Afam: How To Take Care of Your Woman 101

A month ago I told your women how they should take care of you, because let’s face it, you’re terrible at looking after yourselves. {Click here if you missed it} Dishes are acidic, and laundry is the devil.  Does this sound absurd? It really isn’t. You must forget that you aren’t just a man, you’re a dog god alien man, powerful in theory, name and pocket. This week I’ll give you a few lessons about the acceptable husbandry of your women.

Before we begin we must note one fundamental difference between women and men. While there is only one kind of man, that is, the dog god alien man, there are very very very many types of women. You must think of her as legion for  she’s largely governed by the unfortunate curse of menses that turns every cough and laugh into a violent explosion of blood clots and womb lining. I’m not joking. I too once thought that auntie Flo was just some chilled aunt that came to town once a month if she was lucky. I didn’t know it was like, auntie floflo came to town riding on a blood truck, she gushed her innards in her pant and left her on her death bed. Auntie floflo kept her up, auntie floflo…

Do not doubt me when I say that the woman being is not a normal human being.

Lesson 1:
Your woman is your property. Some of you might actually have paid for your woman, but don’t worry about it if you didn’t. You see, the moment your woman agreed to creep with you on the low, be your one of many, be your one and only, or to ditch her terrible surname for yours, she signed away all rights to herself. Now that she is yours, she’s your barbie girl, in a not so barbie world. You can brush her hair and take her anywhere. It’s fantastic. You must be her stylist, her secretary, her receptionist, her dietician, her weight checker, her spiritual guide, and her bank. However you must remember that she is permanently indebted to you for saving her from the seemingly eternal damnation that is the single life. It is perfectly acceptable to demand that the debt be settled.But remember that your woman is a revolutionary in the making. You must put her down and keep her in her place or else she will usurp you, and defeat you. It’s a battle of the sexes. You’re penis bound to help the side.

Lesson 2:
Your barbie girl of a honey, is a China doll. As it is a china doll, there are many ways to treat it. The moment you buy it, you can leave it on the shelf to gather dust and cobwebs, or you can smash it from time to time, and glue the fractured pieces together. Whatever you decide to do is fine. If you damage it too much, just remember that there are hundreds of other china dolls in the shop looking for new homes. Your woman is your prerogative.

On a side note, it isn’t uncommon for things that smash to splinter. If she splinters you’ll end up in your pastors office discussing marital issues you didn’t know you had while the entire congregation runs live commentary as your beloved woman wears her best, “the evil bastard doth wound me with every breath he draws” look.

Lesson 3:
Your China barbie, is an emotional wreck. You must take control of her like the Holy Spirit takes control of all situations to give her some semblance of emotional stability. If she does not agree to be stable, then you may lock her up in a spare room for a number of years, leave her outside on the doorstep like you’d do something that you plan to donate to charity, or commit her to a mental hospital for an emergency lobotomy. Remember, your woman is your property, all things are permissible, and defensible, even if they may not be advisable.

Of course the game changes if you’re wealthy. As it was said in every rag to riches Nollywood movie ever made, “no condition is permanent, the cray fish of yesterday is the shark of tomorrow.” Beware of uncalled for visits divorce lawyers or her Babalawos. (Traditional medicine man)

Lesson 4:
You must study your woman to discover her breaking point. This is the point, when the glue that holds her delicate china pieces comes undone. When this happens, you have a problem on your hands. After she has done whatever it is she decides to do while in the throes of her passionate imagined dissatisfaction  she’ll go to her other lady friends, who are all Jezebels and say, “he had it coming. He had it coming. He only had himself to blame. If you had been there, if you had seen it, I bet that you would have done the same.” Of course she’ll only do this after you come home from work to discover that she has flavoured your rice and stew with a healthy amount of rat poison. So you must push her, but not too much.

Lesson 5:
You must train your woman. You must be the Henry Higgins to her Eliza Dolittle. You must teach her to walk the walk and talk the talk. She is your ambassador. You cannot allow her to go and embarrass you in public, so you must make her study your ideologies and your philosophies like she studied for Jamb/A Levels. If you think she’ll become a Louis Vuitton tote toteing, Chihuahua loving, foreign accent having, China barbie doll of a woman overnight, think again. But remember that every woman is different in this regard. Not everyone can be a genius. If your woman is a dullard then you may install your mother in her life to drum in all the lessons that she has refused to learn. Your mother is like a free lesson teacher. You must work her like a slave to ensure that when your woman goes out with you in public she passes with flying colours.

Lesson 6:
You must ignore your woman because she is an emotional terrorist. And you all know how you deal with terrorists don’t you? You never negotiate with them. America, doesn’t negotiate with them so why should you? Do you want your relationship to end up like a caricature of Nigeria where your China Barbie doll of a woman receives a healthy stipend for causing you grief.

Lesson 7:
Your woman is a bucket of insecurity. I know everyone says that you should be open but that’s the wrong way to go about things. If a damn fine lady is hitting on you at work, why on earth would you inform your woman about it? She’ll run an inquisition on the spot, and you’ll have to answer for every time you worked late or snuck out for a cigarette. Even if you provide satisfactory answers to all the questions she puts forward, you’ll have sown a ninja seed in her. The next time she sees that damn fine coworker she’ll put all the wine throwing and social harassment skills she’s learned from the Real House Wives of Atlanta to good use. You won’t even see it coming. All you’ll hear is “B**** you’re going down!”

Lesson 8:
Your woman loves being at home. If she decides that she must work, it is only because you aren’t working hard enough or she’s pleasantly deluded. If she’s deluded there’s no reason why you should end her delusions. Allow her to maintain her fantasies about helping the world become a better place and making a valuable contribution to society because you know that deep down inside she really wants to socialise with her friends, and sit at home idly. The most engaging activity that a woman can partake in without seriously harming body, mind and/or spirit is the trading of biscuits, Biros and other such paraphernalia.

The worst thing you could do to a woman would be to allow her be the breadwinner. If she’s the breadwinner then she’ll start stealing your trousers from your wardrobe. Once that happens, you’ll lose the ability to make any decisions without her approval. This is fatal to your unearthly status as a dog god alien man.

It is very very hard indeed to be a dog god alien man in 2014, for the woman being is a cunning beast that must be caged at all times. To allow her the slightest freedom is to unleash her. Society has succeeded at suppressing her for as long as there’s been society. We god dog alien men have managed to extend our influence to her core. She cannot go a day without thinking about us, and our opinions, or what reactions her actions may inspire. Now that she’s empowering herself, and has seen and partially accepted that we are not the be all and end all of her existence, we must band together and spread our manifesto to halt the changing tide. Have you ever thought of what the world become if women ceased to be China Barbie dolls, and became god dog alien women? We should be afraid.

The End
Now I suppose it would be wrong of me if I didn’t say that none of these lessons are actually lessons. They’re snippets of things I’ve heard about women from both women and men, that I’ve presented the way my sat in my head. The truth is there is no truth to any of this. Most of the stereotypes I’ve presented here really aren’t sex specific, even though we’ve made them out to be. People are marvelous because no two are the same. Any more on the subject would be flogging a dead horse, and I don’t flog dead things. I’m Afam. I bury them.

Photo Credit: models.com

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Afambewbew runs the blog, The Ramblings of a Madman. He’s a ninja cat juggler of jobs and responsibilities. When he’s good he’s very good. While he acknowledges that there’s a long way to go, you’ll never hear him dump on his work in public. Like his Facebook page, The Ramblings of a Madman and follow him on twitter @Afam20