BN Hot Topic: Why are You Giving Money to Your Ex?

On a sunny Saturday afternoon my girl and I were having dessert at our favourite restaurant chit chatting and catching up. All of a sudden Bisi dropped her spoon and says out loud “OMG I forgot to gist you” at the top of her voice. I must say I was really embarrassed because by now people were staring in our direction with the ok so you want to gossip look.  Anyway she goes on to tell me how she was cleaning her boyfriends room and found a bank teller with his ex’s name on it. Apparently she was stark raving mad about it. Bisi and Deji have been dating for over 2years now and according to my dear friend their relationship is such that they tell each other EVERYTHING (yes she emphasized!).  Her point was how come she didn’t know this? Secondly why is he giving her money?

After confronting Deji about it, he said he did not tell her because he didn’t know how she would react and his ex needed the money because she was strapped for cash. Bisi being the no nonsense hot tempered babe she is, decided to punish Deji by keeping malice for as long as she can. At this point I figured that the dessert she brought me out for was to bribe me into giving my own opinion about the situation so she knows what to do next. All my friends know that as much as possible I try to stay out of their relationship drama. However, because of the large bowl of strawberry ice-cream and waffles in front of me I had to say something.

First and foremost, I asked Bisi what the relationship between Deji and his ex is like and she said “cordially civil” i.e seasonal greetings, birthdays, hello, hi etc. Knowing the type of friend I have I can assure you that she would make sure it’s just cordial and nothing more. Obviously I gathered that Deji and his ex aren’t exactly besties so Deji should be her last resort for cash abi? I did not want to give her my opinion immediately because frankly speaking I was a bit confused as well. I told her I’ll think about it.

While driving home I thought to myself….. ex may have tried other means to no avail or she might want to visit an old “ATM” and is he lending or giving away? So ladies and gents please help me out. Would you be mad if you were in Bisi’s shoes?

Is it any business of yours what your partner does with his or her funds? I need answers fast because this chick is on my case and I might have to pay her back for dessert at this rate.

103 Comments on BN Hot Topic: Why are You Giving Money to Your Ex?
  • Daisy January 24, 2013 at 11:20 am

    Hmmm! Giving an ex money. I didn’t know girlfriends were now collecting alimony too. She should put a stop to it jor. Let hat handshake not cross the wrist.

  • Glam January 24, 2013 at 11:20 am

    Totally unacceptable to me, that’s why there are microfinance banks for such lending. The little tricks that ex-es play! Cordially civil indeed!

    http://theglamfile.blogspot.com

  • PepeRémpe January 24, 2013 at 11:28 am

    This is an EX of over 2years so why should he be giving her money and not that his owing her or something. Abeg if na play make him stop am. And the EX herself hasn’t she got any self esteem or is deji her last resort? In my own opinion I think the girl should sit him down and iron things out and talk some senses into him bcos only God knows for how long that has been going on for.

  • Nkechi January 24, 2013 at 11:28 am

    I wish I had an ex I was that cordial to so I could hit them up whenever I am broke like now January is looooooooooooong dang! Depending on the reason I don’t see anything wrong in giving an ex money what’s wrong is not telling your significant about it. Bisi lay down the law tell your boo next time his ex hits him up and it better be for medical emeergency reasons oooo I don’t see why she should still be asking him for money to sort her bills or any other non medical emergency reason, anyway next time she asks he is to tell you and you be the one to hand over the check/cash to her. Trust me she will not be coming back that is of she has any pride at all. If you know how to contact her let her know that you know that your boo has been helping her our and let her know very politely that such requests always come through you (she doesn’t know this of course) so it would be in her best interests to talk to you beforehand about any financial help she requires and YOU will see if you guys can help her out. You can bet if she has any pride in her she will not be coming back and she will not dare tell him that you spoke to her either coz that may mean no more handouts

    • gooby January 24, 2013 at 1:37 pm

      def. learnt one or two things frm ur opinion. tnks

    • Gorgeous January 24, 2013 at 4:10 pm

      ok, and if she disrespects you right there and he sides with her? How foolish will you look. So childish that you have to lead your man in front of you to embarass someone else. Isnt he supposed to know what to do and what boundaries to keep? Besides she is already acting like wife when she is just a girlfriend. How is she so sure she is not the impostor here? And the ex is who he really takes serious? Abeg, she only has to talk to the guy and move on with it. You cant force or control any human being. They will do what they want. He can also go back after what you suggested and tell her he didnt know that was what you wanted to come and do. And to avoid confrontation he went with it. And that you are a crazy person he is going to dump soon. If they have something together, wont she dive back into his hands. Kill yourself for a boyfriend o. na today?

      • ireti January 24, 2013 at 5:58 pm

        and you my friend, are an ex, who is lukin 4 more. My opinion: face the man and descend on the girl.

      • Angel January 25, 2013 at 12:18 am

        You’re obviously an ex, it’s their relationship, there shouldn’t be any secrets. If you need his help, it automatically becomes THEIR help. Married or not, both parties in a relationship shouldn’t keep secrets from each other especially the ones that have to do with exes, it can lead to break up if not handled with care. Whenever a guy’s ex needs his help for something, his girlfriend should know and advice him whether or not to help because some girls might just be trying to cash in on an old flame.

