Atoke: 10 Sticky Things I Have To Deal with As a Four-Eyed Ninja!

Did you ever think wearing glasses was cool? You see someone wearing a really sexy pair of Prada glasses and you just wish you had a reason to buy yourself some equally fabulous frames? Well, I’m here to dispel some of the nice notions you might have about wearing glasses.

People who wear glasses are visually impaired! No they’re not cool, geeky or nerdy…this Elite group called the Four Eyes Squad, or OjuIgo United. And as much as we try to make pounded yam out of the dry new yams life has thrown at us, it’s interesting to see that people don’t really understand that it is a STRUGGLE!

So, I’ve put together a list of 10 well known, unfortunate circumstances that OjuIgos have to deal with.

Waking Up Blind
So you know how you wake up in the morning and think, “Ah, beautiful bright day”, we wake up, like poor dear old blind Bartimaeus to a blurry fog. For us it’s “Where my glasses at?”
In the morning, it’s a quick game of pad, pad, feel feel, Oh dear God I hope I didn’t roll over my glasses to figure out where you placed them. When you find them, hope that you don’t knock them over to the floor where you now actually look for them BLIND. This happened to me once in UniLag. My glasses fell into the bucket of water I’d been hoarding under my bed. The struggle to reach it… dearly beloved… it was not fun.

This brings me to the next struggle.

2. The NEED for more than one Pair
Look, glasses wearers don’t have any choice but to have more than one pair. See, it’s not an option. You must have at least two pairs because you have not known real distress until you lose your glasses or you accidentally sit on them, or someone steps on them. The PAIN is REAL, Brethren. It is REAL!
Now, we all know that a good pair of glasses aren’t exactly the cheapest thing. So knowing I needed spare glasses, I headed on to Marina, Lagos Island where I was told I’d get real nice ‘designer’ frames for ₦1,500. Little did I know that was the base line cost. There’s another cost for the actual lenses, and heaven help you if you need specialised lenses… ₦ / $ /£ Extra glasses means extra cash.

*weeps* I didn’t ask to be visually impaired!

The 3D Experience
You know there is a problem when your friends invite you to the movies and every time they start talking about the option of the 3D version you anticipate the awkwardness. It’s bad enough that you have to wear glasses, then you have to wear the 3D glasses on top of your regular glasses? Aww shucks! And it’s Triple D alright… and the movie ain’t even started!
We love technological advancements and all, but someone needs to invent something to cater to us. And before someone says “wear contact lenses”, you can’t wear those things all day everyday. So imagine what happens when you have an impromptu movie date on a day you’re not wearing your contacts. Or when everyone decides it’s the 3D version of Star Wars you guys should see!

Bummer!

Kissing
So, whilst in the area of the social struggles of a bespectacled person, we have to address the issue of kissing (and sex). You know how it’s so cute that nose brushes against nose? His face is right there, you can feel it… almost… not quite… because… yeah BLASTED GLASSES! So you angle your head this way, then that way, then you push your frames right up the bridge of your nose. If both of you are OjuIgos, it’s even worse.. kpam, kpam, kpam.

Danggit! Just take the thing off and kiss what you want to kiss jare! There’s no need to see, anyway. Feel baby… FEEL!

Sunglasses
I bought my first pair of contact lenses because I wanted to wear sunglasses. Ahn ahn…I was tired of not being the cool kid. I’m not even going to lie and say peer pressure didn’t get to me. I didn’t mind the scary idea of poking my eyeballs just to wear the lenses. At the end of it I was going to sha wear sunglasses and feel cool right? It was totally worth it.
Unless you get your prescription lenses fitted as transition lenses (photochromic) you and the glare of the sun will be battling who can shine eye more! And those specialised lenses are not cheap (see point 2)

Mascara Streaked Windshield
This applies to women! I swear I’m not being sexist, but can we just take a minute to rant about the maddening frustration that comes with wearing make up as an OjuIgo? No, seriously! The mascara leaves skid marks all over your glasses and your entire vision is altered by the black lines. (Especially when you have really long eyelashes)
Honestly, thinking about my make up, here are my regular concerns: will my eye shadow show? Will my eyebrows be popping above the rim of my glasses? Wait, I have to take my glasses off to wear the eye make up shey? That explains why I can never get my wing liner straight and on fleek! {Check out this piece by Jennifer Obiuvebi on make up tips for girls who rock glasses}

Going Swimming
Hmm… so you think wearing glasses is cool huh? Think again! I love going to swim, really I do. But I have to leave my glasses on the table beside the pool and then walk in a hazy line to the pool. Then you get inside the water and just allow nature glide you across. One time, I was feeling like a smart girl and I decided to wear my contacts to the pool.

Nobody told me about the Chlorine BURN!!!

In fact, let’s not talk about it again.

Weather Changes
Rain, Fog, Humidity, Snow, Harmattan Haze… See ehn… Fix it, Jesus! Just FIX IT! You’re going about your day and it starts raining. Or you’re in the cold, and you walk into a warm place… Hello Foggy!

I always wish I had little wipers on my face to clear that stuff up. If anyone has figured out how to see clearly when you’re wearing glasses in the rain, or the bathroom after a shower…please hit me up!

Babies
Oh babies! Those cute sometimes, not-so-cute little humans who like to touch, pull and grab everything in their reach.  I stopped carrying my friends’ babies after a near disaster with little Baby Lily yanking my glasses off my face and flinging it to the far end of the living room. I watched, heart in mouth, as my spectacles glided through the air. Luckily they didn’t break, but if they had broken… it might have ended in a fight. Abi how do you hold a baby liable for damages?

And speaking of fights, I’ll come to my final point…

You Can’t Separate Fights
See ehn, every wise glasses wearer knows that physical mediation of fight is a No-No. Do you want them to slap you and break your glasses while you’re forming separator? The fight might end but you’ll end up scrambling around on the floor looking for the broken fragments of your glasses. What shall it profit a man to try and separate fight and go home blind?

Wisdom is profitable to direct. Use your mouth to act as a mediator and stay far, far away from all forms of fighting.

Anyway, this list is by no means exhaustive. You only have to Google “Struggles of a Glasses Wearer” to see that the Internet is littered with all the issues we have to contend with.  I was going to go off on a rant about roller coasters and theme parks, but I’ll just let you guys share some of your struggles. This is our support group, guys!

So when you see someone wearing glasses, show them some love today.

Or buy them carrots! 🙂

P.S
I had this really fancy idea of doing a photo shoot to illustrate each point; but this article has been sitting in my draft for 3 weeks now. Yeah, procrastination is a female-dog. I really, really wanted to do it for you guys… but it’s the thought that counts right?

Peace, love &… oh wait… we ended that!