Dog House with Esco: The Introduction

Welcome to the Dog-House, an Esco joint on BellaNaija’s real estate.

What is a Dog-House? It is a utopia or a  purgatory  men are sent to, when they are on bad terms with their girl, significant other or spouse.

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Or a lass burned. By your actions or the STDs you gave her. You ever heard that R-Kelly song? No, not the one where he is feeling on the “Booty”. I should so wish. The other one that goes “When a woman’s fed up, there is nothing you can do about it…”

Almost every lad has done time in the Dog-House. Without experience, you learn how to prison break out of it, by how sweet-talking your girl into glorious make-up sex or some kind of truce. Or you knuckle down and do your time without striking out or threatening to send her back to her mother. Or ex-boyfriend.

A man who can make things right by an angry woman can do all things, and may time and tide strengthen him. Go and sin no more, bruv.

But we Nigerian man are a special breed. With time, we learnt to come to love the Dog-House.  While oyibo men walk on egg shells and suck up to their significant other, until they are forgiven, Nigerian menfolk have become jail thirsty seasoned veterans. Madiba did 27 years in prison, but could not survive a quarter of that time in his missus’ dog house.

Yep, we are a special breed. We have discovered that the Dog-House is not so bad after-all.  We spruced up the place a little bit – added a comfy sofa, a flat screen TV, a wine cooler fridge and some Wifi. Now the place is fit for a deposed king, without his queen. Let a dog roam, and sometimes it may not find its way home. Very occasionally the Dog-House receives a conjugal visitor – Palm-ela and her five side-chick sisters – Pinkie, Thumbelina, Indexa and 2 others whose name I forget. They come with their cousin Jergens. We do not like them much.

So a light bulb went on in my head. Why not create a monthly forum where dudes can come and exchange ideas. Talk about what we are going through. A thug’s mansion. No, I don t like that name. A frat-house. No, that could be misconstrued as blending chaps for cultism. An Esco joint….a Dog House! Duh. Face-Palm!

Chicks are welcome too, but on our terms. It is our house, and we can do what we want to. No toilet seats are put back down in the Dog-House. Matter of fact, you may find the occasional dirty dishes in the sink here, next to a pot of nkwobi and a crates of chilled Gulder. Oh, and football is on all day in the Dog-House. If you ask nicely, and are willing and patient, we may explain the offside rule to you.  No male bashing is allowed in the Dog-House unless it is backed by hard facts and done in a tasteful constructive manner with names, dates and justifications. Then we can caution the erring brother, as bros do. That is never excusable. Oh what happens in the Dog-House stays in the Dog-House. Just like Vegas. And Owerri. And those hotels in Lekki and Abuja.

See you then, and bring your typing fingers.

One Love,

Esco

Photo Credit: Dreamstime

26 Comments on Dog House with Esco: The Introduction
  • Wale January 21, 2016 at 11:17 am

    Bellanaija, I have a very deep and thought-provoking piece I would like to share with you, how do I go about it?

  • kilipot January 21, 2016 at 11:24 am

    *smiles* we will be reading.

  • Ewa January 21, 2016 at 11:40 am

    Male version on aunty Bella abi???

  • whocares January 21, 2016 at 12:01 pm

    ooooh I, I , I, I.. I want to be in the dog house too. lool. see how Esco has washed everyone with grammar and articulate writing. lool. be making the dog house look like a cool kids club. I peep you. lol. jokes apart, it is a brilliant initiative. Well done Esco for coming up with that.

  • Taiwo January 21, 2016 at 12:11 pm

    “Very occasionally the Dog-House receives a conjugal visitor – Palm-ela and her five side-chick sisters – Pinkie, Thumbelina, Indexa and 2 others whose name I forget. They come with their cousin Jergens. We do not like them much.” This bit had me in stitches!! LOOOOOOL!!!

  • Wale January 21, 2016 at 12:30 pm

    Please help me Bellanaija’s contact

  • isaid!! January 21, 2016 at 12:51 pm

    Abeg, i am very lost here. I usually enjoy esco’s writings. Could someone please summarize what message he was trying to pass across.

    • Mz Socially Awkward… January 21, 2016 at 1:50 pm

      As Ewa inferred above, the “mens dem-dem” will be writing in once every month to give their own angle on respective relationship wahalas, vent, seek counsel, maybe polishing off some bowls of peppersoup between themselves whilst catching up on Match of The Day…

      Esco, don’t you lads already do something very similar to this every Friday evening when you branch from work to Mama Ngo’s beer parlour for hangouts with your boys before heading home?

      🙂

  • Thatgidigirl January 21, 2016 at 12:59 pm

    Nope, its almost impossible to send naija men to the dog house o! You the lady would end up in the dog house instead complete with a collar, chain and your tail between your legs. They always know how to somehow turn the situation around in their favour….
    Woman: who is This Agnes that’s always calling you?
    Naija guy: I don’t know who Agnes is, why are you going through my phone? That’s how you put too much pepper in the stew yesterday!!!!! (Walks away angry)
    Woman: confused face
    End of conversation, one week malice, woman begs or gives him his fave meal/position. No dog house!

