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Atoke: Going to America to Have Your Baby! Where Will You Stay?

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AtokeSo you’re pregnant and you’ve decided you want to go have your baby in the United States. You’re excited about the decision you’ve made – a chance for your new child to be a United States citizen. Maybe it’s for better health care, maybe it’s to keep up with the Joneses, maybe it’s so that the child won’t have to queue for visa for hours under the sun at Walter Carrington – it doesn’t matter. For whatever reason, you’ve decided that this new child is going to be born in the US. So now it’s time to plan.

Fifty states! That’s a whole wide area to choose from. As Nigerians, our first instinct is “where do we know someone?” Houston, Texas; Atlanta, Georgia; Baltimore, Maryland Anywhere in the DMV sef You remember there’s one nice cousin in Detroit, Michigan… ah but it’s too cold! We will meet at Jesus’ feet please. I can’t come and die.

After you’ve narrowed down where you want to go, based on the places where you have family and friends, then it’s time to look for a hospital and a doctor. For first timers, they rely heavily on their people ‘on ground’ to do the research. So, is the hospital affordable? Are the doctors good? Since we’re coming from Nigeria, the standards we’re working with are Reddington, Lagoon, LASUTH, LUTH, e.tc so, we really have to rely on reviews from friends, and family. {I strongly recommend Nairaland for this kind of thing. Those people have stories and experiences!}

And then the final question: where will you stay? It’s not as if the trip to the States and the birthing process is a weekend trip. It will usually require a minimum of three months visit, and this is where the issue comes.

Staying with people when you go to have a baby is something that has caused a lot of friction in relationships. From the side of the expectant mother, to the hosts… horrible stories abound. From the expectation to drive to and from the hospital, to the over population of the host’s house for naming, to accusations of lack of care… one wonders why people still bother with this living arrangement. Sometimes it works out well, other times it just ends so badly that neither party recovers well from it.

My cousin told me the story of a lady who came to have a baby in her house. She was fine with the arrangement, but didn’t realise the expectant mother was coming with a toddler. The toddler was reportedly very unruly and constantly destroying things in the house. The expectant mother was too pregnant and too tired to caution the child. It was a disaster.

Coming home filled my cousin with dread. She would be driving home after a long 12-hour shift, knowing that something would have been broken or spoilt in her house. Morning sleep after night shift was a problem because of the screaming child. “Never again” she said.

If you’re going to have a baby in the US, and you have kids, please consider where you’ll keep the kids. Find out if the house you’re going is toddler-friendly. Make plans to keep your child engaged and entertained for the three months you’re going to be in someone’s house.

Next issue for consideration is transportation. As an expectant mother, you’ll have doctors appointments, and hospital visits. You’ll also want to visit a few places and see people while you’re in the US. Make adequate arrangements, and ensure you find out about the transport situation in the city you’re going. For instance, public transportation in Houston, Texas is a right mess! It’s drive or die! Seriously, there’s hardly any footpaths for pedestrians. If car jam you, na you know!

My aunty said whenever anybody says they want to come and stay in her house to have a baby, she always readily says NO. “E ma binu, but Katy l’an gbe” {Please don’t be mad. We live in Katy} She said that given her work schedule, there’s no way she can drive anybody back and forth to doctors appointments. In her experience, there’s an expectation that she’ll have to drive the expectant mother around and “ain’t nobody gat time for that”

Find out about the taxi and Uber options; put some money aside to take into consideration transportation costs. Find out about car rentals and if you have to get an international drivers licence. Save yourself the stress and keep your relationships. Don’t let your friendship spoil because you went to have a baby.

Next on the list of things to consider is your guests. Yes, we’re Nigerians… we’re people magnets, and we like party. There’s no bigger reason to gather people together than the birth of a baby. Weddings too! But that’s not why we’re here As a guest in someone’s house, you should not take it for granted that you’re allowed to have guests. Not everybody likes heavy footfall in their homes – especially Nigerians who have been abroad for a long time. Please don’t assume that because you had your baby while staying in someone’s house, it’s okay to host a naming ceremony party there. Dearly beloved, this thing has caused fight in so many families! Let us just avoid it.

Have a conversation with your host about whether people can come visit you, whether your husband can come from Nigeria with his mom. Ask direct questions and do not assume anything. My brother always says “assumption is the mother of all failure”. I don’t know where he heard that one; but it applies in this case. Have a conversation with your host: Is it okay if we have the naming ceremony here? How many people can we invite? Is it okay to do the cooking here? Is it okay for my sister-in-law to sleep over after the naming ceremony?

Ask questions. Receive express permission. Please don’t assume that because you brought a box of Indomie and Danshiki from Akerele for your host, it’s now okay for you to spread leg and do Ikomo.
In fact, to avoid any glitches, share the name of your child to those who matter via the phone or social media. However, if you absolutely have to have a naming ceremony, just wait until you get back to your domicile – where you’re paying rent or mortgage.

Living with anybody is not the easiest thing. {I wrote about being a guest people hate here} In fact if you can avoid it, please do. However, if all your money has gone towards flight ticket to America, and hospital bill, try and find the least intrusive way to stay with someone. In fact, set some money aside for living expenses. It’s almost as important as the hospital bill sef.

Otherwise, just stay in your own house jeje and have your baby in Nigeria. Your child will still have a chance at success. I was sha born in LUTH.

You probably wanna read a fancy bio? But first things first! Atoke published a book titled, +234 - An Awkward Guide to Being Nigerian. It's available on Amazon. ;)  Also available at Roving Heights bookstore. Okay, let's go on to the bio: With a Masters degree in Creative Writing from Swansea University, Atoke hopes to be known as more than just a retired foodie and a FitFam adherent. She can be reached for speechwriting, copywriting, letter writing, script writing, ghost writing  and book reviews by email – [email protected]. She tweets with the handle @atoke_ | Check out her Instagram page @atoke_ and visit her website atoke.com for more information.

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