Mnena: How To Execute the Tips in the IK-Guide-to-Snagging-A-Man

Last week, IK Osakioduwa of Rhythm 93.7FM tweeted ten tips on how to get a man for single ladies out there. IK reiterated that not all guys would agree with his tips but most guys would. That’s a whole lot of guys. I am 30 and still single and so I have decided to live my life following Iks rules. He knows what he’s talking about as he is happily married to a lovely wife and has two children. I will take the following steps:

1.  Learn to do Solo Trips: I will now go clubbing on my own after avoiding my friends calls. On entering the club I will slowly walk around to show how unencumbered I am by girl pals. I will also make sure I stand at least five feet away from the nearest girl so that she can’t be mistaken for my friend.
2. Make friends with married women: I will start going to Wives of (insert military organisation) meetings. When asked what I am doing there I will say I am only following the IK system and wish to learn their secrets of getting a man. My mentioning IK’s name will open their hearts and they will take me under their wings.
3. Be careful not to be TOO INDEPENDENT.Learn to gain from your man’s presence in your life. Guys need to be needed: Be careful ladies, there is a fine line between not being too independent and gold digger. I will learn to straddle that line. Buying your own light bulbs good, buying your own shawarma when out bad. Make him feel needed, allow him carry that shawarma bag.
4. Drop guys that take up all your time without really chasing you, No Intimacy without Commitment:  I will start grilling guys as to their intentions before we start anything. No more time wasters. My blessings will not be blocked.
5. Make an effort. Try to look nice, Work out, Get that Don King hair done, and stop forming “Oh Naturale”(sic): Looking nice seems to mean not having natural hair out. No need to cut it, just hide it under a weave. For someone that hates exercise I plan on working out until I get that guy. You should too. Ignore the fact that it’s healthy for you also, that’s not what we are here for. When married, let those kinky curls and belly loose.
6. Don’t give it all up. Leave some for marriage. Perfect the art of giving previews:  Instead of giving head, I will now just lick the head. Oh that’s not what he meant? Sorry my bad. Just allow him touch breast through the cloth but not touch the actual boob. Still not correct? Just allow him put the tip in but no further? No? I give up!
7. Learn to cook, Do yourself a favour and learn how to cook: Well the importance of cooking was brought home to me after the Naija twitter debate over pounded yam. When I get a man I will continuously provide meals unless the spell will be broken and he will stray. I will learn how to make all his favourite dishes and pray he doesn’t develop taste for a brand new dish. All may be lost then.
8. Have standards or you will find yourself in and out of relationships too often and that will earn you a bad name: It is always good to have standards. Although if I was hopping in and out of relationships, committed ones, I’d have to conclude that the problem was with me and having a bad name would be the least of my problems. But far be it from me to question the system. Hoppers raise those standards, but not too high unless you’ll be accused of having too high standards and men don’t like that. That’s a free tip from me
9. Never be rude to a man or abusive to him in front of his friends even in jest: In the first place you shouldn’t be rude or abusive to a man or anyone. But if you are susceptible to this behaviour wait until his friends leave. It should be okay then. Marriage is still guaranteed. I like that the IK system encompasses all types of personality.
10. Don’t pressure him to marry you with questions like “Where’s this leading?” instead leave him if he’s taking too long: Now this last tip assumes I have followed tips 1-9 and I have a man now. Yayy!! We’ve been dating for a bit so much so I am thinking marriage. All I have to do now is shut up and keep quiet and it will flow. And if it doesn’t flow I leave him because he is standing in the way of being married which references back to tip 4. I love this system.

So with the system under my belt please check this space in a year’s time when I’ll either be married or killed because I went out without friends. Either way, I must get a man as this is what defines me and surely completes me!

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Mnena is a pretend writer with a smart mouth. She lives in Abuja, runs her own clothing business and works hard at keeping up with the cool kids… or at least she thinks she does. You can check out some of her work on Y!Naija Magazine and follow her on Twitter @mnena