The Journey to ‘I Am’ with Tolu Falode: The Dilemma of Fake Friendships

TOLU FALODEI like to think friendships transcend years and months and even days of non communication because it is built on a unique connection affirmed through consistent actions. As in any other relationship, I believe friendships are determined by a deep level of involvement from both sides of the scales to achieve a balanced interaction and a comfortable level of disclosure. But what about the friendships that are built in the years of childhood-years of innocence, when a smile was genuine and a laugh was not tinged by a tone of sarcasm; what about friendships that were built in the days of secondary school before the hit of puberty infiltrated the hearts and minds of pre pubescent views? Before there was a whiff of reality that changed the course of daily lives and infected the innocence of a genuine smile?

What about those friendships that were built in boarding schools? Where secrets were shared and hearts were still trusting and eager to bond-still somewhat detached from the trials and tribulations that seem to wait before the doorways of university to usher one into the real life experiences in this world?

Do they still carry the scent of trust when you meet on the other side of that door? Do they still carry the same level of commitment and consistency even though a lot has changed since you last exchanged words? Can you trust those secrets you once shared with this person with the same level of confidence as you did before?

I find it so interesting how time and seasons change our different perspectives because of each unique experience that has dotted and determined our present intuitions and beliefs. But I do wonder if it infects the purity and confidence, the laughter and smiles that were built as clear and clean foundations of trust when we formed those links.

There are some friends you haven’t spoken to in months but time fails to threaten the level of connection and ease that inhabits your unique bond. There are others that were built in the hallways of trust-bound together by a unique set of circumstances that seemed to foster the basis of complete reliance in each other’s words. But do those same circumstances still house your present interactions? Can you still trust those friends with the same level of insight and communication that colour your daily situations? Or is there now a shadow of doubt that hovers over those interactions? Is it more of an experiment that depends on your level of communication with one another? Or is it placed on a scale of disclosure that is dependent on a trade and batter of information-a form of display of commitment by exposure of intimate situations? And if so, how does one navigate this terrain of present relations that seemed to have gone through the season of flourishing in years before the world walked you through reality and exposed you to situations that shaped your present individuality?

How does one bring those friendships from the past into the present with the same feelings of trust and commitment that were built at a time where foundations were common because of the basis of interactions that coloured your unified experiences?

Is the same level of trust still present? And what if it is not? How do you deal with the unique sting that comes from a past friend’s present dagger of hurt? A stab in the back offered in return for welcoming words.

I believe these are questions that are created in the atmosphere of friendly conversations-where words no longer carry the same clarity as they did in childhood, or thoughts are no longer as clearly or eagerly expressed as they once were in the hallways of boarding schools but there are those friendships that are built in these early stages of development that weather the storms and show a bond of commitment. There are those friendships that are a testimony by their very presence in your struggles-those that continue to bloom past the innocence of childhood; those are the very special ones. The ones that come with a uniquely built bond that time cannot break with months and years because once you hear one another’s voices it is as if, time played no part in your conversations-it is as if time failed to scratch the innocence of your connection.

And then there are those that are built in the years of new commitment-in marriages-where a unique form of experience binds you to one another-a source of support and strength through this new blossoming excitement.

Those are the special ones. But then again, there are the ones that seem to come from this form of trust and truth, but time exposes them through the wounds they produce in you-friendships you were convinced were true but time has shown them to be nothing but false illusions of good. What do you do with those friendships that leave behind such a deep bruise? They burn with a sting that hurts with such a spite filled sore taste of truth-and close up the pathways of entrance in your heart that were once opened up to receive new bonds and new souls to interact; but have now fallen apart. What do you do when these so called trusted few cheat on you? When they spoil your home with their deception and even take your spouses in the wake of their betrayal?

Those are the dangerous ones because of the damage they do to trust and in some cases, they show you time does not really change anyone-in an attempt to reach out a hand of commitment based on a past foundation of similar development, no matter how recent, there are the friendships that stab you in the back and show you the true face of a fake interaction-those are the friendships that are dangerous in nature.

So I guess my point is how does one balance where the scale falls in a friendship that was built on past commitment and truth? How do you know they do not hold a dagger to your present views? They may smile and laugh and treasure your interactions only by evidence of their words that become knives when produced in their actions-trusts that turn to thorns used against your blinded love for what you thought was a shared bond.

Has that ever happened to you? Friendships are tricky. There are some that are true; but be careful of the ones that do nothing but backbite you. They hold a particular bitter taste of truth-not to trust just anyone based on a past pact that has changed in its present hues.

Be careful not to expose those friendships to your inner views-be careful not to bring them into the intimacy of your sanctuary, your home, and your family-especially those that remain close by when sharing your marital views-the hearts of men are wicked and woven with wounds-be careful those you trust, are not pretending to be close just so they can find a way to harm you.

