The Elastic Heart Series with Atoke: Part IV – Smart & Stupid

{If you’re just joining us, you’re almost late to the party; but better late than never. If, however, you’ve been with me since Monday…you know what to do *wink*}
I always say to Glory Edozien, “You are the love mistress. Love is your territory. You love, love.” It is true; Glory IS the love queen. She has this glow when she talks about matters of the heart. Me? Not quite. I don’t care. My love is my writing. My heart? Chained away, padlocked and frozen.

So, when I found myself in a Situationship, I struggled with confronting the realisation that this is what was actually going on.

Wait, you don’t know what a Situationship is? Where were you when Isio Wanogho and Uru Eke were talking about it here on BN? Tsk, Tsk! Okay, I’ll help you out:

Aidanneal.com properly captures it:
“A situationship is basically a pseudo-relationship. A placebo masking itself as a formative relationship. It smells like a relationship, it sorta looks like a relationship, and it may even feel like one, but it’s not. Urban Dictionary describes a situationship as any problematic relationship characterised by one or more unresolved, interpersonal conflicts. usually confused with dating.”

All caught up now? Good!

A situationship is that halfway place between talking and being in a relationship. It’s sha a whole lot of rocking chair style techniques. (No, not sexual, you perv!) I mean, it gives you so much to do, but takes you NO WHERE!

You’re talking to this person but you don’t really want to ask that dreaded question because you don’t want to come across as an Eager Beaver. So you just let the absence of definition drag on and on and on! Till you find yourself broken hearted. Then you’re told “But we were not in a relationship, ke!”

Dearly beloved, I’m here to preach one word of Rhema to you today…It is very okay to ask that question. The Love Queen, Glory Edozien also confirms it. In any case, once you’re in your 30s, you have the carte blanche to do anything you want to. You know why?

Because you’re an ADULT!

So, since I’m such a tough talker and a know-it-all, why did I fall into this pit of despair and become a bumbling mess when I asked the “what do you want with me?” question and got the “friendship!” response?

But, I was still going to be a strong woman, okay? I wasn’t going to let a man use me emotionally and tell me he just wants to be friend. No! I beat my chest and stood in my room, with all the righteous indignation in the world.

“I am going to need to dial this back a whole lot! I can’t do the kind of friendship you want.” I beat my chest King Kong style and decided to cut the man off!

The Elastic Heart Series is the result of my decision. It chronicles my walk through the pain of trying to clutch myself back from my Situationship. It has been a long, arduous journey and I hope that nobody will ever tell you that it is easy.

Because, that sh*t hurts so bad.
My emotions Yo-Yo’d from happiness, to relief, to anger, and back to intense sadness. Days of tears soaking my pillow, and me trying to muffle my sobs because I didn’t want my roommate to think this strong girl had somehow crumbled. I feel a little better now, and I’ve decided to share my experience in a 5-part series. If you have never heard Elastic Heart by Sia, please get acquainted, because this song got me through this very difficult period. I may not be as strong as I thought I was, but now I realise that what I have is an Elastic Heart.

I hope you enjoy this series and I hope it helps somebody.

***
If I come out of this alive, I am not going to talk to any man again. Yes, I’m being overly dramatic now. It’s allowed. I’m allowed to be petty, be silly, and to throw tantrums.

So, I will not talk to men any more.

No, I’m serious. Men are bad for me. They hurt me. All the time.

Actually, that’s stupid. That’s a stupid thing to write. Why did I write that? That’s a stupid wide-sweeping statement.

See, missing you is making me talk stupidly. I’m not stupid. I’m smart.

Yes, a smart, funny writer. Quite a catch, actually. Yes, trumpet blowing.

I am hardworking, talented, and smart.

Smartness recognised you in a crowd.

Smartness made me ask you what the hell you wanted with me.

But where was Smartness when I was hurt from not being able to tell you how my day was?  Look, I wanted to tell you about lady on the train who told me my hair was beautiful! She chuckled when I explained to her how I finally got the curl definition after several YouTube tries. She smiled and said; “Oh, the trick is to put the curling pudding when the hair is slightly damp? That’s smart!”

Yes, smartness!

Smartness isn’t here to console me because I’m sad from the knowledge that I have to watch last week’s episode of The Night Of without you.

I saw something funny yesterday and I was going to show you, then I remembered. “Not talking to that man!” So, I sent it to KB instead.

My dearest friend, KB!
See, I have good friends that are men. Men are not stupid. I take that back. I have loads of male friends.

See, this is why I don’t NEED another friend with a penis.

I have loads of friends, but I don’t watch Marco Polo real time with them. I don’t care that they cut their finger on a gate! I don’t worry that they may get shot on their way to work, because they live in racist America! Okay, wait, that bit is not true. I worry about all my friends in America… but that’s not the point.

The point is that I miss you. This is hard… harder than I thought it would be. I am not going to force you to give us a chance. I know that there can probably be no ‘us’ ever.

I am angry with myself for missing you, since I am sure I don’t want the half slice of unbuttered bread you’re offering.

Everything feels so difficult now; but it will get better.

I know this, but it doesn’t make it hurt any less.

I want to laugh at your dry jokes. Dammit!

But, I am smart. I deserve better. I will be fine.

Why isn’t the knowledge of this soothing me?

 How can someone who’s so brilliant as you are be so completely stupid about this? Us? Our vibe?

So, so, so, so stupid!

All men are not stupid. You are currently being stupid!

Alive – Sia

Photo Credit: Charity Adetiba-Howard