HaroldWrites: Planning For A Break-Up Whilst In A Loving Relationship

We all get into relationships for different reasons. It does not matter what reasons we do; as long as our reasons for doing so are not criminal, then they are valid. I once had a conversation with a friend who was of the opinion that people who condemn an extravagant and financially demanding female partner and label her a gold digger, are wrong. According to my friend, she might be zapping all your finances and all that, but negatively labelling her for her actions, is just plain wrong. The thing is, he argued, we are moulded by our past experiences. Whatever childhood experience she had, made her who she is – made her the woman you met and decided to go out with. She should not be crucified for her past life experiences.  If you cannot continue to accommodate her excesses, you can take the next exit door.

Whether my friend is right or wrong is not the purport of this article; but one thing I take from my friend’s submission is that, a relationship is a union of two different people with diverse backgrounds and experiences coming together to forge ahead as one. And with this union of two opposites, it is inevitable that, there would be friction and discontentment at different times. What you do with such friction and discontentment will definitely make or mar you. It could make you happier; it could make you sadder. Whilst some people are quick to bolt out of the relationship, others stay to weather the storm, hoping that, the dissatisfaction will pass – that the situation will improve for the better.

There is no hard and fast rule about which option is best. Either option could work or fail. But the poser sought to be set by this article is, how do you handle a situation where you have fallen head over heels for the other person whose excesses are draining you? A situation where you are so deeply in love with this person whose negatives don’t sit well with you? The key phrases here are “deeply in love” and “sit well with you”.

This thing called love could be a beautiful thing. It could also be a very terrible thing. When you truly love somebody, you are expected to accept all of their flaws. Unconditionally. At least, this is what the books tell us. But the reality is, you are human and you can feel pain. How long should you continue to be in a relationship with a person whose flaws hurt you? I know it is easy to retort “get out of the relationship for your sake”! This would be the easiest thing to do, but it is not always the most gratifying. At least, not immediately, if at all. There are times when you are too deeply in love with a person that, the thought of you guys separating leaves you shattered. It is just unthinkable. Your whole life revolves around them. They are the air you breath. The sunlight in your day. The stars in your dark skies. You have made sacrifices to be with them. You have cut friendship and even family ties for their sake. You have even made enemies because of them. You just cannot see your future without them in it. To emphasize how vulnerable you are to them, the little times you guys had a fight in the past, it wrecked your soul. Your days were disorganized. You lost focus on simple tasks. You just could not stop thinking of them. You only became your composed and organized self when you guys settled your rift and resumed your loving relationship. This is your reality.

I hate to be the harbinger of bad news, but if you are in such a relationship, my advice to you is you should start opening up yourself to the possibility that, both of you may not have that beautiful future together you have always dreamed of. You should be prepared for a potential break up, without necessarily expecting the break up to materialize or initiating same. Why? Because we are humans. And humans are fickle-minded. We change. One day, this your loving partner could walk up to you and say they don’t want you anymore. It is possible. And their reason for leaving you will also be as valid as the reason they decided to date you in the first place. Have you heard of marriages of fifteen years with three kids in between, and one day, one partner says they don’t love the other anymore? It happens. That is life.

No one owes you anything in this life. The earlier you started living your life with this at the back of your mind, the easier life becomes. Expect nothing of anyone, and you will never be disappointed. It is said that, we all came into the world alone and we shall leave alone. If this is a truism, then why get ourselves overly attached to another human like us? If you find yourself too attached to another human, it is high time you started weaning yourself of them for your sake. I am not asking you to emotionally detach yourself from them. This would be counterproductive to the notion of love. You have to be emotionally in sync with your partner to be able to feel what they feel. But true love is not all about emotions. You need your head as well. You need your head to tell you when to feel and how to feel. You need your head to guard your heart. Love wisely. Love without losing yourself. So that the day they look you in the eyes and say they want no more of you (which is a possibility because they are humans and shit happens), you could look yourself in the mirror and say, “at least, I was not taken off guard”. Trust me, the heartbreak will hurt much more less.

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