Toyosi Phillips: I Am A Forgiver

I was stupidly forgiving. I called it my strength. It pleased me to forgive people, to let everything go and give no further thought to what had been said or done. I took insults and abuse in good stride. I forgave even before I was asked. I welcomed anyone back, scratch that, I invited everyone back and called it my strength.

“I’m a forgiving person.” That was the lie I told myself but the truth is it wasn’t genuine. It wasn’t any rubbish strength bestowed on me. I forgave out of guilt and fear.

Guilt because my many sins paid regular visits; the wrong I’d done others. So who was I to hold a grudge or dwell on any insult? Who was I to stay angry and ask for space to process stuff? No. I had to let everything go and forgive immediately. Guilt…and fear.

I forgave because I feared being alone, because I needed the attention and validation that family and friends offered, because I feared that secrets I had shared excitedly and in trust would slip through angry and malicious lips if I stayed angry. So I forgave.

I was not a forgiving person. I was a scared person cloaked in guilt till the truth hit me and you know what they say about the truth.

I had an honest conversation with myself, mo ba ori mi s’oro and just like that… light pierced the darkness. The cloak was lifted and discarded. I learned to let people walk away but more importantly I learned to walk away. I learned to give myself time to process things and forgive with wisdom. I learned to validate, respect and be honest with myself. Most importantly I learned to stop magnifying things I had done. Nothing was belittled but nothing was magnified either. I started living in the present and working hard towards the bright future I was told about in Corona. (Shout out to Mrs Tokolo and Mrs Sasegbon 🙂 )

Now I’m a true forgiver but I no longer pine after those who have finished playing their divinely-charged role in my life. I’ve learned, and am still learning that life is one big revolving door. Wisdom has taken over emotions.

SO… if you can relate, especially if you’re still in the “cloak phase”, get rid of the guilt and fear and truly live. Live in peace. Live free. Let go of every weight not just because holding on won’t do you any good but also because like someone I know would say, “it doesn’t worth it”.

Photo Credit: Dreamstime | Danie Nel