The Journey to ‘I Am’ with Tolu Falode: Why She Decided To Leave

She wandered around her thoughts roaming for words trying to explain the pain she felt inside. But she could not find a language that spoke in a tone he could understand-despite the many forms and features she presented to try and make him realize-she was not the same-she could no longer hide.

She could no longer pretend this was a house that did not host lies. She could no longer smile when she felt tears dot her eyes, she could no longer laugh when a scream was hidden inside.

She had tried to play that game out of her love-because she thought those were the words that could show him she was enough. But then she realized, each time she gave a piece of herself in exchange for a pure desire, he polluted her attempts with his lies-thinking she could not see, thinking she was blind. He misunderstood the power she represented when she chose to sacrifice. He misunderstood her different shades and hues of commitment that manifested in each try. He could not read the conversations that dwelt behind her smiles. But this was mostly because he had stopped paying attention to her desperate cries. He could not see when she spoke, he could not hear when she moved, he no longer cared and that was when she knew-she needed to make a decision to move. Either stay here locked in his strange conception of unity, or trade this game for some actual certainty.

And so she debated and pondered while he wasted away in his distractions, completely oblivious of her position, failing to see what was coated in her communications-no he could no longer hear her cry, he could not even feel her smile. He failed to realize, she understood the distance that was contained in his eyes-he failed to realize, he could not hide the truth behind such desperate words that contained infected excuses hurriedly packaged in an attempt to heal her bruises.

But no, they did not serve that purpose-they only managed to purge the demonic desire she had once hosted for his features-the feelings she was once convinced were a product of an actual connection, were revealed through his distractions as being manifestations of an illusion. The mask no longer suited the picture- of future years spent together in fruition, of tiny toddlers produced in affection, of a family built on a solid foundation-she realized through his continuous clumsiness, his lack of direction, his delayed distractions that seemed to intrude on these particular conversations-that she had once believed a mask, that was not really the man behind the illusion. She had given into an idea that never existed because her heart had run ahead in elation. But when she followed the clues contained in his inattention she stumbled on an unexpected realization-it was all a distortion.

She had once thought, she had found the right person to share her conversations, her thoughts, her words and even her dreams-a companion to live her life with. That was the presentation he had deceived her with. And that is how so many get trapped in the picture-drunk on a deluded nightmare-they never wake up to face the true prescription: a dose of distance, a dash of displaced communication, an agenda to forget whatever once was because it was all a mirage of masked manifestations. But not everyone is strong enough to remedy themselves with this particular medication. It requires a purging, that must survive a heart’s confused attempts to resurrect figments of a fake connection.

Some delay the prescription, and deteriorate slowly, limping through a diseased relation-failing to understand that the remedy for direction requires a strong willed decision to move forward from this ridiculous display of defeat that was only masked through pretentious glances, maybe a once in a while genuine synergy that failed to manifest into an everyday reality.

So when she smiled, and he laughed, when their words no longer elapsed into the same waves, the same movements to show an ocean of commitment, she decided to make the decision-to face forward, to stop looking back in trying to fix what was never really had. She realized, she had fallen in love with an illusion, that had masqueraded attention with false promises of dedication, but the reality, was nothing like the picture-somehow it seemed to get lost in translation-colours that were painted in hope led to a heart filled with pain, conversations that had started in expectation, led to more tears than laughter in her domain.

And so she decided to walk away-something in her being resisted the idea of being contained strictly in a cage-used only when desired and then tossed away. No she did not fit into that picture. Something in her spirit resisted the thought of having such a nature. She did not quite know what it was-but she connected with its intuition-a murmur that grew stronger in bringing forth realizations by fighting against such restrictions; she could no longer ignore-how his words produced wounds in her thoughts-she could no longer sacrifice her identity to appease his masculinity. Her femininity refused to continue to hide behind society’s lies that seemed to have made women believe-that men always cheat, or even that relationships are just conversations layered with deceit, no-something in her rang that there was a truth that needed to be released-not suffocated in this playhouse of pretend reality.

And so she decided to leave-because a woman is not made to be used as a net of release: to frustration, and selfish inattention, and one-way conversations. She is a person, she wants to receive what she gives: somewhere she can grow and nurture and be loved in unity. Somewhere she blooms; not withers with defeat-somewhere her heart is not exposed to so many repetitive acts of deceit-a dark hole that nearly swallowed her being; draining her worth till she lost herself from within.

In summary, she decided to leave because you gave her chaos, when all she wanted was peace-actions manifested to show consistency. Acts that displayed affection in protecting a genuine connection. Women leave for many different reasons but this is one of those many in that generous shelf of diversity-a lack of appreciation, of devaluation contained in consistent distractions.

In one sentence it is this: she finally chose herself, over your selfish needs.

Watch – Healing from Hurt