African Moms: Be Patient with your Unmarried Daughters | Read China Okasi’s Piece for CNN Opinion

Posted on Monday, February 18th, 2013 at 10:10 AM

By BellaNaija.com

Mom3BN spotted this article by China Okasi written for CNN Opinion and decided to share - China Okasi, an entrepreneur and frequent commentator on various TV networks, is the founder of the Daily Mocha and executive director of Women of Media.

***

Moms everywhere like to ask their unmarried daughters dreaded questions like: Why are you still single? Are you married yet? Anyone catch your eye? Especially around Valentine’s Day.

Sure, we’ve seen Carrie Bradshaw agonize over the issue, watched Bridget Jones’ awkwardness around it, heard Amelie’s lamentations au Francais, and we’ve even heard from the lovable Mindy Kaling vis-a-vis her Indian-American perspective. But, we haven’t heard the modern African woman’s story.
Being an unmarried African woman in her childbearing years is like being a manicurist with a hand tremor: very odd and rather tricky. She is expected to marry early and marry well.

African mothers, then, are in a deep crisis. They immigrated to the United States with the hopes that their daughters would get a good education and fulfill the American Dream. But they never considered that, along with having all that modernity, their daughters would, like the rest of America’s young, empowered women, be so “late” in marriage.
Granted, African moms are not alone in their hopes. But still, some of them seem particularly affected. What shall they do?

You can read the rest of the article via CNN

Photo Credit: Madam Noire

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  • 114 Comments on “African Moms: Be Patient with your Unmarried Daughters | Read China Okasi’s Piece for CNN Opinion”

    Comments
    • nana February 18, 2013 at 10:34 AM

      Love!!!

    • Gold February 18, 2013 at 10:37 AM

      ‘Yesterday’s woman wanted marriage. Today’s woman wants love — and marriage, if it turns out that way.’ Hmmm…,pause and ponder.

    • Nena! February 18, 2013 at 10:41 AM

      If you’d never match a conservative Christian with a flagrant porn star, it’s not clear why today’s educated woman should edit herself in hopes of attracting a feeble idiot…… I totally concure!!!

      • 'taesia February 18, 2013 at 11:08 AM

        Swear down! she just hit the nails right on point

      • Tiki February 18, 2013 at 2:31 PM

        My best line!!!!

      • Gimmer February 20, 2013 at 5:11 AM

        Kaboom….this line is like dropping a drone in the middle of those low standard basic fools out there.lol

    • Nwaoma February 18, 2013 at 10:44 AM

      Amazing

    • Emmz February 18, 2013 at 10:45 AM

      “you see, dear African moms, global girls need global boys, not intimidated ones.” -GBAM!!!

      • janet murikira February 21, 2013 at 7:03 AM

        so so so so right. our mums raise us to have great careers and push us everyday to be the E in #epic and then ask us whether we have found any men…..and were like………ermmmmmmm….

    • Toinlicious February 18, 2013 at 10:58 AM

      Love love love!

    • ij February 18, 2013 at 11:00 AM

      never have truer words been said
      why today’s educated woman should edit herself in hopes of attracting a feeble idiot. Yes, she’d be married, but then she’d live only to repress herself for someone else’s ego , some else’s bloody ego really!!!!

    • Stella Kashmoney February 18, 2013 at 11:15 AM

      Lovely post. Hope African our folks see the light.

    • Partyrider February 18, 2013 at 11:19 AM

      Love it! Brilliant!

    • Damie February 18, 2013 at 11:20 AM

      This article had so much potential and just turned to mush. Of all the females to use as an example she quotes Olivia Pope?????? Like what the AF? A fictional character? Anyway, she did start of with Carrie Bradshaw so no surprises there. And what is with the emphasis on a foreign education making an African woman more liberated? That is just taking the piss.
      I did like the line on global girls and global boys.

    • 5'5 February 18, 2013 at 11:23 AM

      *waits for comments*

    • DocDeola February 18, 2013 at 11:33 AM

      The reality of life is often very different to printed epilogues! No one can have it all – be great and sacrifice, be mediocre and sacrifice. The choice is yours….it’s all about relativity and priority….happiness or glory…the choice is yours.

      • Autoprincess February 18, 2013 at 1:22 PM

        Gbam! Well said. We need to understand that in real life everything has its own opportunity cost. Just make sure that you sacrifice in the right places and at the right time.

    • pretty eyes February 18, 2013 at 11:36 AM

      LOL Olivia pope that is dating a married man who is even cheating on her with other girls is the person you’re deriving inspiration from? hian, interesting.

      • jhjj February 18, 2013 at 12:47 PM

        Did you read every word? It actually says ‘Olivia Pope’s character in the TV series “Scandal” spoke quite unapologetically for today’s woman when she said: “I could probably give all this up, and live in a country house and have babies and be normal.’

        Not Olivia Pope as a person. But the character she plays/played.

        • Non professional opinion February 18, 2013 at 2:41 PM

          Olivia Pope, a fictional character is played by Kerry Washington, a real person. The quote is from Olivia, who as pretty eyes said, is dating a married man who has other babes. That is the life changing extraordinary love one should wait for. As my aunt would say… Bad adviser.

        • tomeloma February 18, 2013 at 2:48 PM

          …rols eyes…thats what she said, she is also referring to the Olivia Pope character.

    • Priscy February 18, 2013 at 11:49 AM

      Gbam!!!

    • Olayemi February 18, 2013 at 11:52 AM

      Please, Olivia Pope isn’t it at all. With all that crap with the president? She doesn’t want love, she wants adventure, controversy and glamour hidden behind “professionalism”. Abeg!

    • MoiDrunk February 18, 2013 at 12:07 PM

      I agree with pretty eyes . Olivia Pope is not a someone we should look up to when it comes to the best choices to make in love/marriage. She might be good for career (and even then only the vey bold and fearless should dare to follow her footsteps) but she completely clued me into what might be wrong with women like me when she declared “I could probably give all this up, and live in a country house and have babies and be normal. I could. But I don’t want to. I’m not built for it. I don’t want normal and easy…and simple. I want…painful, difficult…devastating…life-changing…extraordinary love” Eddison’s answer is perfect … Love is not meant to be painful (nor devastating).

