me.” Ladies, how are you dressing? How are you carrying yourself? When I was in Lagos, the amount of women that look like hookers and prostitutes was outstanding. The amount of ladies that looked like they only wanted a good time was OMG, with weaves cascading down their backs, red lipsticks and dresses so short I could see their ass crack. In the US, women do the opposite and that’s why they are single, they completely lack sex appeal…Nigerian women and Black American are on both ends of the spectrum. One overly trendy and the other boring looking and homely.

    Attraction is the first step. You want to project an image that fits, flatters and conveys the image you want to project, because my father says the way you carry yourself is the way a man will carry you. 2nd..Nick is right. What he is talking about is HUMILITY. I was guilty of this. Walking around with my degree and my small business making money with the attitude, “I don’t need a man” like, “What do you want, how much you got?, what can you do for me?,” It is now that I am realizing the value of a humble spirit. Where can you be of value in a man’s life? Is there a single man you know that is going to school and does not have time to clean his place? Is he working to climb that ladder, but does not have time to cook? Can you as a woman give without expecting anything in return? Out of all the single men you know, how can you meet their needs? You cannot have want you want (Marriage) if you are not willing to meet the needs of the single men around you. Be a woman of grace and value and add to the men in your life, God will see your heart as the man saw Rebecca’s heart by the well and gave her Isaac and your own will be given to you. As John Randolph Price said in his book Self-Mastery…If you want more, give more where you are.

    • @ Ayo October 25, 2011 at 12:20 pm

      Ayo are you married? if not, kindly send me a mail on mailmeayo@yahoo.com
      thanks dear

    • rica November 3, 2011 at 3:51 am

      Ayo, I used to cook, clean, mop, wash, do all the things you listed for my exes (2 btw). So my dear, that doesn’t make it, cos sometimes, the men even demean you when you start doing that. My first boyfriend made a mockery of me. Infact when we were in school and he’s ill, I would cook, take to boys hostel for him (and this is a private university where all the girls formed so I was very unique), and when I am gone, he and his friends would laugh @me. Many of my friends that treated men like crap, did aristo and stuff, are the ones that got married first. But I don’t allow such things bother me though, cos I have already told God what I want in a man. My point is, meeting a man’s needs as you put it, sometimes make you look desperate. So offer what you can, be yourself, and if the man loves and wants you, let him marry you. Then he can have the full package..

  • Ayo Fashola October 22, 2011 at 5:55 pm

    The thing you ladies need to understand is that breathing, sex, food, shelter, water, sleep, homostasis, and excretion are NEEDS http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow's_hierarchy_of_needs. If a man wants sex from you, its because he is trying to meet a need and its not personal. If you are not willing to meet his sexual needs, meet another need. He will find someone to meet his sexual need; it doesn’t have to be you. How can you make his life easier? What other needs can you fill? If you are not willing to meet any needs, you will never be up for consideration in the area of marriage. The more needs you are able to meet for a man, the higher your chances of marriage. Just be mindful to hold some things back so that he has to marry you if he wants you to meet ALL OF HIS BASIC NEEDS.

  • amaka October 22, 2011 at 6:24 pm

    oh boy! i havent had this much fun reading and aritcle before.

  • virgo October 22, 2011 at 8:42 pm

    Yes oh, world politics will do just fine
    @Nefertiana

    Nice points Go speed Dater

  • kd October 22, 2011 at 10:26 pm

    now it’s time for my comment!! LOL.. i spent almost an hour reading the comments. this may sound silly but i was gonna type almost exactly what @smartbeautifulsingle…. and @busola wrote…medical doctor to be, being single for 2yrs.. dated out of pity(in which i simply cant help but say i regret it).. get asked by guys why a pretty girl like me is single(uncomfortable qstn btw). well well well, bottom line, I’M BEING PATIENT. and if being patient means no eligible guy till next 10yrs, like i’ll always say, Lord, let your will be done. whether i’m being picky or not . shikena