      • Simya January 25, 2013 at 3:07 am

        Huh???? What are you even doing with that kind of guy in the first place?

      • Tinu January 26, 2013 at 2:44 pm

        Den she beta finds out now nd end d farce of a relationship ,nd move on to better things. obviously she wants to spend d rest of her life with the dude from wat i deduced, so she should face the reality nd not kip living in fear.

      • DORA January 30, 2013 at 10:21 pm

        YOU R RIGHT. U R NOT MARRIED TO HIM YET AND UR MAKING RULES. DONT DRIVE HIM AWAY. U HAVE NO RIGHT WAT SO EVER TO TELL HIM WHAT TO DO OR WHO TO HELP. PPLE REMAIN FRIENDS WHEN THEY PART. U DONT EVEN KNOW THE REASON FOR MONEY. IF U WERE IN THE GIRLS SHOES WOULD U DO OTHER WISE WHENE PERHAPS EVERYONE HAS TURNED THEIR BACK ON U FOR HELP. U R NOT AT ALL A NICE PERSON FOR SAYING THAT. V U ASKED HIM WHY HE DIDNT TELL U. I GUESS U WOULD NAG FROM NOW TILL TOMORROW, DTS WHY HE AVOIDED THAT. BE WISE AND BE GOOD.

    • Gorgeous January 24, 2013 at 4:31 pm

      My above reply was for Que

      • cheezy February 14, 2013 at 2:10 pm

        @adora and que.correct na words of wisdom i am totally feeling you both.

    • midas January 30, 2013 at 12:54 pm

      lmaoooooo….. nice one kechi dunoo what the boyf will think tho

  • Mimi January 24, 2013 at 11:37 am

    To be honest, it is totally unacceptble. The fact that she till has a hold on her ex is unfair to Bisi. Question does Deji still fancy her? If his intention is truly innocent why didn’t he tell Bisi? Bisi would have helped him figure out the situation differently.
    Is the ex dating anyone? What would her boyfriend say about her getting money from her ex.

  • Abisodun January 24, 2013 at 12:06 pm

    well there are two sides to this story, she could have been in serious need of the money and he decided to help but he should have told you first. My ex has given me money b4 cuz i really needed it at that time…

  • adenike January 24, 2013 at 12:20 pm

    The guy is no pension manager so why is she still coming over to collect her pension? Dude is her backup ATM obviously and she knows the right button to press that will evoke empathy/sympathy from him. Besides,I think she still has a hold on him.
    I’m too proud to go ask my ex for money, I’m just too proud to do that,especially from an ex who is in a serious relationship. I don’t even have his number sef. Your friend has every reason to be mad at the dude but not to have kept malice with him for more than 1day(that’s the most I can go otherwise he might go back to ‘sob’ on that ex’s shoulders). He has apologized, he has promised never to allow such happen again – tell her to move on. We make mistakes sometimes, the most important thing is, dude is really sorry.

  • Que January 24, 2013 at 12:24 pm

    I beg to differ, we do not know the exact circumstance of the giving… there might have been a real need, cos a woman with genuine intentions would have exhausted her options b4 contacting an ex. Many people leave rships for a ton of reasons and they may have well established dat a rship isn’t for them n kept it moving, and part of that sometimes is dat they still maintain respect for each other, and can offer help if the need is serious- it doesnt always mean dey would jump back in bed together. She could ‘ve been a friend, colleague, etc n we won’t turn it into a national issue…I’d rather your friend enquires to kno wat it was for n why she might be dependent on him…dat way she’ll have a better idea wat d real depth of her battle is. Emphasize that its important he’s honest about things especially if it is one of den ‘grey’ issues like dis- but by u keeping malice, trust me d next time he’s inclined to help anyone u might have a problem with, he will not be informing u!

    Alternatively if u sense d ex is just a trouble maker, u can offer to meet her with him, n watch him explain to her that he’s moved on n she cant make it a habit to depend on him cos his got new responsibilities .. Keeping malice wont solve ur problem and honestly fighting it too harshly could very easily be ur own downfall… One of the risks of dating is dat u’re may or may not be d first n last person in ur partners life, u must focus on establishing ur space n make sure he respects it…but if u choose to carry fire n brimstone after every tola n bolaji he’s ever been with, u’ll be doing ur own self in! If he’s with u now, its most likely for a reason, …fight ur battles wisely biko.

    • Bibi January 24, 2013 at 1:39 pm

      Where is like button? Like, like, like

    • Ih January 24, 2013 at 2:51 pm

      Most sensible comment !! So on point.

    • Gorgeous January 24, 2013 at 4:30 pm

      ok, and if she disrespects you right there and he sides with her? How foolish will you look. So childish that you have to lead your man in front of you to embarass someone else. Isnt he supposed to know what to do and what boundaries to keep? Besides she is already acting like wife when she is just a girlfriend. How is she so sure she is not the impostor here? And the ex is who he really takes serious? Abeg, she only has to talk to the guy and move on with it. You cant force or control any human being. They will do what they want. He can also go back after what you suggested and tell her he didnt know that was what you wanted to come and do. And to avoid confrontation he went with it. And that you are a crazy person he is going to dump soon. If they have something together, wont she dive back into his hands. Kill yourself for a boyfriend o. na today?

