Why We Decided to Have Children! 5 Nigerian Couples Share their Parenting Experiences

Being a parent is sometimes the best thing in the world, other times, it’s the worst. One moment you think you have it all figured out and you are nailing it, the next minute you feel like you are spiraling out of control and your life is coming to an end.

Pay no mind to the perfect families on Instagram, patronizing ‘mummy’ posts on Facebook and of course, the myriad people sharing unrealistic comments on social media about parenting and how it should be done…there is no one formula to perfect or completely blissful parenting. It is messy and hard. And no matter how prepared you are or what picture you have painted about parenting, the fantasies don’t quite add up to reality.

From managing public tantrums to canceling appointments to attend a school events and giving in to weird requests, just so you can have peace… you will definitely find yourself doing, saying and experiencing things you never thought you would.

BellaNaija recently spoke to five sets of parents to learn why they decided to have children, their expectations versus the realities. They shared their experiences,their disappointments, challenges, and joys.

We hope you enjoy reading their stories.

Movie producer and an event planner of Handywoman Events,  Fatima is married to James who is also a movie producer and director. The couple met at a film school in Abuja and hit it off immediately. They both knew they wanted kids from the moment they got serious, but wanted to wait until a year into the marriage. Four months into marriage, however, they started ‘actively’ trying to conceive as they felt there was no need to wait any longer.

What has been your experience as a mother so far?
Being a mom has been a sweet, but extremely challenging experience. Some days I feel like I can take on the world and other days I just feel overwhelmed and need everything to pause for a minute. I love my son, Toby, to bits and pieces but, some days, I want to put him up for sale.

The fact that I will be there after a few hours of sleep is beside the point. Being a mom, for me, is a beautiful learning curve. You learn about your child(ren), people, but mostly, yourself. Being a mom makes all your weaknesses evident, but it also shows your strengths.

It has made me a much more compassionate person…I now know what it means to wear your heart outside your body. I am more vulnerable and I even like people more! There are good days and not-so-good days, but it is extremely rewarding.

How do you balance career and parenting?
Well, my husband and I work but after I got pregnant, after 3 years of trying, I left my 9-5 job. Personally, I see raising a child a full-time job, but I left my job because I could. Not many women have the luxury of just leaving their jobs and most of them usually find a system that works with their lifestyles.

I believe that as long as you make time for your children and put everything in place to ensure their safety and happiness, without compromising discipline and structure, they will be just fine. I believe that if you give your children the basic tools they need for life and survival, they will thrive.

I just feel my child should be with me until they can communicate. That way, they can tell us if anything happened. Yes, I am more paranoid than most.

How has the reality differed from expectations?
Expectations – I thought motherhood would be easy. I have several nieces and nephews who grew up around me. I had changed several diapers and put several screaming babies to sleep, so I assumed that it was familiar territory and would be easy enough to navigate.

The reality is that, while I did all those things, I didn’t have to take the child home with me and be with them for the rest of my life. There’s no returning that child to its parent, that’s me! He’s mine now and I am his.

The reality is that I am a zombie. I don’t get enough rest, but everyone depends on me to function at my best at all times. So, no matter how many diapers you have changed and how many children have laid on your bosom, nothing prepares you for the reality of parenthood. Nothing. No matter how many books you read, no one teaches you how to function with just two hours of sleep, spread through an 11-hour night with a cranky human who depends on you for everything.

What are the greatest challenges you have had raising your child so far?
My greatest challenge so far is trying to raise a kind and compassionate kid in the world that we are living in today. I wonder how I can shield him from the madness, but also raise him to be independent and strong.

I also have a challenge with making sure I say and do the right things because some days I just want to cuss and smack him but, when I think I think about the long-term effects, I catch myself and just stop. Other days, I just let it rip.

Paying close attention to your child’s actions and reactions, figuring out what informed them and trying to correct bad behavior is an ongoing challenge. I just want to raise a well-rounded child but the challenge is how? But I shall figure it out, one day at a time.

What have been greatest disappointments as a parent so far? What are the things you would do differently?
Hmmm, at some point Toby started to hit people and I realized that it was because I was always smacking the little bugger. I was determined not to raise a ‘spoilt child’ so I smacked him whenever he was naughty. He started mirroring my behavior and it was quite disappointing, especially when he hit other kids. If I could go back, I would be softer, kinder, and slower to smack him. I do not regret having kids.

Some days are tough but, being a mom is a very rewarding and beautiful experience. I would say, if you are looking forward to parenthood, be financially ready! Everything else will come to you naturally, and if it doesn’t, ask for help! It’s okay to depend on your support system.

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Eresi met her husband Chukwuma at a political meeting in his father’s house. Sharing a mutual love for kids, there was no debate on whether or not they would have kids. The decision to have a large family was also unanimous. Four years in marriage and 3 children later, Eresi is still excited about having more kids.

