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Tope Damilola: This is Why Getting Married May Be an Accomplishment

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dreamstime_l_31638101Getting married is not an accomplishment‘ is the title of a post I recently read on Huffington Post. {Click here to read it} The mantra is growing in popularity as an offshoot of the call for equality and women empowerment. I share that opinion too to a large extent. But while I started the article bobbing my head up and down, I slowed a little as I read on.

The writer’s frustration was that getting engaged is still more celebrated than academic and professional pursuits of women. I do not disagree with this. Neither do I argue that she does not see marriage as a huge event. She does. I also appreciate how she says that accomplishment in marriage should be related to weathering the storm of life together and contradicting societal acceptance of divorce as an answer to tough issues.

So while I am not completely opposing all her views, these are some thoughts the article kindled in me.

I think we focus too much on how frustrating it is that women are being celebrated more for their relationship successes than other achievements. What about the men? Is it right that they should see these other achievements as more important than relationships, family and love? An engagement involves two people. What gives the impression to people that the man is not as happy or even happier to be engaged? Having the woman in his world is probably and should be the best thing he’s done on this side of life. Why then is the woman congratulated more? I would say that rather than reduce our attention to congratulating a woman for getting engaged, we should increase our show of joy for the man’s good fortune.

Furthermore, I think women have a high tendency to be self-conscious about these things. So it is both societal behaviour and the innate awareness that people would rather celebrate your engagement than a career accomplishment but would celebrate a man’s career accomplishment more than his engagement. Most women expect it and if you look hard enough for something, you will find it.

Young women also have a tendency to show off their relationships more than they do their career or academic accomplishments. Correct me if I am wrong, but have a look at the social media world alone and you will see this. We can argue that they are only protecting themselves from being called ‘too ambitious’. But if we want things to be different, we must break out of that conditioning. People will usually only celebrate what they know and what they think you consider as important. If a woman decides to keep mum about her promotion while showcasing her diamond bling, we can’t blame people for paying more attention to that.

As humans, we are prone to celebrating rare events in someone’s lifetime. Getting married is one of them. Now if we are accepting sporadic marriages and quick divorces when unhappy, as the new norm, it will be a different scenario. If the more permanent feature in life is career and academic accomplishments, we really should pay more attention to that. Please notice that I haven’t mentioned impacting lives, that should be a given be it through marriage or career. The truth remains that we still consider getting married as a once in a lifetime event. It should be celebrated as such.

Another point to note is that professional and academic successes are dependent on hard work, commitment and perseverance and these deserve to be celebrated. But saying that getting married is just a question of finding someone willing to marry you makes it sound trivial, which to me, marriage isn’t. Approaching marriage with that mind-set should be counted as one of the reasons for the increase in marital woes. The fact from what we see today is that it may be easier for young women to study hard, work hard, play office politics and maintain a business than succeed in a relationship. It is true that societal expectations are changing for women. We have women as leaders in different industries and in governance. Meeting a life partner and making that big decision on marriage is also quite important, if not more.

Let me quickly note here that getting married is not compulsory, but having meaningful relationships to share joyful and sad moments is important. No one is a loner. People yearn for that connection and this may be the reason why they can hardly resist celebrating with extra pomp when you ‘achieve’ a milestone with someone you love.

On a personal note, I have a vision. I have big dreams. I have the courage to surpass fears and achieve big things. I’ll like to have friends and family celebrate my career growth, my academic accomplishments, and my promotions. I want them to throw me parties. And when I get engaged, I want them to fawn over me and the man who I’ve decided to spend the rest of my life with. But in the end, after or before or without all the celebrations, I just want to be alone with him, sharing the joy and all other feelings that come with everything and be happy that I have him in my life. Now this is my choice.

I still don’t believe that women should place marriage as the ultimate goal. A happy life where we are fulfilled in career, marriage, friendships and other aspects of life that we choose to explore should be the subject of our day to day planning and living. But refusing to see getting married as a major milestone (a synonym for accomplishment) for both a woman and a man will be like running in circles.

Finally, shine a light on all the wonderful things that make up your life. People will celebrate what you show them is important to you.

Photo Credit: Dreamstime

Tope Damilola is a content strategist, social contributor and curator of life experiences, both personal and perceived. She loves God, family, friends, books, simple crazy ideas and the pursuit of a greater Nigeria. Follow her thoughts on www.otdamilola.com; on Twitter: @otdamilola; on Instagram @o.tdamilola

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