  • linda January 24, 2013 at 12:30 pm

    Now dats a common thing nw.I am presently experiencing the same issue nd its becoming annoying in my relationsip especially when the ex is still single.

  • Doll January 24, 2013 at 12:43 pm

    Totally unacceptable. Human beings do not give money for free. They’ve been broken up for at least 2 years and he gives her money? How many times has he done that so far? Does he just give her the money or does her lend it to her, which she then has to pay back? Why hasn’t he told his current girlfriend Bisi about it? If it’s just one friend helping out another friend, with nothing else going on then why keep it from your gf?
    There are so many questions to be asked.

    Bisi NEEDS to have a sit down with her man sharp, sharp and get these questions answered. I would be furious if I was her! How do we know the money is where it all ends? What else is he doing for her? What kind of services is the ex providing in return for the money? Deji really has a lot of explaining to do. Not fair at all to keep this from Bisi.

    What in the world does this ex gf need the money for so badly that she has absolutely no one else in her life to turn to but an ex? No family? No friends?

    • Purpleicious Babe January 25, 2013 at 2:10 am

      I agree.. too many questions and loop holes.

      Maybe he has a child with her hence the money for upkeep. Maybe he borrowed money from her hence the money. I don’t think he gives it for free, there is an explanation.

      However, why didn’t he say anything? There is also an explanation for that? so if she hadn’t found the evidence, she wouldn’t have known and he wouldn’t have told?

      All the same, I will say COMMUNICATE. In doing so, dont be harsh or brash. Be openminded, calm your nerves and approach the person with a clear head. Once anyone gets harsh or demanding, the other person can suddenly become defensive and outraged.

      I will say, talk him to face and face and explain how you feel in a polite and respectful manner without cursing, insulting or raising your voices. BE CIVIL.

      that my two pennies.

      lifeinstagesdoz.blogspot.co.uk/

    • storm January 26, 2013 at 10:26 am

      I don’t agree with the “human beings don’t give money for free” line. I have given money for free a number of times, but then I’m a girl, and I was giving to random friends or colleagues, not an ex or whatever. So I don’t know. However, I agree that I would be furious if I found out that the boyfriend is giving money to an ex. Na from clap e dey enter dance. Trash.

  • Xala January 24, 2013 at 12:43 pm

    I have 2 exes and believe me when I say they give me cash and the favour is returned by me when needed also. One of them got married last month and the other is in a different country from me, yet we have remained quite cordial. The idea of an ex being a no-go area is what I do not understand. Believe me, neither of the partings with the exes was pleasant, but we grow and learn. In my opinion, women need to ease up about exes, like Que says you will probably not be the first or the last in your bf’s life, so deal with it! In each of the previous two relationships, I have respected the fact that these women shared a part of their lives and might still be friends. Given that as it may, there were limits and believe me, the relationships didnt end due to infidelity or any of such. So, should a man/woman give an ex cash? depends on the relationship after the break-up and circumstance. Moreover, a confident woman is very attractive to men. My boyfriend is more concerned about my calmness about his past than any fit i might throw.

    • jyde January 24, 2013 at 11:58 pm

      At last,a woman with the confidence to believe in friendship first.Come what may.

    • Medina January 25, 2013 at 1:01 am

      Xala, you are right on point… there’s no big deal at all if one receives favours (not just cash) from an ex. Our minds should not always be tuned to sex when an ex is mentioned. there’s more to life that… An ex helped my cousin get a job, i’ve assited an ex and his family procure a visa. people assist each other, it shouldnt matter if its an ex!

    • anonymous January 25, 2013 at 1:15 pm

      like,like,like!…i’m still friends with my 2 exes and wont be afraid to ask if i need a favour, cos they know i’ll do same. it’s friendship first, so even after the lovey-dovey relationship ends, d friendship remains.

  • Tincan January 24, 2013 at 12:47 pm

    I got stuck at the part where she was cleaning her boyfriends’s room. Why?

    • Dprodigaldaughter January 24, 2013 at 3:20 pm

      ROFLMAO …..

      dprodigaldaughter.com

    • Chichi January 24, 2013 at 4:54 pm

      LMBBO!!!!!

    • Que January 24, 2013 at 6:18 pm

      HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! U just made me explode with laughter in public!!

    • fashionista January 24, 2013 at 7:59 pm

      LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! God bless you Tincan, WHY??????

    • Simya January 25, 2013 at 3:12 am

      LMBAO…..ASIN!!!!!! I have never been this confused, please let me go back and read again, I need to understand this riddle

    • Berry Choco-Latté January 25, 2013 at 8:36 am

      BUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

    • Mz Socially Awkward.... January 25, 2013 at 2:17 pm

      It’s called being “wifed” without the ceremony or the ring…

    • Abi January 25, 2013 at 4:32 pm

      Lma

      LMAO

    • O.T. DuBois January 26, 2013 at 4:00 pm

      Thank you jare! I thought I was the only one who thought that as unnecessary. When u no be his iyawo…lol

    • jcsgrl January 30, 2013 at 6:41 pm

      LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL! I thought I was the only one who noticed o. But I guess its a naija gal’s thing. They cook, clean, go to market, perform all the wifely duties before even engagement. Anyway to each his own.
      OR maybe the dude trusts her so much that he allows her in his personal space without any boundaries. That can be another way of looking at it.

