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WATCH ThreeSum’s Heated Chat about ‘The Nigerian Men we are Raising’ Article

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ThreeSum on TOKS TVIt’s episode 5 of ThreeSum!

The hosts are Lydia, Tunde and The NoiseMaker – Yemi Akisanya.

The producer, Toks of ToksVisions, left a long comment on Ink Eze‘s article, The Nigerian Men we are Raising, which spurred this week’s panel discussion.

Although the article did not state the issues are specific to Nigerian men, but rather, the points i.e. cheating, (domestic) violence, shaming women in public are encouraged, condoned or largely go unpunished amongst Nigerians, the panelists were discussing it from the point of view that the author stated they were solely Nigerian men issues.

  • Lydia called the article ‘bullshit’ and posited it might be the same group of people commenting and agreeing with the points raised. She said she has a father who calls her brother in to kitchen to cook with him, and he joins him, albeit grudgingly.
  • She also said to commenters of the article, “You really need to change your circle. If you’re in Lagos, move away.”
  • Yemi – the NoiseMaker, agreed with most of the article, saying because the law is rarely enforced in domestic issues in Nigeria, it enables people get away with a lot of bad behaviour.
  • Tunde dismissed it, saying Nigerian women, according to a study, are the biggest cheats in the world, and when it comes to domestic skills, he told people to check out his YouTube cooking tutorials.

Watch!

58 Comments

  1. @edDREAMZ

    May 6, 2015 at 6:13 pm

    a.k.a EDWIN CHINEDU AZUBUKO said…
    .
    For their fans bcos am not one though… Grease to their elbows though…
    .
    .
    ***CURRENTLY IN JUPITER***

    • Meena

      May 6, 2015 at 7:17 pm

      Lmao am I the only one that cringes when that girl opens her mouth?

      Noise maker I see you! Trying to be a screen darling now eyy? :).

    • LILO

      May 6, 2015 at 11:23 pm

      I was rooting for her but her case seems a hopeless one at this juncture

    • Seriously

      May 6, 2015 at 8:36 pm

      I’m disappointed at their response. Honestly, if they are going to have a response let it be thought provoking, and an eloquent one. All they can come up with is, it’s not all nigerian men. Ray rice, beat his wife. Tunde, has a cooking channel. So, all these should dismiss the article or what?. If you don’t have anything intelligent to say, please shut your mouths. They missed the whole point of the article. Yemi, honestly you have to do better. This is actually getting embarrassing. Do you want your channel to be taken seriously or as another Toke rant just for entertainment?

      The original article is a well written one, where the author did not play the “blame game” or male bashing but actually raised some critical points where it pointed back at the society and environment you are raised in affects your behavior. The truth is, Men and women are wired differently. However, a lot of negative behavior of men are excused, overlooked, tolerated because the world view men as stronger being and women as weak. The west, has implemented laws protecting women, and it wasn’t easy getting here. Now Nigeria, is a chauvinistic country, where a lot of these negative behavior has become part of the culture. And, many nigerian women are accustomed to such and even enabled it. If a man hits a woman, most Nigerians will lean towards oh, she must have provoked him. Sons are allowed to do whatever, but daughters Should be perfect. Let men be held at the same standard, responsibility, expectation as women. I can go on but don’t want to write an epistle.

    • inori

      May 7, 2015 at 5:37 am

      Thank you so much , i have noticed that nigerian men are unable to take any kind of critisism so in a country of 160 million of which half are men because 3 of the people on the show cook or have men in their family who cook the article is a lie . Like you said shame on them

    • Surely

      May 8, 2015 at 4:31 am

      I couldn’t finish the video. 3 buffoons. Nothing intelligent to say. The mumu in the agbada was just the worst.

  2. Lisa

    May 6, 2015 at 6:20 pm

    i usually wouldn’t comment but home girl is super dumb. Lmao.
    The article was written in reference to Nigerian men but not limited to them. So to completely dismiss it because you feel ‘not only Nigerian men do this’ shows us how silly u are. Also they are only speaking on this topic because it created buzz and they are trying to get as many hits off of it. (Sigh) Also to little girl in the middle , u hinted at the fact that because the author is a contributor on this forum somehow comments were ‘fake’ or from ‘the same group of people’ … (sigh)

    • Tuu

      May 7, 2015 at 7:51 am

      As innn! That girl just so irritated me in this video. How can she really say the same group of people are commenting? BN is not a childish blog and not everyone is jobless! Jeez! No one is saying there aint good men but majority of Nigerian men have the I am the man and i’m in control syndrome because of the way they were raised, Even Tunde that’s a chef, get married and your wife will still do more of the kitchen work, no matter how you love to cook. Abeg! make person hear word for una, Look for your own topics and talk about and stop using another person’s article to shine.