  • toriola October 22, 2011 at 10:59 pm

    when you examine the single over 30 yrs old naija women…it’s mainly the educated and upwardly mobile ones. if you leave it at a bachelors degree…you will be more than likely married before you turn 30. our men, as much as they would like to think they are ready to handle a career driven and upwardly mobile woman, are in all honesty not ready to handly a powerful woman wiht competitive potential. the average nigerian man was raised by women who were homemakers. so the idea that a woman will not be dependent on them is still very novel to them. it doesn’t help that in nigerian churches…they reassure these men that they are the head and that their wives must submit to them. the truth is only someone below you, can submit to you. that;s jsut human nature. slaves submit to their masters. the men who view marriage as equal partnership will have no problem marrying an upwardly mobile woman. however, the ones that are looking for someone who will submit to them (medevial mentality if you ask me) will not find the successful and accomplished women as desirable. my two cents

  • Bola October 23, 2011 at 1:37 am

    Seems like there are a lot of single, beautiful, and accomplished women in Nigeria and the diaspora that read bellanaija. Even more so the relationship posts, I think it would make sense for Bella to start an online match making service as you also have an healthy following of single men. Who knows it might just work . My two cents about this dating issue is this; ‘ to thine own self be true ‘. Each and everyone of us that’s still single and searching, we need to do a self evaluation, are we the being the problem, rather than being the SOLUTION. May God help us all.

    • LWKMD October 24, 2011 at 8:55 am

      No right-thinking Dude would join an online dating service in Nigeria – unless he is looking to get “kpekus”, and ifthat be the case, he better not use his picture or real name – especially if he lives in Lagos (the shame . . .). The only Men you would see genuinely looking for love on the internet in Nigeria are bound to have “comma” – and I’m not talking about being shy.

      • Rook October 24, 2011 at 12:33 pm

        You are obviously living in the Naija of the 70′s pls…..Lots of guys are correctly on existing online dating services without ‘commas’ and with good intention also. We have even seen some getting married, so move with the times.

  • Qutey October 23, 2011 at 3:34 pm

    Omo na die o, I guess I should be thankful den for having a man who loves me silly… I dont want to write too much , but I would say though dat we chics need to chill a bit…above all else I keep praying to God for d wisdom to handle my rship right. I tink we over-analyse n over-think every single thing these days n we very often judge our rships by the expectations of pple other than ourselves… Men n women alike all got our issues but we must return to d place of truth n individuality; n hate it or love it but doing God’s will for men/women helps more than anything else… Men cannot refuse to provide/care/protect etc, their loved ones, as women cannot refuse to nuture/support/release control to a trusted partner etc; and den expect things not to get bad… we must retrieve the basic values, when dat is lost no amount of education/career/beauty can help u… I am a 26yr old very driven, enlightned/educated in d best schools kinda girl, but I know dat dats not enuf to keep a gud man. U have to have in urself the kind of attributes u’re seeking in other people, anything short of dat just wont cut it. I pray everyday for God to make me aware of my salient faults n I am a constant work in progress….. too much said, sorry…God b wit us all…Ciao!

  • sussy October 23, 2011 at 6:54 pm

    abeg o i don dey catch fear o.lol

  • Mabel October 24, 2011 at 8:11 am

    When a woman finds joy within and is full of love, peace and joy it will shine through her and light up the entire universe and that is enough. Anybody waiting on a marriage or children to get happy first and enjoy their life is a person who is doomed. That’s why so many marriages are headed for divorce these days, ppl are rushing into marriage just to take the stigma of singlehood off them, then down the road they realize they made a dumbass decision. I AM ENOUGH, I am created in the image and likeness of my Creator. I AM ENOUGH, I do not need society, family or religion to validate my existence, or determine my worth. My worth was determine before my conception, I was found worthy, formed and shaped in love and given an eternal place among All that is.

    May those seeking marriage find a good partner, and may those for whom it is not the top priority of their existence find that which they seek.