  • lady F January 24, 2013 at 12:51 pm

    the way i see it, theres nothing wrong with helping an ex especially if they are being civil with each other. and your friend should stop acting insecure and get a grip on it. Bisi love make up with your bf, malice is child’s play.

  • Retrochic January 24, 2013 at 1:23 pm

    i dont see anything wrong in asking ur ex, for money, the babe might be in dire need of the money, and she might be in good terms with the dude, doesnt neccesarily mean she has a hold on him, or has any feelings for hi, but Deji should have told his babe thou,

  • Bella January 24, 2013 at 1:35 pm

    all these explanations and wahala, so this girl has no immediate family or friends, what kind of woman will go to her ex to get money, unless she knows that they still got some thing going on. Itis NOT acceptable, regardless of what who when or how, you broke up, that means his finances are off limits too. Gosh! move on and leave the man alone, he has a woman of 2 years now, and if your own man had to find out that you are busy being given dollars by your what you think of that? clearly she is single and still hoping for a reconciliation, the dude in question has given her full access to himself, cause he clearly dont respect his current girlfriend, who in their right mind would find this normal.

  • adelegirl January 24, 2013 at 1:47 pm

    Thank you Que! Very well said! You’re still a girlfriend and you’re carrying fire in your bosom like this when you don’t even have all the facts?! Does she know the circumstances of the ex asking for money? Besides, except Bisi doesn’t trust her boyfriend, he has explained that the ex was cash strapped/ in need and probably knowing the girlfriend’s propensity for unnecessary drama, decided not to mention it. Girl, focus on your relationship with your man and stop worrying about your man being father christmas to his ex. The only time, I would raise an eyebrow is if he never gives you but is happy to give his ex.

    • mide January 24, 2013 at 11:53 pm

      Very true!!! unnecessary drama sometimes sef.

  • Cima January 24, 2013 at 2:02 pm

    I agree with que, we cant really conclude. The circumstance around the situation determines if it should be stopped. The only thing i can say is that guys should learn to trust their women in such situations, yes she will ask u loads of questions but she may still let u after she is satisfied with your answer. It does not necessarily mean she controls u.

    cimabrawn.com

  • Sweet 16 January 24, 2013 at 2:10 pm

    Der is nothing wrong in him giving his ex money, it’s all depend on how dry ended d relationship. My ex stil gives me money bcos he was d 1 dat messssssss up. N we r stil gd friends, even my present bf kns him.

  • Graco January 24, 2013 at 2:17 pm

    If an ex boyfriend asked me for financial help (except he was a total S.O.B) i’d feel like meeehn for him to have asked me, must be serious. Is this criticism cos it’s the other way round? I’d feel pity and help out, if it’s within my power, no strings attached. Cos u never know.

  • Zanfani January 24, 2013 at 2:23 pm

    Who cares??? She needed money, he gave it to her. Why do women read so much meaning into everything? and in return give themselves a headache.
    Whether intentions were good or dodgy, Bisi can’t stop ish by doing anything under the sun, what will happen will happen and what has happened, already has.
    Don’t rise to to it till sh!+ pops off. There’s absolutely nothing to be worried about.
    And maybe next time your bf might tell you in the first instance if in this situation you play it cool.
    We all need to learn to pick our battles, this scenario is no cause for alarm…YET

  • raffy January 24, 2013 at 2:25 pm

    @ Que you said it all oooo! Cuz with men,you can just never ever tell.
    Pls tell your friend 2 watch him,without him knowing&apply wisom given only by God.. She shouldn’t fight him&dat malice keeping’s total nonsense! Total nonsense i repeat,1ce your man’s able 2 determine how you will behave @ each turn den he will keep doing whatever he so damn wishes.
    She has no bizness with the ex,but her man.
    The very best!

  • Rola January 24, 2013 at 2:36 pm

    Ladies take it easy on the ex, not all relationships losses its friendship after a break up. You need to check the history of their relationship before u decide what to do. My cuz and her ex broke up due to genotype issues, both are married now but their spouses have had to respect the friendship they have kept . Every ex is not a threat u just keep your heads up.

  • Abi January 24, 2013 at 2:37 pm

    Interesting that women ask boyfriends for money, clean rooms etc! I never asked my hubby for money until we got married and even then very rarely. Your title is girlfriend not wife so you cannot lay claim to his finances!! That information was just for you to process however way you wish :-)

  • Dprodigaldaughter January 24, 2013 at 3:12 pm

    How much did he give her? That’s a very important question. 5K? 10K? OR 100K? The higher the amount the more suspicious it will seem….
    Still, I don’t think there is anything wrong with the guy giving his ex some money when she needed it. But now, here is where the issue lies: is the girl going to use this medium as a means of reconnecting with him? Did she really need the money or she just needed an excuse to reach out to him? Will she coming back to ask for more? (Including other things besides money?)
    Plus, he should have told his gf about it. Naturally ….

    dprodigaldaughter.com

    • jay February 1, 2013 at 11:27 am

      agreeing with this point of view. there is something called a token…and this my friend (the money is a token).she may be using this token to keep him within her radar. And this is dangerous.