16 Comments on The Journey to ‘I Am’ with Tolu Falode: The Dilemma of Fake Friendships
  • Idontget January 31, 2016 at 8:48 am

    lovely article Tolu! as always!!!

  • Smackdown January 31, 2016 at 9:55 am

    This is great and very true. It’s quite simple really, the older you get the less friends you have. The ones that do stick around are the ones worth having. They are there no matter what, LIFE doesn’t get in the way. Unfortunately ours is a nation built on false friendships. Friends who are friendly with you for various reasons. There are those that stick around solely for the purpose of knowing who you know, there are those that just want an invitation to the latest shindig (cough cough), there are those that are friends with you solely because your name carries some weight, and so it goes. Eveyone is in on the hood though and they continue on with their lives knowing, and accepting that this is what it is.

  • Smackdown January 31, 2016 at 9:56 am

    Meant to say eveyone is in on it….damn autocorrect

  • ApieceOfMe January 31, 2016 at 10:22 am

    I have been burned countless times by friends. Not by my own doing, but somehow, even after they offend me & I cut them off, they spread flase rumors about me to turn even strangers against me. These are people I have been nothing but gracious & kind to. Because of them, I am unable to trust again. I don’t trust people because I have been stabbed too many times. I have been told by my family that I’m too friendly, welcoming & accepting of even the poorest calibre of people I should never have associated myself with. In my attempt to “not judge” anyone based on their lifestyle choices, their bad reputations even rubbed off on me even though my morals & actions are completely different from theirs. I was raised different, but now, everyone thinks I am just like them. They say, “Show me your friends & I will tell you who you are”…I never paid that any attention because I believed in my own individuality but guess what? Those that see you associating with people with poor characters will automatically label you as one of them. Till today, I have been unable to clean the false reputation attached to my name thanks to evil friends, frenemies & envy. If there is any advise I’d give to anyone reading this, please choose your friends wisely. I have never betrayed a friend, but I have lost count of the knives lodged in my back.

  • Tosin January 31, 2016 at 10:58 am

    mmmm.
    goosebumps.
    God bless us all.

  • coco zee January 31, 2016 at 12:07 pm

    I had a friend for 13 year and she dealt with me.she was/is jealous of me and tried to bring me down.I shudder to think that we ate together! Now that I know what I know, she could have easily poisoned me.she went as far as going diabolic on me cos I was getting married to the man that she thinks she deserves! A man who doesn’t even know her but out of pain that am getting married,she almost killed me just to achieve her evil plans.truth is out and I will NEVER makes friends again.in fact I am now very distant and have no desire to mingle with any except my siblings.when you see an Ishan and a snake.kill the ishan person first.(I apologise to all good ishans)
    When I do get married, my husband,kids and siblings will remain the only friends I will keep.
    Just an advice to ladies, keep your mouth shut!!!! Don’t reveal your secrets,dreams and aspirations to your so called best friend.she might just be the devil herself and use these info against you.
    Peace.

    • Cindy January 31, 2016 at 2:52 pm

      Just because it happened to you doesn’t mean it will happen to everybody else. Do whatever rocks your boat.

      • The real dee February 1, 2016 at 1:54 am

        Did she say you should do what she said or did she force you to accept her views? Your comment is simply unwarranted. She didn’t put a knife to your neck to stop you from making friends, so move along and make your own sensible comment.

    • Abby January 31, 2016 at 5:04 pm

      Yea ishans r wicked…I dey fear dem like bad habit

  • elle_og_elle January 31, 2016 at 3:04 pm

    Interesting read. …. ?
    Well…only a weak person with an inferiority complex attempts to and alway wants to burn a person’s character in any given opportunity in an unpleasant/ undesirable
    manner for others to see you in that way. .. Pay no attention to such individual see it as an eye opener and GROWTH process in life that gives you wisdom to operate in the wicked world we live in and that for it to get to such a negative level and negative attempt from them, its a reminder you had no business being acquaintances or friends, opening your family your house to and most importantly letting your guard down around them… learn from it, your friendship and your energy is not for everyone. As you grow older keep your circle smaller, (open your eyes and dont get carried away with the ones always posting/quoting bible and Gods doing and their mouthpiece and self are far from his ways it’s a façade for the cyber space ? and our environment and detect too the ones that come to you with ‘everybody’s gist’ , thier friends gist that wasn’t suppose to get out , false gist ,not accurate and made up stories and what they “claim” they heard about you that someone told them ) But then again some friendships are built on this.^^^ it’s their water to their thirsty friendship…..to each is his own..
    So give yourself peace, most importantly be successful in whatever you do, you see because if God shows them a glimpse of how successful your future would be you probably would not see their shenanigans coming… Dont change your genuine self/heart cos of a fool, you will eventually have the right ones around as you learn and grow everyday.. . …. and the funny part is God always has a way of exposing and disgracing them one way or the other for who they really are and you just might have a front seat…☺

