Loud Thinker: When Does Being Miss Independent Become Too Much?

dreamstime_l_58894266Is being a Miss Independent pushing men away? Does a man find a Miss Independent attractive, arrogant or is it a total turn off? You know the girl who reaches for the bill the moment it lands on the table? And not jokingly either. She will pay the bill before you even see how much it is. The girl who will not let you do favours for her and will not let you help her in her struggling moments.

Some might say it is not a big deal but one of the love languages is action. Some people show love by doing and if you are not letting him “do” then it could be taken negatively. We could push it to the extreme and talk about some of us girls who would not let a man open the door for us because we can do it ourselves. Well that’s if the man wanted to open the door in the first place. Are we killing chivalry ourselves or has chivalry been dead long ago which led to the birth of Miss Independent?

I think I have become Miss Independent without realizing it. I grew up with the idea that I can do things for myself and I don’t need to rely on anyone. It is a great way to think, but not in all situations and one guy in particular made sure that I got that lesson.

He took me out one evening and with no set plans, we decided to “bar hop” since I was new to the city. The first place we went to was very nice and we had a few cocktails. He paid the bill. We left for the second bar which was more of a lounge. I was hungry and decided to have something to eat. He was not hungry, so he ordered a drink. We ended up having a few drinks here. I was done eating but still enjoying my drink when he got up to go to the bathroom. I thought “hey this is the perfect time to pay for the bill without him knowing” and it will be cute to see his reaction. I was honestly trying to do something cute and romantic. So I told the waiter my plan and I paid as fast as I could. When my guy came back from the bathroom, he asked if I wanted another drink or go try another bar. I told him we could go somewhere else but first I need to use the bathroom. When I came back, he gave me a smirk so I figured he asked for the bill and the waiter told him it was paid. I started smiling and then he told me “you are laughing because you know what you did”. And then his face got serious and he gave me the talk about making him feel less than a man. He said he is supposed to take care of the lady and that I should never do that again. So in my head I said “…well there goes my effort of trying to do something cute”. Needless to say that this was the discussion for the rest of the night.

Was it that serious? I wondered as I got home that night. What was even paining the bros more? Was it that I paid a bill in front of people? Did I bruise his ego? What was it? If you ask me I will say I did not think it was that serious. It was just a way of surprising him and doing something cute but I think I need to stop doing that or should I? I mean is it wrong for a woman to pay for a date if she wants to? I always ask friends around me before I write about a topic and some friends told me “you need to let a man be a man”. It’s not like he would not have paid in the scenario I described earlier. But does “being a man” mean you have to always pay for dates? If that’s what it means then I understand the hype of “Netflix and chill”

And then we have those men who will totally take advantage of the Miss Independent to the point where I might as well label them as Mr Dependent rather than what social media calls them “F*** boys”. At the end if feels like being too independent is a loss-loss situation because on one hand, you pay and he gets upset because he is too “macho” or you pay and it turns into a habit where he always expects you to bring out your wallet. I know there is always a happy medium but with most people that I have tried this with, they ended up either being too comfortable with me always taking the bill or they just were offended by the act. It’s tough to depend on people when most of your life you have had to do it on your own.

I always tell my friends that when you go on a date, make sure you have money to pay for yourself and the other person’s meal in case something “funny” happens. I am learning to let the bill seat for at least 1 minute before reaching for it. And if it is the first date and I pay the bill, it will probably just be the last. I know some people will say “that is how you will miss out on Mr. Right” and my answer is that I am not looking for him.

I think there is nothing wrong with being Independent as long as it is not being done to prove a point. Have you experienced this before? And why do men get so upset when this happens?

Photo Credit: Dreamstime

39 Comments on Loud Thinker: When Does Being Miss Independent Become Too Much?
  • Mz_Danielz March 10, 2016 at 2:05 pm

    Bia nne, don’t be paying for drinks Biko. Which kain independence be that.

    It’s your God given right as a woman to be spent on.

    • Olu March 10, 2016 at 2:30 pm

      Your last statement …..I’ll keep quiet.

    • Mr. Egghead March 10, 2016 at 3:38 pm

      | It is your God given right as a woman to be spent on.

      GBAM ! GBAMMER!! GBAMMEST!!!
      Male chivalry is dead and feminism killed it – Dave Chapelle

      Once you start asking yourself if it is too much, then, it is too much.

      *drops mic and waits for Natu to comment

      • Natu March 10, 2016 at 5:38 pm

        @Eggy it is not my God given right. I am not entitled to any man or woman’s money. I am not even entitled to my parents money. I am not waiting on a man for sustain my lifestyle. I do that myself. Is this clear enough for you?

      • Natu March 10, 2016 at 5:50 pm

        *to sustain

      • Tee April 4, 2016 at 12:35 pm

        He actually said ‘Chivalry is dead and women killed it”..that whole feminism one you made up all by yourself.

