Busola Adedire: The Soul Mate Theory

I read an update from Humans of New York and my heart sank a little. The man Brandon had interviewed said, “I think if we were all being honest with ourselves, very few of us ever meet The One. The vast majority of people just marry because they’re ready. I never really felt like I met The One. I don’t think my wife is The One. I mean, she’s a nice lady. But I don’t think she’s The One for me. And I don’t think she’d mind me saying that, because if she was being honest, I don’t think she’d say I am The One for her either.”

Although, he was being brutally honest, I can’t really tell if I was sad because I felt sorry he had settled, or the fact that he had referred to his wife as an ordinary ‘nice lady’ or rather because I still believe in fairy tales. I do have to admit that I have probably watched too many Disney movies for my own good, but a part of me believes God had designed someone special for everyone. My parents have been married for 26 years, and I absolutely believe they were destined for one another. My Dad said the first day he met my mother, he knew that was his wife without uttering a single word to her. When he finally spoke to her, the first thing he said was that he wanted to marry her, and till date my mum believes that move was shocking 😀 . Their journey is an inspiring one which gives me a lot hope despite the high divorce rates surrounding me.

I thought deeply about ‘the soul mate theory’ and why a number of people cannot find their soul mates. I also read a number of articles giving conflicting views about this phenomenon. Some believe that whoever you choose to be ‘the one’ is who you make your soul mate, others believe there are thousands of match out there for everyone with whom you can live reasonably happily with, I believe there is a level of satisfaction and accomplishment you can only attain with a particular person (PS : Not someone else’s husband or wife oh!)

I know enough to understand that no relationship is handed to anyone on a platter of gold, and no relationship is perfect. However, I struggle to understand the term ‘irreconcilable differences’ (which is a very common phrase that somehow convinces me that everyone who had mentioned it is clearly not irrational), or why we have to date series of people before we finally make up our minds.

Too many people have stated that ‘when you know, you know’, clearly life is not random and there are no coincidences. Another set of people will argue that you can only discover something lasting from friendship which can make you guilty about those you’ve locked up in the friend zone. But why should we choose to settle in the first place with someone whom we know is not our perfect fit?

There are a number of reasons as to why people settle into a relationship that they know is less than ideal for them. This happens for financial reasons, starting a family, family pressure, social status, or, more often than not, we simply don’t want to have to go through the hassle of breaking up, having to feel sad, going through a healing process, and then people start dating all kinds of “interesting” creatures all over again before they finally find one decent person. But ‘decent’ does not necessarily equal ‘right’. We reason, “If I’ve come this far, why would I want to go through all of that again and start at square one?” Most people have a very real, subconscious fear of being ALONE, and the word itself is dreaded. Simply put, no one wants to be alone.

At other times, some of us just fall in love too quickly and think “this is it!” Is it really? We often lose our logic when it comes to love. But, I strongly believe in reading the handwriting towards, and after an event, I believe in asking in prayer when somebody wants you, I believe in paying attention to what people around me say about a love interest. Eventually, everything makes sense! I believe that everyone possesses that inner wisdom that guides them about every individual they meet in life, but too many people are not still enough to hear what the spirit is saying.

I read a comment on the Humans of NewYork post which had my attention: I AM A DIVORCE ATTORNEY! I’ve been doing this work for over ten years! I BELIEVE in LOVE! With all of my heart! But I know that this guy is 100% correct. I “interview” all of my clients. Have long talk with them. Prior, during, and months AFTER the divorce. Mostly men. About how it started, what happened, when the “love” really ended (it’s normally YEARS before the divorce is actually filed), the feelings, thoughts, etc. Women (especially) create things in their head and want to see things the way they want to! Often one of the parties is “out” of it emotionally, spiritually, etc., but is “afraid” to leave or say something. It may be because of fear to lose access to their children (a lot of women use children to keep men), or fear of financial ruin, etc. Women get married because their clock is ticking, or they want children, or someone to take care of them, or they want a princess wedding …sometimes because they think it’s love…And men, if the sex is super good they lose their head. Or hey want to get married because they feel they are in “love.” Or it’s time to finally settle down because they’ve played long enough.

Most people don’t even know WHAT Love is! Everybody thinks they are in love! But it’s passion–or heat! Many men whom I speak to have been “done” years and years ago, but continue to stay…and their women are unsuspecting. Some women know, but just ignore the signs. Or people are just comfortable! They stay because it’s easier to stay. No love. Is there true love? YES! Are there people who are truly married to their compatible “love” partners and MUTUALLY feel the same? Not many. That’s literally a true RARITY!

“Love is a temporary madness, it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion, it is not the desire to mate every second minute of the day, it is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every cranny of your body. No, don’t blush, I am telling you some truths. That is just being “in love”, which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.” (L. de Bernieres)

Do you believe in the soul-mate theory or do you believe you can make a relationship/marriage last with just anyone?

Photo Credit: Dreamstime | Michael Zhang