Cisi Eze: 9 Traits of the Average Nigerian

A pal of mine once said, “Nigerians are like Trump supporters.” What a mean generalisation! I almost asked her, “Where is thy chill, woman?” What she meant to say was, “The AVERAGE Nigerian is like a Trump supporter.” Truly, the AVERAGE Nigerian is an annoying creature.

Here, I am highlighting the attributes of an average Nigerian. Keyword is “average”. Please, get your torchlight in order to navigate through the shade you’re about to read.

Traits of the Average Nigerian (TAN)

Minds Other People’s Business
When you dress good, smell good, talk eloquently, and mind your business, TAN assumes you are haughty. This is owing to the fact that TAN does not know how to face front and drink water. No wonder they have bad skin and suffer constipation. With so much crap inside them, they ought to be hateful. They are interested in every aspect of your life that does not concern them – your children, religiosity, sexuality, car model,… Ah! Their lives are so sad – they need to judge other people to feel better about themselves. Very miserable behaviour!

Never Keeps To Time
TAN NEVER keeps to time. You invite him/her to an event for 1000HRS and he/she doesn’t show up until 1600HRS. Like, is there a trophy the latest person gets? Tell me! Don’t keep me in the dark, edakun. Going late is cli-fudging-ché! Isn’t it amazing how we’ve normalised bad behaviour? That something is conventional does not make it necessarily right. Then again, as I always say, morality is a function of consensus.

Dumb Aae-Eff
Have you ever heard the saying, “If you want to hide something from an African, hide it in a book”? This is so true when it comes to TAN – he/she does not read! He/she is probably in a battle with printed words. Sadly, they tend to be very opinionated about what they do not know about. Who does that? How do you know so much about what you do not know about? That explains why some of them say asinine things like, “Depression is a choice.” Have you seen their social media updates and how it is replete with irrelevant abbreviations? MOST of the dumb ideas on social media are typed in abbreviations. Start paying attention.

Hypocritical
TAN is not just black-faced (you know; melanin), he/she is also two-faced! Gawsh! TAN will say “G”, “D”, or even “O” in public, meanwhile dans la boudoir, he/she is recklessly and passionately doing “V” or “P”. Why the pretext, please? Why condemn an act you are guilty of? In addition, TAN thrives on putting appearances over personal happiness. How else do I explain the lavish wedding parties in this economic recession? Is “recession” just another nine-letter word? Let’s not forget those people in abusive marriages that slather social media platforms with “cute pics” of their soul-crushing marriages. Hypocrites are a walking irony.

Too Religious
Everything is religion to TAN. Religion, surely, is the opium of the people! You know what I think? The average Nigerian is not living; he/she is waiting to die in order to go to heaven. Any small thing, “At least, all this is vanity. Heaven is my home.” A belief in the afterlife helps TAN cope with harsh Nigerian realities. Religion has made them docile and forgiving of the government. The government does something irksome and TAN says, “God will help us.” Haha! Really? We have been saying this since 19-forever!

Hates Other Nigerians
Yes, yes… The Average Nigerian hates other Nigerians. Look at how they allow ethnicity seep into every-daem-thing. You would think the NYSC thingy would help fix this. Alas! NYSC is a sham. Shame! I don’t want to get started on how some Igbo people hate people from other parts of Igboland. Haha! But they want Biafra. Ihukwa nsogbu raised to power two!

Supports Trump
The average Nigerian believes Trump is the best thing to happen to America. He/she probably hates Obama for legalising same-sex marriages. I was not disappointed when TAN went on about how Yahweh (I typed “YHWH” because I love being specific) is bringing sanity to America through Trump. Trump is sexist and racist. Yahweh supports Trump. Ergo, YHWH is … (If you understand syllogism, kindly conclude. Thanks.)

Enjoys Trashy Music
The Nigerian reality is so sad and as a result, TAN finds comfort in trash songs. These trash songs have great beats, they claim. As the similar-sounding beats are dope, they readily lap up the stupid lyrics like a cat lapping milk off a saucer. Trashy Naija jams give them life. Such life!

Loves Redundant Customs
When you tell TAN that paying bride price is senseless, he/she would tell you, “It is our culture. That is how it has always been.” The average Nigerian does not understand it is imperative to update our values to suit what we have right now. Why do they keep pouring old wine into new wine skins? This is depressing. For there to be growth and development, there must be change. They spew the “it’s our culture” crap while worshipping a foreign deity. (Sings) Dum-dum-dum-dum-dum! A line from Chinelo Okparanta’s Under the Udala Tree explains this: “(…) the ritual continues, even if there’s no longer any real significance behind it.”

There you have it – traits of an average Nigerian. Please, if you exude at least six of these qualities, I’m afraid, you are an average Nigerian.

Shout out to average Nigerians! How is the average life? Averaging must be fun, I wager.

P.S. I love you, but on a serious note, for Nigeria to be better, we all need to contribute to the change we want to see. We have to get rid of beliefs and behaviours that do not support us as a people. It is about time we worked towards a Nigeria our children would be proud of. How many of us are still proud to be Nigerians?

Photo Credit: Robert Byron | Dreamstime.com