  3. Quirky

    May 6, 2015 at 6:27 pm

    This girl must be very ( Inserts a milder word for stupid) to say the article was trash. The fact that she lives in a sheltered world and completely consumed in her comfort zone does not make for her complete disregard for the opinions of a whole lot of people, Who due to life’s occurrence have witness these traits in a lot of NIGERIAN men. The fact is that these things and attribute are prevalent in our societal males and stating it was the author’s wise action. Calling it trash is an indication of the girl’s foolishness.

    • lacey

      May 6, 2015 at 8:15 pm

      Thank you Quirky and all the ladies that have commented! I read that article and I was already calling Lydia silly in my mind! She should just get out of this show as she is very artificial. I guess she is on that show to bag a husband! Then she is a great pretender! I have lived in London,Lagos,Warri,Benin,Abuja and just to name a few places, I have lived in Europe and in the States and I currently reside in Europe,a working professional and Nigerian Men whether in the village or in Europe/States are the same animals,and yes we have very lousy Nigerian women that are bad market for marriage as well,but compared to the men,its 10:4 and yes I have brothers who are very domestic and humble and love their wives,but that does not affect the real statistics of Nigerian men out there misbehaving.
      I am a social media consultant,so for Lydia to come out to say is just a group of girls in same circle commenting shows how highly unintelligent she is,as if I got a call from my friend in the US asking me if I read the article,then it’s very dumb of her to come here to spew her dumbness! The guys were even more realistic! Lydia please you are killing this show,please the directors of this show should start looking for her replacement or else!

    • bruno

      May 6, 2015 at 9:26 pm

      @lacey.

      he must have left u for another woman that’s why u are bitter and sad just like majority of ladies who come here to vent their anger and frustration about nigerian men in the comment section.

      my advice to u, if u are tired of men in general, become a lesbian or become the nigerian taylor swift and start writing songs about nigerian boys. loooooool

      we are never ever ever getting back together, like EVER!!!!!! (taylor swift voice) lol

      boys only want love if its torture. hahahahaha

    • Surely

      May 8, 2015 at 4:33 am

      you are mad Lacey. See how you’re attacking the woman you misogynist. She is dumb but so are the other two, especially the one in the kaftan.

  4. Ona

    May 6, 2015 at 6:59 pm

    Is that chic for real? WTF? She’s trying so hard to be this “cool” chic that goes against the grain, but instead she ended up sounding daft and very insensitive of other people’s truths. Ofcourse not all naija men are that way. HOWEVER, the fact that America has strict laws against domestic violence, cheating while in marriage(could cost u some alimony), child support payments and being a controlling man in public atleast could very well get u public ridicule… make men in America more cautious to indulge in these type of behaviors. I mean take a look at how people make front page news and are dragged from here to sokoto when they commit Domestic violence, are deemed as controlling, or cheat etc. Will the same be the case in naija? Is it not seen as a norm back home? Do women not accept these “fates”? WTF is this girl acting brand new for? In Naija where there are pretty much none or loosely upheld laws for DV, none for marital infidelity, none for child-support etc…in addition to the culture which pretty much uphold men as gods…of course the men will feel entitled. I was raised different from my brother. My mom made me do all the cooking, dishes, clean, take out trash…everything…while he played video games or watched tv…..she claimed she was molding me into a good wife. The problem with that is that men that are raised this way turn out to be very entitled and dependent on women and choose women mainly based on their domestic abilities instead of more important factors. How many non-african men have u met and one of the first questions they ask u off the bat is; can u cook ??…unlike their nigerian counterparts. I certianly learned from my upbringing and will endeavor to raise all my children the same way….for their own good. Our mothers didnt get it all the way right, and now that my brother has these same entitlement, self-centered issues, i remind my mom of that and guess what, she agrees! I dont blame them much because they only taught what they knew, but in today’s world where women arent exactly the mute, docile, house-maids anmore, it will only cause nothing but marital disputes as we see many that arise more and more these days.

    Yes, DV exist across the board, so does infidelity, entitlement, aggressiveness etc however our culture propagates these behaviors much more. That girl needs to get rel and stop trying to impress whomever it is she is trying to impress…her accent is pretty thick so i know she most likely grew up in naija, and even if her own experiences were different from the norm, she knew of many in Nigeria(and abroad) who lived the stereotypical Nigerian truth . Abeg abeg.

    • ogeAdiro

      May 6, 2015 at 9:00 pm

      With regards to the domestic abuse issue, and given my Nigerian experience, I would have to agree with the girl. There is nothing normal about a man beating up a woman in the Nigeria I know. Growing up, we were close to at least 10 families and only one out of the 10 had a father who was physically abusive. So I’m not sure what Nigerian truth you’re talking about.
      Aggressiveness – Nigerians are generally aggressive. It manifests in different forms but Nigerian women might be as aggressive as Nigerian men.
      Cheating – I’m not even sure that Nigerian men cheat as much as their western counterparts so I don’t know why they keep getting hammered.
      Entitlement – Your regular Nigerian (male and female) feels entitled. Again, it manifests in different forms but it is a Nigerian problem.
      Chores or no chores, what we need to be teaching Nigerian kids is love and respect (not fear).