    • iyke March 10, 2016 at 4:01 pm

      ??Very wrong notion…..it isn’t your right and you arent irreplaceable hun!

  • Ada March 10, 2016 at 2:30 pm

    If I will be getting the bill, I announce at the beginning. I just say “this one is on me” of “this is my treat”. Somehow I know when the bill should be on me and it is usually when he has spent a lot already in the course of the day or when he is running about looking for more affordable alternatives to something I can afford (I know then that his purse has started pinching). Aside from these two instances, he generally picks the bills and I don’t struggle for it at all. Relationships are pretty much give and take, know when to give and when to take. Don’t take too much, don’t give too much. Strike a balance. No matter how long the bill sits between us, I won’t reach for it if I didn’t already plan to.

    He is also honest enough to be upfront when he is broke and it is always before not after we go out! That way I can say, oya make we siddon for house or make we commot, I go pay!

  • Olu March 10, 2016 at 2:36 pm

    If you want to pick up the tab, go right ahead…your choice. I wont stop you.
    Just don’t go around calling me cheap….because I’m not. When I invite you out to dinner, I intend to pay for everything we do/eat. IF you INSIST to pay for some of it, I’ll accept and appreciate it ….you are kinda showing we you are ready to be a team player.

    Just don’t do it in a tacky manner…pretty pls.
    I want to be with someone who completes my already complete self …and vice versa.
    You don’t need to throw your independence in my face…because I wont.

    • Olu March 10, 2016 at 2:39 pm

      Now, when we are married (which I am), it is a different situation – we have ONE purse. So either one can pull out a credit card and pay for it all. No one cares or feels left out.

    • Tee March 12, 2016 at 11:07 am

      Oh I am in love with you already, you single?

      • jay March 13, 2016 at 8:03 pm

        …when we are married(which I am)

  • Lalala March 10, 2016 at 2:38 pm

    Went on a date …… Bill came , I leaned over and saw 50 dollars ….I smiled and in my mind …..its just 50 dollars …nigguh pay up !!! I had my money too but learning to hold back a little on the whole independence thing.

  • C’s Bae! March 10, 2016 at 2:40 pm

    My bf and i talked about this yesterday. As much as i am independent, i have learnt to allow the guy take charge of somethings because i have been a victim of one too many ”mr dependent” Nice artice hun, u hit d nail on d head!!

  • Cindy March 10, 2016 at 2:49 pm

    I believe you can be miss independent without making yourself into a super woman. You ask for help once in a while, not because you can’t do something, but because it would be nice to be taken care of too. If you pay school fees today without asking for DH’s contribution, be rest assured that you will be paying it all by yourself till your kids get out of college. You’ll just end up frustrated and resentful.
    In the dating game, I abide by a simple rule. If I am the one saying “let’s go out”, I have it at the back of my mind to cover the expenses. If oga is the one saying it, be rest assured that I will not be dipping my hand into my purse. If we cannot afford to go out, we will both sit down inside the house and drink garri while watching telemundo. It is not that serious.

    • Gina March 10, 2016 at 3:40 pm

      I think we shouldn’t be asking for help if we can afford it. If you want something, get it for yourself. If he wanted to buy it for you, you wouldn’t have to ask. For stuff like living expenses, you share the expenses eg children’s fees, holidays, household stuff. This is assuming that you’re both earning at par.
      Marriage is a partnership and it also helps your relationship. It’s easier for him to be 100% honest about what he earns and where he keeps it (works for me). Also, it’s easier for him in general, knowing that he has someone he can talk about how much he has/ when things are tough. It gives your relationship a new dimension, when the man knows that much more is expected from him than just “money”, which is much more than can be said about many Nigerian husbands and fathers. At least your children will remember daddy as someone who did way more than pay school fees and discipline us because he paid school fees.

  • guest March 10, 2016 at 2:52 pm

    It seems like articles about how women should or should not behave are in vogue now on BN. Almost everyday, there is an article about independent women overdoing it, fake African feminists, all women being like Kim Kardashian, etc, It is getting a bit old. No offence to you Loud Thinker, I do respect your opinion because you are also female so you understand what women go through in our society. However, I wonder why can’t we let women be. If a woman feels like she has to prove something by being independent, by all means, let her do so. You do not know her story. On the other hand, if you want to be super submissive, knock yourself out. If you want to be in the middle, go for it! It is no one’s business. It isn’t rocket science, different strokes for different folks. The men that don’t like an independent woman can simply avoid her and those that don’t like submissive women can also do that. Women are always expected to bend themselves in order to make some guy with esteem issues feel happy. Someone once told me that women need to allow men feel like men. I was like huh? When did it become my responsibility to make a man feel like a man? Isn’t he the best person to know what makes him happy? The simple solution is to avoid people who are not your type, stop trying to change people to make others happy. This is why a lot of marriages are unhappy. A man that prefers a shy/ quiet woman who is not opinionated will go and marry a woman that loves expressing herself and then he will start trying to beat her into the shape he wants. So ridiculous. Search for the type of person who loves you as you are, whether you like to pay bills for yourself and buy your own drinks, whether you are a feminist or not, whether you love attention, nakedness and money like Kim Kardashian or whether you are in the middle of everything- after all, men aren’t perfect either. You don’t see articles chastising men for being to independent. A man is allowed to be an ass-wipe, as long as he can pay bills. But women must always be controlled in their self-expression. Abeg, let me stop rambling hehehe…Bottom line is every woman is unique with a different experience of life and different aspirations and goals. There is no universal standard on womanhood. Be who you be, 100%.