  • Longrod October 24, 2011 at 12:59 pm

    all i can say is you have to use ur instincts there are no perfect guys so u ladies have to become a little more aggressive with the hints, text msgs and phone calls. dont be too demanding, ur mr right might not have a car or a job at this moment but he has a bright future. all the best

  • James October 25, 2011 at 2:14 am

    Best relationship I ever had was with the maid. If I knew then what I know now, I would have married her. She gave me zero problems. Like the author of the article and another member (“Temi”) commented, the maid is at the base and has a large pool to choose from. In the relationship, I’m the educated one and she surely appreciated it. She cooked for me, did my laundry and sex was never a problem. We rarely ever had any argument. My biggest mistake was listening to my family…. You know, “did you get all this education to settle for a maid.” In hindsight, I should have listened to the little voice in my head. When I compare her to the educated girls (the ones with the Masters and PHDs, Doctors and lawyers, etc), she was simply the best. Because the educated woman brings just as much to the table as I do, there is a constant struggle in the relationship for supremacy. They are forever looking up the food chain. I am equally not happy because they don’t seem to appreciate what they have. They show little or no respect and are constantly mouthing off. What a nightmare. And if that isn’t enough, throw in the Western education, and you have to contend with the confused gender roles. Guys, if you are looking for a girl to marry, find one that has less than you. If you have a bachelor’s degree, look for one with an associate degree or high school. And never neglect the maid. A maid with good values will always adore you. Besides they will choose an educated man any day over madam’s driver or a megad. Finally, a maid will someday be someone’s wife and mother. At that time, it really wouldn’t matter what social background they came from.

    • Mabel October 25, 2011 at 5:57 am

      I know of a doctor who married a woman who was a street side seller. The relationship did not work because the doctor is perverse sexually, and she could not handle his strange sexual taste. Unfortunately, they divorced.

      Titles are just that, titles. The spiritual connection between two ppl should always trump everything else. After all, you will see this person everyday for the rest of your life, is this the face and voice you want to see and hear daily? The one aspect of your story I did not appreciated was that you seemed to objectify the maid and only mention the things that she did for you physically to make you happy. I know you are male, and men are ego based, but it would have been nice to read about the inner qualities of the maid that made her a desirable partner outside of serving your physical needs. Perhaps you did not appreciate her enough in her being as an equal spiritual partner in the union. Well, if you believe in reincarnation maybe you can make it right with her in the next life and live the bliss that you should have chosen in this one.

    • Rook October 25, 2011 at 12:10 pm

      James, Abeg no kill me with laughter here..

    • lami October 27, 2011 at 12:11 pm

      Awwwww how sweet, please look for the maid and marry her. You both deserve each other. love match made in heaven. *SMH* Are you kidding me????? She is a maid for crying out loud, of course she was just doing her job by cooking, doing your laundry etc, and the sex was just an extra(fantasy fulfilled).

    • Omoyele October 29, 2011 at 10:19 am

      @ James , I have no problem with you marrying a maid .Your problem is that you are one of the men that thinks a woman should only be seen and not heard. Do you go into a relationship to compete? I know of a silly man like you that told his wife that her main responsibility is to stay home and take care of the kid. What the fool failed to realize is that should anything happen to him tomorrow the wife might not know how to handle things. I did divorce consulting once in my previous employment, it annoys me when these women come in and they have no clue as to how much the mortgage bill is; “my husband takes care of everything”. I’m a firm believer that a strong woman +a strong man= a strong family. James and the fools like him when you have your daughters, make sure you don’t educate them that way they will find an educated man looking for a mumu wife

  • ephee October 25, 2011 at 11:34 am

    @NICH: if its all about humility, av bin there but still yet it didnt stop him from mesing with another babe out there which made me finally break up with him.i cook for him, do his lundrys, apologize even wen he is wrong, care for him like my life depends on it and still yet wat did i get? JILT AND BETRAYAL! its not dat i didt av my own short commings but i was a WIFE MATERIAL’. i knew his tru colours when he finally got a job after 2yrs of jobleessness and he changed.this is someone i truely loved and sacrified all i had except my life. and managed with him wen he had nothing. presently am 26yrs and still single.

    most guys i come accross are just ‘CHOP CLEAN MOUTH’ they dont want to be commited or serious. even the so called churches today are full of deceitful guys except if God intervanes.

    i am still waiting on God and i know he would give me the .best and what will last

    one luv….