    • Oddie

      May 7, 2015 at 1:11 am

      Oge, I think you missed the point. You cannot negate an entire societal issue simply based on your myopic experience. I have never personally dealt with racial discrimination for the 9 years I have lived abroad. Most of the caucasian friends and families I know are nowhere close to being racist, now does that mean that racial discrimination is non existent? No!

      My small personal experience is a drop in the ocean of reality. I also grew up in a completely different environment from the article and was raised in a completely different way. However, I also met so many people and I am currently friends with so many who have fathers, brothers and uncles who are everything on that article. So if something does not apply to you, simply ignore it and move on or just listen, but dismissing the voice of a majority that speaks for a flaw in our culture is not the way to go.

    • ogeAdiro

      May 6, 2015 at 9:19 pm

      insidermonkey.com/blog/lover-beware-the-8-countries-that-cheat-the-most-335926/8/

  5. M4

    May 6, 2015 at 7:03 pm

    Naija women are going to devour this lady for speaking her mind….grabbing my pop corn and waiting for comments to roll in.

  6. Chacha

    May 6, 2015 at 7:16 pm

    PS: This is why i date naija-american men or naija men that were mainly raised here. Cant deal with men mostly raised in naija…..i just cant deal. Tried that ish once and never again.

    • Ifeyinwa

      May 7, 2015 at 1:16 am

      OMG Chacha! After dealing with a few “bad apples” straight from Naija, I swore that I would ONLY date (at least) first generation Nigerian men here in the States. If he grew up in Nigeria, ndo I will not consider dating him. If he grew up anywhere else and still has some of the “good” Nigerian traits (hardworking, ambitious, intelligent) I am ALL IN! Not trying to throw shade, my dad was born and raised in Nigeria and I’ve told him about my experience with Nigerian men raised in Nigeria. He always advises me to shine my eye when it comes to men, but when it comes to his countrymen he warns me to shine my eye WELL WELL! According to Mom, Dad came to the States with a sense of entitlement and an ego out of this world. 30 years over here, and one American (liberal to the bone) daughter later, he now cooks, cleans, and is the absolute sweetest and humble (in Nigerian terms) man ever. But it only takes a trip back home to change all that. 😉

  7. JNyX

    May 6, 2015 at 7:18 pm

    Its flattering that they once again y’all have to leverage someone else’s “success”… but moving on…

    It is very obvious from this video that we cannot legislate creativity or common sense. Thankfully, it can be simulated and I’m hoping that I get to see more of that in subsequent videos.

    The Nigerian men we are raising is just one perspective. Some one else can come up to write about the Nigerian women we are raising. So I don’t get why y’all spent about half the video going bk and forth on why the writer didn’t address the other gender as well..

    Besides the points she talked about might also be global issues but in addressing them, it makes a lot of sense to “bring it home”.

    Generalizations would always be the bane of our existence. The three of you need to deal with that and move on.

    And finally, from 3 people who are educated and “exposed” this thing y’all want to pass off as content is actually mediocre!!!

  8. Babym

    May 6, 2015 at 7:40 pm

    Omg! can I just say that I love u bella naija commenters! you guys give me life for real! hehehehe, I have not even watched the video cus im still at work but I said let me read the comments cus I just knew it will be pure unadulterated entertainment and y’all did not disappoint! I will just like to use this opportunity to say thank you to bellanaija commenters for taking the time out of ur busy day to comment and keep us all entertained. One Love

  9. tanya

    May 6, 2015 at 7:50 pm

    Yes, Nigerian men are sadly raised differently. My dear girl your dad cooking is a rarity in Nigeria please grow up and look at the seriousness of this issue. When you say Nigerian men we are not referring to the 5 percent or 10 percent, We are referring to the 80%. What I noticed while growing up in Nigeria is that our men feel they are doing you a favour when they date or finally marry you. Our mothers worked at the offices or shops or businesses, come back home to cook and clean without changing from their work clothes while the husbands sit and watch television for the 9 o’clock news while criticizing the salt or tastiness in the food their tired wives cooked. Some of the wives even got slaps on their faces or knocks on their heads and they accepted this because they felt it was the right of their husbands to do this to them. How many Nigerian husbands tell their wives they love them behind closed doors, help her with the household chores or respect her for her intelligence? Our men see being possessive, rude, and condescending to their wives as being virile and macho! Many of our women don’t know what true love is and this could be the reason they don’t really feel valued hence the promiscuity people are complaining about Nigerian women. If a couple marries and doesn’t have children, the first person to carry the blame is the woman! If a man is not doing financially okay, the first person to carry the blame is the woman! Please don’t let us trivialize this topic, discussing it with an open mind will help a lot of men and women in unhappy marriages or relationships at home. I pray peace and love for all both men and women

    • [email protected]

      May 7, 2015 at 2:57 pm

      I love you for this comment!!! So happy a lot of people get it!

