Afam: Valentine’s Day Etiquette

I was hoping that the elections would hold on February 14th, I really was. Nothing kills the spirit/demon of love like Nigerian Politics. I kid you not. The animosity between PDP supporters and APC supporters is so great that our affiliations are questioned at every turn.

You may doubt me, but believe me when I tell you that it happened to me. I walked into my barbing salon in Lekki for my weekly/biweekly meeting with Simeon, the master of receding hairlines and foppish hairstyles. I didn’t understand the relationship that men have with their barbers until I met the man. He gave me a low key fade with a side parting and I was in love. Most barbers look at my receding hairline and proceed to give me a new hairline in the centre of my head. It’s edges at all costs in these parts. Before he cut my hair that day, he asked, “are you PDP or APC?” I said APC even though I’m probably going to be a protest voter. Here’s why: even though Goodluck is the funniest president we’ve ever had, this exchange rate is slapping me senseless! (I mean the guy gave us Auntie Patience! That’s got to count for something. Diaris God! Can I get a holler?) Anyway, so back to my barber. He gave me this look that made me change my tune on the spot. You cannot allow your barber to be annoyed with you. I relish not looking like the second coming of Papa Ajasco.

As INEC has seen it fit to return Valentine’s day to us, and as all of us go about scrambling making plans we didn’t think we’d have to make, I’ve decided to come out of retirement to instruct you burriful men and women on Valentine’s day etiquette. However, before I begin I must take the time to mourn the plans of our esteemed president Goodluck Jonathan, and his incredibly stunning wife Dame Patience. You see, they probably planned to spend the day at one Abuja poll or the other stroking their respective head pieces affectionately during a vote inspiring all you can eat buffet with such delicacies as snails, amala, and egusi, but now they can’t.

It’s a shame isn’t it? Anyway take your valentine’s day etiquette Afam style.

Leather is hot like fire!
OOOOOhhhh hot hot fire! You can imagine it now can’t you. Him in that restaurant with a black leather jacket a plain white tee and blue jeans, looking like a fatter, slightly less handsome and definitely blacker Zac Efron. Oh my! Your inner goddess comes alive. As you approach him you pick up the scent of his manly musk. It’s so strong that everyone around him seems to lean away from him instinctively. But you like this don’t you. No waitress will come near him, no worker of the night will try to seduce him because he smells so damn strong! In fact you might as well stick your head into his arm pit to enjoy the battle between his antiperspirant and his sweat. The idea is so hot it almost kills you.

Fast Food is the way
Like, you’re probably so turned on by him, that just the sight of him from across the street makes you want to fly into his arms and jump his bones right in front of all the mallams. That’s why when bae of life was planning your Valentine’s day together, he decided that you would get all dressed up to go to TFC/KFC/ Maccie Ds/ Mr Biggs/Sweet Sensation/ Dominos. Aren’t you special!! He knew that you probably didn’t want to wait too long before getting some healing smack down of a tumble in a parking lot somewhere. Doesn’t your bae just love you. All your wishes have come true. You eat in 15 minutes, you’re at his place in five, and the season probably takes about 2 minutes. It’s a very efficient Valentine’s day this. 30 minutes from start to finish. You are the winner.

Red Roses for the win
Oh my days! You mean he actually bought you red roses. Wow! He’s such a darling! I mean… how creative of him! People have only been giving roses for a couple of thousand years, but this year your honey sweetie of a cockroach was so inspired that he got you the same thing he’s got everyone he’s ever dated in whole his entire life – roses. And what? It was accompanied by a poem, something about roses and thorns, and you being worth the thorns.

Oh no! My heart can’t take it. He’s the one. He is definitely the one. And red is so you right? He could have gone with white or pink, or pink and white or peach or yellow, but the incredibly imaginative honey went and got you red ones. It took him a whole 2 minutes to make the decision. Girrrrrrl I just want to hug you right now, because you are special. He treats you like a queen. It took him a whole 2 minutes to plan your special day together. I’m positively green with envy.

Chocolate coloured dreams
You’ve been skinny your whole life. Even if you haven’t been skinny, your inner goddess is a size zero verifiable babe from the planet babe. You have the metabolism of a racehorse and this is why you were so pleased when Mr. Charmer of Life decided to gift you with the entire chocolate section of Shoprite, or Chocolat royale. Forget all about your FitFam and your 20 pounds off by the end of the year plans. Nothing tastes as good at chocolate packaged love. Even if you do gain one or two pounds from your Bae’s delightful banishing of the idea that your love handles and your muffin top are not permanent fixtures on your body, you should love the pounds because they came from a place of love. Every time you look at them you’ll be reminded of your darlings love for you.

Road Tripping for Lovers
Somebody hold me! Hold me I say, you mean your Bae decided that the both of you would go somewhere sandy and remote like Ilashe beach or Whispering Palms by road?! You don’t mean it. What a solid man he is! He has a boat, but he’s determined that to feel the determination of his love the both of you must enter a one chance danfo to the ends of Lagos. But worry not, the embers of your love will burn scorching hot as the potholes on the road throw you into positions you never even knew were possible! And the sweltering heat as you’re packed in between all those strangers will probably be the closest you ever come to an orgy. Aren’t you glad? There’s nothing more romantic than an orgy is there?

Well, that’s it from me. These may not be the best tips in the world, but I think you’ll find them useful in crafting the Valentine’s day of your dreams. As for me, I’m actively searching for a bae to spend Saturday with, but I know that I’ll probably end up playing another round of my ex was so wack.
It goes like this, my imaginary ex was so wack that she asked me for space. Of course when she came back, she discovered that all there was, was space. Take a real shot for me will you?

Photo Credit: Dreamstime | Jason Stitt