      What we African women with huge life/love/careeer ambitions need to accept is that there is a price to pay. We simply cannot have everything. Life is not built that way. We need to realize that the decision to be “paid” means that we probably will have to marry latter than our peers. And that in the African/Nigerian context that means most likely marrying someone who isn’t compeletly the man of our dreams. But then again, even our peers who marry earlier than we do know that the man they married isn’t perfect but he fits “their” bill. So if marriage is the career woman’s aim then she needs to get busy deciding why she wants to get married/what marriage means to her.

      We have more choices now but this means the stakes are higher and consequences of lying to ourselves are real.

      What that means for me is this … I like money/accomplishment and I want to own my own money/accomplishments. This means that I have to navigate the world as a woman with desires typically associated with men. This life I have chosen won’t be easy but it is MINE. And I owe no one (not even my beloved mother) any apologies. I do not get to have pity parties (poor me, not married, no children, no boyfriend, etc). I want to be comfortable, very comfortable, and I simply do not meet enough single men who have the same mindset. So I focus on my aim. I am not keen on children but hey if I do decide down the line that I want to have some … I will have the money and the womb/uterus to carry and birth a child. I, not my mom.dad/siste/brother/friend/society, make my own choices and I live with the consequences of my decisions.

      • Yeye February 19, 2013 at 3:31 AM

        Dats y ple fail exams…..u all making a big deal about her comparison to Olivia…..what she is emphasizing is the fact that women can now make and sshld be allowed be allowed to make their choices of what they want out of life…only a fool will want a painful marriage…..so pls stop emerge rating and talking out of context

    • Boma4kings February 18, 2013 at 12:08 PM

      the single men are also having a had time to settle down. with family members trying hook them up or constantly telling them to settle down. Come to think of it, if a man is not settled he should not wait for a woman to settle him down , he should get settled first (well just saying). Most of us are trying to be the right men for a woman but due to materialism and past bad relationships the women of now a days don’t give the good ones a chance because we are constantly compared with the past. So we will wait and work on our selves until the good one says yes or should we settle for less? If ladies will not settle , so we the men won’t either. So the waiting and searching game continues . Parents should be patient with us and continue to support us on our search with advice and love.

    • anonymous February 18, 2013 at 12:29 PM

      “……love is messy and unpredictable” God bless the author.

    • Berry Dakara February 18, 2013 at 12:42 PM

      I like this.

    • Person pikin February 18, 2013 at 12:46 PM

      Some how i find solace in this article. I’m 25 and in the process of completing my PhD. My friends are getting married left, right and centre; the pressure on me is building up! Aunties, uncles, cousins, family friends everyone is ‘seemingly concerned’ about my finding a husband as a PhD holder at 27.
      Anyways I tell myself, if i have a PhD nothing can take it away from me, its added value to my pretty self. I have it for life. But husband? Mere mortal? Human being? very unpredictable, uncertain and not to be trusted. I pray for a wonderful marriage, there are lots of great men out there and i hope to be married to one in the near future. But getting married ‘cos of pressure? mba nu! A few months back I turned down a wedding proposal and all my friends in naija thought I was crazy. According to them, ‘di dizi uko nowadays’. But I had my reasons and I will defend my decision anytime and anywhere. Well I dont see marriage as the end of the world. I desire to get married, once, and be happy in it. God will send me ‘my husband’ at His own time not out of pressure.

      Ukwa ruo oge ya o daa1

      • Tee Girl February 18, 2013 at 1:53 PM

        God bless you for your comments!

        There is no reason one should get married for pressure sake. I just turned 28, have been working for over 5 years and thanks to God, I have managed to forge out a successful career. Now, I am starting to feel the pressure to get married and not be single. But like the writer says, a global girl needs a global boy. I find boys asking me how I will manage my job and marriage after only 2 weeks of text-chatting on phone! How ridiculous is that? would he suggest I give up my life and job to come and be cooking jollof rice for him in his house and bearing his babies? No, there is no need to dull ourselves down. So many marriages out there where both parties are “enduring” I wish to be married just once and be happy. And I am willing to wait by God’s grace. To that end, I will encourage all females to find happiness in themselves. That is something that nobody can take away from you!!

        • Bolu February 18, 2013 at 3:01 PM

          The part about editing your self to attract a feeble idiot is so funny, unfortunately that is the reality on ground. You see, when you edit yourself, its the feeble idiots that you get, so you marry him and reveal your true colours, and he starts feeling intimidated and cheats on you with his secretary who worships the ground he walks on. Better to display yourself from the start, so that those who know their level won’t bother approaching you. A woman is more than her career, or whatever luxuries she enjoys because of her salary or inheritance. I wanted to buy a car, and was told ha, buy a second hand car o, so you don’t frighten men away, because the one you bought a new car as a single lady, what will a man do for you that will be a big deal in your eyes. Excuse freaking me, why does he need to buy something for me that will impress me? Is that all women are for, to be bought stuff to be impressed. Let who he is impress me first, whatever he can buy for me comes second place. She was making sense, till she used Olivia Pope’s character as an example, that just negates everything she said from the beginning

      • m.h February 18, 2013 at 2:47 PM

        What are we In dis life to do? U can always get Ph.D. anytime of your life if u r dedicated to it..bt don’t waste ur youthful child bearing years waiting on Romeo and Juliet love..time is of the essence

        • Mirim February 18, 2013 at 4:38 PM

          wow. Nothing to say. A woman is in this life to have children. So what happens to nuns, or women who had cancer in their teens and because of the treatment seh got, she can never have children, or women who have hormonal problems, and are infertile. I can go on and on. So a woman working towards somethign substantial, which will still be there after the children leave home is wasting her years. Would you say that to a man? Na wa o

        • Ebi February 18, 2013 at 5:29 PM

          Abi.
          Besides there isn’t anyone in the world who can not justify the life choices they make.
          I can justify why i chose to get married at 18, have my 3 kids and is presently celebrating her 30th birthday as aqualified lawyer in two seperate continents of the world. So my dear – be truly happy and confident in the choices you made, make or in the process of making. At 50, a PHD is still usable, the ovaries however… not so much. Either way be bold about your choices and BE SURE…you alone will live with them.