      However i think it would be wise not to be insecure about it as u dont have any legal right to be – :). you could end up the ex and she the galfriend with that tendancy.

  • Aku January 24, 2013 at 3:52 pm

    All good points depending on the full facts which none of us knows. Just wanted to share that I had a similar experience a few years ago with not one but several tellers. I got similar explanations: “she was broke” etc. We had dated at least a year before I found out he had an 8 year old daughter with the ex in question. Moral of the story? Take nothing at face value but fight wisely.

  • linda enwerem January 24, 2013 at 4:33 pm

    well, i see nothing wrong wt deji giving his ‘EX’ money it could be dat she needed it and there was nobody to help her situation, but come to think of it if they dont hide anything from each other why didnt he tell her? Thats d big question from me.

  • My own business January 24, 2013 at 4:41 pm

    I don’t think its a bad idea, depending on the circumstances. I would respect my boyfriend to know that there must be an important reason why he gave his ex money. I will not condone it becoming a habit, but I always feel if you are in the position to help others, then please do. The only thing I don’t like about the story was that he neglected to tell her, stuff like this shouldn’t be hidden.

  • beeess January 24, 2013 at 6:48 pm

    Mba, Nonsense..It’s absolutely ok to be cordial with your ex, but collecting money? HABA! Why? In fact, I have a friend who encountered a similar situation. She’s been dating her bobo for over 2 years and her ex recently moved to the US, where she stays, just in different states. She is supposedly cordial with the ex oh, sugbon, this stupid shameless boy would always call her whenever he was hungry asking her to order him pizza and like a fool, my friend always did. I told her that she had better stop acting like an idiot and cut the nonsense off. Hungry Mu cheche! Please tell your friend to tell her man to cut the nonsense off before it escalates. It starts from asking for money to asking for a body part, biko, cut it off sharply!

  • tayoor January 24, 2013 at 7:21 pm

    @ Aku, I think dat is another basis one should look out for. What if she has a child with him? It is his responsibility to take care of his child. So let Bisi sit down with him and dig deep into d matter than keeping malice dat won’t change anything. Being in a relationship for 2yrs does not guarantee u knowing all his secrets.

  • tayoor January 24, 2013 at 7:30 pm

    @ Aku, I think dat is another thing one should look out for. What if she has a child with him? It is his responsibility to take care of his child. So let Bisi sit down with him and dig deep into d matter than keeping malice dat won’t change anything. Being in a relationship for 2yrs does not guarantee u knowing all his secrets.

  • Ada January 24, 2013 at 7:32 pm

    hmmm, this one is tricky. If a person is really in need I would never want to dissuade him from helping due to my own selfish desires. But, umu nwanyi(ladies) can be very “messy” and she may just be coming to him to make it clear to the current girlfriend that she still holds weight in his life. I say examine the person involved and decide what’s best.

    adainprogress.blogspot.com

  • Whole Woman January 24, 2013 at 8:21 pm

    Que and Xala well said. I am the kind of woman if, I had an honourable man as a husband or boyfriend and believed that there were truly no strings attached (I have to know it) and she didnt need my man’s hard earned cash for frivolities and schemings but for urgent needs, will actually even push him to give her, providing he can afford it, infact if he can’t and I can I will borrow her. I’m cool like that as I am tough. Times are really hard people, really really hard for some and help should be given to those who need help, when we can. I’m protective but i have also come to a very comfortable level of maturity where I know that some things should’t be a big deal, we just make it seem so, understandably though.

  • Pd January 24, 2013 at 10:52 pm

    My ex gives me money oh…….because he knows for me to ask him in the 1st place na die i dey! No strings attached thou!

  • London Boy January 24, 2013 at 11:45 pm

    I don’t see anything wrong here. I have an ex of 2yrs and some months and seriously speaking, I wont hesitate to assist her with funds if she ask me to. Your ex was someone you shared something big! I won’t ignore my ex just because we ain’t dating anymore.

  • Truth Hurts! January 25, 2013 at 12:31 am

    What if the ex in question is the generous type who would have done thesame if the reverse were the case and besides had always helped deji financially during their relationship? I think the issue here is that he kept from bisi.

    There is nothing wrong if bisi helps deji in cleaning out his room..and by the way there is also nothing wrong if deji does the cooking or washed bisi’s undies. The question is what the mindset behind it is.

  • Medina January 25, 2013 at 12:43 am

    At least she saw the bank teller, that points to the fact that they didnt meet physically. Personally, i see nothing wrong with it. Some r/ships are too precious to throw away- even when it doesnt end in marriage. i manage the Estate of one of my exs which is strictly professional, his wife knows about it, so does my hubby. Aside from that, i have another ex who still send expensive gifts to me yearly, he lives in switzerland and havent set my eyes on him in 9years, i inturn get my tailor to make african prints for his kids and send via UPS…. no big deal! it all depends on your level of reasoning, focus and what you make out of life. so long as you maintain a cordial r/ship and you are not morally weak with your ex, he can ask you for favours and so can you….in actual fact you may be more beneficial and instrumental to each other’s progress by being only friends.. my advise to the lady is for her trust her partner, stop insinuating and causing unneccessary rancour in r/ship.

