‘Lamide Jasanya: Dealing with the Loss of a Loved One

Last week, we began this column with a true tell all of how I lost my mother and how the people that had gathered to commiserate with my family members and I almost compounded the loss with several DONTs. {Click here if you missed it}.

These past few days, have really toughened me. Up until the sad incident, the closest I have come to experiencing pain has either been betrayal of a trusted friend, breakup of a relationship I had invested in – both of which in hindsight are nothing compared to this that just hit me.

I have had to deal with several emotions in the last one week than I have in my over twenty five years of living, and while I am very grateful to my family members for making the journey easy, here are a few things that helped me get by and I would like to share.

Don’t Expect too Much from Everybody
Not everyone will abandon their work, life or family to come and comfort you, and so when they call you to make excuses, allow them. And for as many that come, don’t believe their promises of a callback or comfort and care because only a few of them will live up to it. Some will promise to call back and not. Some will even go the extent of promising to stand in the gap… like they can.

Don’t Force the Emotions
Express truly, how you feel. Only you understand your pain and care less about the people around. So if you feel like screaming, by all means please do. In my own case, I used all the swear words there are, and even came up with a few more that I now can’t remember.

Don’t Be Afraid to Outgrow the Pain
Understand that the pain isn’t a day’s journey, so enjoy the process and learn through the phase. It will wear out in due time, so when you hear a comment, a joke or an interesting fact, feel free to laugh and react accordingly. It doesn’t make your loss less hurtful.

There’s No Need to See Visitors off
When visitors come calling, don’t see them off. They say it’s tradition. I’m yet to understand that, but for logic sake, don’t bother, because even you need to rest, biko.

Eat
This may sound a little too weird but please, don’t starve yourself. Once hunger, sleep or any other craving sets in, it’s the beginning of reality, respect and obeys it. Your body system doesn’t stop functioning because you are grieving, so learn to take good care of yourself, lest you may be causing damage to it.

Preserve the Memories
Lastly, understand that when everything is over, responsibilities remain, so don’t lose sight of them. Stay strong and preserve the memories. You will always have them; so you have to stay strong for that reason, alone if possible.

There’s no short cut. Ride out the pain
Don’t look for a quick escape route. Pain like love is an emotion, it doesn’t wear out easily. If the person lost is very close to you, chances are that it will take a while, so don’t fall for the quick way out. In my own case, I tried to find solace in sleep. I would shut my eyes and force it. Sometimes I was unlucky, other times, I would sleep only to wake up more drained than I was. I preferred solitude too, but it made it worse, as memories flashed easily and caused me to tear up every time.

Don’t Blame yourself
This is perhaps the most important of all the don’ts and by far the most essential. Don’t blame yourself for anything at all. That you were unavailable or that you wished you did more wasn’t the cause of the loss. It happened because it was meant to. Don’t point accusing fingers to anybody too, should you want to hasten the healing process.

Photo Credit: Alberto Jorrin Rodriguez | Dreamstime.com