When did you choose to have kids?
My husband and I have always wanted to have kids, so the ‘if’ was never up for discussion. We only discussed numbers. We love kids and we knew we wanted a large family. My experience as a mum has been humbling, very eventful, and exciting. As expected, it has its stressors as well. It’s not easy to maintain a steady job, keep your husband satisfied, 3 kids in 4 years of marriage and balance it all out.

How has the reality differed from your expectations?
I expected it will be very demanding, especially since I wanted quite a number of kids. I already braced up for it. Living without a ‘help’ here in Houston hasn’t made it easy. Often times, I wonder how I pull through. I always remind myself they won’t be babies forever. My reality hasn’t been far from my expectations. I have always known it is not an easy road, but I also know the rewards are far richer than the present sacrifices.

What are the greatest challenges you have had raising your child/children so far?
My challenges haven’t been anything out of the norm. My kids are “low maintenance “. They don’t ask for too much. It doesn’t take a lot to make them happy. I try to teach them core values such as respect, being grateful, and having each other ‘s backs, and we seem to be going somewhere with that.

There’s no perfect method of parenting really. To each his own, so long as core values are instilled. I don’t believe in timeouts. I do minimal spanking and use my eyes a lot. I try not to raise my voice all the time, so I don’t push them into believing they should take me seriously only when I’m shouting.

Bottom line, pay attention to your child and know when they pick up strange behaviors and correct it immediately.

How do you balance career and parenting?
You need to work to be able to pay the bills. I get help from family, which is a blessing. Many people don’t get that. I also use daycare when I don’t have family to help. I spend a lot of time with them before and after work. My weekends are for them too.

Do you regret having kids?
Never! I enjoy being a parent.I love my kids with my life. I even hope to have more. And for those hoping to someday have children, do not flood your mind with the negatives. Brace up for it. It’s fun!

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Mother of 2, Titi Sule, spends time on Instagram, inspiring people to excel and thrive. She is also a Product Manager at a HVAC company and a writer (working on her book, Unspoken Voices). Titi is married to DJ, a Software Consultant and a Real Estate Investor who she met on Facebook many years ago. They both wanted kids before they met as it was deeply rooted in their upbringing that having kids after marriage was expected (they both grew up in Nigeria but currently live in Charlotte, North Carolina). After marriage, however, Titi enrolled in a MBA program that forced her to wait for kids. She and her husband waited three years before they had their sons : Zaki ,4 and Zoltan,1.

What would you say was the very real disparity between what you expected parenthood to be like, and what it’s actually like?
With my first child, I really expected that our son would arrive and our lives would be the same. It was a big adjustment for me. From the beginning moments of struggling with lack of sleep to now figuring out what kindergarten school he would attend, each year presents a challenge.

With Zoltan, it is easier because most of the challenges have been experienced before. I learned to accept my new reality as a mom, especially reviewing my life goals.

Becoming a parent helped me become a more balanced individual. Initially, it was a bit weird that I had a child. Even now, it still feels weird that I have two kids…There are certain moments I miss about my pre-kids life: the ability to travel whenever I wanted, the ability to sleep in or watch movies all day on the weekends, and more. Planning is now required to have fun and spontaneity is limited with kids at a young age. But, my favorite moments of being a mother is seeing them grow. Be it their first moment walking or their first word or their first day at school. Each moment brings excitement for us. I’ve learned to not take myself so seriously and laugh at the silly moments. The kids give us plenty of those moments.

What are the core values you try to instil in your children and how do you go about it?
Definitely kindness, discipline, hard work, and fun. We do it in different ways. There is more focus on Zaki, because he is the older one, and we hope that Zoltan will pick up the behaviour from us.

With kindness, we continuously encourage them to share with each other and strangers. They share toys together at home and at school. For discipline, we focus more on rewarding good behaviour.

I use fake coins to reward Zaki when he does his task without me asking. For example, if he picks up his toys and organizes them. Once he reaches a certain number of coins, he gets a surprise from us. I enjoy teaching him, he learns at school but after school, we spend about twenty minutes together a few days a week learning. Fun happens in our house every day. It could be just playing football in the living room or dancing to music.

What are the greatest challenges you have had raising your children so far?
I hope I am not painting parenting as rainbows because there are challenging moments. The early days of many sleepless nights are brutal. We have two little people that depend on us. The bills are far from cheap, especially for working parents. Daycare/Preschool charge is above $1000 per month per child. Also when there are multiple kids, you have different personalities to deal with.

My kids are quite different in their personalities. Zaki is quite calm, very much an introvert. With Zaki, we never had to do any childproofing around the house. He is organized and pretty much happy playing with his cars. Zoltan, on the other hand, is highly curious. He digs into every drawer in the house. So their needs from us are quite different. Zaki prefers to have quiet moments. Zoltan prefers to have interaction. With each addition, my happiness level has been the same or increased. I believe the law of diminishing returns also applies to giving birth and raising kids so we are satisfied with two kids for now.