    • Mimi October 26, 2011 at 11:45 am

      Don’t really get the basis of this comment but ok… Think this whole article has already said everything you saying. Don’t see how from reading Temi’s comment you have now managed to peg her as “almost perfect”. I don’t want to use such a strong word as “ignorance” to describe your comment but its around that area though. Its ok to have standards you do too.
      We are all inevitably headed down that path of commitment, question is just when. Let’s not make it harder for each other. eh?
      Ephee honestly after reading your comment? Its only you and Temi I can identify with. I mean lets be honest we can give them the world and they’ll still act a fool. I did all that as well and nothing. There arent any rules and regulations to dating like people keep thinking there are. Its either don’t talk too much you intimidate him, don’t wear that dress its too short he’ll think you are a prossie, don’t work too hard he doesnt want a workaholic. THERES JUST NOTHING WE CAN DO BUT BE US! Man will come whether we like it or not… Question is what will you now do to make him stay?

      Rather love someone who loves me JUST as I am than be pretentious… I don’t date SIMPLY because of that “chop clean mouth” man that comes and deceives me. I would rather wait for the one who may chop clean mouth and want more or only just wants to chop and keep chopping.

      Everyone just do you…

    • lucabrasi October 26, 2011 at 9:56 pm

      Sorry to hear that, It must be really painful for you to be treated in such a way. As hard as this may be to hear this. You must realise the th e problem is and was not you but him. Take comfort from the fact that, you gave your best and have no regrets about that. If you do this it would not ruin who you are inside.

  • Hills October 25, 2011 at 2:30 pm

    A lot of truth has been spoken here and also a lot of errrrmmmm not so true B.S. However after all read and done, the only thing i can say is to all my single sisters out there is put your trust in God and be “fully persuaded” that He who has begun a good work in you is Faithful to complete it in you.

  • JoyGirl October 26, 2011 at 1:46 pm

    Witty and clever article, love it! To answer the question yes education and exposure is a limitation, and that applies anywhere in the world. A tad late to undo the years of education, career progression, awareness etc, however patience and perseverance is the trait to have. Gender roles are reversing and it will take time for Men to adjust to this change. I hear the mention of God a lot, however is our sole and only useful purpose in Life to get married?! Surely there are other ways to add purpose to one’s life without getting married. I am in no way suggesting not getting married, I am saying, if it does not happen not the end of the world.

    Again, very good article!

  • cj October 26, 2011 at 9:36 pm

    Like a lot of people here, I never bother to post comments. I just read silently and laugh my head off. “How woman go find husband”, an age old question, while I agree with Temi about the pyramid. (Really meaning the natural inclination of most women to marry “up” or at least a man they respect).

    I also agree with what some have said about Compatibility . Humility and a willingness to put yourself in other shoes (empathy) is key.

    You see a lot of Men can respect and even admire a woman’s worldly achievements and it is good that in this day and age she has them. But what will really keep a man is the woman’s ability to nurture. Hence the subtext in his mind “if she can nurture me like this just imagine what kind of mother she will be like to my children” – Conclusion : Wife Material. And then he will pull all the stops to keep you.

  • hay jay October 26, 2011 at 9:45 pm

    . A well written article
    . No human being deserves to be pressurized into getting married cos of age and other societal norms and beliefs
    . Getting married aint no criteria to happiness and fulfillment, tho can be a wonderful blessing to one’s life if with a compatible and good spouse
    .

  • elaine October 27, 2011 at 5:11 am

    hahaha… The famous list! I had one too. It had everything from he has to be God-fearing to he has to be tall and rich and yada yada. I made this list when I was 16. I had read too many M&B and Harlequin Romance Novels, seen too many episodes of “Passions”, “When you are mine”, “Wild Rose”and too many romantic movies. Who can forget “Pretty Woman”?

