The Journey to ‘I Am’ with Tolu Falode: When Enough is Enough

She breathed in as she walked with her feet: finally putting actions to words that had spoken from within. She was tired, drenched with determination-spent in defeat. She was exhausted from this battle that had cost her, her dreams.

She no longer understood who she was when she wept silently, she cried over the carnage her soul had sacrificed for his dreams.

She had lost herself in trusting him. She was not sure why she had agreed to follow such hurried masculine feet. She had trusted his navigational skills blindly as he led her confidently into his dreams. She wanted to be a part of his reality and so she agreed. She had felt a genuine conversation birthed in their physical attraction that had manifested into many long beautiful communications but somehow that well had run dry with inattention.

She was not sure what happened-what changed this equation? When did he become someone she no longer recognized, a figment of her imagination? She struggled with the monster that now housed the face she had fallen in love with when he called her name with such affection. She was sure he was the one she had prayed for, she was convinced this was the man she had waited for-this was the reason she could not fit with any other person’s nature-listening to their conversations, answers birthed in silent response to a curious question of confirmation-that was how she had fallen in love with his nature. That was when she had decided she would do anything to make sure there was favor-favor rooted in their relationships, friendships and even extended throughout their families. And she sacrificed every penny of her personality to make sure their connection was protected-to make sure it thrived in reality.

But at what cost had she done this? Distance from her family members, her friends, and even her own personality? She clung to him because he was all she knew anymore after sacrificing so much time to build their own sanctuary. But then as she looked around at the home she had created with time, emotions and effortless energy she realized, the paintings that dotted the walls, the furniture that sat comfortably on the floor, was all a cost of her own expenses; there was no trace of his sacrifice in any of these items he comfortably sat in. As she pampered and spoiled and paid attention to his needs, she had sacrificed her own attention to herself-her own voice had gone cold with complacency. Silent in listening to his needs, she had rejected her own nature, she had rejected her own needs. She was not ready to listen to anyone else’s opinion of who she used to be-she was comfortable being all he expected her to be willing to give. But then something changed, something shifted in his nature, and she realized her sacrifice was made for nothing more than vapour. The cloud of compassion wore off and she was faced with his true nature-she no longer felt the need to stick around and slave over these conversations that wound round and round about how he had not changed but she was becoming too needy-she was no longer the same. His words made her angry, she felt a fire that had been dimmed with loyalty rage from within. After all she had sacrificed-this was all he had to give?

She was not ready to respond anymore to these new lectures from him-the tone had changed-he was no longer her shining prince-instead he was now a monster she had to rid herself of from within.

And so she searched for that raw passion-that nature that is a part of a woman’s character blocks to give-and she channeled it into herself once more-into her own desires and dreams. Slowly as he changed, she was no longer afraid of a picture that did not house his name, she no longer shuddered at the thought of moving away from his space, she no longer cringed at spelling her name without his surname because she had gone numb with the pain. She knew she was ready to leave but she bided her time slowly, waiting for the right moment to retreat.

He would call it defeat, certainly she was expecting his reaction to be rich, with glorious words of how she had changed not him, of how everything could go back to the way it was before but she was no longer a princess that could be rocked to sleep with fairytale dreams. She was now a queen. She had grown up in the process of his emotional escapades into how all his indiscretions somehow came attached back to her name-she was fed up with the same lines to explain why things had changed. She now understood her position and the power in her name-she was ready for a king who understood what it means to stand beside sacred promises.

She had grown up and realized, things were just no longer the same. She may not have an explanation but that too was okay-she was birthed from within that union to produce many seeds-of determinations, of vision, of the drive to channel dreams into reality. Something within her was different when she decided to leave. She was not the same innocent gaze that had met his in an unexpected place, she was not the same young girl ready to do whatever it takes to have his name-she had changed. She had grown into her own woman in this space, and she cried over what she lost but that too was okay-she reacted differently to how he chose to behave.

And this time when he decided to test her with his words of retort to yet another conversation gone wrong, she silently observed her mood change, as she conveyed to him-she was done, she was moving on.

But this time, her feet echoed an okay, as they kept moving ahead leaving him behind while he called her name-his words had lost the power to make her stay.