Mina Martins: Love is Not Supposed to Break You or Belittle You

” You’re an adult now. You know the world’s an ambiguous place. You know that love doesn’t conquer all. It conquers some stuff. The other stuff kicks the living crap out of love.”

(Richard Webber: Greys Anatomy: Season 9. Ep. 09)

These words sound straightforward and simple until it becomes apparent that a lot of people are holding on to something broken simply because they are in love.

Honestly, I get it. A few years ago, I had that passionate, mind-numbingly extreme kind of love. Let’s call him M. When things were great, things were AMAZINGLY great. There was passion and love and lust. M and I had that great sexual chemistry you only see in movies and we had such connection that it literally felt that I could not live without him.

The problem was when things got bad. During those times, the fiery passion became burning rage. We lashed out during arguments. We said insulting, rude and downright degrading stuff to each other. We broke things and yelled until our voices gave out. I think we broke up and made up 30 times in the three years we were ‘together’.  It was that toxic and that unhealthy. But yeah, we got back together, because, love.

We thought this was what love was supposed to be like. We had watched the movies, followed the series, seen the music videos that depicted this passionate, crazy, intense kind of love and we thought we had that. We ignored the fact that with each fight, resentment built. With each make up session, we trusted each other a little less.

I remember one time, during one of our fights, M and I did the ‘break up’ thing. A couple of days after,  I called up an ex and went over to spend the night, out of spite, I guess. The next morning, I gave M a call, using this guy’s phone. M asked where I was and whose phone was it. I acted all coy, made sure he had the guy’s voice through the line and hung up.  The day after, M picked up some chick and did the same to me. Yes, we were that dysfunctional. And yes, we did make up. Again, because, love.

After a couple of years with him, I started to think about forever and I had a rethink of what I want. Would I want this man for a husband? Would I want him to be the father of my child? Would I want my kids to grow up witnessing mummy and daddy throwing things and lashing out every Tuesday? Is this what love is? Angry? Rude? Verbally abusive? Unfaithful? Distrustful? Jealous? Unsure?

I did eventually break up with M. And the relationship between myself and the man I married today is far different from what M and I had.

Sure, there were no sparks when we kissed, clouds did not part when we made love, chemistry was great, but not so intense that I lose my breath, but we had mutual respect. We loved each other a great deal and we will do anything for each other. Our fights are calm and our heated words still had kindness underneath them.

We had something bigger than love, and I eventually learned that those other things are what will keep you together for the long haul.

Love is not supposed to break you or belittle you. Searching for the love of your life is not as simple as looking out for butterflies in your tummy and sexual chemistry. It not simply about finding a partner for yourself, it is about finding someone willing to build a life with you and raise your children. You are giving a whole lot up when you blend your life with someone else, you have to make sure you are getting so much more in return. You should have things in common. There should be friendship, fun, laughter, kindness and respect. There should also be understanding, tolerance and patience. All these last so much longer than the butterflies and the candle-lit dinners. Your sexual aftermath conversations should be deeper than the actual sex connection. Because 30, 40, 50 years from now, when the butterflies are dead and the sexual longing is gone, you want to still be excited by your partner for the other stuff. The real stuff.

Sure, passionate movie love is great, but when you are talking forever, a tame fire that shines a little brighter every once in a while, is so much stronger than an out-of-control fire that can get you both burned and destroy all that you are.

I will leave this quote from below;

Olivia: I don’t want normal, and easy, and simple. I want..
Edison: What? What do you want, Olivia?
Olivia: I want painful, difficult, devastating, life-changing, extraordinary love. Don’t you want that, too?
Edison: Love is not supposed to be painful or devastating. Love isn’t supposed to hurt, Liv.

(Scandal. Season 2, Ep 13)

Honestly, I agree with Edison, but that’s just me.

Photo Credit: Dreamstime