I was having a chat with my 19-year-old sister a couple of days ago. In the midst of the usual gossip, she told me she got a message from a guy, telling her he broke his arm and wants my sister to come over to help him. She then went on to explain to me that the guy has been hitting on her for months now so it was obvious this was his ‘genius’ plans to get her to come over.
This got me thinking about how far men have gone to get the nookie. I mean, of course there is the “just the tip” guy. I am almost sure all women have encountered this guy at least once. You know the one. He goes, “please baby, just the tip, I won’t go in all the way, please naaaaw.” Yeah, like the reason I said ‘no’ is because I am completely terrified of the shaft.
I once went over to this other dude’s place. Let’s call him Jamal. He dined me, we some laughs, then about an hour into our date, he began the groping n’ grabbing. After making it clear that nothing was going to happen, he clutched his stomach, moaning in pain, while trying to explain to me that he had a severe case of blue balls. Overdramatic much?
Then there was Deji. He came over to my hostel once, around noon. He did the groping thing, but eventually left around 3:00pm. Only for him to come back at about 6:30pm, saying he could not find a bus home. Apparently he has been at the bus stop for over 3 hours and now he is requesting to spend the night with me. I instantly kicked him out, telling him he would be better off sleeping at the bus stop. Till date, I have no idea where the dude was at for 3 hours, strategizing his get-the-nookie scheme.
Bayo was the most extreme of all though. We were at my hostel once, hanging out as usual. After sharing a few kisses, he went on to tell me he was impotent and that he had never had an erection. I was shocked, but I sort of felt safe after that. I mean, if he can’t get it up, nothing was gonna happen, right? Only for him to have an unmistakable boner a few minutes into our make out session. With wide eyes and an awestruck smile, he goes, “this has never happened before. There must be something about you. Wow!”
I kid you not, it was the weirdest evening I ever experience. I almost fell for it too, until it occurred to me that this sounds very creepy. I would not want an erection that came out of nowhere after he spent up to 25 years not getting one.
It was a few weeks later that I found out that this was a pretty popular line among guys. It makes sense if you think about it. A guy tells you that and you feel a bit more relaxed because he is suddenly unthreatening. Then he tells you about the mystery erection and you feel like a total sex kitten thinking you got some magic skills. This will make you want to prove to him how extremely sexy and hot you are, and BOOM! Legs apart, homeboy is sliding in happily.
While working on this piece, I decided to ask my male buddies how far they have gone to get in a woman’s panties. Dimeji told me of the day he visited a female friend. Sometime in the evening, she agreed to let him spend the night but insisted that he was not getting some. Thus began what he referred to as the longest night of his life. He spent virtually the whole night trying to convince her. She even let him touch her, but as soon as he reached for her ‘hotspot’ she snatched his hands away. He pleaded, begged and even cried. Finally, he let go and went to sleep sometime before dawn. At about 6am he was awoken by the babe, who took off her clothes and said, “oya just come and do jare, make pesin rest.”
At that point he was already drained by the chase. He was too exhausted to be excited and although he got what he wanted, he said he felt used and pitied. So pity sex isn’t good for the guy? Interesting.
My husband refused to share any of his stories. But he did tell me about a friend of his, Mike. Mike loves extremely curvy women. So when he was able to get one with a huge badonkadonk to come home with him, he was over the moon. After the kissing session, he took off his clothes, ready for action.
The babe then told him she changed her mind, saying she would only sleep with guys she believed she had a future with. Mike began to desperately promise that he loves her, will marry her, blah blah blah. She stood her ground and told him she does not believe him. Naked Mike then raced into the living room, and returned with a bible. He went on his knees, in all his nude glory and swore on the bible that he had only the best intention for the girl. He did eventually get what he wanted, but damn, boy! *smh*.
All these stories have something in common though. The lady chooses to spend time alone with a guy, knowing she won’t be giving him some. I am all for women’s right to do what they want but even I think this is a bit cruel. I learned fast that if you choose to get in the same room alone with a guy you know is interested in you, then of course he will expect sex. So it is misleading if you do so, not to mention increasing the chances that you will be taken advantage of.
And as for the broken-armed guy calling my sister for help, I simply advised her to tell him that, if he truly broke his arm, needs help and is calling some chick he finds hot to save him, then he really does not deserve to have an arm. You no know where your mama dey?
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