  10. bruno

    May 6, 2015 at 8:10 pm

    “the Nigerian men we are raising”

    pls who are the ones raising nigerian men, is it not nigerian women.
    (majority of nigerian mothers raise the kids). incase many of u haven’t noticed women are the ones that always get preferential treatment in society.
    if a ship is sinking, they will save women and children and leave the men to die.

    pls if u hate men so much, just become a lesbian,
    so many of u women on this blog are bitter because of the kind of terrible men u have encountered in ur life.

    the penis envy many of u women exhibit on this blog is astounding.
    many of u ladies on this blog are so angry cause u were born without a penis.

    yes, its a man’s world but shouting and bitching and writting one sided articles about it isn’t going to change anything or solve the problem . as I said earlier nigerian women are responsible for the way nigerian men are today.

    domestic violence- both men and women are guilty of domestic violence. but society punishes only men while women go free. example ray rice and the solange attacking jay z elevator incident. both solange and ray rice were guilty of domestic violence but who got severely punished in the two cases? ray rice. ray rice was lost his contract etc while solange was called a protective sister. smh

    I understand what the chic in the middle is saying if only she didn’t do that ratchet weave.

    u hate nigerian men so much but I can bet many of u ladies are fighting another woman because of a nigerian guy. lol

    by the way, i love me some nigerian men.

    • Oddie

      May 7, 2015 at 1:20 am

      Bruno, I will give you the benefit of a doubt that you are educated and mature. You do realize that you can engage in a conversation without being so tactless right? Insulting women and calling them bitter because they have raised an issue that is much deeper than men versus women is rather immature. If you intelligently state reasons why you do not agree with the article, it will create room for a conversation to occur.

      There is a double standard in society but we cannot continue to go down that road. We can go back on forth on so many situations in which double standards between men and women exist but how is that going to tackle the deep cultural chauvinism that we have in our society today?

    • next

      May 7, 2015 at 11:52 am

      Dear Oddie, u had to waste your well-stated response on Bruno? If u r new, please get used to it. Bruno is a tout. Save your responses for people well-deserving.

    • Takeseveralseats

      May 7, 2015 at 12:02 pm

      Thank God Bella Naija has now modified the Love This Button. You cant like your comment more than twice, otherwise Bruno would have loved his comment gazzilion times!!

      Penis Envy kwa? Not with the 2 inches, 2 minutes noodles men we have out there ! Including you Bruno!!

  11. lulu

    May 6, 2015 at 9:08 pm

    The lady is crazy…she needs to shut up. of all the co-hosts men! I understand that not all Nigerian men are like that but it does not take away the point the author was trying to make. Everyone’s experience is different. Just because your fatherraised you that way doesn’t mean other fathers did. I lnow ladies from wealthy homes that had the same experiences. Abeg make una find anoda host.

  12. Engoz

    May 6, 2015 at 9:44 pm

    Why is the Tunde guy breathing like he fought a dinosaur before the discussion even began? Anyway, most of the comments on the original article agreed that women especially mothers are the enablers of these bad characters and we also agreed that we needed to train our boys differently in order not to continue and perpetrate the cycle of having badly, I mean very badly behaved men. So this panel really didn’t say anything worthwhile as far as I’m concerned and I don’t get the aso-ebi comment either. That was so petty, including the same ID of persons posting comment, so childish. This is my first time of watching your show. If you are really serious about this your show and you really want me to take you guys seriously, you have got to do better than this, instead of vomiting such silly statements. The Tunde guy says he cooks, can he beat his chest and say majority of his own friends in his circle cook as well? Why this sudden pretense that you don’t know what we are talking about? The girl said her brother grumbles when her dad calls him to the kitchen and he replies the dad saying “…but my sisters are here why are you not calling them?” So where then did he get the stereotype that he’s not supposed to be in the kitchen? Is it from their mother? That example does not even prove the puerile point she was trying to make. It in fact reiterates what we are talking about… the misogynistic and sexist ideals that Nigerian men like her brother hold that only women should be found in the kitchen. The average Nigerian man is being raised as a chauvinist and gets very agitated and angry when issues like gender equality are brought up. The larger society in fact reiterates the point that something is terribly wrong in the way Nigerian men are brought up. They are not accountable for anything in a marriage as far as money has been provided, then everything that goes wrong in a marriage it’s the woman that is to be blamed. This attribute rears its ugly head in our political space where there is no accountability whatsoever. You really think it’s just by chance??? And that is why we would not be able to get it right if we do not address our family structure and how we allow men to misbehave and ignore it as ‘him just being a man’. If you do not see that we have a problem, I believe you are just trying to feign ignorance or ruffle feathers for the sake of having a different opinion.

