Sent From My BlackBerry: Just Say Amen!

Someone woke me up with a Happy New Month broadcast. This was just after I was drifting off to happy slumber @ 2am from news of the latest addition to my family (Yes, I’m an uncle again! Yay me). While I’ve made my peace with said broadcasts (seeing as a prayer really shouldn’t be seen as annoying), it made me reconsider what I had prepared for this month’s Sent From My BlackBerry

*clears throat*

All the prayer points may not apply to everyone, which ever is your ‘portion’ there, just ‘claim it’ in the name of whoever you serve (or don’t serve). Just say Amen.

Here goes:

 

1. May your enemies suddenly develop a penchant for playing with live wire

• I am here to tell you this morning, that not only will you wear the Jeans, but you will also drive the car.

• May your vehicle not carry you to accident-porn areas
• Ah noo nooo, may your (last-kobo) BlackBerry Torch/Bold Touch/StruggleBerry/Scroll-wheel-BB not become a bottle of Aba-perfume overnight.
• May you and yours, never have need to call Daddy Bliss
• When all the Hot Girls in Lagos are going to a particular church, you will carry last. In fact, your legs won’t carry you there
• *ominous pause* Please close your eyes and read this carefully… There is somebody here, the enemies have been doing you ‘yinmu-yinmu’ behind your back, The almighty has told me to tell you that, Ndi ocha will come and celebrate with you when you’re warming your house by the water in Lekki.
• Your enemies will not use your destiny to fly kite
• The enemies will not Mach on your flauwar this month
• *ominous pause* It has come to my notice that some people have refused to close their eyes to read while this prayer is going on. I want to tell you this morning, God knows your IP address. It is my prayer for these ones, that your children will not end up in Olodo Community Grammar school
• May they not have Superman flying all over their Batman bags.
• May your children not have reason to end up in such a hostel 
• Your children will not learn Fockanaizer/Vulganizer/Voganizer trade in your life time (and after it)
• May you not put Steak in the oven and have it come out like this

 

 

Amen! Oya say Amen again! Ameeen!!!

 

Now that we’re done with the prayers, use this to bath — twice everyday for the rest of this month.

MUSIC FOR THE MONTH: Jay-Z & Kanye West Feat Chris Brown & Ludacris – Watch The Bed