#BN2015Epilogues: It Was the Intentional Awakening Year For Bisi

Happy new year to all our readers! As promised, we are continuing the 2015 Epilogues due to the volume of responses we got. We’d like to thank every one who sent an entry, and if you sent your story before the 15th of December 2015, you will see it published on BellaNaija.

If you’re reading this and wondering, ‘What on earth is the series about?’ please catch up HERE.

We’d like to believe that faithful BN readers have not missed any of the stories in this series, but if you have, Bisi‘s story is one you MUST read. It is funny, emotional and above all, uplifting.

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What a beautiful year you are 2015! O san mi so owo, omo, alaafia ati aiku bale oro (meaning gave me wealth, children, peace and life which is the ruler of wealth) You brought me so much laughter beyond my reasoning.
though for the early part of the year…I cried my sleep to sleep almost everyday.
Ok…let’s flash back. 2014 was meant to be the bestest year of my life but before I could say Jack Bauer, it threw me a dodge ball, chai! I was shattered, felt unworthy, felt like a loser. In fact that was the definition of my situation.

Brief snippets…wedding plans was in order for Easter 2014…dress, hall 500k deposit non-refundable, hmmmm!!! 9ja vendors ese ooo(no hard feelings though), IV, aso ebi, decoration all deposited for went down the drain, preps you can imagine for a long time waiting bride. Apparently, this bride to be was in her mid-thirties, you can imagine the anxiety, excitement and relief from all prying eyes and noses lol….anyway groom decided to walk away just a month before without reason. Friends, no reason whatsoever…groom could not even make up a shoddy excuse just for explanation sake…oti ooo.

Apologies for the digression just a little insight, please do not pity me or curse him ooo…life happens and some situations are just beyond us but it was tough.

How do I start explaining this to my family, friends and people that have bought flight tickets from all around the world? Well trust me as a sharp babe that doesn’t want to be queried, I cooked up a sob story that the wedding plans was postponed and I’ll get back to them. But like you all know, people will still ask questions, I just ignored and went into a cocoon like mode, bad move.

Ok back to reality, I became a shadow of myself. I had the most foul attitude you can imagine. I was horrible at work both to colleagues & clients…omo mennnnn!!! I can’t explain how my ass wasn’t fired.

I had a lot of failed, halted progressive plans…failed in all areas, blew up from a lovely size 8/10 to a puff puff size 12/14/16, got into debt to mention a few. Did I mention that I am a Christian, oh yes I pray and guess what I prayed and fasted, white, colourful, biribiri (meaning marathon fast no water or food etc) for days! But every time, it felt like I was hitting a brick wall. It wasn’t that God did not care or answered my prayers, I was my own hindrance.

Then came the suicide attempt which was miraculously stopped there and then I realised God was closer than I could imagine and he wasn’t finished with me yet. It then dawned on me that I really didn’t want to die, I just wanted a quick fix which is not always the best.

So 2015 came and d situation was still the same. I was looking for answers, wearing my ring to make some people feel the plans are still ongoing just to hide away the shame I felt and my loser self.

I can’t tell when it happened but I got to a point where I intentionally spoke to myself and forgave me! And then my beautiful lovely Self began to resurrect again taking over the cocoon of disgust I built for myself. My dear if you met me then, OMG! you’ll puke.

But something broke on the inside, I told myself I wasn’t the problem. I gave me reasons to focus and live again. I spoke to me…wow! You won’t believe how emotional I got when I was being spoken to ,but it made a lot of sense – to intentionally awake me. My family & friends did all they could to encourage me, bless them but it wasn’t good enough until I came to terms with me.

So long story short…no wedding plans yet. I still keep the pictures of new styles just incase. I am still single, clearing my debts as a result of compulsive shopping disorder (lol) but against all odds…lines are falling for me in pleasant places.

God brought me out, he cleaned me and gave me reasons to be thankful. And I am thankful…because I see a new me, I see life differently. I fear God more because he is still God irrespective…and need I say, He “GOD” he’s a very very very very very good GOD(caps to tell you how indescribable he is)

My story might not make sense because it’s scanty, but for whatever reason you find yourself in a dark place please please please do not put up a front, let your loved ones know your struggles. It’s difficult yes, especially if you are a very independent person but talking is quicker to recovery. If you must know, it gets darker in the dark, it creates an illusion that you are better off gone.

Despite my makeup and fashionista mirage to cover it all making everyone around me feel comfortable that I am fine I was busy planning my demise but the owner of my life wasn’t ready to take it yet…maybe he wanted me to tell someone this.

The intentional awakening was as a result of his mercy! And that mercy is renewed everyday. Today I can talk about 2015 and the penultimate year without a tear in my eye. I solely boast of this in God.

Dear friends & honorable BNers, thanks for reading my epistle…excuse the typos and bad writing I am a tailor biko, lol. But above all, trust God always…he’s not a man that he should lie nor repent, he’s all manly yet so divine. Please say a word of thanks to God on my behalf.

God bless u all and I believe 2016 is going to be glam for us all! Just trust God one more time.
NB: the diamond ring is still here, if you want it you can have it…wink, it’s not jinx, I promise. ☺

Photo Credit: Dreamstime