    Life’s joker goes thus; I am 6 feet tall and a recession is upon us. So the chances that I would meet a man who is rich and over 6 feet tall is very remote and I have not factored in Education, Good background etc.

    I am not that old, but I have seen a lot. I have heard women wish they had accepted that guy who shelled, who did not know how to dress nice, who was not so educated, who was too old, too young etc. because an amazing vocabulary and excellent command of the English language is pleasant to the ears but it does not hold you when you cry.

    I am not saying compromise your standards. I am saying do not be naive. I still have my list but it is now open to review. If God in his infinite mercy brings a man that fits the specifics of my list; my joy would know no bounds. But in that time I would make do with who comes my way and who checks the important items on my list like being committed to me, treating me right, having a good heart, being a good person, being determined and hardworking and having faith in God. Every other thing is secondary but if included would be immensely appreciated,

  • bhee October 28, 2011 at 7:04 am

    nice someone posted this.
    i def dont hav this problem but i hate that ppl go thru this.
    Its really sad women are judged by how they helped others achieve greatness, not theirs. very sad.
    You see a girl work hard and buy a simple car and the next thing is…ha….ure never going to find husband. I think….so she shd keep trekking the street of lagos in muds looking for a guy to drive up in his bentley…really?….
    mchewww….
    and many other standards that just forces women to pretend like they are less than what they are…..and many do hav to do it :( :( :(……

  • skelly October 28, 2011 at 12:03 pm

    and is there a problem with being single? like rily huh? im single and loving it…com on ladies, why r u all under pressure, never feel as if u r running out of time cos pressure is not real…you r real and when u start giving attention or come under what is potent u start giving it power, dont be driven by the voices of ignorance that will make you try so hard to get into a relationship! ive learnt from the worst….ive been in a relationship where i did everything for this guy according to what old-fashion nich said(rubbish), at the end of everything, i read a conversation he had wit his friend and i quote” she just by the way, im just aving fun”…so i think its loving urself, praying to God, and working hard , not thinking cos uve got a bsc u need to press stop to whatever dreams u r spos to achieve! the right guy will come @ the right time when u least expect it! ciao

  • blah October 28, 2011 at 3:04 pm

    First article I’ve been able to really relate to. It’s not fake or over the top, straight from the heart…That’s how I like them. You were so passionate about the article that I’m reluctant to mention your awkward phrasing in the sentence that has “well intentioned” in it. Still good work Bisola!

  • Ure October 28, 2011 at 5:39 pm

    lmao this article is reali funny & i totally relate to what you have said here. i thnk the prblm is that gud men are just very hard to find.

  • Omoyele October 29, 2011 at 10:01 am

    I like this article and Temi your comments are on point.Who says you can’t be picky when you are going to spend the majority of your lifetime with the “picked”. I had MYLIST (very realistic) before getting married it was very helpful when my prince charming came along. I was living abroad then which reduces the probability of meeting a man from your part of the world.Looking back, I grateful that I did not “settle” for the shelling bros,men that thought having a BSc is the greatest accomplishment for a woman. I don’t think any woman should compromise her standards just because the time is ticking; what one works for lasts longer. God bless all those nosy people that think it is their place to tell you what you want in a man. To the single sisters out there, please stand firm and like Temi mentioned be prayerful and your OWN will come. Why marry just ANYBODY because you want to leave the “singles club” and become “Mrs. Miserable”. Just my two cents :-)

  • ibukun george October 30, 2011 at 2:12 pm

    wow! Took a while to read all the comment. Sometimes I wish I was more outgoing in the university. For me communication is key. I can’t marry a man I can’t communicate with.
    *Sigh*

  • mexdex October 31, 2011 at 4:04 pm

    A reality story and yet complicated. The Ego of a lady kills the desire of any man who has ever come across them . . . most especially the educated one’s. they belive they shouldnt be under a man authority, yet thry are few of them who are humble. those are the one’s who get settled even before the age of 24.