  • Blueberry January 31, 2016 at 3:05 pm

    This is so true. I have 2 childhood friends that I am still very close to. It is just a bond. I have known them for 20 and 25 years. Yes, that long. We may go for months, years even without talking but deep inside we remember and love each other like sisters. When we meet again, it is like those months and years never went by. They are part of the roots in my life, and don’t need/or want to be seen. We acknowledge and respect our differences. We support each other, the best way we can. We have each other’s shoulder to cry on, when our moms are not there to wipe the tears. We are there for each other and that is what counts most.

    Now there are the friends I have known for long. The first actually used the friendship to her advantage so many times, but sadly what drew us appart was her gossiping. She never kept things we told each other to herself. All info I shared was out and about before I could close my eyes and open them. The second, the worst gossip I have known. Still a gossip though. That gossiping caused a break-up in my relationship once, and that was the last straw for me. Imagine your friend telling your boo all the wrong things about you. Years later she came back with “its all in the past. Let’s move on.” For me, “Hell yes, but mind your business and stick to your lane.” I wasn’t going to be fooled twice. I built a clear distance between both.

    I learnt my lesson.. Some come to stay, others come with a clear purpose to use, others come to know every detail in your life and help spread the news, while some come to steal and destroy.

  • fleur January 31, 2016 at 3:12 pm

    SO SO SO SO TRUE. in fact, the friends i have now date back to secondary school. those bonds were deep and permanent. that is all I need. the others are acquaintances who want to be around you for various reasons including whether or not you are hanging out with people they are desperate to know, and also because they saw you with a pair of loubs.dem no kno your saks hustle.

  • elle_og_elle January 31, 2016 at 3:13 pm

    Interesting read. …. ?
    Well…only a weak person with an inferiority complex attempts to and alway wants to burn a person’s character in any given opportunity in an unpleasant/ undesirable
    manner for others to see you in that way. .. Pay no attention to such individual see it as an eye opener and GROWTH process in life that gives you wisdom to operate in the wicked world we live in and that for it to get to such a negative level and negative attempt from them, its a reminder you had no business being acquaintances or friends, opening your family your house to and most importantly letting your guard down around them… learn from it, your friendship and your energy is not for everyone. As you grow older keep your circle smaller, (open your eyes and dont get carried away with the ones always posting/quoting bible and Gods doing and their mouthpiece and self are far from his ways it’s a façade for the cyber space ? and our environment and detect too the ones that come to you with ‘everybody’s gist’ , thier friends gist that wasn’t suppose to get out , false gist ,not accurate and made up stories and what they “claim” they heard about you that someone told them ) But then again some friendships are built on this.^^^ it’s their water to their thirsty friendship…..to each is his own..
    So give yourself peace, look up to the most high Man above everything, most importantly be successful in whatever you do, you see because if God shows them a glimpse of how successful your future would be you probably would not see their shenanigans coming… Dont change your genuine self/heart cos of a fool, you will eventually have the right ones around as you learn and grow everyday.. . …. and the funny part is God always has a way of exposing and disgracing them one way or the other for who they really are and you just might have a front seat…☺

  • Author Unknown January 31, 2016 at 11:14 pm

    Tolu, your articles are deep and well-written. They may not draw the same level of comment traffic as say a ‘Toke’ story, unfortunately, but keep putting out things that are meaningful. Sometimes, it’s better to watch the circus from a distance than be a part of it.

    Friendship is indeed tricky. Those formed in our days of innocence hold that special meaning to us, but I tell you, life’s experiences shape who we are as adults. People go from amazing to terrible sometimes through no real fault of theirs. When I see #nonewfriends and things like that, I laugh. The circumstances of our lives might not have brought us together earlier, but when you meet people whose spirits are one with yours, you know, and those are the ones I hold dearest to my heart. Time plays a huge role, but goodness is what I look for in a friend, old or new.

    • Tolu Falode
      Tolu Falode February 10, 2016 at 1:28 am

      Thank you so much for this comment! I appreciate my readers and love sharing content true to my experiences and will continue to do so-but I just wanted to give a shout out of appreciation-hope you continue to read and I will continue to be true in sharing 🙂 God Bless!

  • Fossil February 1, 2016 at 6:51 pm

    Please people how can u interpret a friend that come for a visit in your home sat with her legs wide open in front of your husband opening and closing it simultaneously as my husband stand I front of her gisting , I notice he was distracted could not concentrate again???

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