Chiugo Akaolisa: Emotional Blackmail

Since the beginning of time, men and women have accomplished some pretty impressive feats in the name of love. Wars have been started, people killed, thrones abdicated, lives sacrificed, possessions forfeited and the list goes on. In fact, this generation is still learning in terms of Love acts. We read those epic love stories and wonder why our partners cannot be more romantic. Something as ridiculous as: “Why can’t he dance in the rain for me, wearing just a thong?”

Well, this generation did not come in last, because now we find fourteen-year olds losing their virginity in the name of love and men going as far as stealing or borrowing to satisfy the insatiable needs of their love interests.

“If you love me, you will buy me whatever I ask of you”. “If you deny me sex then you must not care about me”. “If you cannot change to fit my life preferences then what are we doing?” “If you love me, you would understand that my friends come first”. It goes on.

It is ok to simply ask without attaching a justification of feelings to it.

I am not being self-righteous; at some point in my life, I have expected my partner to do a few things in the name of love. Sometimes, I didn’t even have to voice the requests; I just expected them to happen. As I have gotten older and hopefully wiser, I realized how unfair some of the demands were; especially the unvoiced ones. No one has the special ability to read minds. Well, no one that I know of.

The most common question used to justify affection is: “If he loves me, then he should put a ring on it.” What if he cannot afford the ring just yet? Should he then cease to love you? He may still be saving up to buy that size you have subtly threatened him to.

And the close second is: “If she loves me, she should not refuse sex with me.” What if she has made a chastity vow, her religion frowns upon it or she is just not mentally ready? Does it then mean that she is not entitled to your love?

Where do we draw the line?

There is such a thing as emotional blackmail. And just like any kind of blackmail, there is never an end to it. According to psychologists, the three major determinants for Emotional blackmail are Fear, Obligation and Guilt.

Any affection that makes you feel compelled to do something and guilty if you don’t is not healthy. The fear of being alone if you don’t comply to love requests should never be a reason to hang on to any relationship. You would be better off without the constant fear.

Carrying out great feats for love is absolutely commendable as long as it is your own volition. In fact, sitting docile and making no effort and then claiming you love someone gets you to a level of insanity all by itself. Actions do speak louder than words. But when the Love requests start to pose a threat to your finances, beliefs and emotions then you need to have a rethink on the kind of Love you have. You HAVE the right to chose what you can do in the name of love.

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear- St. John.

Photo Credit: Dreamstime | Michael Zhang