  13. Engoz

    May 6, 2015 at 9:54 pm

    Also the fact that every single day there is Nigerian criminal somewhere either being hanged or shot at firing squad or caught in some senseless crime is enough reason to lament and raise the alarm on the Nigerian men we are raising…. Ink Eze thanks for raising the alarm. I’m also glad it got you guys talking, it means it hit a nerve.

  14. Liz

    May 6, 2015 at 10:20 pm

    Awww..how sweet.!!!(ignorance) I have come to accept there is a difference in thought process between those who live and work in Nigeria, compared to those who come back to turn up for Christmas or Easter. A huge difference. I was raised by an amazing father and friends who are married to amazing men. However, I am not blinded to truth.

    The initial article had wonderful comments, which you have significantly IGNORED! As women we were admitting there is a problem and discussing how to actively ensure the next generation of boys are not raised up in the same way,

    We were being honest and open(for once). We were saying woman to woman, we understand that our Mothers(messed up), they did not really understand what they were doing. We were saying we had no choice but to love these men as our brothers and husbands. However we were encouraging one and another to rise up for the new generation and ensure we were more attentive to our own daughters and SON’S. If you lived in Nigeria as an Adult you would have so much compassion for the article. Childhood memories of Nigeria are great and wonderful. However living here as a adult with dreams and ambitions is a different experience.

    • [email protected]

      May 7, 2015 at 3:02 pm

      Thank you so much for this. I couldn’t have put it better myself.

  15. LILO

    May 6, 2015 at 11:20 pm

    Ok real talk…Toks can you put Lydia on a paid leave? She seems to be getting dumber…kilode? She has had enough episodes to get her ish together yet she keeps misrepresenting women. The moment she starts speaking, I just cent wait for Yemi or Tunde to interrupt her and sheesh her. How dare you Lydia call an all star BN article trash? Wait till I see you in the red line L train and pull your wig off.

    Now…Tunde I love how he came prepared and hit some valid points. Need I say he slayed in that traditional outfit! Heheheheh

    • Deee

      May 7, 2015 at 12:58 am

      I like what you said about Lydia but How did tunde slay please????? that getup he had on did not look that good

  16. Mz Socially Awkward....

    May 6, 2015 at 11:24 pm

    Wow… this female member of their trio. Wow. In fact, this one deserves a very special “wawu”, à la Chigurl.

    Okay oh, nne. Whatever you say issorait and person no suppose too vex because I strongly sense that your journey still dey very far. After all, we’re only a tiny cluster of tadpoles swimming in a little puddle somewhere around Yaba and using a nearby cybercafé to comment variously on the same article using different pseudonyms. An article written by our friend and fellow tadpole, Nkechi Eze, no less…

    Yes, your journey is still a very long trek away.

  17. nnenne

    May 7, 2015 at 12:07 am

    The writer didn’t generalize.The clue word was,” MAJORITY.” The writer did not say “ALL.”

    The ratio of people doing these things in Nigeria seem to be more, compared to the Western world.

  18. Oddie

    May 7, 2015 at 1:03 am

    This is the problem I have with Lydia’s thinking. The fact that the women are getting married to these men does not negate the fact that the men might actually not be marriage material. I am saying this because so many people are getting married just because not because they are supposed to. I will continue to say this until someone starts listening; marriage is not the “be-all and end all” of life. Our culture has perpetuated this idea that a woman is less a woman because she is not married, which has pressured so many women to go into marriage knowing fully well that the men they are marrying are really not worth it. Some men on the other hand see marriage as a continuation of “cradle living”, so the hand-over of responsibility from mum to wife takes place at the altar. You cannot negate a major societal issue simply based on your minor experience. So next time, if a situation does not apply to you, simply ignore.

    I also find it difficult to understand why most people missed the REAL issue the article was targeting. Some have decided to turn it into a man bashing session and others have resulted to women bashing when in reality, the real issue is the culture and society we live in. Notice how most Nigerian marriages don’t last when the family moves to the United States? Perhaps that is because there are laws that that have been put in place to protect the rights of the woman. When a husband in Nigeria beats his wife, rather than people look to the man for what he did, the woman is targeted. The article gave examples of such situations so I will not go into it. A man knows not to touch a woman in the U.S. because he knows what is waiting for him. So let us stop with the whole “this is not a Nigerian man issue only”. In as much as the article targeted Nigerian men, the article is raising a much deeper issue of the culture we live in and what we consider as “normal.”

    I was raised in a wonderful home and have grown up around men who are not anything like that list. However, I have also seen friends who have fathers/brothers/uncles who are everything on that list. Anything can be situational, so rather than sit in our bubble of oblivion and call out an issue as completely false because it does not apply to us specifically, I think we should be more open to addressing the real issues in our culture and society. We have so many men that are raised to think everything is all about money, so we have present but absent fathers, who unintentionally raise their daughters to be money hungry and materialistic. The absence of affirmation and emotional relationship from dad causes them to seek out emotional comfort from men. So we end up with egotistic men who think they are God’s gift to women and insecure women who will do anything (like stay in an abusive relationship) for some Gucci and Louboutin. The insecure women go on to raise more insecure and materialistic daughters who see men as ATM machines and means to financial security and the egotistic men who take pride in their money have no problem “demanding” respect simply because they are bringing the money home.