  • Medina January 25, 2013 at 12:54 am

    He may have been to busy to remember a causal act of kindness. or maybe he intented to tell her but she saw the teller first. sometimes one can forget to mention some things especially if it’s not important ….. Bisi should trust her man, is she saying if her ex was in need she wont help? haba, she is even more likely not to tell deji.

  • Omojeje January 25, 2013 at 1:04 am

    Hahaha didn’t know this story wl come up one day..my friend had a similar problem years back where an ex was calling her husband for school fees and money for upkeep plus she claims her family couldn’t afford her education as they had loaned money from various families on the street to send her to Europe to study ( because her mother had to keep up with false frnds whose frnds had kids abroad).

    Well it became a story of asking for money every month (the guy told his wife about it ofcos and the decided to help). But the girl became emotional,reminding him of how he slept with her 5 yrs before then and how the went here and there bla bla and also asking him to help with her assignment which he had no idea of and lastly telling him she never had a stable relationship after the broke up and would want to be a second wife to him. And also telling him that it would be nice if they got married and there would be blessings since she is Muslim and he is too ( cos my frnd is a Christian)

    Then my frnd got mad and took the matter up by confronting this girl, the idiot girl claimed she had a vision from her imam that she the guy is meant to be her husband since he is now successful. Hahahaha ha. May God punish girls like that! May thunder fire the whole lineage! Tufia!

    The so called slut finally got married to another of her ex- boy frnds frnd cos the guy has small cash as we heard. And guess what, less than 6 months into marriage after 1yr, she called my friend’s husband for money to pay her rent again as her husband was out of job…hahaha even married! Shameless slut.. Some girls will always be slut.

    Hey guys what do you think of this?

  • Louis January 25, 2013 at 1:50 am

    Why is the bf even still cordial with the ex in the first place?! Personally I burn all bridges so as to prevent this kind of scenario, agreed it may seem a bit harsh but here is my reason why…It starts with ” i need a favor”….it will then graduate to “just checking up on you”..from there it will lead to “lets just have a quick lunch”…of which several “accidental” kisses will follow then from there you guys will inevitably end up where a majority of all side attractions end up…On a soft mattress.
    So if i was the girlfriend, I would promptly tell him to burn that bridge completely…delete her from facebook,whatsapp,delete her phone number(s)…Although this might seem a bit drastic but bcos of the human nature,our out-of-control flesh and our propensity to misbehave…it is the best solution

    • Mide January 25, 2013 at 10:27 am

      Toh, i thought it was only me o. I did the whole cordial thing with an ex and that’s how he wormed his way back and I let it happen. The break let me clear my head, and all his flaws must have erased out of my brain, because I dont know how it happened. From I’m calling to say hi, how was your day, let’s do lunch. It didnt help that that period was a trying time for me in a lot of ways, and he was a listening ear, and he was there. O pari, we got back together, and all the problems we had resurfaced (its not like they went away before – we just didnt see it at first), and we broke up again. This time around, omo, I cut the cord, as in I used laser and industrial strength scissors. Our mutual friends cant believe it. We’ve not talked in over a year. BBM, Facebook, phone number, email addresses, I emptied my inbox of all emails, pictures o, stuff he bought me. I swear its as if he never existed. All signs removed. Dem no born me well to go ask him for money or favour, and dem no born him well too. Being cordial works for some, but not all. Will I be upset if my boyfriend gave his ex money, hell yeah, especially because he didnt tell me. Reverse the roles, and imagine how a man will feel if his girlfriend asks her ex for money. We women take the piss. All the women supporting it, na una dey encourage rubbish. A man will NEVER accept for you to do that, so why are you okay with it.

      • miss 'why men love bitches' February 1, 2013 at 11:32 am

        my ex always trys to do the same. ”Hi…can we talk ”…..” hi can we talk its a matter of life and death”…..
        Ive learnt to be tough and not answer. Last his email didn’t end up in the spam filter i said ‘oh u were driving? now why not get back into the car and go try run over a cliff”… friendship doesn’t work for some.

  • Opsy January 25, 2013 at 9:29 am

    Na wa o!! Most of us here are Christians. Are we saying we can’t help someone we don’t know who is in need? Not to talk of an ex that had a loving relationship with us for a while? I have given my ex money when he was in dire need and he was very grateful. Flames were not rekindled because I had already moved on to another relationship at that time.

    • Teebaby January 25, 2013 at 12:54 pm

      No, most of us are not christains,some of us are Muslims while some are christains,we should not unnecessarily bring religion into everything,both religion says we should always help people in need if we can afford to.