      • Iphie February 18, 2013 at 3:09 PM

        awwwww. . ..it will happen in HIS Time dearie! No pressure!

      • ihuoma ken ohiorenoya February 18, 2013 at 5:33 PM

        Yes OOOOO. i wu nwa afo igbo.Ukwa ruo oge ya,o ga ada riri. E be eno ka m kwu.

      • Jamce February 21, 2013 at 11:50 PM

        Kudos, that is the spirit gurl. Knowing what you want, setting your priorities and being able to defend your actions. You will truly meet your Knight in shining armour when you are ready.

    • mamasita February 18, 2013 at 12:46 PM

      This piece nailed it correctly.

    • kin February 18, 2013 at 12:56 PM

      THIS IS SO TRUE….

    • D Fairy GodSister February 18, 2013 at 1:08 PM

      Love it!!! SPoke to my heart!!! Funnily, my parents aren’t giving me any issues o, it’s all my relatives!!! Wish I could post this article to all of them with a card and bottle of wine!

      http://bit.ly/WFSTL0 First of three in the series, out every other day from today! Enjoy – sharing is caring!

    • giggy February 18, 2013 at 1:14 PM

      mommy, come and read oooo!!!!!! hian!

      • Lolo February 18, 2013 at 2:55 PM

        LMAO! Ey ya, pele. It shall be well with you and mummy. Just pray for her to to be calm.

      • creamy February 18, 2013 at 5:24 PM

        lol u took the words right out of my mouth.

    • nuella February 18, 2013 at 1:26 PM

      ok ,as much as i like the article,Olivia pope is playing a character going by a script written for viewing purpose so i’ll go by my Bible….love is patient,kind……not painful,difficult,devasting……..mba!

      • Lolo February 18, 2013 at 2:58 PM

        I totally agree. I watch Scandal, but NO WAY. Painful and devastating ke? I REBUKE. Love can be interesting and peaceful at the same time.

    • cynthia February 18, 2013 at 2:03 PM

      Ha ha the comments here are soo different to useless comments on CNN, those ones have gone on some serious distorted tangent… lol

    • ebundetan February 18, 2013 at 2:11 PM

      Amazing write-up!

    • nich February 18, 2013 at 2:25 PM

      this naija ladies in america should maintain their own….fine……….you ladies can choose to remain single if you want…………life is a choice……….but the notion that naija men are intimidated by successful women is not true……………..

      my advice to you naija ladies in the states is….if you people want love and marriage why not try other cultures perhaps you people will true love with men from other countries…………nothing is impossible……….

      • ID February 18, 2013 at 2:52 PM

        i DON’T think she said all Naija men are intimated but obviously some are. she says she’s looking for someone who appreciates her the way she is and she never mentioned race or nationality. There are dumb Naija boys and dumb non-Naija boys. As with all things, it’s interesting to me how many men want a well educated girl, but then want to clip the wings they met on her once she becomes “theirs.” That’s just silly…why not find someone with no wings.

      • Bolu February 18, 2013 at 2:54 PM

        you don’t believe what you just wrote did you. men all over the world are intimidated by successful women. It is not a 9ja thing alone, its just that the legendary ego of the 9ja man, makes it more visible. It only takes Grace to find a good man, who will let you be you and be supportive. You will find that such good men, came from homes where respecting a woman was drummed into him, whether his mum was working or not is immaterial, because respect is respect. Also you will also find that such men were raised to value their manhood and self worth on different terms that are not money related. Women, here too, please raise your sons aright when you have them, because the men you are complaining about today, if status quo does not change will be the men available for your daughters to complain about in 25 – 30 years. From this article, we can see that the way daughters are raised has moved on with the times, unfortunately, the same can’t be said for male children.

        • PLUSH & LUSH February 18, 2013 at 11:02 PM

          Pls can I hug u? Like seriously!

        • Bliss February 25, 2013 at 3:34 AM

          I don’t know what it is with the word “manhood” makes cringe on some levels and other levels its an invasion of my personal space as a shy lil gurl. It sounds so vulgar but it really isn’t. Ok now I’m rambling. But you get my drift. Yes? No? Maybe? :)

    • Bella February 18, 2013 at 3:11 PM

      @nich e dey pain you ?

    • nene February 18, 2013 at 3:33 PM

      i think @nich has a point. they should try other races and culturs because naija men in nigeria have their own mindset that’s different, just like men around the world have different mindsets as well.

    • madman February 18, 2013 at 3:39 PM

      are you advocating for singlehood?

    • 5'5 February 18, 2013 at 3:43 PM

      interesting comments, as expected ofcourse. It seems to me, we African Ladies are striving to be what the Caucasian Ladies are striving to leave behind…. interesting.

    • Nancy February 18, 2013 at 3:58 PM

      This is crap. A justification for being single. Its fine if the story sells now….but will it sell at 45…when loneliness is more apparent.

      • Mirim February 18, 2013 at 4:12 PM

        It is not a justification for being sinle. Only an ignorant person will think that. It only explains that moms shouldn’t pressure signle women into marriage, as the criteria that was okay years ago, doesn’t fly now, as women are different from years past, so of course, their expectations are different. Or do you expect a high achieving woman, tos ettle for a mediocre man, just so that she can be married. Or you nancy, do you belong to the school of thought that as soon as woman reaches a certain age, she should be pressured into marriage. is that what you are saying? Do you know how many 45year old married women are lonely, do you? Or you automatically think that because you are married, that means you are not lonely. I laugh in Spanish.