  19. Engoz

    May 7, 2015 at 1:45 am

    Nigeria is a country where if a lady criminal is caught, Nigerian men think it’s OK to finger the lady or put pepper in her private parts and you want to compare our issue to what obtains in the Americas or Europe? Citing Ray Rice as if that changes anything.
    Nigeria is a country where young girls are still being sold to the highest bidder under the disguise of religion and tradition and you still want to compare Western men to your local men?
    Nigeria is a country where the men feel it’s beneath them to cook when the wife is around and all of a sudden you want to pretend they don’t? Please don’t take us for fools.
    Is it not just today our senate passed a bill criminalizing female genital mutilation? Wow we sure do have that in common with the West.
    That buzzfeed video about men’s beauty standards around the world cites a study about Nigerians in their early 20s and how they already view masculinity as culturally superior to femininity and this panel wants to pretend that we don’t live in a misogynistic society that allows men to get away with uncouth behavior by using very careless statements like ‘change your circle’ or ‘the posters must have dated the bad ones.’ This is analogous to the question…do I need to be raped to know that rape is evil and indeed rampant in our society before I can talk and fight against it? The fact that you have to look very very well to find the right guy is a perfect sign that majority a badly trained.

  20. Rt

    May 7, 2015 at 2:18 am

    @lacey…
    So your own brothers”are very domestic and humble and love their wives” while Nigerian men are “animal”…really?!With such statement it only tells and show one thing,frustration and bitterness.And it has eating you up to a point of being out of touch with reality..For your info. throwing tantrums here and there won’t solve your predicament,coz the last time I checked we are still in 21st century and the world right now is a global village,your chances of dating a non Nigerian man are very huge..So take a chill pill! b4 you aggravate your blood pressure.

  21. Ummmm...

    May 7, 2015 at 2:50 am

    This girl is an idiot. Your PERSONAL experience doesn’t give you the grounds to invalidate everybody else’s. Don’t be silly. Thinking and speaking with sense is not that hard, damn! And her “women are getting married to these men” argument… does that make them any less horrid? What exactly is your point here?!

  22. Tina E

    May 7, 2015 at 2:53 am

    The family is the nucleus of the larger society. If we are sincere to ourselves, we will agree that most families have lost their core values. Instead of name calling, I think we should sit down and re-evaluate the part we have played and are still playing both as individuals and collectively that brought us to where we are. If our sons are raised by nannies because the mums are chasing a career, so be it. When you sow corn, do you reap apple? NO! A woman’s life is full of beats and pieces. There are careers that are not for women when the kids are still being raised. No one can impart your core family values to your kids, better than you. Instead of blaming the men for what had become of them, mums should take blames for abandoning their responsibilities. I am not exonerating the dads, not at all. I only want mums to accept responsibility for their sons irresponsibility and seek for ways to address them. We can still make a change with God on our side. So help us God!

  23. Mi

    May 7, 2015 at 3:28 am

    Tunde’s take on domestic violence, yes, it is something that occurs around the world. But as he mentioned, in the U.K, the men were ‘indicted’. Keyword there. How many Nigerian men do you know are get in trouble, even on the family level, for DV?? It isn’t the fact that there is DV that is the issue, it is getting away with it, women taking it and the children observing this behaviour (i.e. cycle of violence) that was the issue in the article.
    Lydia’s entire part was just….wow….using her own family as the yard stick of measurement for the rest of Nigeria isn’t generalisation, but the article is?? So her dad is the rep for all Nigerian men out there or what?? That’s like mi saying all men are kind and generous because my father is. How ignorant does that make mi sound?? Just because I am privileged to have a father like that doesn’t mean my father represents all Nigerian fathers or that there aren’t fathers who exemplify the men described in that article.
    The article didn’t say ALL Nigerian men are this way or that way, but that there is a good number that are, and their upbringing is partly to blame.
    That was the take home message – society/culture’s hand in upbringing needs reevaluation.
    If her father raises your brother differently, we commend him and pray others emulate him. Question though. Her brother was wondering why their dad asked him and not Lydia or her sister into the kitchen. Where did he get the idea that the ‘correct’ order was for the girls to be called and not him?? Isn’t that the cultural issue the article was referring to??

    Please don’t open your mouth and disrespect/dismiss the lives, struggles and woes of everyone else who aren’t as privileged as you by saying they need to ‘change the circle’ they hang out with, move to a different city or saying ‘such men’ don’t exist. If it doesn’t apply to you or those around you, thank God. But out of sight does not make it out of existence as well.