  • hush January 25, 2013 at 10:01 am

    Interesting comments, in my opinion ts nt an issue giving ur ex money (male or female) if yu parted ways amicably and stil maintain comm then you cn lend or give eachothr money. Bisi yur friend is a girlfriend not wife so there’s a limit to her say on her bf’s finances. Som ppl r strict when it coms to there friends, im m one of them, i cn brrw my trustworthy ex money,i also ask a particular ex too when m cashstrapped, my current bf knws my alligence to him n my dedication to helpin a useful friend. Truth lots of pple turn to their ex for help evn the married do but they wn’t just want to admit it

  • meeeeeeeeeeee January 25, 2013 at 10:15 am

    does the ex not have a present boyfriend?? mean while i have a very serious problem here. how do i ask my boyfriend for money??
    this is no joke. i am damn serious here. we just started dating this january, though we have been friend since september. so am just wondering if its too early or something. i work anyway, but i just feel i should get from him as well, so i dont feel used.worse still he is not much of a talker

    • Mz Socially Awkward.... January 25, 2013 at 2:29 pm

      Of course, you don’t want to feel used. It’ll totally defeat the purpose of you trying to use him. I feel your problem will be solved if you dumped the current paramour and just go ahead to date an ATM machine.

      And just a few days ago, that”London runs girls” video got so much backlash… I truly wonder why.

  • pynk January 25, 2013 at 10:25 am

    Some pple are definitely gonna die young. All this overanalysis.
    Did you ask him and he deprived you?

  • Dumo January 25, 2013 at 10:59 am

    Louis u have said it all, u just picked d words out of my mind.

  • chic January 25, 2013 at 11:53 am

    To all those saying she should stop making noise because she is still a girlfriend bla bla bla haven’t you heard of “nipping it in the bud” If she doesn’t make noise now and they end up getting married and he contines being ex ATM and she now starts complaining he will probably tell her to shut it since she never complained before why start now? You need to train these men from the get go and treat every relationship as possibly leading to marriage do not tolerate as a girlfriend what you wouldn’t tolerate as a wife!

    • Mide January 25, 2013 at 12:31 pm

      GBAM!!!!!. As if you marry a stranger.

    • Doll January 25, 2013 at 2:28 pm

      Couldn’t have said it any better myself.

      As a male friend of mine once told me ‘men do certain things because we ladies allow them’. If Bisi doesn’t voice her discomfort now, then when should she?

      You guys are the same pple who will accuse a lady of pretending to be somn she isn’t just so she can get a ring on her finger.

      Communication is key!

    • jyde January 26, 2013 at 5:11 am

      My sister,dis one wey you wan TRAIN man. Na lie O. Let the battle of the sexes continue if thats the deal.E good as you talk am loud.Make i roll my trouser leg first.Siddon look na dog name now. Abi na sparkey/ringo/rover be my name?
      On a serious note though,all we want is a friend,to share with and to love of course.
      Its quite simple IF both parties apply honest debate and open heart to a relationship.IF.
      Ladies im close friends with women ive known for over twenty years.
      Honest friendships always blossom with gods grace.
      I close mouth.

  • Biso January 25, 2013 at 8:58 pm

    Chic wa gbayi because a yoruba parable says what you cannot accept when you are rich you better start rejecting it now while your poor!!!!!!
    @doll may your days be long for your comment!

  • Anonymous beau January 26, 2013 at 11:43 am

    I had a similar experience where my boyfriend (now ex) was supposedly helping his cash strapped girlfriend – out of the kindness of my heart,I tried not to read meanings into it, I did not shout wolf..after all we should all be our brother’s keeper ( ex or not). But it did not stop there, it gradually graduated to him being her “go to man” to solve all her problems and when I started to get uncomfortable – he would hide things from me… need I say we are history now not particularly because of that but I have learnt from the experience.
    Deji could just be a kind soul helping the ex who might be truly be cash strapped or it might be that Bisi’s fears are not unfounded. Agreed – Bisi is just a girlfriend with no control over his finances – but why didn’t Deji tell her? Did he keep it from her because he knows how hot tempered she is and was simply trying to keep the peace to avoid putting out fires where there was no need or has he got something to hide?
    Ladies, study your man closely with wisdom, be kind and help when you can ; who knows you might need help tomorrow. Having a fire for fire approach will only cause your man to be defensive. Having said that, it doesn’t mean you’ll allow people to get the better of your good/kind heart.

  • Jamce January 27, 2013 at 10:55 am

    This debate is about us humans not being honest with our motives. What is the big deal about exes helping each other? It is only the dishonest and insecure that read meanings to such things. We should know that if old flames are going to rekindled, there is nothing anyone can do about it. It doesn’t even come from asking for help. In my opinion, an ex with whom you parted ways should remain a friend. In fact am of the view that as much as possible relationship break ups should be on amicable terms. You don’t know tomorrow. The same ex you are trying so hard to fend off might just be the person to bail you and your boo out of a problem. Life is very deep and circumstances could be reversed, so we should not use our jealous instincts to ruin beneficial friendship. I have received and given help to exes in various ways without any iota of stings attached. It is only God that can sustain our relationships and not how much we can scheme or fight to keep them.