  • Jae November 1, 2011 at 1:19 pm

    Honestly, I love this article, it is very real and drives home its points very clearly!!!!!

  • curious c November 2, 2011 at 8:54 am

    When you say one of your kind, is dating an equally educated man who is from a lower social circle going below standards? is it advisable to marry such a man without him having inferiority complex in d future?

  • Na wa oh November 2, 2011 at 11:42 am

    Hmmmm

  • gozy November 13, 2011 at 12:38 pm

    geez,all dz comments re great,keep it up pals.!!!

  • Abby November 16, 2011 at 3:07 pm

    I must say, I have enjoyed reading the comments more than the main article itself – and i have gained as much. Really goes to show how great an issue it is, finding the right spouse, to so many ‘eligible’ and ‘educated’ men and women with infinitely outstanding ‘diction’ out there – in Nigeria and beyond. What can we do? We must not discard our tick-boxes or turn to door mats. Hell no! Just be like honey (it is relative oo) and you will attract the bees.

  • saviour November 23, 2011 at 12:32 pm

    thanks…hey babe i do understand your concept. but this is what i think. don’t set out to be in a relationship,go out and make friends, then you can prove to yourself first and later to him that you are a wife material.most men are not looking for a woman to marry we are looking for a wife.you will not be married because you are a woman, you will be married because you are a wife.pls read my article on facebook title the DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A WIFE AND A WOMAN.thanks.

  • H.A.W November 27, 2011 at 1:36 pm

    LOL.. and sighing at the same time.. the other day my Uncle told me not to be picky that my cousin – his daughter is now engaged. He reminded me that I was not getting any younger that I am going to be 25 next year. I was just like wow…
    Nigeria is so different.. In the UK I had rest of mind and I was seeing someone then though.. Sometimes I think the older folks just want to have a wedding and party and all and some genuinely just want you to be happy. If only the approach was different and all and not so straight up remind you of your age. I don’t even think marriage is a function of age.

    I know some girls who if the guy is their age mate, its a total no no and they are not interested. Left to them, he has to be at least 4 years older than them. Its a crazy world yo.. Lol..

    I like this post.. really nice and straight up written from the heart.

    At the end of the day, lets be realistic, a lot of girls or guys are single because of their character. One advice, look at yourself honestly and ask yourself that if you were you, would you date yourself?

    I guess its all about working towards being a better person and trust me, you will attract the right people.. This I believe and its also important not to pressure yourselves. I can count how many weddings that have been featured on BN and are crashing. I am not saying I am against the wedding features, they are oh so beautiful and i ooh and ahh when I log in here and all. But don’t lose sight of the importance of companionship. God doesn’t wish everyone to be alone.

    Ok! I usually do not make long comments on here.. bye!

  • Ije December 2, 2011 at 3:07 am

    What a great thread! Okay, I realize that I might be a little “tardy for this party” but please, my sisters, have you considered the fact that you just might be limiting yourselves… and dare I say, limiting God by only looking for a Naija husband? What if God’s best for you is not one of our Naija brothers? Look around and you will very likely see that some of our own men are not limiting themselves to waiting till they find just the “right Naija babe”, and that’s quite alright… So therefore, why do we girls think we should only be fishing in one national pond? I say, broaden your horizons, let God be the God of all the nations that He is and trust that He can bless you with a man who may not be what you currently think is YOUR “ideal” but one that God knows is best for you. Just my humble opinion…

    • lima December 20, 2011 at 11:06 am

      well said Ije…well said

  • chiberry January 3, 2012 at 2:18 pm

    nice !!!!

  • Just Me January 11, 2012 at 3:19 pm

    Bisola I love your writting style and I love the topic you picked. May I recommend you visit http://thirtiesflirtyandthrivingin9ja.blogspot.com she’s also a returnee writting about her dating experiences as a 30 -something year old in Nigeria. Its a scream!

  • wemimo March 8, 2012 at 5:30 pm

    hmmmm na wa o! God help us!!