  24. VeryAngryNigerian

    May 7, 2015 at 3:32 am

    When I was in secondary school, a group of us thought it was a fun idea to climb on our desks, stump on it and make loud noises. While we were at it, a teacher came in and unfortunately I was the only one she could lay her hands on. She grabbed me by the ear, pulled me out of the class and asked, why were you stumping on your desk? I replied, I wasn’t the only one…….WOOOSAAA…..I heard, felt and saw a slap land across my face. My ears rang, and she said who asked you about others? Needless to say I learned a valuable lesson that day(even though it was through abuse…another article for another day) …always address issues as it applies to you. The author of the article is clearly Nigerian, possibly lived/lives in Nigeria, has at some point in time dated Nigerians. So please when did Ray rice become Efik or Itsekiri? Wetin cosain us with dat wan now? Mtchewww.
    I hate to see people in denial, Nigerians love to be in denial, we say economy is not good, one ITK will waddle into the conversation and say ah Noooo, Nigeria’s economy is the best because they live in Lekki phase 1. The article touched on real issues. Yes the boy child is raised differently in most Nigerian homes. Heck during our mothers era, you are not a complete woman till you birth a boy child. Men took second wives to have sons. Ever heard, I don’t want my last name to die with me? Yes, sons are treated and raised differently. There are households here and there that are different, but for the most part the boy child is raised to be domineering, assertive and even aggressive. Nigeria is still evolving, wait till the modern Nigerian woman living in Nigeria starts standing up for themselves. By the time those timid and docile women start stabbing/pestling their husbands to death all in the name of self defense, news laws will begin to spring up to protect Nigerians against domestic violence. Not the old school way of killing your husband a la juju or rat poison. The time will come no one would guess who killed who, it would be a matter of how to stop it. Let’s be honest one good trait instilled in most Nigerian men is the provider trait. While it’s a good trait to have,they fall short in other areas, like catering to their family’s emotional needs, connecting to their spouses on a deeper level etc. Most of them are disconnected- period. To them it’s all about money, once they are able to do this, they have fulfilled their purpose in life. But hey we are not all perfect, and we are product of families and society, if it’s too late to change the ones we have, it’s not too late to mold the ones we are yet to birth.

  25. kelechi

    May 7, 2015 at 7:32 am

    Honestly I don’t understand why most ladies are getting worked up over issues they inspire. Majority of dis ladies, condemning dis so called quagmire, still cook, clean and suck up to thier boy friends, and neva complain about this behaviour. But once they get on the Internet, they become keyboard warriors. Note dat men will only take you serious, if only u actually do talk about this shortcomings and not suck up to men all day in hope of getting a ring. I just can’t deal with brandish hocus pocus.

  26. anonymous

    May 7, 2015 at 10:11 am

    Now there goes the generalization. So it’s the women that should raise the kids including men while the father watches t.v abi? Men should raise men to be men. I know you hate the bible, but the bible said of Abraham ‘I know Abraham, cos he will teach his children after him’? but nooooh, it’s the woman’s job.

  27. mrs chidukane

    May 7, 2015 at 1:09 pm

    In church yesterday one small boy that acts up every week was acting up as usual and his mother was trying to deal with him but obviously he is too much for her while her husband sat 5 rows away in front, doing his best Jesus baby thing. I was just wondering if heaven will fall if he takes his son to sit with him and teaches him proper comportment in God’s house. Is that not what father’s are supposed to do? My dad was not the best of dads. He was verbally and physically abusive. I remember one time we had visitors and my mom served him food and left. He screamed her name and threw his spoon away because he didn’t like the one he was given and screamed at her to get him another one. You will serve my dad swallow and hold the washing bowl for him to wash his hands. You dare not just drop it and leave. He used to rudely walk her visitors out of the house whenever he felt she had wronged him and wanted to rake her or he just felt he didn’t want her receiving any. It was hell. When my parents got divorced, we the children were ecstatic. People used to come and pray with us for them to get back together but after the prayer we wouldn’t say amen cos it was our worst nightmare. Finally we could have peace and enjoy our lives. I can honestly say that was the best thing that has ever happened to me. Guess who gave my dad his god complex? His mom. She would cook and serve him. Do his laundry. Pick up after him and make him feel like a king. Even when she was alive and saw all these things happening, she would encourage him and tell him he’s doing the right thing. Same thing with my Father-in-law and his mother. The article by Ink is spot on. That you did not experience such doesn’t mean it’s fake. Loads of Nigerian men are as described in the article. That they’re getting married doesn’t mean it’s not true. It’s just a testament to the resilience or foolishness of the Nigerian woman, depending on how you look at it. For me, i don’t have a problem with a man that can’t cook. Just respect me and my family especially my mom. She’s my hero. Respect our marriage vows, don’t lie to me, don’t be lazy and always remember that you’re not a god to be worshipped.