        • Yeye February 19, 2013 at 3:44 AM

          Don’t mind nancy with her block head.. That’s y they fail exams….

      • Anonymous February 18, 2013 at 5:11 PM

        I’d rather be single at 45 than be in an in unhappy or abusive marriage. Marriage is great under the right circumstances but you should NEVER marry because of the threat of age. I am 34 and happily single. I recently told my Mom of my plans to enrol for a PhD and she said “why didnt you do that earlier, you should be thinking of marriage”. I do dream of marriage but honestly of all my friends who are married I can only point at one who has a marriage I envy.
        I’m the last and only single one of my siblings so you can imagine the pressure on me. However I have said it and continue to say it I would rather have a child out of wedlock to keep me company than rush into marriage.
        My mom had to leave an unhappy marriage and I would never wish that on anyone. No one should have to raise their kids under such conditions no matter how wealthy they are.
        So to Nancy, being single is not a curse! Marriage is a life long commitment and honestly I don’t think it’s for everyone. I also think one has to decide what is important and in what degree ie career, marriage, kids etc. Once you’ve done this, the rest becomes easier.

      • Yeye February 19, 2013 at 3:42 AM

        Ple like you just never get it abi? Block head, was she advocating single hood? The point she is making is that don’t allow anybody to bully u into marrying cos of the so called African culture…..everywoman wants to be loved, if marriage comes fine but if it doesn’t come then don’t force it cos u must marry..

    • Mirim February 18, 2013 at 4:21 PM

      Unfortunately my aunty is an example. A more miserable woman I have never met, and she’s in her 50′s. Sadly, she hasn’t learnt any lessons, and keeps pressuring her daughter’s into marriage. Thankfully my mum warned her to back off me, as her marriage is not an example that can be used as a basis to pressure anyone into marriage. She was so shocked that day, you could see shame come over her, I actually felt sorry for her. So, to those that read this as a justification for singleness, open your eyes well, look around you, at your marriage, and the marriages we now have today, and ask yourself why you find a problem with a single woman who is treading carefully. But as they say, misery loves company, so that may be your reason why you think single women are too picky. You want them to join your team, so y’all can console yourself over lunch at the country club

      • Bliss February 18, 2013 at 5:07 PM

        Haha. The last sentence was Epic. NIce one ;)

      • Emeka February 19, 2013 at 12:31 PM

        This just made it to my Epic Notes collection.

    • JADE February 18, 2013 at 4:21 PM

      Nancy, isnt it better to be lonely and sane with a measure of happiness than to let pressures make u dumb urself down and marry just anyone and then be miserable, unhappy and still lonely? there really is no hurry, like someone said, ukwa ruo ogeya odaa. we dont all have the same destinies

    • vanessa February 18, 2013 at 5:03 PM

      i love this article.global gals need global boys not intimidated ones.global gals need love and marriage.true talk

    • Yve February 18, 2013 at 5:32 PM

      as a 28yr old single asa-nwa, i totally understand where this article is coming from….BUT…there is a BUT!. life is imperfect. u can have everything sometimes, BUT not everything all the time and definitely not all at once. and if u do get everything, it wont last forever! that is Life. something’s gotta give! just learn to be honest with urself and what you want…and dont apologize for it. Babes, if what u want is a man to match ur levels as an educated asamkpokoto…then wait for it…just be patient and be honest that man might not come in the form of a 31yr old adonis from the specific ibo area ur parents want…and its ok! if u want someone to support u…and be there for u all the time…just wait for it…and accept that he might not be a richie rich with a phd from harvard. Arrange ur priorities, be honest with urself and wait for it. i think the waiting part is the hardest. lol.

    • penelopeia February 18, 2013 at 5:45 PM

      COMMENTATORS have made me conclude that marriage has gotten a bad name. U can be unhappy married or single, happiness depends the individual. I married at 25, just finished my MBA. Married or single your life still continues; education, travel, hobbies etc. KEY is find the right person and you will not have to defend reasons why you are doing a PHD at 25, did you school in W. Africa?

    • 5'5 February 18, 2013 at 6:21 PM

      … why do the guys never comment on topics such as this? it is their ego we discuss, it is they who propose, it them we accuse of being intimidated by successful us…

      • madman February 19, 2013 at 12:48 AM

        I’m a guy now and I commented.

    • Mrs married woman February 18, 2013 at 7:15 PM

      Some married women on here can exaggerate. Haba. As a married woman myself, shame on you women for the nonsense you are saying. I’ve seen age 45 here, age 50. S0 because a woman in her late twenties or 30′s is still single now, you are trying to scare her by saying ovaries wont be working by 45 or 50years old. Abi na curse. So because a woman is still single now, it means she’ll still be single at age 45 or 50. That’s just snobbish, and I’m appalled. Caucasian women do not talk to their fellow single sisters like this. I got married at the “ideal age” and didn’t give birth until 7years after. My friends who married “late” had babies before me. So all y’all age 45 age 50 commenters, what do you have to say about that? Yes you can be happy single or happy married, but having children should not pressure you into getting married. There is no greater selfishness you can do to a child than bringing it into a world with no love and harmony between the parents. That child is better off not being born, because the adult that child grows to be, affects the society at large. We can all see the products of children from broken or unhappy homes. What kind of mother are you going to be to that child you hurriedly rushed into marriage with his/her father for, when you are not happy or fulfilled in your marriage. Everyone has different destinies like someone said above, there is no “ideal” age to marry, as long as you choose the right person, it doesn’t matter what age you marry. Look at how everyone is gushing over Nse Etim story, everyone is so happy for her. That is how it should be (irrespective of age). She waited for love, and she got what she wanted. She is so happy now, and in love you can see it on her face. You think she cares what anyone thinks that she got married at 37. How is it your business. She’s happy now, that’s what counts. Who cares if her friends got married 10years ago? Is there are yardstick in heaven that you must marry at so so age. So all you women looking down your noses at single women, SHAME ON YOU. The Bible says, He that finds a good wife, finds a good thing. The emphasis here, before you start blaming single women is where are the men? Abi a woman should go find the man and propose? There are only a few good men around (my darling husband included), and if a good woman may have to wait a while for him to find her, please let her wait o. Its better than jumping at the next feeble idiot, only to satisfy some ignorant women here.

