Thank God I am not a ‘Witch’!

Like many of us, I have been in a few not-so-good relationships. If there have been only a few, I’m sure you will wonder how I know this much about “evil” men and sour relationships. I guess my knowledge isn’t solely hinged on the number of relationships that I have enjoyed / endured, nor can it be completely attributed to the lifespan of each of these relationships, but the lessons from every one of them.

I must admit that I have learnt much more about men and relationships through the experiences of my many friends. Yes, I have zillions of them – okay I lie, just lots of them. I have watched many of my girlfriends fall in and out of love. I have seen some of them heart-broken even though they gave all they knew how to give while each of these relationships lasted. My own past relationships and those of my friends make me wonder about the true nature of men – what do men really want? Now, each time I witness a friend at the altar with her man, I say to myself – “This is a miracle”!

Just recently, two of my friends experienced heartbreaks, all thanks to guys who supposedly loved them. One of them had been in a topsy-turvy relationship with this guy for many years. She thought that he was finally coming back to his senses when he told her just about a month ago that he was ready to “settle down”. He promised to visit her parents soon to make his intention known. My dear friend was super excited about this even when we chatted on yahoo messenger. Although I didn’t hear her speak, I felt her excitement in every word she typed to me that day. She had sacrificed sooo much for him and she believed that it was her pay-back time. I thought she deserved it too.

Last week, Romeo got married to someone else – for once he was being truthful about wanting to “settle down”, he just didn’t elaborate on who he wanted to settle down with. He wasn’t forthright enough to inform my unsuspecting friend that he was getting married to somebody else. I felt her pain; I still do. I know what it feels like to be screwed over – been there, bought the t-shirt!

I spoke to her earlier today – she’s obviously still hurting though she’s being very brave and hopeful just like she’s always been. By the time I was done talking to her, I felt a righteous rage and I started to imagine what life will be like if I was a Witch… yes, you have read me well – I mean a Full Blown Witch!

Assuming this role, I started to visualise how to witch-hunt all the guys who have ever dealt with me emotionally. Without them having to request it, I will render pro-bono services also to all my girlfriends who have been hurt. I’ll hound each guy who has ever hurt us intentionally and who isn’t sorry about it.

For instance, I’ll wake him up in the wee hours of the morning, eager to show him that I have plucked three of his front teeth never to give them back; I will follow him to his place of work and ensure he farts uncontrollably at important meetings; I’ll seize his THING and will give it back weeks after I have ensured that he is massively frustrated; if he is the materialistic type, I’ll ensure that each time he visits a place where he is keen on creating a positive impression of himself, I’ll ensure his clothes rip to shreds and off his body till he is butt naked and I’ll set his car on fire; I’ll make him grow boobs and a big butt – bigger than Ms. Ikebe Super’s; I’ll get him to drool uncontrollably in public; I’ll endow him with a nauseating body odour and will ensure that he sweats profusely even when its freezing cold; I’ll soften his voice so he’ll sound like a little girl while he is speaking; yes, I’ll do all these things and much more… just to get them all back for the evil they have done to us. I’ll deal with each one of them, one after the other, in the hope that they will learn a lesson or two. Maybe then they’ll be more considerate, love honestly and responsibly, tell the truth at all times… be real men and not jerks!

Fortunately for him and the rest of these guys, I cannot do all these “evil” things because I’m not a Witch and can never be. I’m already sold to JESUS! Plus, they aren’t worth the trouble. The truth is that there is no amount of evil I can do that can pay them back for all the hurt and pain they have caused. Single woman, a man who is truly yours will never leave you even when he is being chased away with a forklift. Something tells me that soon, I’ll be witnessing your “miracle” just like you’ll witness mine.

P.S. This is dedicated to my friend, I hope it makes you smile. You know who you are… love you lots.

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