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Isio Knows Better: Nigerians… Going Dutch

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Over the years, I have come to realize that different cultures have different attitudes towards splitting the bill in relationships. Living abroad, and interacting with many Caucasians, I realized that going to the restaurant/bar with your friends/man meant that you might have to pay for your share of whatever you consumed. It was nothing wrong to me, nor was there anything strange about it. It was just what it was. Although there are a few Western men who insist on always picking up the tab, if you ever find yourself on a date with one you are just getting to know – you might want to hold ya own money o.

In fact, even if you are going out in obodo-oyinbo with oyinbos biko hold ya money and chop according to ya pocket o – or else na On Ya Own you dey. You go just wash plate tayah, ya skeleton go just peel.

I cannot help but compare this to our attitude towards splitting the bill in Naija, especially with a Nigerian man – considering our men’s cultural role {as a provider} and how this in turn affects our social behaviour. You go out on a date with a guy and he pays for both of you. You go out to a bar/club and he buys the bottles and you just drink. You go to the movies and he pays. You want pop-corn and hot-dog and he pays again. You go shopping and he pays – yet again. Indeed, many of our women experience these as normal and appropriate and enjoy these without so much as giving a “thank you” back to their host. In turn, most men are accustomed to providing these “comforts” and would even be insulted should their date offer to pay for her share.

Interesting.

However you might choose to roll the dice, Nigerian men (generally) can be considered generous – in comparison to their foreign counterparts. Please don’t calculate your le boo among this equation if you are dating the kind that KEEPS inviting you to the movies only to buy popcorn and coke for himself only, while you are looking there like Lucozade Boost. Your case is special.

Once the story was shared of the Nigerian girl who always footed her own bills and didn’t demand anything material from her Mr. Man. He said he liked that she was “independent”, and loved her more because of it. Even on the nights they ate out, he would ask that they split the bill, and she didn’t mind. Everything she wanted for herself, she got for herself- and then some – for him. All was fine and dandy in this fairy-tale until they got married and the Nigerian girl (herewith called Ms. Independent) realized that Mr. Man expected her to continue doing these and more as his wife.

In time she realized the horror… it wasn’t so much that Mr. Man was “proud of her independence” as it was that he was just one of those people who didn’t like sharing his wealth. He was a human aradite a.k.a super-glue AKA alaun-kobo-kobo. She had never asked, he never gave, so she didn’t realize what would turn out to be a big problem. That was fine when she was a bachelorette. Now, five years and two kids later, she had to ask- not just as a wife, but as a mother. She needed him to contribute to the upkeep of the home and the responsibilities they had both created. He almost never gave – still.

It didn’t matter that he was financially buoyant. She had better luck counting the drops of water in the ocean.

*singing with side-eyes* things fall apart…things fall apartttttt… t-things fall APAAARRRRTTTTTT…

Yep, things fell apart. So sad. I can’t help but wonder… where did she go wrong? Where did he go wrong? Would he have been happier if she had nagged him and insisted he met her needs while they were dating? Would she have been happier? Did she enable his closed-fistedness by agreeing to split the bill and forming what some people call “Ms. Independent?”

And by the way, what is it with people who fling the “Ms. Independent” title sneeringly and derogatorily at hard-working females like it’s a bad thing for grown women to exercise their rights to feed, clothe and house themselves? Last I checked, that was what being an adult was about. How did it suddenly become something to be ashamed of?

*scratches chin* Very Interesting.

Anyway, this splitting a bill thing eh… I once had an issue one of my closest male friends when I was in Europe. He was European. The day before, we had had a most profound discussion on the cultural differences in handling restaurant bill-splitting between his people and our people. I told him that if he ever went out with a Nigerian girl, he should let her know before-hand if she should bring with her some money.

Infact I was very clear.

No.1. DON’T INVITE HER OUT IF YOU WANT HER TO PAY FOR IT.

No 2. IF YOU WANT HER TO TAKE YOU OUT, LET HER TAKE YOU TO WHERE SHE CAN AFFORD.

No. 3. DON’T INVITE A GIRL OUT TO AN EXPENSIVE RESTAURANT OF YOUR CHOICE WITHOUT TELLING HER THAT YOU WOULD HOPE SHE WOULD SPLIT THE BILL WITH YOU.

Wait, wait, wait… it may sound harsh, and I know it’s not the most romantic thing for a man to say to a woman, but is it not better for him to say it out- than for them to chop finish and then when it’s time to pay they would now be looking at each other like mumu and stammering but-I-thought…but-I-thought? And then they would both go home irritated. Abeg o.

Only for my darling friend to conveniently forget everything I had told him the day before. A childhood friend of mine had flown into town for the weekend, and my amigo suggested we stop for pizza at a local pizzeria.

No problem.

Walahi, before we chop the chop finish eh, just before I swallowed the last kpom-kpom in my mouth, my friend brought out her card to pay, and instead of my gallant, previously educated amigo to negate such sacrilege, he just sat there chewing. And no. It didn’t make it better that he gave her a hand-squeeze and said thank you. It made it worse. Mainly because he and I both knew that he had a few thousand EUROS in cash on him. The pizza cost 12 EURO. I was flabbergasted and horrified. He didn’t understand why I was so upset. ”She offered to pay,” he said.

In truth, it had less to do with gender than it being that one who had so much would happily let another who had so little take responsibility for something that was a benefit to them both. I did not like it at all, but it was what it was.

What do you think about splitting the bill? As a man, would you allow your date pick up the tab or split the bill with you? As a woman, what would you think about a man who asked you pay your share of a restaurant bill while he paid his? Or the guy who played the –oh-my-gosh-I-completely-left-my-wallet-at-home card when served the bill?

Merry Christmas with much love to you all!

Isio De-laVega Wanogho is a Nigerian supermodel, a multi-award winning media personality and an interior architect who is a creative-expressionist at her core. She uses words, wit and her paintings to tell stories that entertain, yet convey a deeper meaning. Follow her on Instagram @isiodelavega and visit her website: http://www.idds.pro to see her professional body of work.

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