      • Partyrider February 18, 2013 at 7:30 PM

        #BOOM

      • Kara Blake February 18, 2013 at 7:55 PM

        True Word! You couldn’t have said it any better. It’s appalling when people think the sole and golden ultimate purpose of getting married is child bearing. I have seen way to many Nigerian Women rush into marriage for the sole purpose of having children; and the children are the ones that end up suffering for the stupid choices. Child bearing should not be the beginning and the end of marriage.

      • Knut February 18, 2013 at 7:58 PM

        You are amazing….. Thank you for this….. I want to hug you.

        • Mrs married woman February 18, 2013 at 8:39 PM

          You are welcome dear, someone has to be on your side too. That invisible high horse some of my fellow married women sit on, they nee d to come down from it, and be more supportive.

      • Yeye February 19, 2013 at 3:48 AM

        Mmmmmmwuuuuuahhhhhh

      • portable February 19, 2013 at 10:04 AM

        Wow,Wow,Wow!!! Please take hugs and kisses from me and may God bless u abundantly!

      • zsa zsa February 22, 2013 at 7:38 AM

        Hmmm. Mrs married woman….your head is there o!! Everything you said makes too much sense. I am 33, married with a one yr old. I really dont understand this idea of “ovaries aging” and all. I would never advise any single ladies to compromise their desires for the hope of marriage. I am very happily married and i would love every woman to feel the way i feel about my husband…the thought of marrying the wrong person makes me shudder. I love the point you made about bringing a child into an unhappy home(paraphrasing), i have not heard a bigger truth. I think it is the height of selfishness to bring a child into an unhappy home just because you want to satisfy your desires to “use your ovaries”. I personally know of 3 different couples who are in deep crisis as we speak…2 of them just finalized their divorce and are working out custody issues, the 3rd couple is still living in bondage. They have 2 beautiful kids i feel so sorry for and the parents cant even stand each other. Their stories are almost the same, they hardly knew each other…the women were eager to be “mrs somebody”…they guys gave into pressure from family and boom! disaster…absolutely nothing in common. Single ladies….please get this marriage thing right, no there is no perfect mate but recognize when you’ve met someone special. Keep yourselves busy, go ahead and get that degree, travel, volunteer. When i was single i had been putting off enrolling for my masters, my ex boyfriend would say”you want to be more educated than me?”….we broke up eventually and i went ahead with my masters and got married almost immediately after graduation. Now my husband is encouraging me to go for the doctorate i always talk about but too scared to try. Remember RESPECT, COMPATIBILITY and of course CHEMISTRY is key.

        **pls forgive any typos…off to bed.:)

      • The Special One February 24, 2013 at 1:32 PM

        GBAM! GBAM!! GBAM!!!
        I jst want to hug you for your comment, you sed it beautifully well. God bless you.

    • Mrs married woman February 18, 2013 at 7:51 PM

      All single women, I’m speaking to you, don’t let anyone talk down to you, scare you or make you feel less of yourself, or that you are a failure. Let me spell it out clearly. No married woman is better than you, make no mistake. We are all unique with different paths in life. Those looking their nose down at you, just want to find something to make them feel superior over you. No one can make you feel less of yourself, unless you let them. So the next time you are facing pressure from married women, yes, I said it women, because it is only women that do this to each other. The next time any of your friends taunt you or tease you, or make you feel bad about your status, tell yourself that, if that’s all she or they can find in your life that is deficient, then you have a lot to be grateful for, there are fellow women, who don’t have one tenth of what you do. A fellow married woman told a single friend of ours to do quick o, otherwise her children will have to be calling hers Aunty, the girl was near tears, I went down hard on that friend of ours, she was shocked. What do you seem to gain by making that statement? Why would you derive joy from making a fellow woman feel bad, she said no o, she was just joking, and I told her to shut up, secretly she derived pleasure from putting the poor girl down. This girl has achieved way more than this her married woman AND her husband can only dream about, so her comment came from a place of envy. It made her feel superior over her, there’s one aspect of her life she can taunt her about, and I told her the plain truth, she is not speaking to me now. I asked her, why she didn’t say that to me, at least my son is under a year old, and her first born is 6years old. She got married the same year I did. Because I’m married she didn’t see the need to taunt me with that. Single women, you will not marry yourself, your time will come. Keep yourself busy, keep on attaining to greater heights. A man is not told to cool his heels, so that a woman will marry him, so why is a woman told so. Not every high achieving single woman has put off marriage to further her career, that’s just a myth and a lie. So because you see that manager single now, doesn’t mean she gave up on love to chase a career. My sister is an example. She had boyfriends while she was moving up, none of them offered marriage that she turned down o. She was doing great at her career, they got intimidated and broke up with her. People used to look at her then, and say trash, she’s doing so well, she is still single. None of them ever thought to ask, did you turn down a marriage proposal. What’s a girl to do, quit doing well at your job so they will not feel intimidated. I’m so happy for her now, she found someone who loves her and supports her, and encourages the achiever that she is. If she married one of those her exe’s she would have withered away. So single ladies, just because you are single now, doesn’t mean you will never be married. That is a lie from the pit of hell

    • Concerned_Boyfriend February 18, 2013 at 8:14 PM

      @Mrs_Married_Woman. You made a very important distinction that we all (myself included) fail to remember and that is “.. There is no greater selfishness you can do to a child than bringing it into a world with no love and harmony between the parents. That child is better off not being born, because the adult that child grows to be, affects the society at large”…The last sentence about the child growing up to affect the society at large particularly strikes a chord with me. On the other hand, you cannot disavow folks like Anonymous who would have a child to fulfil her desire for companionship.

