Kambili Chimalu: Ten Relationship Guidelines For Men

There have been a lot of pseudo intellectuals and experts who have come out to tell women how to treat their husbands/boyfriends/partners. Every time one turns around, there is a new voice telling women what to do, how to do it, and when to do it. In all these cases, nobody has stopped to think how this constant attention that is being given to women will make men feel neglected and abandoned, so I have come to even the scales.

I cannot be so presumptuous as to assume that I have all the answers, but this is my contribution in the continuing conversation on how men are to be better partners in relationships:

Compliment Her
You need to start the day with throwing her a compliment. This is no ordinary compliment because you are required to write her a ten page essay of compliments first thing in the morning, a fifty page thesis on how perfect she is in the afternoon, and a hundred page dissertation on how gracious she is for agreeing to be your partner. This may sound difficult at first, but the more you practice, the easier it will become for you. Every word that comes out of your mouth should be a compliment.

Massage Her Ego
Remember that there is nothing like a woman’s ego, so it is your duty to feed it every day for the rest of your life. Boost her self-esteem by telling her how she is the most magnificent being to ever walk the Earth. If she complains about work, remind her how she is the smartest person there and how her coworkers are just jealous of her brilliance. The woman’s ego is fragile, so ensure that you feed it day in and day out.

Do Not Question Her Movements
When your wife goes out and comes back at 2:00am, do not question where she has been. Even if she stays out all night, don’t antagonize her by brazenly demanding where she had been all night. If you see yourself getting tempted to raise your voice, just take a mouthful of water and swirl it around in your mouth. This will give you the time and opportunity to rethink any rash statement you would’ve made.

Do Not Leave the House Without Her Permission
Just like you cannot question her whereabouts, you cannot leave the house without her express permission. You need to tell her where you are going, who you will be going with, what you will be doing there, and when you will be back. You do not need an oracle to tell you that you should make your plans to ensure you are always home by at least 6:00pm, so you are at home whenever she comes home. If she feels uneasy about your going out, just call your friends and cancel; reschedule the activity for another time when she is more likely to give you her permission.

Keep the Home
It will be a great pleasure for her to come home to a clean house and hot meal every single day for the rest of her life, so ensure that she enjoys that comfort. Try to make it home on time to get started on the meal before she gets back. Instead of watching that football match between Chelsea and Arsenal, you can invest that time wisely by using it to clean things around the house. Asking her for help around the house would be unseemly, but if she picks up a broom or pot once, thank her profusely, so that she will be encouraged to help you around the house more.

Keep Fit/Sexy At All Times
If she got together with you when you had your six-pack, it is your duty to make sure you maintain that six-pack. Make sure you go to the gym to work out regularly. The fact that she is already with you is not an excuse to develop a beer gut. Also, make sure you keep a clean shave (if that is what she likes). Mold your biceps, triceps, and all the “ceps” you can mold. And please, no tying of wrapper on that beer gut or wearing of boxers with holes in them. Go shopping once in awhile, and buy outfits that will showcase your assets and excite her.

Satisfy Her Sexually
A lot of women cheat because their men cannot satisfy them sexually in bed, so make sure you do not become one of those men. Even though you may be tired from everything you have been doing all day, you must summon the strength and enthusiasm necessary for satisfying her. If she wants it hanging from the ceiling, then that’s what you should do. Indulge all her fantasies because if you don’t, there are plenty of men waiting to snatch her away from you. Don’t give those men the opportunity to break your home.

Ignore Her Excesses
If she cheats, remember that women are polygamous in nature and she may have been tempted into it. The thing is that her cheating may actually be your fault. Have you let yourself go? Is there something you used to do when you first got together that you no longer do? Try to find out what the other men do that you don’t and then do those things. While you are working on changing whatever it is you are doing wrong, take the matter to God in prayers. Commit her to the hands of God and pray that she leaves all those men outside and comes home to you. As you pray, console yourself with the knowledge that you are the one she chose; all the others are just side men. You are the main man.

Respect Her in Public
When you are in public with her, comport yourself in a way that will make her proud. Do not laugh too loudly lest people think you are ill-mannered. Do not get into arguments with her friends lest they think you are loquacious. Never ever contradict her in front of people. Even if she is dead wrong, just smile and nod your head in agreement. Choose your words carefully and show everyone how much of a gentleman you are whenever you are with her. Also, do not talk badly about her to your friends and family. All you should do is tell everyone how wonderful she is.

Your Life Should Revolve Around Her
This is perhaps the most important point in this guideline. She is the sun and you are Earth, so your life revolves around her. Hang on to her every word, bearing in mind that her words are gospel. Your career aspirations should be tailored to suit her ego. Do not try to be too successful because it will look like you are trying to dominate her. Every decision you make and every action you take should be to the glorification of her.

This list is by no means exhaustive, so I invite all my fellow experts, pseudo experts, quacks, men, women, and homo-sapiens to further expand this list by making suggestions on how men can be better partners to their women. If anyone complains that doing everything on this list is impossible because it demeans men and elevates women to the status of demi-gods, I want him/her to remember all those guidelines that have been published over and over again on how women should worship the grounds men walk on. Is it too revolutionary an idea to suggest that relationships require the devotion, sacrifice, and attention of the two parties engaged in the relationship? Is it too radical an idea to ask that no man or woman should be required to mortgage his/her happiness and agency in a bid to make someone else happy?

Is it too late to say that every relationship is different and that the man and woman must bear the brunt of sustaining the relationship if it is to work? Live and let live.

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