    • whocares January 21, 2016 at 1:25 pm

      @ThatGG: basket mouth!!! He made a similar joke. I almost choked laughing. lol.. So true, one time I went to the previous uncle’s house vexing, the vex ehn ko ni part 2 and I was PREPARED! I had my reasons for anger listed and he was going to hear such blistering words from me. I got in, sat down, mo wu like bread to ja si omo (swollen as a bread in water?) and I started with the inquisition.. somehow in the course of 10 minutes I lost my vex. Till today I don’t even understand cos I had such valid reasons as well and I just lost it. Somehow the responses I was getting were rational. ahh. That was when I realised that the dude can kill a person, convince you that your murder is a necessity, and you will agree-you will happily and willingly enter the coffin with your own pillow and even ask if you should lie on your back or on your side. anything to do to help. He might even ask if you are comfy and your response will be “yess boss” as you close the coffin on yourself but not before sending a cheerful goodbye his way.
      @Wale: at the bottom of this page there is a “the team” link.. click on that it has all the info you need. No, no sarcasm intended. lol.
      @isaid: *crickets*

      • Daybreak January 21, 2016 at 2:24 pm

        @whocares ur comment got me laughing so hard in the office. everyone’s looking at me and wondering … 😮

      • Blueberry January 21, 2016 at 3:43 pm

        @whocares You just killed my ribs sha! LOL.

      • nwanyi na aga aga January 22, 2016 at 4:43 pm

        hahahahahahhahahaha! whocares o…Chai! This girl sef

    • Iris January 21, 2016 at 2:22 pm

      ‘That’s how you put too much pepper in the stew yesterday’ #Dead! LMAO. I swear some of them are demons, lol.

    • Blackbeauty January 21, 2016 at 3:22 pm

      That GG and who cares: ROTFL. you both just killed me. What has yesterday’s pepper got to do with Agnes? Lol. Nobody leaves me standing with a confused look o! My mama no be lawyer for nothing.

    • PH Boy January 23, 2016 at 10:12 am

      I think this is the funniest i have read on BN till date!! Damn! I now have a headache from all the laughing.
      Thats a naija man’s joker and you guys keep falling for it! Lol

  • ForTheRightsOfMen January 21, 2016 at 5:39 pm

    Mr author, I have been to purgatory and it’s an ok but not a good place to be at. I agree that Nigeria men are a special breed. That’s why I am fighting for the rights of (Nigerian) men. I prefer heaven because there you have everything that gives you an endless peace of mind.

  • Riri January 22, 2016 at 1:31 pm

    Check this out – my infant son is crying so I carry him against husband’s wish. He gets up and beats me (i hate using the word) – punch, chokehold, slaps etc. My nanny is with me so she called my father. My father goes to his parents house to cause a brawl.
    Do you know the husband is more upset that my father caused a brawl in his parents house. Not because he violated me. Do you believe he is giving me attitude for that??

    • Uche January 22, 2016 at 3:23 pm

      Your daddy apparently loves you. Please take time out to pay him a long visit.

    • nunulicious January 22, 2016 at 9:01 pm

      leave that house now! the time apart may help.

    • californiabawlar January 23, 2016 at 12:41 am

      Haaaa!! You are still in his house?!! Doing what?? Waiting to pick the type of wood for your coffin??? You better carry your kaya and pikin comot that place back to your father!

      Are you kidding me? he choked you? and you say it so casually?? Ta!! Like Uche said time to pay your father a permanent visit…I’m sure your miniskirt is still in one of the wardrobes…dust it and hit the streets time to find another husband.

      If you want to stay for next time sha….tell your father to find correct area boys to waylay him and give him correct wozing!! THEN LEAVE…no be person wey well dey give attitude? Plus you no go even dey sef…

    • D January 23, 2016 at 11:14 am

      Like others said, please get out of that environment for now and don’t continue to subject yourself and your infant son to life with this physically abusive man – you pick up your child and are subjected to chokehold, punches, slaps??? Your husband is out of control and needs serious help. But your immediate concern right now should be for your safety and well-being.

  • Sherri January 23, 2016 at 12:21 am

    @Riri,
    Why was ur dad brawling at his father’s house? Did his dad violate you? Some naija parents and semantics!! If there should be any brawling it should have been at ur violators house!! Btw, u are in an abusive marriage.. Domestic violence should not be taken lightly. Ur nonchalant description is very disturbing.

  • D January 23, 2016 at 12:59 pm

    @ Sherri when I got to the ? Was when I realized that it is a true something O.@ RiRi am not checking DV out please Haa! black men are the least of all races to commit suicide so before you marry one you should be ready to 1) Grow with him madness, money and all 2) have good negotiating skill or learn to keep quiet. Choking you! Where comparing longest throat or strongest vocal cord? Woman,I don’t know what to say , just do what your common sense feel is right.

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