      I think it’s fair to say there’s no right or wrong answer here. We all have infinite choices, just choice what best suits you.

    • Mrs married woman February 18, 2013 at 8:25 PM

      I just have the need to continue writing, because this article failed in so many ways. The Olivia Pope example just made me want to kick her in the shin. Lol. You are single now, my dear woman, there is nothing wrong with you, you are not deficient, you are not broken, you are not thrash that was thrown away, or neglected, you are not unwanted or undesirable. The guy that broke up with you and married another woman, doesn’t mean that woman is better than you, or has something you don’t have. it was not meant to be, you don’t know what you have been spared. When you get married, you won’t even remember your singlehood. It is not a death sentence, it is not a curse. My advice is, if people are pressuring you, stay away from those people even if it includes your own parents. If you live on your own, more power to you, you don’t need them affecting you subconsciously. If you still live with your parents, find your way of avoiding them when possible. When the discussion comes up, don’t be defensive, you only give them more ammunition, just diffuse the situation, do not engage. If all your friends are married and they are not supportive, honey, find new friends, such women are not friends. They don’t suddenly get raised to a step above you because they are married. Only them put themselves on that step, and society. You define your own step. If they are supportive, and being around them makes you remember what you don’t have, use them instead as a point of prayer, that your own too will come. Learn from the stories they may tell about their marriage, or even observe their marriage if you can, you will find that some may not be as rosy as you thought. Be careful you don’t become desperate, so you don’t fall into the hands of the wrong person. Tell yourself, if you have waited till now, the Lord will crown your efforts with the best man for you. As long as you are honest, with yourself that you are waiting for the right reasons. Compromise if you can, but be careful what you compromise on, because I bet you, it will come back to bite you in the ass, and those marriage supporters club, will only be onlookers, be wary of that. No matter how much they say they love you, and want to see you settled, the minute you are in trouble, you are on your own. Don;t let people push you into something, only you will be left to handle. Their is no marriage support group, it is you and the man, at least only two people took vows, so be careful what you accept. My dad says one thing, be careful of that which you accept, because by virtue of that acceptance, you have to live with the consequences. As you are single and if marriage is what you seek, prepare yourself for marriage. Know the kind of wife, you will be, the kind of mother you will be. Set your expectations of what you want out of a marriage, and make sure you BLOCK OUT all external voices. If it is marriage that you want, I suggest stay away from bitter single women, and single women who have an I don’t care o whatever happens jare, I don’t send. Such associations are equally as dangerous, as married women friends who make you feel inadequate. Think of it as an exam, you study with people who are like minds, you don’t study with people who have an I don’t care attitude about the exam, and if you are struggling with a subject, you won’t hang around people who make you feel like an olodo would you? I believe strongly in the Law of Attraction, desperate women never attract anything good, unhappy women, attract unhappy men, the list is endless. Married women, I speak to you too, y’all need to quit the snobbery. Even if you are happy and blissful in yours, unless you are offering your husband to your friend, back off please. It is either that, or clone your husband and give to your friend. You are NOT better than your single friends. You got married at 18, and have 3 kids at 30 with your law degree. Congratulations, don’t Lord it over anyone, where is your prize by the way? I didn’t know you invented the happiness scale. Ehn you got married at 25, you have a PhD now with 10 children, clap for yourself. Your husband found you at 25, that’s your destiny. Give these women peace, their husbands too will find them. Remember ladies HE who FINDS a wife FINDS a good thing. its not Oh ye Single Women, go and find husbands and find a good thing. Hang in there girls, joy comes in the morning. Hold your head high, there is NOTHING wrong with you.

      • Kara Blake February 18, 2013 at 8:34 PM

        Preach it.

      • dede February 18, 2013 at 11:05 PM

        Mrs Married woman, I like your spirit. Seems you’ve been there. I just also want to add to the ladies seeking to be prayerful. Sometimes, the right man God has picked to be you husband is right there in front of you. Be very prayerful cause even the devil doesn’t want you to find love. Don;t be carried away with material things, ‘he is too short’, ‘he is too fat’, ‘he’s job is not good’, he’s car is not fine’….you’ll be surprised how God can change things for you. Another important thing is that marriage isn’t all that it seems. People marry and then seperate or divorce because they rushed into it. Take your time.

      • matchmaker February 19, 2013 at 2:51 AM

        Please can I add single ladies while you wait for the best, please wait ACTIVELY. i mean do something, go somewhere, ask you friends for hook ups. just do something to meet someone. Join a dating website, go to church/mosques/group meetings, go to stores where guys shop (like go buy something for your brother or father)/ join a gym. Meeting someone good is really not that hard but sometimes you’ve got put a little effort. I’m very moved by people who don’t go out or do anything to try to meet someone. sometimes when I ask, they say my friend got married to a guy someone introduced to her. O dear, it doesn’t work the same for everyone. You’re bright, you’re educated. Use that same smartness to find a good guy/girl. Network Network Network

    • ice February 18, 2013 at 8:43 PM

      Hmmmmmmm, lets just rm. Evry decision u take MUST be ur choice

    • feisty chic February 18, 2013 at 9:36 PM

      @Moidrunk, I love you. Well written and that last paragraph i will be so quoting.
      @Mrs. married woman, you just gave me words to hang on and the motivation i needed. Thank you so much. Married women please listen to her.

      • Mrs married woman February 18, 2013 at 9:51 PM

        Aaaaaw, if I can encourage and even uplift one person, my work is done. May you find all that you wish and hope for. M

    • Amara February 18, 2013 at 10:10 PM

      Mrs married woman,i wish someone like u could be my mentor on marriage issues.Wow!u blew me away with the things you wrote!