    • A-b-b-y March 10, 2016 at 7:25 pm

      You make very valid points and I am all for being who you are 100%. I am focusing on the statement that women need to make men feel like men. Unfortunately life isn’t white and black in some cases. Even if you are a confident man and you marry a successful woman that is independent and all sorts. You as a woman have to make him feel like a man. It is not about inequality. It is more of understanding that a man will always be a man and they need to feel like men. Women help with that process. My little son is 6 years old. I am a single mum, I run the house and he brings nothing to the table financially. But when he does something, he wants to be acknowledged. He tells me mummy I did this and when I say omg you are awesome! Thanks for doing that, how did you do that? he feels it and he goes on to tell me how he went about doing what he did. Men are biologically inclined to feel good and work more when we show appreciation for what they do. Sounds needy? But we are humans and part of our existence comes from validation. Doesn’t mean you have to kiss a** but it is important to make him feel like a man. Whether you are an independent woman or not. Whether you make more money or not. They are wired that way. Like you mentioned, be who you want to be…keep it 100.

    • Abz March 11, 2016 at 6:50 pm

      Thank you so much for saying this. It’s the women that gets all the flack. Just be you! Simple. And, find someone that accepts you for who you are.

  • Gina March 10, 2016 at 2:54 pm

    Hey dear
    Do what you want and don’t feel a need to explain yourself. If you want to pay even for drinks, go ahead. There’s no such thing as “too much” independence; someone will see you and accept you as you are.
    And no, it’s not your right as a woman to be spent on-you’re not entitled to any ones money, not even your parents money. This is a major reason why there is so much disrespect and unfairness in gender relations. Imagine me being assertive to someone who buys your hair, clothes, shoes and even soap. It’s like being assertive to your dad and asking him “where are you coming from?” Especially if you know you need him to give you money tomorrow.
    And to the author, or any other woman out there, PLEASE don’t be independent/dependent because of a man, it demeans the whole process of feminism and gender equality in the first place.

    It’s not impossible to do this in Nigeria, I’m married, financially independent, we share cooking and chores AND I’m still submissive to him as a Christian woman. Submission isn’t subservience OR making someone your bank account.

    • Netizen March 10, 2016 at 3:49 pm

      Sorry o, but I am entitled to my parent’s money. Why did they born me??

    • iyke March 10, 2016 at 3:55 pm

      ??Smart thinking! #Respect!

  • A March 10, 2016 at 3:01 pm

    I used to be Miss independent, oh yes enjoyed every minute of it. Sometimes, i was spoilt by my man and he would pick the bill, it was never a problem paying the bill or doing stuff for myself. But now i am in a marriage with a guy who is self employed (means his income is not regular). I have had to pay the bills of practically everything for years and its frustrating. So now i hate INDEPENDENCE with everything i got. What wouldn’t i give to just be spoilt and not have to spend a dime of my money on family issues and be treated like the princess that I AM……

  • ElessarisElendil March 10, 2016 at 3:03 pm

    Deja vu, I could have sworn the conclusion from the last time this was brought up is that; some are fine with it, others aren’t,

  • ramat March 10, 2016 at 3:17 pm

    Q: When does being Miss Independent become too much?
    A; When being Mr. Independent becomes too much.

  • Majestic March 10, 2016 at 3:29 pm

    Well, there’s a thin line between being Independent and being Overbearing.

  • glow March 10, 2016 at 3:43 pm

    Well well, story of my life. Infact I get called “miss independent” a lot. I don’t do these things to prove a point, it’s just natural…but I do have to make conscious effort to not “overdo” so that I don’t bruise my man’s ego. My fiancee understands me well and knows I mean no harm. This is one of the reasons I decided to marry him, against all odds.