  • Nife tade January 28, 2013 at 2:08 am

    There is no justification for dat but if it happened just once, it may be overlooked. Other than that, I would suggest they review their relationship

  • Fyfi Salt January 28, 2013 at 3:05 pm

    This only happens when you snoopy around your man’s room…There’s nothing wrong bn a blessing to others…ex, present and future. Your’ called the opposite sex for a reason….every time you think you have your wife, gf or bf fooled – It’s just the opposite

  • JUBRIL January 28, 2013 at 3:54 pm

    I still pay my ex’s BIS, and i give her 50ooo monthly allowance, well i can affrod it since i work with etisalat but the problem now is that my current Gf is spitting fire over it, my ex iwas the one that disvirgined her and i had to leave her bcoz we are both AS, we are best of friends now and i still care a lot about her but is giving her 50k monthly too little, i feel it is too small sef considering girls needs, planning to buy a small kia rio for her soon for her b-day by august

    • Margarita January 28, 2013 at 4:26 pm

      so jubril, hw wud u feel if ur present gf stl goes over to ex’s house to cook for him? pls answer honestly

    • ANON January 28, 2013 at 8:35 pm

      Pls come and marry me…#NoJoke. 50k MONTHLY!! 2 an ex?!! and a car! Hahhhh! D toto sweet ooo

  • chelly January 29, 2013 at 4:56 pm

    @que, thank u very much 4 ur comment!

  • spicykenny January 30, 2013 at 12:50 pm

    i fink i can reason wit him if he tell mie dan mie discovering maself! haba! lets be open in our rltnsp.

  • Oluwaseun January 30, 2013 at 5:00 pm

    This boils down to motive and trust.But ko funny rara mehn

  • jcsgrl January 30, 2013 at 6:54 pm

    In my humble experience an ex should remain ex. Everything is permissible but not everything is beneficial. For those of you who have chosen to remain close friends with your ex, more grease to your elbows. However, I do not see wisdom in it esp for someone you shared such an emotional and perhaps physical intimacy with. I’m not saying you should be enemies but you should not be in each other’s space. When you see, you see, say hello, exchange brief pleasantries and keep it going. There is no wisdom in keeping close relationships with an ex o! I just find it hard to believe that in your time of need, your ex is the only one in this whole wide world that can offer you help. If all other legal and moral options have been explored, then leave it to God and see if he would not provide a ram for the sacrifice…that is if your need is legitimate and essential. Not I need money for rent in asokoro, or to buy brazillian hair or to travel abroad.

    So back to the question, I concur with Que’s suggestion above depending on the guy. If its me, the relationship with ex has to end chikena

  • jumy February 1, 2013 at 10:05 pm

    monthly allowance and a car by august? you must be kidding me! Jubril you haven’t opened your heart for another woman yet, lets be honest with ourselves. That’s way too personal. Can help an ex but superficially and wouldn’t ask an ex for a favour except i’m left with no choice. if my bf consistently helps his ex with cash or gives gifts, i’ll find a plan B quick!

  • Jamce February 4, 2013 at 7:50 am

    What is your business if a guy opts to give a monthly allowance to and buy car for his ex-girlfriend? Do you know the extent of and factors in their relationship before they broke up? Why are people so egoistically myopic?

  • sandy February 5, 2013 at 6:55 pm

    @ jamce,did i hear u say,egoistically myopic?ok o if u say so..e neva happen to u nw,why u nor go judge?i pray ur gurfrnd,becomes her ex,best frnd..

  • Jamce February 6, 2013 at 2:22 am

    @sandy, the truth which we all run away from is that a man or woman who will cheat will do so either with an ex or a “new partner”. A person who will be faithful will remain so even in dealings with an ex. If we can’t stop people from cheating why give ourselves stress by anticipating cheating and worrying/fighting about it. If my partner cheats and I can’t tolerate it I’ll simply take a walk. Even at that we can remain friends… I cannot hate her because of a possible weakness or lack of self-control. Cheating has become a fact of relationships: infact, it is now the rule rather than the exception. So we must now bear this is mind and deal with it when it happens without developing HBP. As I always say, the solution is the fear of God in every heart. Once we start this business of sexual relationships outside of marriage, God is sure to give men and women over to debased minds and unfaithfulness, suspicion are just offsprings of such sin of disobedience to the word of God. Shalom

    • Biso February 8, 2013 at 12:23 pm

      . A person who will be faithful will remain so even in dealings with an ex GBAM! You talk sense!

  • smiley February 12, 2013 at 7:47 am

    Similar to what would have happened to me yesterday, ATM was not giving money,I needed money badly and it happened coincidentally that I was chatting with my Ex, he asked if I was alright so I said I wasn’t, he asked for the reason and I was honest,, he felt sorry and said he would have loved to bring me some cash if not for the distance and he also called me later in the day to ask how I went about the whole thing… No string attached.

  • Armstrong Simane March 12, 2013 at 11:49 am

    babe gal u r so cute neh just keep it up !!

  • Armstrong Simane March 12, 2013 at 11:50 am

    u r r so georgius babe gal i wish i can get one lyk u in yr home town!!

  • CREAMY BEE May 16, 2013 at 11:33 am

    WELL 4 ME I SEE NO HARM IN DER SINCE IT CAN HAPPEN 2 ANY1, U MAY BE IN NEED AND NO 1 READY 2 HELP UR LAST CHANCE IS UR EX: WATS DER TO ASK HIM.. SO DAT MEANS IF D EX IS D WAY 4 HER TO GET A MINISTERIAL APPOINTMENT SHE SHOULD NOT KEEP IN TOUCH? PLSS LETS LOOK @ IT ODA WAY ROUND…. I SEE NOTHG IN HELPING SO LET HER JST BE COOL AND BELIEVE AND TRUST HER BOYFRD DATS ALL

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