    • Triangle February 18, 2013 at 10:32 PM

      God bless you Mrs Married woman. There’s hop for me yet. I just got out from a 7 year rship, due to family issues it didn’t work, and added to the fact that we were university sweethearts everyone thought we were gonna end up getting married. It wasn’t to be. I’m picking up the pieces of what’s left of my heart, and moving.
      I work for the govt and have a side business. Focusing on that a lot now.
      Everyone wants to marry me away. I just turned 26 4 months ago oh and because almost all my friends are married, the pressure is quadruple. Ah! I can’t waste time oh, that is it that men aren’t coming? Recently my married friend dt I did chief bride’s maid for told me something that I shed tears for days.
      It is well with my soul. This is me here, waiting for the God ordained spouse to show up. I’m gonna do marriage just once.
      No apologies

      • Iffy February 19, 2013 at 11:42 AM

        Are you sure not not me? Ehn triangle!! This university sweethearts and all…that is sooo my story!After spending 7 years with him,hoping we will marry….as it did not now work,shall i then come and drink gamalin? It is well oh! I just finished my MBA too and I turn 26 later in the year and all I can say to you is…it is well. God has a special plan for us oh,you hear? Love,hugs and kisses!

    • Yewande Aje February 18, 2013 at 11:09 PM

      As great as this article is, I just have to point out that sometimes, it’s not similarities that make the best marriage…it’s respect, respect and simply respect. Yes, we all strive to be global women, the best in our field! I’m an engineer in Boston and I’ve worked in the field for about 3 years…I’m already a top manager, and I have a 6-figure salary. I could sit here and fan myself with thoughts of a “global” man. Well, maybe i don’t want someone who nods poignantly in agreement with everything I say. I want to learn from someone, grow with someone. As long as he is open to my way of life and respects them, that’s all I need. I think this is why mothers always insist on marrying the more traditional men. I’ve dated “global” and traditional men and it’s always been the more traditional men who remembered to send me peonies right before my difficult interview. They were the ones who put things into perspective when my reach exceeded my grasp. If two people are too similar, then they might as well just date themselves. And ladies, the fact that your parents “matched” you with someone doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing. After all, dating is always a matching process. You go from knowing virtually nothing about someone…to finishing each other’s sentences. Don’t count your mom’s opinion as archaic. You never know who it could lead you to!

      • madman February 19, 2013 at 12:50 AM

        Matching doesn’t work all the time. You can’t leave your future up to chance. God’s will be done.

    • molly February 18, 2013 at 11:22 PM

      i dont know if im fit to contribute to this discussion as i am 21 but funny enough i have started getting the marriage talk from family and family friends cos i finished uni quite early but ive been single for three years now. when i tell people i have no man they dont believe me but oh hell!
      Erm mrs married woman you spoke the truth.
      I also donot want to rush into just any relationship, i know my worth. Some of my friends think my standards are too high but they arent infact before i reach 25 they would become top notch, they would be fine tuned because i am no where near who/where i want to be/reach.

      • molly February 18, 2013 at 11:23 PM

        lol i meant oh well
        pardon my typos im typing with a phone

    • Girlgotanopinion February 18, 2013 at 11:23 PM

      Mrs Married Woman – you better preach ma’am! ##sayitasitis

    • Rola February 19, 2013 at 12:27 AM

      We should all make choices that will keep us happy but na beg I beg every single (whenever u choose to marry /have children)and married women RAISE your sons well. The mediocre men/husbands of today are poorly raised sons of ystday . I am tirrrrrrreeeddddd of feeble boys/men.

    • NNENNE February 19, 2013 at 1:11 AM

      Okasi….wondering if she from the huge okasi family from Owerri. Nice article, though.
      Society should leave single people ( men and women) alone as long as they are not dating married people and breaking up marriages!

    • Let it Be.... February 19, 2013 at 1:14 AM

      As much as I feel bad for my mum…she has learned her lesson!! She pressured both my sisters into marriage..One has a great home but they struggle financially..the other one has a HOSTILE husband…when i say hostile, hmmn….you don’t even know half of it. The prayers/fasting we offered for my sister to get married is not even compared to the ongoing ones for peace in her home right now. She had started pressuring me before, the same woman that brought me up in the way of the Lord was starting to say things like..”He doesn’t have to be spiri-jim-jim” “Just find someone to start your life with, other things would follow”…etc. With the continued financial and emotional stress from my sisters, maami has freed me!! At least, I have a job, I can pay my rent, my career is on the rise, I no fight anybody and nobody fight….glory to God o. Now I bet my mum would be thinking “Okele gbigbe pelu alaafia” when I come to mind.
      Also my thoughts towards love and marriage recently has been…”If I found that which I so long for, would my happy moments be any happier?? would I have more happy moments??” Life is full of ups and downs, single or married, I would have good and bad days…so I just enjoy one day at a time.

    • Folibebe February 19, 2013 at 7:12 AM

      I can’t even bother reading all the responses and I’m sure they all have very good points. I think it’s great that we women have become liberated and educated because it has opened our eyes!! Many African parents or elders are pressuring single ladies/men to just get married! Nothing else. I hear little emphasis on love, compatiblity, character, etc to look for in a mate, just get married. See back in the days people were just getting married because it was the order of life. For women it was their source of survival. Now that women are making the same or even more money than men, There is no need to marry man just so he can be the provider. now we are eagerly waiting for our best friend , lover, team mate, soul mate to marry. In our parents day, Many never knew who they were talk less of who they were marrying. Now we know and believe that there is much more than just getting married but what true love is and how it can lead to marriage. Becareful my sisters and brothers not to force yourself into marriage because you feel you’re getting old, your mates are getting married because at end of your wedding day it just you and your spouse. From what I hear marriage is no walk in the park, so I rather weather the storm with someone I have true AGAPE love…..In the meantime love yourself, work on yourself and be your best self !! Nobody can truly love you if you don’t love yourself. Basically our career and education is not a stumbling block or choice we have to make in order to get what we want. If the sky is the limit then we can have ALL. Be true to yourself ….. love, live and laugh! Life still goes on and a good life it is!!!

