Busola Adedire: Defining What It Means to Be ‘Single’

‘All the great things are simple, and many can be expressed in a single word: freedom, justice, honour, duty, mercy, hope’- Winston Churchill

I am someone who doesn’t do well with ambiguous things – as my curious side won’t let me be great. But this life sha, e get plenty plenty things we question but can’t find answers to. Darn you, English! I would rather we found one definition for words with binary or ternary meanings like love, and oh… single!

You know the problem with English is that, we can read the same thing yet comprehend it in completely different ways. This is the problem I have with the words above – unnecessary ambiguity!

Now to the definition of single…the legal definitions for a single person is someone who is not in a relationship or is “unmarried”. In common usage, the term single is often used to refer to someone who is not involved in any type of serious romantic relationship, including long-term dating, engagement, or marriage.

Whenever I hear the word ‘single’, the common definition often comes to my mind: but, it seems a number of people disagree.

I remember in my Uni days, I was crushing on this dark and handsome bobo; but soon, my hope dashed when I heard he had a girlfriend. That was how I went on a headless rant with one of my girlfriends about this guy, but her response stunned me. My friend was strictly team shoot your shot! In her words, so far you are without a ring, you can do and undo. Errmm… I don’t know O!

I think for me, I do worry about doing the right things, so I can live with myself in peace. The thoughts of ‘stealing’ what belongs to someone else on the basis of that argument doesn’t sit very well with me. However, some people will argue… people are not properties, thus can’t be stolen. That one is another discussion for another day.

On one hand, I am team love without ‘pity’… no one should ever feel like they ‘settled’ with the other person. It is either you want them or not! But, I have lived long enough to hear classic variations of stories that touch. You know those stories that sounds like Bayo dated Sade for 7 years, only for Bayo to marry our Pana baby, Folake – whom he dated for 6 weeks. Yes, those ones!
First of all, I am not a fan of long winded relationships; but that does not mean it is a crime for those who do have them. In my head, a 3-7 year relationship is something that warrants sort of a ‘loyalty status’ as per wife/husband material certified! Not that you can own human beings but… I don’t classify people in one of those 3, 5, 7 year type of relationships as single in the literal sense. Especially, if we were to apply my friend’s definition of being single. No! You cannot do whatever you like.

I also think it should be a crime to cage someone else’s heart…because you haven’t found what you were looking for. But that one sef, is another discussion for another day!

If you are in long term dating, you kind of ‘owe’ the other person nothing short of an excellent/valid argument for opting out of a relationship with them. Infact, if you date someone for 9 years or over… you probably owe them a solid commitment status a.k.a marriage or what do you guys think?

Now, there are people who genuinely drift apart. But the term ‘drift apart’ is another controversial one for me-  as it is ridden with grey areas. If you claim you drifted apart with a lover, what are the chances it won’t happen again in the next relationship or marriage? But this life can like to surprise us sha.

Back to the topic, I think the problem with the word ‘single’ is the level of freedom associated with it. You get judged by others for this ‘perceived freedom’ and it also means you get to play by your own rules whether it hurts another person or not. The latter part does not sit quite well with me.

Although, I have learnt that on ‘Love Street’ you don’t waste time pointing fingers at those who did right or wrong by you… you just keep it moving! Like the famous quote goes ‘you only get 5 emotional minutes in a day’… for break ups? Maybe 60 minutes! And you get to decide how you want to spend that. However, on the flip side we have others who are not single in the ‘literal’ sense but refuse to acknowledge whoever they are involved with.

This is a very subjective one as I can understand it if you choose not to ‘claim’ anyone outside commitment, but you cannot get mad when people shoot their shot with you.

Also, whether this is a good or bad thing in the context of a serious relationship. I don’t know!

By the virtue of conventional reasoning, you shouldn’t act single if you are not single; but, that depends on what your definition of ‘single’ is. So, you see my problem?

So BellaNaijarians, how do you define ‘Single’? Do we owe prospective partners loyalty based on how long we dated them?

Photo Credit: Kadettmann | Dreamstime.com