It’s Not You, It’s Me….Hmm Actually It’s YOU!

I bet you are wondering what the title is all about.

Well, let me explain.
Over a week ago, I was reading an article in the UK Daily Mail and the story was about a 40-something year old woman who had been in a relationship for seven years. She described her relationship as stable and loving. She also explained that she and her partner were both financially successful.
When she turned 42, she began yearning for a child. She discussed it with her partner and he didn’t seem too keen.
In her words, ‘My partner insisted he did not want children. Because he was so adamant, I smothered the feelings that were beginning to eat away at me from the inside’
Long story short, he eventually left her.
Years later, in her late 40s, she was miraculously blessed with a child (with her new partner) and then she found out that her ex-partner now also had a child.
In her words, ‘When I heard my ex was going to be a father – yes, the one who swore he did not want children – I would have had to repress a strong urge to rush over and axe him to death had I not had Deia (her daughter) by then’

In other words, it was clear that her partner knew she was not the one and did not want a permanent attachment, in this case – a child. If he hadn’t left, she would have clung on to the seemingly ‘stable’ relationship and just withered away. He would have eventually moved on and as she said, the outcome would have been very different. Perhaps even a headline on the nightly news…

It got me thinking. I’m sure you all know the concept of ‘He’s Just Not That Into You’. However, I feel as though that focuses on people who have just met or have been in short term relationships.

How about those in long term relationships. I hear of scenarios all the time that makes me just wonder. Sometimes maybe your partner is telling you something. It might be hard to hear but these clear signs point to the fact that YOU are just not the one.

All real stories.

Scenario 1
Ebi has been dating Steve for over a year. The relationship is going ‘well’. He takes her out for dinner, they hang out with some of his friends and then he adamantly refuses for them to take any photos together. Facebook is an absolute no no. He wants to be ‘private’. Fair enough but they break up for a few weeks and he is back with his ex-girlfriend and then their photo – all snuggled up is his profile photo on facebook!
What does that say?

Scenario 2
Yemi and Tola have been dating for some years. They met in secondary and dated all through university. Their families know each other and all that. Yemi has gotten pregnant 3 times in the course of their relationship. The first time, it was a mutual decision to terminate the pregnancy. Yemi was traumatized by the experience and promised not to go through that again. She got pregnant again and Tola insisted that she terminate. The third time, they had both graduated and were working so Yemi could not think of any reasons why the couldn’t keep the baby but again Tola insisted. She went under the knife once again. They are still together and yes Tola is a ‘good’ and ‘caring’ boyfriend…
Isn’t Tola trying to tell Yemi something?

Scenario 3
Hauwa and Musa have been dating for 2 years. After a year, he proposed, she accepted but had to move to Dubai because of her job. Since she moved, she has ‘blackouts’. Sometimes for short periods of time (in some cases a couple of days, others as long as 2 weeks), she ignores his calls, doesn’t reply emails etc.. and then she resurfaces. Claiming she was ill or swamped with work. When she’s back, she is the perfect girlfriend. She emails, calls to ask about his day, sends his little gifts etc…but she is evasive about setting a date for the wedding.
Hmmmm

Scenario 4
I have heard this story so many times! Only to be shared once again by someone over the weekend. Kathrine and Nosa have been dating for 8 years. You know those long term couples that everyone knows – they were basically – KathNosa. Nosa always hinted at marriage but never put a ring on it. Instead, he kept ‘advising’ Kathrine on things she should change before he proposed. Guess what, 5 months after they took ‘a break’, Nosa married someone else. Nope he hadn’t been having something with his bride during his relationship. He met her during the break and all fell into place.

There is no clear cut formula for love, relationships and marriage. However, perhaps due to pressure and other factors, it seems as though many cling on to unhealthy relationships. Unhealthy relationships are sometimes glaring (i.e. physical and verbal abuse) but what about when its not so obvious? Many might say, ‘just leave!’ but we all know how hard it is to let go of someone you love. I guess it takes wisdom.
I read a recent interview by Michelle Obama in Glamour Magazine where she said ‘…When you’re dating a man you should always feel good. You should never doubt yourself. You shouldn’t be in a relationship with somebody who doesn’t make you completely happy’ ‘…And if you’re in that relationship and you’re dating, then my advice is, don’t get married. Get out of it. And find that person who brings you complete and utter joy with who you are at the moment.’

Will love to hear feedback on this.

By the way, we have an interview with Ekene Agabu which will be published soon. Thanks to Enkay for that!
Photo Credit: Praise DC