Funmi Shittu: When the Butterfly Feelings Flutter Away

Oh no! Not another relationship dos and don’ts! We’ve heard it before! Or did I just hear someone whisper not another relationship advice! If you are feeling like this honestly I don’t blame you. However, what happens when those butterfly feelings fades away? What are you left with?

Now we’ve all been there in our relationships and have all experienced the tingling sensation, burning desires and passion for our partners at one point or the other or probably still getting those butterflies, which mostly occurs in the starting of any relationship or marriage.

After all that, so what happened to those telephone calls excitements, longing to talk to him or her, waiting next to the phone to ring, the jumpiness or timidity and you being so anxious in front of each other?

Now maybe after a year or two, three, five or even ten years and so on into your marriage or perhaps into your relationship, what happens when we no longer feel those butterflies in our stomach?

Actually, I went on to research the cause of these butterflies we feel in our stomach and here is the summary of what it is.

The butterfly feeling is caused by adrenaline, a chemical that causes us to have butterflies in our stomach and occurs when we are nervous or excited mostly about a romantic relationship. When the chemicals pulls away from the stomach into our muscle this causes the butterfly feeling in our stomach. So, in my opinion, this has to do with attraction as a result of our body responding to the hormones and reacting to stimulus.

The truth is that in every long lasting relationship not just marriage, the butterfly feeling cannot stay nor last forever! A marriage is not sustainable solely on attraction but on love based on sacrificed. That is the honest truth, but hold on there! Does that mean the love is gone? Certainly not in most cases, it doesn’t mean the love has died or faded away. It just so happens that you are now on very familiar grounds with each other and no longer nervous like when you were in the early stages of your romantic relationship.

Sadly some people tend to think when the butterfly feeling is not there something is wrong with their marriage or their relationship and even worse of all some marriages and even relationships has broken because of this. Basically if we keep validating our relationship or marriage based on the butterfly feeling you won’t be able to keep and nurture a solid relationship or even a marriage.

I believe when a marriage hits this stage, we come into another realm of maturity of not just feelings, but another level of commitment, understanding, respect and unconditional love.

I was having this conversation with a friend and we discussed this, she asked me, ‘how can we awaken a spark in a marriage if we find ourselves in that position’.

The truth is, marriage requires hard work-you cannot reap what you do not sow into it.  You cannot depend on “trust” to hold the structure of your marriage neither can you rely on “feelings or butterfly” to be the gatekeeper. What happens when trust alone cannot handle the structure of your marriage? What happens when feelings fades away? What happens when butterfly disappears? Does that mean that it is all over?

NO! Marriage is like a seed in a beautiful garden but a beautified garden is a result of skilful work ethics, time and effort all based on SACRIFICE.

However, it is very significant that we work on attraction, just like a gardener working hard to get the best result from his plants. Also the physical aspect of a relationship is just as important as the spiritual aspect too!

For instance, envisage in the midst of your busy schedule as a wife, just before your husband returns from work on his normal routine and you are all made up, nice hair and taken your time just the same way you used to do it when the relationship just kicked off, wearing the best of the best lingerie and he comes in and meets you like that! This for sure would and will spark any man whether he is 70 years old or above. Don’t get this wrong, while you cannot achieve this every single day, but ask yourself how many times have you done this in a year or perhaps a week, month etc.?

Basically, take care of your health, your face, breath and keeping fit because all this determines your physical appearance. Sometimes we just get too over familiar with ourselves!

Also when trying to create excitements, this is not what you do when you are in disagreement with your spouse. You need to settle the feud and create the mood; you don’t want to get disappointed! The idea of creating sparks in your marriage is to raise the bar in your relationships and don’t get too religious and say my marriage will not break in Jesus name! Amen. The word of God has already been spoken over your marriage by God, the creator and maker of all things to make it work, but don’t leave the responsibility to God, (faith without works is absolutely dead).

Also for husbands, continue to woo your wives with words and actions! Your words during the day are powerful and will determine the outcome of your night time that is the Funmi therapy. I have heard some men say “but am no longer chasing her we are now married, so why should I continue woo her” that is funny, forgetting that women are passionate about sweet words.

We can’t leave the success of our marriage to chance, but through nurturing and cultivation, not feelings or how we feel. Although this doesn’t necessary bring back the butterflies but it strengthens and cultivates your institution.

It is fundamental that you are sure about the person you want to spend the rest of your life with because the butterfly feeling don’t last forever but love does with nurturing and consistent cultivation. Also I keep telling people all the time that marriage is not all about the roses, kisses in bed and trips to Dubai but more like who would take out the bin from the kitchen when both of you are very tired or would help do the house chores when both parties are so busy and needs to prioritize their time accordingly and so much more! It is not about what the relationship or the marriage can give to you, it is more about what you can give to your relationship or your marriage. If you go into a marriage thinking solely on your benefits, it will put you in a position where you become self-centred.

The butterfly feeling should never be mistaken as love because love is not just a feeling but it goes beyond and becomes a choice, with love you do everything possible to make it work and go beyond the physical and understand a different kind of intimacy with our spouse.

Please share your thoughts, what are your views when the butterfly fades away in a marriage or a relationship? Does that mean it is over for you?

Photo Credit: Dreamstime | Stockyimages