So I sit in a relatively unused office scattered with cobwebs, dusty tables and bad natural light. The chattery noises of the neighbouring primary school drowns any opportunity of a private thought, but luckily there is AC as I’m about to lend myself to yet another ‘meeting’ that will make me “rich”. Welcome to hustling on the Island!
Just a routine Wednesday morning for yours truly, as I bleach my mind with that four letter word – CASH. It’s Christmas after all; driver needs his 13th month salary, I have to bribe my grandma after getting away with buying tins of Milo (Pa Pa PaPa PaPa Milo!!) all year, I need to buy Hampers for unimpressed customers, and finally a well nourished Maluu (cow) for my mama.
So as I wait for today’s big cheese to usher me into his office for yet another chin wag, I reminisce on the days when my mum used to tell me “you should never be driven by money…always do what makes you happy…..it’s all about the “passion”, did your mum tell you that?
Well….lets park that shall we, these days I am proudly running after, whoring, toasting, and molesting that definite deal. That one singular short term bang (not literally perverts) – the type that will make me no longer resent that 17-year old sitting in business class whilst I stumble over Ghana-must-go bags to get to my front row economy seat. The type of cash that’ll make Puffy’s vocabulary become mine, “Take that, Take that!!” “Uhh, uh-huh, yeah”
So what does a professional faker do from Monday to Friday? You wake up. Put on some dance music, for instance P Squared’s Do Me I Do you, or JLS’ ‘I need love CPR’ or Cheryl Cole’s Fight fight fight fight fight for this love – a personal favourite at the moment. Next, you consult your scribble book better known as my free GTB filofax to plot what image is required today; the efficient geek, the corporate you or the ‘I’ve just gotten off my boat at the Civic Centre’.
On this day, it’s the corporate moi that is on the prowl. The Topman Suit check, Club Monaco shirt check, Tie Rack Silk check, Primark Boxers check, Paul Smith shoes check, splash on Tom Ford for tantalizing results and.. Voila, you are ready to roll.
At the meeting, I nod my head sporadically, look intensely into the speaker’s eye, only comment when completely out of depth, check the blackberry every so often to give up the illusion that your world is far too busy and whenever the conversations strays towards the nation’s politics – talk about how you just got off the plane from Abuja and join the Rebrand Nigeria condemnation train.
At 12noon, you order yourself a plastic bowl of rice, beans and boiled egg from Ghana High; if you’re really splurging then you can top it off with a bottle of Miranda. On broke days, simply boil a sachet of pure water – its more classy.
Whenever the phone rings, and you’re asked for a meeting or encounter, never accept the proposed date. Make sure you delay it by an hour or better still ask them to call you the next day to confirm.
Now I wish I could take a cue from rapper Fabulous and live like ‘Everyday is my day I’ma do it my way everyday’….but I’m quickly realising that in this project Mo Ti Arrive, no one wants to bring work or contact your way. Why? They all assume that you must be doing well, otherwise, why would you be wearing fine suits or cutting your hair for N500 a week.
The whole idea was if you look the part then perhaps you can command a higher fee but what happens is pro bono is the most frequent language most educated people want to speak. This has made me start questioning this whole Naija approach of over dressing to/ at the workplace. Are we doing ourselves more office harm than good? No one ever expects anything from the assistant in need of a manicure; in fact they want to help her. She’s more likely to get a contract to do the Christmas hamper where they expect you to buy one even though you have single digits in the account. In this world of job cuts and redundancy, isn’t dumbing down the most certain way of keep a J.O.B right now? What is your take people?
This week’s Friday Track is from Kid Cudi (Mr Solo Dolo) and his hot newly leaked track CudderisBack. This is hot! Click here to Listen