Olajumoke Awosemo: When Sex Walks Away From Your Matrimonial Bedroom

How exactly does one describe a situation where a whole month or even two has gone by without the hands of a man and his wife even do so much as mistakenly touching each other? How does one deal with and revive a sexless marriage? Are you living in one or do you know anyone who is? The truth of the matter is that this is the reality of a lot of us, even if we refuse to admit it to anyone else.

For the purpose of clarity, sexless marriage in this context only refers to marriage between two people whose sex life or intimacy has plummeted over the years but neither of them are involved in extra marital affairs. The point here is that the lack of intimacy is not as a result of the presence of another woman or man, as the case may be.

I recently stumbled on a survey that suggested that an estimated 15% of marriages become sexless about the second to the third year of its existence. This implies that intimacy between such married couples has reduced to less than10 times per year. Shocking!

During the early phase of a marriage, many couples would barely be able to keep their hands off each other. Unfortunately, this blissful state seems not to last for too long. This appears to be a common struggle among working class couples that try to balance their busy schedule with parenting and intimacy. While no two couple are exactly the same, the most common scenario looks to be that these couples maintain a very strong emotional connection and even remain best friends. They love one another, but they just don’t feel that sexual spark that was felt in the beginning anymore.

Experts have identified two main culprits responsible for a sexual collapse in marriages: neglecting physical intimacy and not accepting each other’s differences.

Women are often more guilty of neglecting physical intimacy- we are natural multi-taskers who have endless ‘to- do-list’ and we find it extremely hard to set aside our worries of the day. It implies that, ‘to be sexual, we must think and feel sexual too’. It is important that we declutter our mental state to allow for a worthwhile sexual experience.

The second issue is that we often view sexless marriage problem as our partner’s issue or perhaps even fault, instead of regarding the problem as that of the couple. We must also remember that we have different needs as two separate genders and while one person is just fine with deep friendship, another will want deep intimacy as well.

It is important to understand that a sexless marriage is a very vulnerable marriage. Asides from the fact that sex promotes the flow of oxytocin, the hormone that promotes the feelings of bonding, sex also makes the marriage fun and strong. Couples in a sexless marriage, no matter how close must feel something missing deep within.

What is the solution then to catch and get hold of sex that threatens to slowly creep out of one’s bedroom? Couples can learn to re-wire their brains and psyche to recreate and experience more emotional and sexual closeness. Practical ways of mending the wall of sexless marriage include: Boosting up physical affection such as holding hands, hugging and touching; Resolving conflicts skilfully, as lingering or unsettled disputes can affect a couples sex life; putting the marriage relationships before career, finances and even young children; spending time with one another.
Conclusively, talking about the sexless state of the marriage and reaching a conclusion to make good effort is a very vital solution.

Photo Credit: Dreamstime | Bobby Flowers