  • iyke March 10, 2016 at 4:31 pm

    If I INVITE you out on a coffee date,I will pay,not because am obligated to do that but because it’s the right thing to do on a first date.Nobody has time for€$50/100 lunch/dinner dates on a FIRST date.
    Second date, (lunch/dinner) if you offer to go dutch,I will appreciate but will politely turn it down especially if the bill isn’t much.And should we go bar crawling or decide to chill and drink,though I won’t ask ,but would expect you to pick some of the bills.That’s what getting to know you on the FIRST coffee date means.
    Balance and understanding is key especially if you are already in a relationship or marriage.

    • Mz_Danielz March 10, 2016 at 5:46 pm

      Iyke dear, seems the word ‘right’ came out somehow.

      I believe a man should pamper and spend on his woman, that’s just me oh.

      I pray never to be so tush that I now pay bills when I have a man oh. I seriously reject it Biko.

      • ogeAdiro March 10, 2016 at 6:36 pm

        You have a serious problem oh. This one has nothing to do with independent or dependent oh. How can a human being not want to pay their own bills when they can afford to? I’m sure that even Bill Gates wants a woman who can step up to the plate when push comes to shove.
        Tomorrow you’ll end up with one 419 guy that will use money to reel you in, then they’ll suck you bone- dry. Next thing you’ll come and be writing nonsense on Bellanaija.

      • Question March 11, 2016 at 4:32 am

        Quick question Mz_Danielz, are okay with helping your guy out financially if He really needs it? And how often do you intend to spend on a guy who is ready to spend regularly on you?

  • Tosin March 10, 2016 at 5:01 pm

    so somebody can not buy food again?
    can we kill gender, please?

  • Natu March 10, 2016 at 6:39 pm

    The shoes on my feet, I’ve bought it. The clothes I’m wearing, I’ve bought it. The rock I’m rocking, I bought it. Cause I depend on me, If I want it. the watch you’re wearing, I’ll buy it.
    The house I live in, I bought it. The car I’m driving, I’ve bought it. I depend on me!!!
    #independentladies #destinychild

  • ObiUto March 10, 2016 at 7:42 pm

    sometimes we overflog these things, i have a scenario:

    I carelessly mention to le boo i need a new laptop, i’m tired of my current one as it’s running slow. I can afford a new laptop myself and i actually want a macbook.
    le boo offers to by this laptop for me but he’s thinking a PC laptop i.e dell, HP, sony vaio etc
    do i:
    a – accept the laptop i don’t want to massage his ego
    b – tell him not to worry i’ll buy it myself
    c – collect his money and make it up with mine and buy the macbook i wanted.

    which one of these is “feminist” and which is “miss independent”?

    • MC March 10, 2016 at 9:45 pm

      …or you could just tell him that it’s a mac you want.
      Is there a reason why you can’t?
      You’re definitely making it more difficult than it should be.

    • Puzzles March 11, 2016 at 7:57 am

      If those are the only options, then C it is.

      Chances are, when he asks why you want the money instead of him buying it for you and you tell him option C, he’ll want to buy you the MacBook anyway, since he’s generous enough to want to replace your laptop. Even if he doesn’t buy you the MacBook, kudos to him.

      Most guys of nowadays will pretend they did not hear you or ask you to give them the money so that they can buy it for you (I’m talking about those guys that can afford it, not those that do not have)

      There’s nothing wrong with being able to provide for yourself. in fact, everyone should be able to provide for themselves. Nevertheless, one needs to apply wisdom when in a relationship. Don’t start what you cannot finish. If you are forming “Miss Independent” during courtship, chances are high that the man will expect you to continue during marriage, and you would eventually resent him for it, especially when you notice other women being pampered by their men.

      I know of a lady. Her husband has left the rent, feeding and all other things to her while he spends on his car and friends (and possibly a side chick who has no problem collecting his money)

      If a date wants to pay, no problem. Thank him graciously for the gesture: it is not your entitlement. But beware of those dates that expect you to pay in kind and don’t forget to take your cash or ATM with you so you can easily foot your bill(s) if the need arises.

      If your boyfriend wants to spend his money on you, don’t stop him but don’t take him for granted either. Spend on him too not to make it look like a competition but in a way that makes him feel appreciated.

  • Ch March 11, 2016 at 8:44 am

    There is definitely a point where being too independent rubs off on a man’s ego. Loud thinker, the only way you should have paid the bill without coming across as offensive is alrdy establishing that you’ll pick the bill, say stuff like “this is my treat” or “this one’s on me”. Every guy wants a lady who can help out every now and then, but there are times when he also wants to spoil you and treat you like a princess that you deserve, don’t ruin those chances with your over-zealousness

  • jhennique March 11, 2016 at 10:32 am

    You see ehn! Dont let love blind your eye that you cant see the future. Dont be forming independent for this men, chop their money as much as they are willing to give. Most times when you start being miss independent even when they marry you they want you to continue. some will rather even spend on a side chick – the nonsense!
    Please chop their money!! but i am not responsible for any consequences that come with following my advise,

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