Iniobong Umoh: Are You a Fine Girl?

It is an open secret. Many are aware of it, many are not aware. Some practice it consciously, while some do so unconsciously. It is a way of life, it is an attitude. The concept of fine girlism has been imbibed by many Nigerian girls. Yemi Alade croons in Pepper dem; “To be fine girl no be beans”, it is not easy to be a fine girl. Everybody likes fine girls. I am a guy and I like fine girls- the drop dead gorgeous ones. In-fact, one can say that fine girls rule the world.

‘Fine’ is an adjective and in this piece, ’fine’ refers to physical beauty; comprising of the facial and body features. You enroll into the school of fine girlism by birth. The sole criteria for enrollment is the possession of a fine or pretty face/body. A fine girl is a female between the ages of 1-60 years. Yes, a 60 year old granny can still be a fine girl because age is just a number.

However if a girl does not have a natural fine face, she can still enroll in to the fine girlism school of thought by transforming her not-so-fine face to a fine one, even if it means undergoing plastic surgery.

Have you ever seen a fine Nigerian girl? Her eyebrows are always arched, her nose is pointed, her lips are pink and soft, her eyes are bright and sparkling, her complexion is creamy. Her mammalian glands are full and firm, they are not flat and do not adopt an Olympus has fallen posture. The fine girl is slim and not fat. Even if she is plump by nature, she tries to maintain a slim body shape by losing and watching her weight.

Fine girls use make up on their faces to accentuate their looks. They apply all kinds of facial treatments to have a flawless skin. In-fact, a fine girl’s face must not have any iota of pimples or eczema. If you call yourself a fine girl and your face is littered with blackheads and spots, you are not a fine girl and you should be expelled from the school of fine girlism.

Having a flawless face is sacrosanct because your face is the first thing that people notice about you. It is your face that would make HarrySong to start singing; “Fine geh, better pikin e be like say you sabi the thing, fine geh!”

The concept of Fine girlism frowns upon having an obese body shape. Your fine girlism is enhanced if you have a tall intimidating height that make people look up to you. If you are short or almost dwarfish, you have to find a way of adding artificial inches to your height. This can be done by wearing high heels and prancing around everywhere so that people can notice you.

A fine girl cannot afford to wear ugly clothes. It is an aberration. Your outfit must be gorgeous in conformity with your fine face. You can’t afford to wear old and clownish looking dresses. You must wear the latest outfits. They must be trendy and sexy. A fine girl only wears designers materials bought from the top brand fashion stores. Your accessories must follow similar fashion. Your necklaces, earrings, bags, rings, shoes etc must be classy and expensive.

Fine girlism is a lifestyle which must be reflected in all your endeavours and choices; the places you live in, the places you go to, the things you buy, the way you speak etc. You cannot afford to disgrace the school of fine girlism by acting otherwise. As a fine Nigerian girl, you are expected to speak in American and Britico accent always-never mind if you have never crossed Cotonou border in your life. If you must speak in your indigenous language, it must be at home and to very few close family members and friends who would not reveal your secret.

You would be expelled from the school of fine girlism if you are caught eating eba, akpu, foo-foo, kunu, egusi, okra, ikokore, abacha nla, cocoyam, usung ikpong, soaking garri & groundnut and other local dishes. You must eat pizza, sharwama, cake, drink canned fruit juices, champagne, and a whole lot of other intercontinental dishes.

A central foundation of Fine Girlism is the attitude of Shakara. Shakara as defined by the league of frustrated lover boys is simply “forming”. Forming is the pretentious air that fine girls put up everywhere they go. Fine girls walk with a distinctive style that seem to make their legs not to touch the ground; a sort of ethereal floating footstep.

Fine girls do not respond to cat calls and toasting by the opposite sex. They pretend not to hear when they are being called. As a fine girl, you must ignore the many chykers who would be vying to get your attention. Just continue walking with your head held high. If they abuse you for not granting them audience, you must not respond, just move on…they can only see, they can’t debe, apologies to Helen Paul.

However as a fine girl, you must ensure that you have chykers appealing to you every day. If you go out on a day and you don’t have lovesick men asking you out, it means your fine girlism quotient is declining. So, if you have to hire men to stand at strategic positions in the road to chyke you, please do so, because fine girlism is a way of life.

Pay no attention to those who criticize or point out your character flaws to you, they are haters. They do not know that the possession of a good character is not a criteria for a fine girl like you.

As a fine girl, you are expected to have a legion of suitors and admirers willing to spend money on you. You must be able to put them on a leash and make them pay for your materials needs, while giving them the encouragement and hope that you would one day say, ‘Yes’ to them and date them if they only they can ‘spoil’ you harder with gifts and favours. This is a vital skill that every fine girl must master.

The concept of fine girlism frowns upon you using public transportation when your car owner boyfriends/manfriends can give you a ride to wherever you want to go to. If you have not sat on the front seat of fifty different cars since this year began, your fine girlism is shaky.

The school of fine girlism does not place premium value on intellectualism. Fine girls can always get what they want without having to use their brains. Fine girls do not struggle for jobs after school. They get the jobs ahead of their male counterparts. So if you are in the university, reading and studying shouldn’t be your concern, because with just a wink of your eye, all your male lecturers would fall under the spell of your fine girlism and dash you ‘A’ grades.

If you are naturally brilliant, good for you! However, if intelligence is as far as the East is from the West in your case, flee from all places or circumstances where premium value is placed on intelligence.

You know, there are certain people in the world who do not like fine girls, they do not subscribe to the school of fine girlism. Don’t mind these people who do not know that fine girlism is all what matters in the world, they think everything in the world should be about books and complex theories, avoid them!

Do not go to anywhere where you would be asked to give a speech, answer a question or contribute your idea towards an issue or subject matter, because when you would be called upon to say something, your mind would be as blank as an empty bottle.

Can you imagine their reaction when they notice that a fine girl like you cannot give a simple answer to a simple question?

Can you imagine the look on their faces when they realize that you cannot spoke good English? That would be a humiliation for you and may even earn you a dismissal from the school of Fine Girlism for bringing the name of the institution to disrepute.

So my fine girl, do your thing; don’t mind the haters because to be fine girl no be beans.

Photo Credit: Dreamstime