Mina Martins: When Yes Means No – Coercive Sex Is A Form Of Rape & It Is Just As Wrong

A couple of weeks ago, I got a mail from this young wife, let’s call her Esther. Esther was worried about her married sex life. She explained that within the two years she has been married, things have gone completely downhill in the bedroom. We talked at length, and I tried to pinpoint exactly where the problem lied.

According to what she told me, on the surface, everything seemed fine. They were intimate at least once a week. She does not believe he had been unfaithful. He seemed to be happy with their sex life overall, so what then was the problem?

After much prodding and encouragement, she finally opened up that the main problem was how she felt after they had been intimate. She explained that she got no joy or pleasure from being with him, there was no aftermath bonding and mostly, she just felt empty. She added that she felt depressed and ashamed. She felt insecure and also the desire to immediately forget that that just happened.

This sounded very odd to me. Who feels that way after being with their spouse? The description sounded exactly like what a sexually assaulted woman would say. I asked her if he forced her, she replied vehemently with “of course, not!” So, the sex was consensual, but she was feeling ‘used’ (her words). I then wanted to know what would happen if she said ‘no’. She told me he was not a violent person, but he had this habit of sulking, giving her the silent treatment and freezing her out whenever she said she was not interested. She then added, “How can I refuse? If I do, he will simply go to another woman to get what he wants.” Esther went on to say her husband had once reminded her that it was her obligation as a woman to bend over whenever he needed what he needed.

In a culture where everyone is finally speaking out about sexual assault and molestation, is there a voice for a woman who is being assaulted with consent? Where did women like Esther stand? I mean, she was not dealing with a violent rapist. Heck, she could not even accuse her husband of rape, but she will spend her married years having consensual sex that made her feel small, dejected and used.

Of course, one can ask “was there no time when she actually enjoyed being with him and can feel pleasured?’ Let me share my ‘Apple Sharing’ incident with you.

When my husband and I got married, I did a lot of cute loving things for him, simply because I knew he enjoyed them and they made him smile. One of those things was cutting his apples into little slices before serving them. He never asked me to, but the first time I did that, he was so appreciative and had this genuine smile on his face. I loved that I put that smile there so I kept on slicing his apples into little bite size pieces before serving them to him.

Then one evening, about a month ago, I was very busy in the kitchen and he needed apples. I placed 2 apples on his plate, with a knife, and explained that I had no time to slice the apples since I cannot leave the food on the stove for more than a few seconds. Then he went into a sulking, whining fit. He did not get mad outright, but he did mumble in protest. Usually, I got a ‘thank you’ whenever I served him food, but this time, he just did the mumbling and turned away. I was beyond pissed. But, I have learned fast in a marriage that sometimes, it does not pay to speak in anger. So I went ahead to finish up in the kitchen and let it go for the time being.

That night, in bed, I explained that he had completely ruined the ‘apple slicing’ gesture for me. I felt that even if I did this thousands of times while we are married, I would never feel the same joy I did when I first started. Because now, it was no longer a gesture of love, it had become an obligation. He had made it seem like I had to do it or he will be unhappy. No matter how I tried to rationalize it, something changed that night, and I know we could never go back to the way things were. Of course he apologised, and I accepted, but it is still different.

Once something becomes a ‘must do’, no matter how you look at it, you do not get as much pleasure doing it. I know for a fact that if my husband got manipulative and sulky post-coital, something will shift in our sex life. I will probably not know the difference between wanting to do it and having to do it, because both will still end with me doing it. Of course, I would feel sad. It is unlikely for sex to be as pleasurable as it was before that.

So, what is a woman like Esther to do? Esther is definitely not the only one in this situation. Thousands of women are laying there, praying he will be done fast enough so she can go to bed. Countless men see this as their God-given right and they would not even notice if their wives are going through the motions. Where does she begin to repair what is ruined, especially when her husband does not believe it is?

It IS her husband. It IS consensual. But it is STILL wrong!

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