BN Single Parent Pod: For this Mother of 2, It Has Been a Really Bumpy Ride, But She Remains Optimistic

Earlier in the year, we made a call for BellaNaijarians to send in their stories about single parenting and their experiences. {Click here if you missed it} Today, we’re sharing our very first BN Single Parent Pod story.

Shola**** (36) is a single mother of 2 children – 9 and 7 years respectively. Shola separated from her ex because of domestic violence.  When Shola first contacted us, she gave us a brief introduction into her life. She noted that she got married in 2007 and had to deal with her husband’s infidelity in the first year of their marriage.

“I endured for a year but later I confronted him instead of him to explain himself. He started beating me. He didn’t give me a penny for upkeep in the house. He starved me a lot. He’d come home very late and wouldn’t stay at home – even on Sundays. He forced me to stop working because he said a Muslim wife does not work and I might have a concubine at my place of work. When the pressure to much on me. I called my parents to rescue me. Every month my mum will send upkeep to me to feed myself and my baby.

One day he saw a bank alert on my phone which was sent from my mother for my upkeep and I went to d bank to withdraw it. Immediately I got home he seized it from me, telling me I have told my parents all what has been happening between us.

In 2009, I could not endure this  attitude, I decided to run for my life. I walked away from the marriage with my two kids.

In 2011, I contacted him to take responsibility of the children but he told me, since I walked away from the marriage I have walked away with my kids as well – that he has nothing to do with us. He also said if hunger finishes me, I will run back to him.

In 2012, I got a job but the following month I lost the job because I’d not been coming regularly to work. My boy always fell sick all d time and I’ve been the only one taking care of them. Since that year, I haven’t had a stable job. It’s off and on all the time.

Jan 2016, my boy had convulsion but I thought it was the normal convulsion that is called ile tutu. I was advise d to go to all these herbal people to do agbo ile tutu; but the convulsion was becoming too much‎ and unbearable.

So I had to take him to the hospital. He was referred to UCH Ibadan, that is when they discovered he had convulsive Seizures. Immediately, they give me a note that he has to do EEG test. With the grace of God I ran around for the money, with the help of my mum and friends I was able to pay for the test which cost me 30,000 Naira excluding other expenses.

I contacted my ex about this issue through WhatsApp but immediately the message was delivered and read, he blocked me on Whatsapp till date.

Today June 2016, my boy is still on drugs. His neurologist told me he will be on drugs for years because, the brain is a soft tissue‎ and it will take some time to cure.”

Read our Q&A with her below.
****

Please tell us about yourself
I’m the 2nd child out the family of 4. I’m the 1st daughter. I’m a very loving and caring person. I obtained a National Diploma (ND) in Mass Communication at Lagos State Polytechnic, Isolo campus in 2006. I have worked in several companies as a front desk officer.

Can you describe how you felt when you found out you were going to be a parent?
Being a parent is the most wonderful thing in the world. I was so happy seeing myself as a mother of my kids.

How did you explain the situation of single parenting to your children?
I will definitely explain to my children when the time is right. Now, they’re still too young to understand life.

Please tell us some of the most difficult parts of single parenting?
The most difficult part for me is not being financially buoyant to cater for the children’s needs. There’s also the emotional stress of taking care of them alone.

Please share some of your most exciting experiences as a single parent
The most exciting part of it is when you see your children laughing and playing around you. Having them disturb me alone is a joy itself. I enjoy taking them for outings to the amusement parks and also birthday parties.

Do your kids have a good relationship with the other parent & their family?
Yes, my kids have a good relationship with their father and his family.

How do you resolve conflicts (if any) that arise from issues regarding co-parenting?
I resolve issues within myself; but if anything comes up that’s beyond my capacity, I tell my mother and ask for her advice.

Do you make any efforts to ensure your children have a relationship with the other parent?
Yes, in spite of the fact that I have no relationship with my Ex, I make sure the kids are available any time he wants to speak to them or even see them

How do you deal with the issues that arise from trying to date or get into a new relationship?
I deal with the issues within myself and my partner

How/when did you introduce your children to your new (intending) partner?
The first day my new partner came to visit me, I introduced my kids to him. My kids are still very young.

What support system do you have to help you get through when things get tough?
The only support I have been getting is from my parents – especially my mother.

What advice would you give someone in this situation?
I’d advise the person to be prayerful and not let his or her situation weigh her down. Whatever happens, the person should pick up the pieces and move on. Where there is life, there is hope.

This year will be the 7th year I separated from my ex. Today, I thank God for everything, and for the life of my kids. Thank God that I am still alive and the struggle still continues.

_____

**** Not her real name

Stories like Shola’s own is one of the reason why we decided to start this segment.  It is our hope that we’ll be able to provide help, support and succour to single parents.

We hope single Dads and Mums, as well as products of single parenting will share their stories with us.

Photo Credit: Dreamstime