What advice would you give to people itching to become parents?
My first advice would be to laugh as much as you can. Laugh at your successes. Laugh at your failures. Please don’t spend time judging yourself. Deep down in your heart, you know your intentions are right with your child (ren) and they can feel it too. I guess the other advice I would give is : save a lot of money.

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Nonye, Procurement Specialist at Diageo, and her husband ND, Creative Director at 7interactive, have two sons who they dote on. They met through a friend, and while it wasn’t love at first sight…love struck years later when they met again. Nonye and ND knew they wanted kids from the start as they talked about it right from when they began dating. While Nonye admits that parenting has been “crazy” …as nothing prepared them for the amount of screaming and worrying they now have to deal with, she is convinced that in being very traditional parents who are strict with rules, christian values and family principles, she and ND are nailing it.

When did you decide you wanted to have kids, and why?
ND and I knew we wanted kids from the start. We talked about it all the time when we were dating and it was something we both felt passionate about. As for why we wanted them, I think it’s just natural yearnings.

How has the reality differed from your expectations?
It’s been crazy and amazing! Nothing prepared us for the amount of screaming and worrying we now do.

What are the greatest challenges you have had raising your children so far?
Dealing with developmental delay. It wasn’t easy measuring our son’s milestone against what we thought it should be. It was mental torture

What are the core values you try to instil in your children and how do you go about it?
Kindness and the love of God. We teach them to pray and we make sure they are the kids who reach out to the new pupil in the class. We have them tell us daily about their friends in school and how they showed love to them.

Do you believe there is one best way of raising a child?
We don’t believe there’s any such thing as perfect parenting. We do our best and count on The Holy Spirit for assistance.

How do you balance career and parenting?
We have a great support system. Family, friends and an amazing nanny. We, however, do not compromise on the quality of time spent with the kids. Our jobs can be demanding but we both work in organizations that support healthy work/ family life balance.

What would you say you are doing differently from what is the norm with raising children in this day, and would you say it has been effective?
We are very traditional parents. We are strict with rules, christian values, and family principles. It has been effective because even though we have very expressive kids, they understand authority and respect it.

What have been greatest disappointments as a parent so far? What are the things you would do differently?
To be honest, none. For me, as the mum, the only thing I’ll do differently is to sleep throughout my pregnancy. I didn’t know kids meant no more beauty sleep.

Do you regret having kids?
Never!

What advice would you give people who are looking forward to parenthood?
Be mentally prepared, it’s not a cake-walk. If one is not careful the arrival of the children can seriously strain relationship with your spouse. You must learn to create a balance.

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Clergy, Entrepreneur and Music Minister, Walter and wife Favour got married in 2010 and decided to start having kids 1year after. Currently parents to 2 sons, the duo see themselves as just channels through which a child discovers his path in life. As a father, he believes that the Word of God is the best way to train a child as ‘perfect parenting’ is parenting done by The Word of God.

I met my wife in school in 2006/2007. Our hostels were close-by so I saw her, loved her person and decided I was going to make her mine. And the rest is history. We got married in 2010 and decided to start having kids 1year after… And we did. We have two boys now. The reason was that we needed to enjoy our companionship at least for a while before allowing the sweet intrusion children bring into parent’s lives.

What’s your experience been so far, as a father?
As a father, I have to give leadership, discipline, provide for them, love them and protect them. It’s been challenging yet fulfilling. So far we have been able to balance parenting with our work life: My wife works where our children go to school, so we know what’s happening with them. We have a nanny stay with them over the weekend. Other times we are with them. We are pretty much around them most of the time for now.

What were expectations of being a parent? What has been the reality?
So far, the reality has been within expectations. I knew children will change my life and it did. Your privacy has been ruled out except you enforce it by locking yourself up, but even at that… Hahaha. The greatest challenge has been monitoring what gets into their minds. But soon I will sort that out totally. I believe that the foundation given at home controls how a child processes what comes from outside home.

Do you believe there is one best way of raising a child?
The Love of God is the core value. Acknowledging the sovereignty of the Most High God. Every other thing falls into place when that is achieved. I model the way for them and show them from the Word of God too. Discipline when they err so they know what’s right and wrong. Perfect Parenting is parenting done by The Word of God. Scripture said: “Train up a Child in the way he should go…” (Proverbs 22:6). The way a child should go has been planned by God the Creator… We are just channels, so we should find out (by observing them) what path the child should take and guide thru the Word. The Word of God is the best way to train a child.

Do you have any regrets? What are the things you would do differently?
No, I don’t regret having kids. I have not had any disappointments at all. God’s ways are up-to-date in any age and time. If you go with The Word, you will always be up to date with Parenting. I have two boys. I am OK.

What advice would you give people who are looking forward to parenthood?
Parenting is an exciting adventure and there no better way to go about it than to follow the path laid down by the Creator Himself in His Words recorded in the Bible. You will never fail as a parent following God’s Word.