Busola Idowu: After the Chase… Ctrl + Shift

In some relationships especially after marriage there is a certain shift in behaviour. Lemme try to explain. You know how the guy is all in and dedicated to wooing the girl and trying to convince her to enter into a relationship with him? He does all he can to satisfy her every need. Before she even sneezes he’s there with a hanky. He wipes her sweaty face, loves her disheveled look etc. He goes to great lengths to spend time with her. He promises heaven on earth (and almost delivers.) He’s so dedicated to effective communication which includes constantly calling to check up and in fact keeping her apprised of his every move (at lunch with friends, business meetings with clients etc).

All of a sudden when she agrees to date him or even get married, the tables turn. She becomes the one making all the calls, checking up on him, finding out his every move etc. He begins to describe her as a monitoring spirit i.e. she doesn’t give him space, she’s too clingy.

Why does this happen exactly? Is it as the saying goes, ‘the thrill is in the chase?’ Countless examples abound.

Before Moji and Dan got married, he worshipped the very ground she walked on (truly). Every known love epithet was the description of their story. And he made sure everyone knew about it. Their relationship was definitely worth emulating. They hung out together, watched soccer at viewing centres, went clubbing, to church, weddings, shows and every conceivable occasion together. Well, that was until they got married and he steadily reversed his prior strong points. He would call to ‘inform’ her that he was hanging out with the boys after work or that they going to watch a match. Even weekends were not spared, suddenly he was attending that colleague’s wedding with the guys from the office and she was not invited.

I was totally confused as to why a guy who wanted to spend every waking moment with his girlfriend was suddenly feeling too cooped up after the marriage and now wanted every spare moment away from her.

In fact, she was now the one chasing him upandan the country. Sometimes, if she didn’t call him the whole work day, she could be sure that he also wouldn’t too (the same guy who would call her at least thrice at work each day). And in her defence, she was just too used to the consistent information sharing that going cold turkey led to a huge change in their relationship dynamics.

I mean isn’t this a pure case of ‘see finish’? He had attained and claimed the prize (her) and had become complacent and over-confident in her love and devotion to him. He was so sure that she wasn’t going anywhere and this informed, in my opinion, his very laid back approach to communication.

I know quite a number of guys fall in this category and maybe even some ladies but we all need to understand that the chase does not should not end only because we are now married. In every relationship, there is a need to create a balance. In as much as it is important to maintain individual freedom to do as you please (me-time), there’s still a place for constantly keeping in touch. It makes your partner feel good when there’s prior information of movements and also inclusion in different activities not just the usual ‘couple-stuff’.

Marriage is as much hard work as any other endeavour you undertake in life and it requires just as much attention and dedication to making it work.

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