    • golden barbie February 19, 2013 at 11:06 AM

      Whaoo whaoo!!
      With all due respect to the write up (which of course shook a few persons here to reality), it seems I actually got more knowledge from the comments..gheez! …it appears the married ones have found a perfect example to feel superior …and with all we have read so far, that the single ones also have well-meaning reasons to keep their heads high amidst all the struggles and PRESSURE of enjoying single-hood! The two sides of a coin always

      Which ever category you belong to, please! kindly and urgently start enjoying your life and the things your everyday brings!! its a marathon…keep running your race and hope to make the finish line (whether you use a short-cut oh!, use the express oh!, use the bumpy adventurous road oh!..your opponent will continually cook up stories to OVERTAKE YOU)..

      Meanwhile, Mrs Married Woman…we should hook up and pretty fast SHIKENA! physically, electronically…every medium is an option biko. Kindly oblige. Thank you (LOL!!)

    • Teniola February 19, 2013 at 1:28 PM

      If that is the only thing in your life, they can pick on and feel superior to you. OMG!!!! That is so correct. The superior tone just irks the life out of me. Where was this attitude when we were both single. You suddenly are not better than me, or have words of wisdom to give me. A friend of mine got married in October last year. I was on her bridal train, and was so active at the wedding, and so happy for her because she worried so much about her being single, I was glad she got married. Only for her to be giving me relationship advice since around xmas. Ehn Teni you see, you can’t do this and that o, ehn, when I was single, bla bla bla, yadi yadi yada, now I’m married, I know what I am saying. Egbami, your marriage is not even up to a year old, you are dishing out advice. Goodness me. I kept quiet and let her talk, until recently she got angry at me and said, see her doing me a favour, trying to advice me, and I’m not listening. She is married now, she knows what she is saying. Let just say the tongue lashing I gave her, she will not quickly forget. I can’t type all I said, but I said to her, she knows nothing, zilch, nada about relationships or marriage. In under a year, she has not learnt anything, enough to advice anyone. In 25yrs time, when life has happened to her as a wife and a mother. By then we will both have stories to share with each other, so until then, she should shut up. Just bec ause forever her marriage will be older than mine, doesn’t mean she has any words of wisdom to pass down to me. I have a mum, I have aunties who have been married for decades. If I want advice, I’ll go to them, not a 26yr old girl, whoi just got married. So like Mrs married woman said, let you all quit the snobbery abeg. I can see that so far, not one married woman has written a comment after mrs married woman, even as a rebuttal. Why na, shame catch una? Did you suddenly see yourself through married woman. Where’s that high horse y*all are perched on. Lol

    • Teniola February 19, 2013 at 1:37 PM

      Ou suddenly see yourself through another married woman’s yes. Lol

    • Madam the Madam February 19, 2013 at 5:07 PM

      All I have to say is that God bless Mrs. Married Woman. Preachhhhhhhhhhhh!

    • Gimmer February 20, 2013 at 4:45 AM

      Lol…this marriage palaver sha

    • Gimmer February 20, 2013 at 5:01 AM

      Thank you o mrs married woman..that was refreshing to read. I personally gave up on marriage after my last jobless boyfriend and his entire family yahoo ‘Ed me. Yup…you read that right. They exploited me and even made me feel guilty to spend my own hard earned money. Several unpaid loans and I had to tell myself ish it ain’t by force to marry Jare…so I gave up. I did what u said..literally cut off all the idiots that are sent to my life to remind me that I’m a failure cow I’m not married. I found a new church …I boycotted NAija church cos those pastors and sisters and elders are very good at making you feel miserable cos you ain’t married. The single you out like you have leprosy….anyway I’m enjoying other blessing that God has bestowed upon me. If he adds husband, fine. If he says no husband…he remains an unchanging unquestionable unshakable God. Awesome wonder….

      • bless you February 22, 2013 at 5:37 PM

        aww Gimmer, sorry about what happened to you. I wish you all the very best with dating and finding the one.

    • HOPE February 22, 2013 at 11:52 PM

      I JUST LOVE MRS MARRIED WOMAN.THANK YOU. I’M GOING BACK TO READ YOUR COMMENTS

    • uche February 24, 2013 at 6:40 PM

      thanks BN, this is why you make my day. I love it when I see real life issues being discussed by real people with solutions that make sense, God bless you all. thats all I have to say. I’m forwarding this article (with emphasis on some of the comments) to some of my very young frineds that think that the peak of your achievement in life is getting married.. and by young oh I mean teenagers looking for husbands!!! as if what do they now want the actually older ones to do

    • Mercy February 25, 2013 at 5:55 AM

      I find some of the comments a bit superficial. A man or woman is not just defined by how many degrees they have. I have a few white MDs and PharmDs etc with husbands who are machinists or electricians or just self employed guys and they seem happy. It seems like in Nigeria we are so status conscious that our love wears bifocals, contacts and even 3 d glasses.
      By the way what’s wrong with getting home and cooking jollof rice. As a well paid, well educated, busy professional with no domestic help in this country, I get home every evening and cook for my husband and children. Why does our society judge a book by its cover? Did Zuckerberg and Michael Dell and even Bill gates have a degree. Let’s snap out of this stuck up snobbishness otherwise a lot of women and men will miss their God given spouses.

    • John February 25, 2013 at 1:13 PM

      “Global girls need global boys”??? Very funny and revealing. I am a so-called global boy, and I only have a need for a good woman, not one qualified by such a presumptious pronoun. Your level of education and income (while nice to have an maybe indicative of other good things about you) are not the reason why any good man would choose you to spend his life with.

      • John February 25, 2013 at 1:17 PM

        Correction: “presumptuous adjective”

      • Eve May 4, 2013 at 10:23 AM

        I’m still reeling with laughter over the global boys vs global girls statement. Lord have mercy on me, and give me the grace and courage to do the things that please you.

    • Dadaa February 26, 2013 at 2:10 PM

      Mrs Married woman…..i love your comments its an obvious truth that many seems to be blind from, God bless you abundantly.