Fumbi O: Letter to Myself…For the Next Time I Fall in Love

Dear Me,

I am writing this to you in advance in the hopes that when the time comes, it would speak back to you and tell you what you need to hear and caution you from repeating past mistakes.

I know you. I am you. I know what you are like when you begin to like someone or you fall in love; you become blind to reason.  You make excuses for all forms of indecencies. You give away so much, you expect too much and you push too hard, until it breaks. You love hard, and when it’s all over, you are back again… to that point you swore never to go back to.

You’re not one of those wait it out, pray about it, stay friends for a year before dating kind of people. This is not always a bad thing; you meet someone you have the best conversations, have an incredible spark, and before you know it, you both are throwing the L-word back and forth. It’s great for a while. You start seeing the possibility of forever, until you begin to get cranky.

You start pushing for those expectations to materialise, but they never do. All the sweetness they started out with, begins to fade, and being the short span person you are, your patience begins to wear off. You run off – out of the fear of getting stuck in a bad relationship, due to your greater fear of ending up in a bad marriage.

You are not a kid anymore and you have had your fair share of experiences when it comes to love and life. You have been cracked quite a number of times, but thankfully not yet broken.

You were that girl in high school who didn’t have time for boys or such frivolous things. You are ambitious and pro-feminist. You believe in being a successful woman and not an advocate of the traditional idea that marriage defines who is an accomplished woman but underneath all these you are a love-addict, hopeless romantic patiently waiting on your “notebook” moment. These two sides can be sometimes conflicting. You may come across as too much for some men, too ambitious, too demanding, boring and not fun-savvy even; and in your attempt to balance this out, you tend to over compensate. You fail to say NO when appropriate, and seek to always please; but how has this helped you?

You still ended up losing those you thought you loved. They still walked away, leaving you cracked and trying to re-grow. You have learnt that beauty can only ignite the initial attraction. Brains will help you carry the conversation, or worse still land you in friends zone. Love can only take you so far, but sometimes it’s not just enough. If a person isn’t meant for you, they will see a combination of all these and still make you feel less than you are.

You’ve learnt never to force anything again, if a man wouldn’t grow into his potential, that is his cross to bear. Don’t try to mummy him into greatness, or try become his saviour, Jesus already paid that price; love him, if you can, and if not, graciously leave and let him find his path.

You’ve learnt not to push too hard or jump into conclusions, don’t do all the work for him. Remember if a man wants you, he would put in the effort. Men always go after what they want, so if he isn’t coming after you… well you already know. Don’t stay hoping, and be a big girl about it.

You’ve learnt never to give out, so easily, things that are precious to you. Save the best for those who truly deserve it. Don’t let yourself be full of baggage and hate, before you meet the one.

You’ve learnt to let go and move up; you’ve also learnt that recycling is never healthy; missing your past is always part of the process. Remember the promise you made to yourself about not being the girl who keeps returning to her vomit.

You’ve learnt to trust. Oh this is the crux of your problems. You doubt everything, you’re a recovering skeptic, you’ve always taken the approach of expecting the worst in everyone, so that when they disappoint you, it wouldn’t come as a surprise. Well, you know the saying “life gives you what you demand from it.” If you keep expecting every guy you meet to be a potential scum, they just might be.

You’ve learnt to take your time. Yes you love easy. You’ve never successfully followed the seven-date rule and you beat yourself up for this every time. So maybe this time don’t rush it. Wait it out, he should too, if he can’t, then please… boy bye.

You’ve learnt that love is a process and it cannot always be rosy. Someone might love you and still misbehave. It doesn’t mean they would be a bad partner. There might be days when he is just not be as mushy as you are; it doesn’t mean he is cheating, or has stopped loving you. Focus on the things that matter.

You’ve learnt that not every guy you meet is the potential one – no matter how sweet and funny and tall they are or how chubby his bum is, be not easily swayed. Some of them are friend-zone candidate or even passers-by. Don’t go about being a wife to an acquaintance.

You’ve learnt to keep your private business private; yes you like to show off, remember that one time when you were with this tall fine hunk, damn! you were ready to feel up Instagram with different versions of him. Thus, the awkwardness when you had to start deleting pictures after the break up. Showing off is not always bad, but please wait until it’s ripe enough. And oh, the fact that he didn’t put your picture up on his wall doesn’t mean he doesn’t care. Focus on things that matter.

You’ve learnt that expecting so much is not a bad thing, but you have to be careful with making unrealistic demands. Be sweet about your requests and let him know why you have these expectations. Give a man peace and you will always be his home; nag him and you’d lose him.

You’ve also learnt another important lesson that marriage is work. It’s almost nothing like you see in the movies, the Noahs of this world are now in short supply (The Notebook reference) so be careful not to push a man too hard into committing into forever. He is probably just as scared as you. He is probably also taking his time and trying to avoid a bad decision. So if he doesn’t introduce you to his family on time, don’t freak out just yet. Who knows? God might also be saving you from a mistake.

Lastly, you’ve learnt not to give up on love. There are lots of bad people in the world and there will always be bad experiences, but there are still a lot of good people as well. You have to keep that faith and child-like hope alive. You will meet the one and you will have happily ever after, problems notwithstanding.

So now everyone around you is getting married and getting proposals, your mum has started dropping subtle hints. There is this new guy on the block (mild blush); at the rate things are going, in a couple of weeks you may have loved up already (sadly, we can’t help that. He seems like such the sweetheart) I know that by then, you may have forgotten all the dos and don’ts we discussed, so I’m writing this ahead of time, so it can serve as a reminder when you need it and I’m rooting for you.

Cheers to no more heartbreaks and no more bad decisions. Cheers to taking a step further towards your happily ever after 🙂

Photo Credit: Sam74100 | Dreamstime.com