    • papermoon

      May 7, 2015 at 1:56 pm

      When my parents got divorced, we the children were ecstatic. People used to come and pray with us for them to get back together but after the prayer we wouldn’t say amen cos it was our worst nightmare.”
      sort of funny and sad at the same time. Thank God ur man grew the strength to walk away….. And you came out well I think.

    • papermoon

      May 7, 2015 at 1:57 pm

      *mum*

    • Tuu

      May 7, 2015 at 4:10 pm

      My dear, this is just like the story of my life, people are still praying for my parents to get back together but i always say GODFORBID! TUFIAKWA! All the peace we enjoy without my father is nothing but bliss, my mother can fully pay attention to our individual needs without panicking about if she’s doing something wrong, Nigerian men are raised wrongly and that’s why this Lydia girl annoys me now, cos in my family alone, i can point at least 8 unruly men without stress.

    • gia

      May 7, 2015 at 5:18 pm

      “It’s just a testament to the resilience or foolishness of the Nigerian woman, depending on how you look at it”

      My dear,na foolishness…no other way to look at it!

  28. Californiabawlar

    May 7, 2015 at 2:18 pm

    I’ve been waiting for someone to realize that article wasn’t about marriage. Ink also stated many issues that had nothing to do with how husbands treat their wives.

    Truth is that in Nigeria, a lot of men are generally badly behaved towards women. The comment that rang truest that day was one about being on NYSC camp ground and getting her hair pulled by a random guy and when she reprimanded him, she told she was going to be ‘uncontrollable’ by her husband.
    I once overheard my mum’s driver grumbling to another staff that my mum was too bossy, when afterall he had my mum’s ‘type’ (equalizing my mum to his primary school certificate-holding, no job/having skin-bleaching lazyass wife). I’d hate to state the obvious but if we were ‘typing’ people, his wife is definitely not in the same category has my mum. And this thinking is rife with Naija men on every level, from drivers to security men to bankers and lawyers.
    So I don’t care if I find the Phantom Nigerian Prince Charming who cooks, cleans, doesn’t cheat and is respectful….. Please the other men out there still need to modify their behavior….women are not second class citizens to you…because i’m a chick doesn’t mean I have to be subservient to you….keep that one for your enabling wife.
    Which brings us back to the main point, charity begins as home, any problem that is so endemic to a people and culture such a this can only be fixed from the home front….it starts from childhood. I’ve had little american boys as young as 5 hold the door for me, and I noticed they always look at their parents for approval when they do this…lol. I know holding the door is a cultural thing but i’m just letting you know how young these boys are being taught to be aware. It’s the same way Naija girls start washing dishes or clearing dad’s plate after dinner, but a Nigerian boy child only has to do homework and is then left to his own devices.
    I’m glad we had that somewhat adult and constuctive conversation the other day though…these guys right here, since all they know is to make misogynistic comments about relationships, let them kontinu, their bones are already formed…nothing we can do about that…and to the chick, don’t worry, that thing you’re looking for, you will find it, and then you will know that all the women on here (married or single), trying to create social awareness are not senile….just wait, you’ll see…you’re already in good company it happen soon.

    All I know is that any child that comes out of this vjayjay of mine will do better.

    • Kili

      May 8, 2015 at 12:21 am

      …from drivers to security men to ok ads riders to some dirty aimless lowlifer wandering the streets of Lagos that randomly call you all sorts. “Fine girl” “blackie”
      Nigerian men are soooooooo disrespectful. There is nothing they can’t say or do.

  29. tunmi

    May 7, 2015 at 2:19 pm

    My BN family, Una know say I love Una die. Butttt the highest praise goes for BN, YOU GUYS FIXED THE LIKE BUTTON!!!!!!! Now we can truly see what the majority agrees with. BN Team, you guys are the real MVP.

    Also I am so glad and impressed that this collective move towards gender equality is happening, even if it is by sharing stories and opinions on an online platform.

  30. Idomagirl

    May 7, 2015 at 10:39 pm

    These comments did not disappoint. Thank you for setting these jokers straight.

  31. xxx

    May 8, 2015 at 3:20 pm

    Yemi says is “Rs” like he’s about to bite his tongue. Does he have a lisp he’s trying to hide? lol. They are actually all funny with their “Rs”, what’s that about? No comment on the topic, no time…

    • xxx

      May 8, 2015 at 3:24 pm

      *his

  32. xxx

    May 8, 2015 at 3:24 pm

    Ok, I take back the no comment. Here’s some feedback for this show. Get some intelligent people on your show with a wider vocabulary or these guys should review this tape and brush up… She needs to change her circle. Nigerian men do need a new orientation and it can only start from home.

  33. Mma

    May 12, 2015 at 5:25 pm

    Interesting points of view. You guys should also discuss this new bellanaija article on divorce after cheating: bellanaija.com/2015/05/09/ugochi-ukah-factors-that-may-influence-the-decision-to-divorce-after-cheating/

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