Atoke’s Monday Morning Banter: Holiday with the Boyfriend

“Michael proposed to me while we were on holiday in Rome. He knows Italy holds a special place in my heart; so when he suggested that we go away on holiday to the ancient city, I was completely thrilled. The best part of it was the Villa he rented. Ah-May-Zeen!”

I read these stories and think about the average Nigerian home. Where do these people tell their parents they’re going? How does it work in some homes? Picture a 23-year old woman whose boyfriend has suggested a trip to Ghana for the extended Sallah public holiday.

Do you go to your parents and declare: “Mum/Dad, Michael wants us to travel together.” Or do you lie that you’re going with a group of friends? Does that make it easier to digest than openly declaring that you’re going to be in ‘uncomfortably’ close quarters with someone of the other sex?

I have been thinking about the nuances of going on holiday with someone you’re not married to. Apart from the issue of declaring to your family that you’re going away with a man, there are other things to consider. Who pays for what? Is it a joint trip where both parties share the expenses? Or is this one of those things where we are unwavering in our understanding of gender roles. “This one, the man must pay. He is the man after all”

If the man is expected to bear the complete financial burden, then can you still, in good conscience, ask for separate rooms – assuming you want to keep up the façade of ‘not doing anything’? Then there’s the different levels of sexual activities that happen when one is in a romantic villa, or in a room overlooking the beach.

You know how we are always quick to say we’re very cultural. We swear by our adherence to all things cultural when it comes to sexual matters, so it is safe to assume that there are no unmarried people having sex – especially when they go on holiday together.

In discussing this topic with The Mo’, we agreed that the categories of women determined the ease with which they could go on holiday with their boyfriends. We talked about girls between the age of 18-24 who still lived at home with parents. They are the ones who need to come up with an excuse to go away with a man. Women who either lived alone, or were older had no such problems.
In fact, travelling with your Boo is encouraged after a certain age. The category described as the “my friend, come and be leaving this house as you no wan marry” age.

Somehow, we subconsciously associate travelling with the boyfriend as a sign of an impending proposal anyway, so the closer you are to your ‘sell by’ date, you’re encouraged to dust your travelling bag and follow that man wherever he says it is he is going. Erin Ijesha? Here we come Baby.

There’s also the category of Nigerian women who live and study abroad. You know how Nigerians say “There are no husbands in America”, so a young Nigerian woman is setting her sights on this Abuja guy who has been talking to her. Her parents and family live in Lagos, but Boo wants her to come Nigeria, so they can plan a proper holiday together. He has told her about Shiroro Dam and the Zuma rock exploration. She is excited at the prospect of all these beautiful sights – something extra for her to share with her boyfriend.

As a metropolitan girl who lives in the States, she mentioned to her mother that Akin had invited her to holiday with him in Nassarawa. “It’d be fun to see that part of Nigeria”

Mummy was unable to hide her displeasure over the phone. “Fun? Does he want to marry you? Where will you stay? You better not go anywhere with any man who has not come to make his intentions known.”

Yeah… holidaying by an unmarried couple raises quite a few eyebrows, and I don’t get it. Do we really think that people can’t get laid in their regular domicile? Are we so afraid of sex outside of marriage that the mere thought of a holiday raises that specific red flag? Holidays are a huge part of life experiences. Is it really bad to go for a week away to go explore Olumo Rocks in Abeokuta?

I don’t think men have this problem when they’re planning a holiday. Well, there’s the financial burden, which usually lands squarely on their laps. Whilst a guy doesn’t necessarily have to ask anybody for permission to go away with his lover, he might have to ask his Bank Balance the pertinent question: “Actual Bae, can we really do this?”
Here’s what going away with your Nigerian girlfriend entails: cost of transportation, cost of lodging, cost of sights to see, and if you’re feeling like going to a country which requires a visa… well.. All the best!

Costs become multiplied if you’re dating someone who expects you to furnish her with ‘shopping money’. By the time you come back from the holiday, you’re so financially drained that you’re not sure you’d plan another holiday till you’re sure she’s married to you and then the effort will at least be some sort of investment.

When I asked a man about for his opinion on travelling with his girlfriend, he said he had no problems with taking women on holiday. He said he would willingly pay for the hotel, the food, the flights and the visa. However, he would draw a line if when they got to the destination, the chic suddenly had her own agenda.

“Why am I paying all this money if you want to spend the entire time in the shops… ON YOUR OWN?”

This is how I know that Nigerian men have completely different perspectives on these things. As long as the man can afford it, why not? For the woman, she has to think about the propriety of going away with Michael. Even if she decides to do it under the radar, social media is a problem. The urge to take ‘selfies with Bae in Mauritius’ is too strong.

What do you think about the idea of going on holiday with your boyfriend/girlfriend/fiancé? Are there any rules? Please share some of your cloak and dagger stories. One time, my friend had to visit her boyfriend in Nigeria and suddenly became an action film hero. Wearing long hijab and scarfs around Yaba and Iwaya did not protect her the day she went to Unilag back gate to buy plantain and her Papa saw her as he was driving into Unilag.

Have a fabulous week ahead. Be happy. Be beautiful. Smile.

Peace, love & celery sticks.

Oh wait, before I sign off, I have to thank everybody who has been a part of the creative writing giveaway {click here if you missed it} The competition is on till Wednesday the 5th, so please keep the entries coming.  This competition has been interesting for me. I realise a lot of people struggle with basic things like tenses and structure. There are some good stories, with interesting ideas but the grammar is so bad, I don’t know where to start. Look, it is impossible for eyes to ‘roll indefinitely.’ Then you don’t have to TELL your reader everything. Allow for implicit deduction. (“Maami is blind”)

So we’re going to have a Google Hangout to talk about writing. If you’re interested, please add me on Google+ We’ll work out something.

Winners will be announced next week. Please share the competition link with your friends and like your favourite stories too.

Toodles!

Photo Credit: Dreamstime | Darren Baker