Busola Adedire: Are You the Needy Partner in Your Relationship?

Remember that one person you wanted so bad that they got you all giddy at the sound of the first hello on the other side of the phone. You like them, you crave them and that is not necessarily a bad thing but it gets to a point where a ‘seemingly beautiful’ thing can turn ugly for just one thing ‘neediness’. Neediness reminds me of an awfully scented perfume that could be perceived from miles away and then, everybody runs for cover. I preach the gospel of transparency every now and then, but the paradox of being human is that mystery attracts and a needy person is often too ‘familiar’.

While we cannot place ‘neediness’ on a scale to get its minimum and maximum thresholds, I reckon the moment you are more insecure than secure in a relationship… You may start acting out of neediness. Now, whether the reasons for your insecurities are valid or not… neediness DOES NOT look good on anyone! Yet, there is the question of how needy is too needy? While some lovers like occasional phone calls every now and then, some are turned off by it. While some lovers are not very good at text messaging, others might feel disrespected by a lack of acknowledgement, while some lovers are comfortable to add each other on ‘every’ social media account (Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat etc.), there are others who don’t like the sound of it. Whether or not following each other on social media accounts is the best thing for your relationship – that is another topic for another day.

These issues might seem trivial on the surface but it is often the beginning to the end of many great relationships out there. It’s quite tricky because it is often admirable to recognise what you want and go hard for it but on the other hand, very few people actually want to be with someone who will do ‘anything’ to have them. Neediness is a form of approval seeking behaviour that relinquishes all your power to the other person cue – ‘mumu button’. It is one thing to be humble and respectful, and another to be completely spineless and out of touch of your own needs. The latter is road to disaster.

Here are subtle signs that you might be operating from ‘neediness’ in a relationship.

You don’t spend alone time with your friends
Games night, Boys night, a girlie hang out! Never underestimate the role of ‘valuable’ friendships in breaching the connection gap you crave when needy. Keep your old friends or make new friends if you can. No matter who you are, and how much you like each other, you both need some time apart here and there as it is much better to have two whole independent people together than for one party to be needy and greedy of the other person’s time.

Get a job or find a hobby
An idle mind is a one way ticket to neediness and even the bible had iterated that ‘an idle mind is the devil’s workshop. You should aim to be so productive in your personal life that an unhealthy obsession over someone would be the last thing on your mind.

You are dominating their social media
One post here and there does not matter but what you don’t want is over the top comments and likes, and even worse is becoming a ‘monitoring spirit’. If you know you have ‘monitoring spirit tendencies’ stay away from having your significant other on your social media accounts as stalking their ‘online life’ can create unnecessary insecurities where there shouldn’t be any.

Making over the top gestures
While it is not a bad thing to spoil or pamper your significant other from time to time, there are times when gifts can become a little too extravagant and over the top. Although, some people want the shiny things of life and flashy lifestyles but I promise you… the right person doesn’t need a lot to be impressed. Once your motives come from a sincere place, you don’t need to break a bank or spend the money you don’t have to make someone love you. And perhaps you decide to choose the contrary, you don’t want love but approval.

I know many of us might have made desperate attempts for love in the past or even right now, feel free to add more signs of neediness and desperation in the comments section below. Let’s also humour ourselves, what was the most shameful thing you’ve ever done for love?