  • Fedupsinglegal March 23, 2012 at 3:37 pm

    Hmmm so many advice I must say I have kept in my innermost mind. It’s just that I wonder if we gals are kids that we wont know when you feel right about a guy. There’s that perfect feeling that gives you peace and joy and utmostly makes you overlook certain habits you would ordinarily not stand if the perfect feeling isn’t there. I can’t date a guy that shells but would go out of my way to try dating someOne with mouth and body odour cos I believe I can work on that. I have also learnt that we have high expectations in guys who likewise have expectations in us. I believe if u love someone naturally you ll have expectations in them to reciprocate certain things. It gets more and more difficult to meet eligible guys in Abuja where I stay and it’s mind bugging cos I have over worked on myself,prayed, fasted and been in faith to the point that I’m just there now not knowing what next to do. If I’d been told il be 30 and unmarried years back I would have bet my life otherwise. But here I am clocking the sacred 30 few months swish and still no sign of mr eligible. I’m beautiful, a legal practitioner,I love God, homely and full of love what more is thereto possess. Remembering how unlearnt I should sow what I want and went into action always cooking for one dude that liked me then,the brat only ate my food and went into thin air till today. City life sucks a times….sighs! I believe there is a divine plan in place that’s to rescue me so at least il hold on to that so I don’t get cynical.

  • Ose April 12, 2012 at 2:59 pm

    really enjoyed the article and the comments made even tho some comments were plain silly.I’m 24yrs old and single and almost evryone i know tells that im extremely nice.i have a lot of male friends but they are either in relationships or think im too good for them.i dont seem to get it at all….anyway,the bottom line is i still belive that u can have it all,a successful marriage and a successful career.as a lady,you have to understand that above all else ur relationship comes first and may God help us all.Amen.

  • Busy Sade May 19, 2012 at 5:33 pm

    I am surprised that I didn’t see this article until now but even more surprising is some of the caveman comments I had to endure. My question is what kind of mothers are breeding these cavemen? The “house maids”? We women need to be more careful about how we train our male children.

  • Felix May 26, 2012 at 10:27 am

    Ok. So it seems you are too picky then I guess?

  • Audrey August 13, 2012 at 10:56 pm

    Great article. This issue I believe is experienced by women across the world. In some countries the pressure is less though. I am a Zimbabwean girl and I dated a Nigerian guy while I was studying in the states. I loved that man with all my heart and he still has a special place in my heart though in have since moved on. I was more educated and from a more fortunate family etc and I felt pressure from family friends the…. sort of “you can do better” pressure. I then cut all ties with him and “moved on” but I was so miserable. I dated the so called eligible guys but I quickly realized that because I allowed that pressure to get to me I had let go of a person who I truly loved and someone who reciprocated my love. When I was alone the same people who thought this guy was not good for me were the ones who were so interested in knowing why I was single when I went for a while without a boyfriend. After that I quickly realized that it’s MY life after all and I should take my time because eventually the right person will come along. I have met so many people who rushed into marriage because of pressure from others but are miserable in their marriages. People will always have their opinions views etc but they are not God, don’t let then push you into the wrong direction. You also find that most of the times people who ask the ‘are you single’ question don’t really care about your happiness. Do you and take your time to choose from where you think is right. I mean the same people who put pressure on you are the same people who will laugh and constantly remind you when you make the wrong decision. I am still on the quest but now and have my standards but I don’t let anyone else set them for me because it’s better to have yourself to blame when you make a mistake.

    Ps. I just discovered Bellanaija and am going through posts which I am thoroughly enjoying and commenting on irregardless of when they were posted.

    • Eve May 19, 2013 at 8:44 am

      I’m just like u. Discovered this site about 2months ago. Just going through old posts and learning stuff…xx

  • grily September 6, 2012 at 12:48 pm

    God help u!!

  • grily September 6, 2012 at 12:48 pm

    *us

  • vickie October 21, 2011 at 4:06 pm

    Abeg abeg abeg!!!!!!!!!!!

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